OT I Need Your Advise Girls

42 Replies
sophandbob - January 29

Please help me, I don't know what to do. It is a long story so bear with me. My partner and I met over the internet. We lived an hour and a half apart and saw each other every fortnight until I moved in in the July after having met him in the february. Not long after moving in I had a niggling feeling he was cheating on me. He'd keep his phone on silent, and suddenly developed a need to go to the toilet loads and load sof time - taking his phone with him. We went to see Harry potter at the cnema and I swear he went three times during the movie. There were other signs too, but I can't really remember what now. Well, he was having an affair. I found out, he tried to commit suicide when I said I was gonna leave, so I stopped, although not just because of the suicide attempt. I loved him. Well, a little while later I found he was still getting messages from these internet dating sites. He said they were left over from when he joined and met me. Fair enough I said (even though he was going on them and reading the messages according the computers history). I told him to unjoin. He did. This happened again, and he then admitted he rejoined new ones beause he wanted the company (?!). Again, I said that I found it unacceptable, so he said he wouldn't do it. He did this a further 3 or 4 occassions - including talking to women on MSN, about a year or so after we'd met, on a log in I knew nothing about to women he said he'd me through work on a course (I'd never known him go one one, yet in the year we'd been together never mentioned these women). I gave him a final ultimatum and told him I'd leave if I caught him again. A while passed and things were great. We got engaged, I fell with tris and it was great. Not long after tris was born I found him doing it again. He had also gone on a night out with people from work, but when I tried to contact him , his phone was turned off. I called one of the people he'd told me he was with and they said he wasn't out with them. When he got in I asked where he'd been and said his friend said he'd not gone out with them. He stammered and then said he'd met up with different friends first and had decided to stop out with them. His phone battery had died (which was true). My problem is his lies are always almost believable. But he always turns it round to me, telling me I'm paranoid and telling me he was so offended I didn't trust him (this was the kind of thing he was saying 2 hours before I found out about his affair)becuase I had just had tris - I couldn't up and leave. I had to say - right don' do it again or I really will go, taking little man with me. However, this morning I find him chatting on msn to a woman I've never heard of. As soon as I came in the room (this was 5am BTW - he says he has difficulty staying in bed when he wakes up so always gets up a this time - another reason why I don't trust him. He's always on the internet when I come downstairs. he never has a problem having a lie in when he goes to my mums house) he quickly clicks on the tool bar and minises the conversation. I ask who he is speaking to and he says "a friend of mine" (This is how he always starts off explaining who they are - exact words all the time) He then adds "from work". I have NEVER heard of her before. He is always talking about people from work men and women. I have never heard him mention her. I say lets see, and he flicks it up but closes it so I cannot see what has been read. He then uses the tool bar to close the msn sign in so I can't see people on the list. I storm off, and he's like what? I said "your doing it again" and head off back to bed (I'd gotten up with LM). He comes up and starts saying he's not and having a go at me for being paranoid and not believing him. The then tells me if I don't believe him to f*** off. He throws the bed covers off me and grabs my wrist trying to pull me out of bed. I tell him that if it is a mate then I'd go down, get on msn and talk to her and ask her. He says I can do, goes downstairs and logs in to our usual msn sign in. surprise surpise she ain't on there (and never has been). he then says he took her name off! I said why did you say I could talk to her then, and he said 'd made him angry and he got confused. I think he has a different sign in altogether and her name is on that list. I then say - right I'll e mail her then, so he gives me her address. I email, and surprisingly enough the e mail comes back failed - address unknown. He is still adament that she is someone from work and that that is her address! He then gets so cross, he kicks Tris' baby walker over and throws two pillows at my head. He was stood so close to me that even though they'd left his hands it was like they hadn't. I couldn't believe he did this, it is not like him to do that. I never though he would. I said to him I didn't think he'd ever hit me and he said he didn't because his hand wasn't on it, and he was messing about - it was my fault because I got him so angry. Anyhow I have had to stop off work because I've been so upset. I have a stonker of a headache. My problem is this. I cannot afford to move out because I am in so much debt. My out goings each month are huge. i couldn't afford to pay all the rent and all the bills on my own. There is a big long list for housing. I don't have friends I can move in with temporarily, and all my family live at least an hour and a half away - I couldn't go there because of my job anyhow. I don't feel like the incident with the pillows is enough to warrent womens refuage and I do think it was a one off (I know most women with abusive partners say that though). He's text me her phone number so I can ring her and ask her. So, I guess I don't know really what I am asking. I suppose - Am I being paranoid? Would you believe him? If it is his work collegue - is it unacceptable for him to be talking to her on msn at 5am when I didn't know she existed? If you were in my position financially - what would you do? Help me please.


hello - January 29

I believe there are more bad men than good on the net and in nightclubs, that is just my opinion....You have already been generous by staying with him knowing he had one affair. He once had a log in you knew nothing about so why wouldnt he do it again....Why would he rejoin a dating site if he has you, you should have been all the company he needed. I am sorry to say after reading this you are with a man who is not very nice whatsoever, constantly seeking out more women.... He has cheated once and i honestly think you need to make a move out of his life, you know the answer to the questions you posted. I think he got so mad at ya regarding the chatting etc cause u busted him yet again...he is probably sick of it.... He has been lying to ya probably from day one. I was with a cheat, he had cheated on his wife, he has cheated on his two girlfriends he has had since me, these men and women cant stop themselves... You know the answer to all your questions, he is a slimy man who is up to no good most of the time.......You dont want to live like this forever do you.... Think about what you want to do but dont live in doubt all your life.... wondering why he is ten mins late from the shops cause thats how it will get ....... Get in ya car, get your baby, go back home to mum and dad for a while........ take some leave from work soon and get away to collect your thoughts and think about a plan on how you will make it on your own with your child.......thats what i would do.... all the best


apr - January 29

I second what 'hello' says. This kind of guy is not gonna change. And the way he's acting towards you is just b/c he's trying to cover himself up and he cant. He doesnt deserve you, and you dont deserve to live with a cheat.


BriannasMummy - January 29

How dare he blame it on YOU that he lost his temper." it was my fault because I got him so angry" its absurd!!!! That man is a liar and a cheat and you definatly dont deserve to be treated like that!!! Hes trying to cover up his 5am chattings with this "coworker" and really he's doing a horrible job.. youre a very very smart woman and Im sure you know better!! My sister was in a horrible relationship with a man, and thats how he did things.. he twisted things to make it her fault.. and twisted things to make it seem like she was crazy and his explanations were totally truthful.. when, of course, they werent! If I were you I would pack up your sons belongings and him.. get in your car.. drive the hour and a half back to your parents house. Stay with them for a while. Take a leave of absence from your job, and if worse comes to worse find a new job in the town/city where your parents live. Childrens brains are like sponges.. hes watching and learning.. you dont want him to learn thats how you treat people you love! He definatly doesnt deserve you.. youre a smart woman, and an awesome mom, dont let that man bring you down!! Im soo sorry that you are going through all of that c___p.. its not fair! The bottom line to all of this is.. you need to get out now.. and stop letting that man treat you like a door mat, youre way too good for that! ~Kristin~


shelly - January 29

I really feel for you sophandbob, it reminds me of the saying "its easier to stay than leave" when i left my ex partner who was a big drinker i had been planning it for a year,i knew it would be hard when uve got fiancial responsibility together and a child,when i left i was working and my son was 5,i told him i was going to go if he didnt stop drinking but id fallen out of love with him anyway,it was just a matter of time,when i told him we lived in separate parts of the house for a few months and he eventually left beause the tension was so awful, i went thro a depression when i was on my own with my son as i was worried about money and what i was going to do, plus i hated being in the house with my memorys, we sold our house and i went into private rented accomadation and i got help with my rent as even tho i was working full time i still couldnt afford it,also my ex partners mum was looking after my son , i sorted out a new childminder,had my ex partner make abusive then tearful phone calls.it really was hell but after i gt myself sorted i had peace of mind ,i was happy then i met my hubby and he is so totally different and we are happy. i think once the trust is gone its so hard to get back, who looks after your son when you are at work, you could go into private rented accomadation and get housing benefit for a period to get you straight and he would still have to pay you money for tris,plus help you pay for a childminder while you are at work. the downfall of this is the deposit moneys, its so hard to deciede what to do, if you give him the benefit of the doubt could you trust him,its not fair to have to live like that, i know you say your parents live a way , away, would you be able to stay there breifly just to get your head together and deciede what to do. its a big decsion and you knw in your heart of hearts what you want to do either way,you could just do with a cooling of period to get your head together, i would ring the number he gave me and ask her if she have an affair with hubby, put the cat amongst the pigeons and show him that you mean business, i dont think your being paranoid at all,i would feel the same.i dont like the sound of all the msn stuff,he dosent deserve you.


sophandbob - January 29

I don't know whether he is necessarily having an affair or trying to instigate one. He has come home this lunch time from work and we talked a little more about it. I told him my problems about believing him - that he said I could speak to her, and then her name was missing from the list. I asked why I'd not seen her name on there when I'd been on and he said he adds it on and removes it each time because he knows how i'd react. I mean - what the hell is that about! He didn't get that this was being deceitful and actually thought he was doing me a favour. I said to him - even if it is innocent, that is still not the way to go about it! I said that it is the secretiveness that I have the problem with. If he'd've come to me and said - I've met this nice lady at work, we e mail each other and I want to add her to our msn so you can get to know her too - you'd like her, then I don't think I'd havea problem with it. He's given me an e mail address for someone with her name which actually works and I've e mailed her. I've tried the number but there is no answer. He just seems so calm and adament that she's just a co worker. I just don't know. He is still bang out of order for the decietfulness and talking to a woman I don't know at 5am. I've looked into moving and I think it is just about doable, although I will only have enough money to look after tris, and to be able to get to work - no money for myself, although I am sure I'll get benefits. I shall have to look into it.


Paula S - January 29

It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do. Your partner has shown a pattern of behavior and you know by now that is not going to change. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your son. Maybe you could look for a job where you have family, so you could stay there while you get on your feet and have some help with your son. I am sure with the time your partner is spending online he can not be much help in that regard and certainly not a role model for your son. I am sure there will be a day that you will look back and be so happy that you left.


sophandbob - January 29

I am just so frightened of stepping out of my comfort zone, although it is beginning to shatter around me.


sahmof3 - January 29

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you! It doesn't seem like his pattern of lying is going to change... especially since he won't even admit that he's lying in the first place, but always trying to cover it up. I hope that you can work things out so that you can move out, maybe even live w/ your parents and look for work in that area. Best of luck to you!!!!


sahmof3 - January 29

...and I'm sorry that this happens to you right at this time when you just settled into a new job and just got used to Tristan's being in daycare. Just from knowing you on here you seem so sweet and caring... makes me want to smack your partner upside the head to wake up to what he will lose from his lies...well, if he can't see that he doesn't deserve you!!


mcatherine - January 29

soph- to be honest - it sounds like you already know how you feel - you just want us to validate those feelings for you. No man ever has the right to touch a woman in a harmful manner or to throw things at a woman - no matter how angry the woman has made them. Period. As far as it goes with women and the Internet - well, lets just say I have seem "harmless" chats break up more than one marriage because they never turn out to be as innocent as one claims. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, ya know? I'm thinking about you, hon. Email if you want to talk about it - even if you just want to complain! Hugs your way...


Emily - January 29

sophandbob, I am so sorry. I do not think you are being paranoid. Can you call your parents? Maybe find a job closer to them? I know you just started back up. I am not sure what I would do. I do not know that I would trust him. I have enough problems with my dh but I know he isn't cheating....anyway I wish I could give you more advice than that. If you need to talk, you know how ot get a hold of me....


sophandbob - January 29

just looked into benefits, and I'll get £300 a year and that's all. i don't know if finacially I can do this. I can't move back in with my parents. Even going back for a short time wouldn't work. After my maternity leave I couldn't have time off work, and I am contracted to stay in that job for x number of terms. Getting a new job will be very difficult because I am too far up the teachers pay scale - I'd be too expensive to employ. I'd have to leave a job I love in a school I love, all because of him. This is not fair. I want to kick and scream.


mcatherine - January 29

What about child support? Or is that the benefits you speak of? Can your parents help you with money?


sophandbob - January 29

That is the benefits. Parents would help out in the short term - like if I needed a deposit for a house, but couldn't do on a long term basis.


Rabbits07 - January 29

I second what most of the other ladies have said....you deserve so much more than this! Do whatever it takes to get away from this man. It may be tough for a while, but you can do anything that you really set your mind to! {{{{hugs}}}}


mcatherine - January 29

Do you have studios there? Like one room apartments that are cheaper and houses?



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