OT But I Feel Like My Marriage Is Falling Apart

23 Replies
mosley12 - February 1

i dont know what to do anymore. dh and i fight constantly and its over the stupidest things. the most common thing is the house being clean! i try my hardest to keep it like it was before ds was born, but now i just dont have the time or energy to keep it completely spotless. some days the laundry isnt done, or there are dishes in the sink, and i keep trying to explain to dh that the baby isnt sleeping hours at a time anymore and i just dont have as much time. and when ds is awake, all he wants to do it play or be right next to me! dh just tells me to let him cry but i hate hearing ds so upset and he already has problems with slightly high bp and i dont wanna put anymore added stress on him, but i dont know what to do anymore. we've thrown the D word around a few times but its the last thing i want, but it seems like right now its the best thing for us. hes in the military and getting out on a medical and im completely stressed about the money, and where we will live, and what we will do, and dealing with him nagging about the house and telling me all i am is a housewife so i shoud be able to take care of the baby and keep the house spotless. and the fact that i cant do it makes me feel like a complete failure as a wife and a mother

 

missy - February 1

First of all you do not sound like a failure--it is vey hard to be a mother and wife, maid,accountant,I mean you name it--we do it all!!! Are you still IN love with your husband or do you love him--there is a big difference. Is this something the two of you are willing to work out or do you think you would be better off seperated? Every marriage goes through its hard times--having a new baby adds a lot of stress to both people and maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed with work and lo. I know sometimes it seems we do it all and the men have it made but I guess sometimes it takes awhile for them to adjust also. Talk to him and see what is going on with him--keep the lines of communication open. Maybe the two of you can go out to a nice dinner--alone!! Good luck!

 

eclipse - February 1

EVERY book says that you and he have to let the expectation go about the house being spotless. Its just impossible with a newborn, and if you have to watch him for bp problems, that is even less time. This expectation on you should not even exist! I got a little upset reading your post, I will be honest. I would've kicked my husbands b___t if he expected the same from me because he knows our son is the most important thing, and when they need you, you are lucky to put laundry in or unload the dishwasher in a day, heck, even get lunch or take a shower! I would recommend couple's counselling for the two of you if he is willing. You don't want to throw away your marriage for an obvious misunderstanding on your husband's part. Your baby will pick up on the stressors in the household so you both need to find a solution for his sake. I had couple's counselling with my husband before and after we got married as a maintenence thing and it was very beneficial for both of us. Look into solution focused therapy. And do the best you can, thats all you can do. It sounds like you are being a superwoman already! Good luck, keep us posted. Oh, and stay at home moms have the HARDEST JOBS IN THE WORLD with the worst pay, tell him that :) Most rewarding though, but not for the faint of heart.

 

mosley12 - February 1

he doesnt believe in the books. he always tells me i read them to much. i just dont know what to do. i am still in love with him, very much so, but i dont know if i can deal with it anymore. we are all alone, with no family around. im hoping once we move back home and get over the stres of the move and not knowing whats gonna happen, and we are around family, it'll be better, but i dont know if we'll make it that long

 

Erynn21 - February 1

I have been married for over 10 years and we just had a baby, it is hard, and my husband and I have what most ppl think is a really good marriage. Anyone who tells you marriage is easy is lying, all marriages go through hard times. Many times it is because one person is having problem within themselves, it sounds like your husband may be having some of his own emotional and/or physical problems, his stress because of the financial aspects could be coming out in his demeanor w/ you and the housekeeping. Many times when someone is picking at you for something(in your case the house) they actually are trying to say something else that they are unsatisfied with. I think that some counseling would be beneficial, my husband and I have good communication skills with each other and we still have had problems in the past, out last big problem was to have a baby, it put a big rift between us, we were having major problems and I was ready to leave because my husband didn't understand the driving force behind my wanting a child. We had a huge heart to heart and realized we both wanted this, he just thought I was being all whimsical and unreal, but once we talked about it it became apparent that it was time for us. I think for your family's sake you should try to work through this rough patch(esp. for your son), but if it is not working then you may have to rea__sess the situation, being together for they sake of the kids is not always the best idea. Kids need parents who love each other not just parents who are together for the sake of being together. Good luck.

 

bekysu - February 1

You are not alone. Just about every woman on this forum struggles with a point at which their marriage feels as if it can't get worse, or that married life with children isn't what you thought it would be b/c your man just can't get the "family" jist. I'm with Missy, you are not a failure. Have your two tried counseling? My husband and I go to counseling just to keep our marriage healthy and on track. It gives both of us a way to express our feelings in a less vulgar way, yes, we have pa__sed the D word around ourselves. We realized that it was a healthy way to respond to our needs and each others needs along with being an example for our children. Your hubby needs to be more appreciative of you, maybe a few days away from him would give him a good glance at the work you do do. AND, if he is tired of a messy house, HE can help out a little! B4 he leaves for work he can make sure that he throws in a load of laundry or b4 he going to bed make sure the dishwasher is unloaded so dirty ones can be put in there for the following day. I know, it is hard keeping house and spending time with your lo as well as having a few minutes for yourself's sanity. Good Luck!!

 

Mellissa - February 1

Man... I'd hate to see what he'd say to me if he came to my house!!! Sometimes I will do laundry, and it will sit in the basket for a week before I get around to folding it an putting it away!!! You are definitely not a failure!!! There are days when i don't get to the dishes until after the kids are in bed, or I just leave them for the next morning. It sounds to me like your husband is stressing over his medical discharge, and he's taking that frustration out on you. They say that the ones we love the most, are often the ones we hurt the most. Maybe he feels that because of his discharge, he has failed you, and he wants to make you feel the same way so he's not alone. I don't mean to pry, but is his medical issue something that will interfere with him working in the future? If so, that could be a big part of it also. Is he the type that would consider counseling? I think it would definitely help him get to the root of his issues and it may just open his mind to your point of view a little bit. I wish you the best and hope everything works out the way you want it to!!

 

SonyaM - February 1

In am sorry you are going through such a hard time. My dh and I went through a really hard time when our first son was born. We literally HATED eachother. It was a horrible time but luckily we got through it. We both went on antidepressants and that helped tremendously. Ironically it was the birth of our son that "caused" the problems and it was only because of him that we didn't walk out on eachother. I hope you can find your way back to eachother if that is what you want.

 

mosley12 - February 1

im going to go and talk to someone tommorrow about marraige counseling. he talked to his lt. colonel today, who went through the same thing we are going through, and told him counseling helped his relationship tremendously. he is getting out becuase of his back. his training, which is an electrician , working on helicopters, is something he wont be able to do for long periods at a time, so he is having to go back to school for something different. that. he's also constantly on me because i do not get along with my MIL whatsoever and he is close to her. my mom and i dont have the greatest relationship and he thinks thats why i dont like his mom because im jealous. it has nothing to do with that. i have to go for a blood pressure check on monday, and im sure it will be up because of everything going on,and im going to talk to my dr. aout getting on antidepressents. DH thinks it will help me.

 

mommyke - February 1

Sounds to me like he needs antidepressants as well. New mom's can't do it all - you are doing just fine!

 

sahmof3 - February 1

That's a good sign that he talked to another guy about it. It shows he WANTS to know what to do, he just doesn't know on his own. I hope he will go to couselling with you. He needs to realize that it's unfair to expect that you could possibly do everything the way you used to do it while taking care of a baby!!! Maybe in a moment when emotions are more settled you could tell him that if he backs off on his expectations of how the house should look... that some of that time that you AREN'T cleaning could be time that he gets you to himself... to put a positive spin on it. I hope things get better. I've been married 8 years and have had kids for 6 1/2 of those. We've had MANY very hard times!!!

 

mosley12 - February 2

things are better now i guess. he went to bed, after we talked a bit. im just so scared he's gonna over react about something and just spring divorce papers on me. im the one having to fight to keep it together now. i cant sleep so im about to clean this house spotless from top to bottom while ds is in bed. he'll sleep til about 7. hopefully it will make DH feel better

 

Mommy_to_be - February 2

Tell him that if he's so worried about the housework being done to do it his d__n self! My fiance is the one telling me not to worry about doing laundry every few days or cleaning.

 

mandee25 - February 2

Mosley12, what he is expecting of you is comletely UNREASONABLE. You should make him stay home the whole day alone with your baby and see how much he gets done. I'm sorry but what does he think you are-superwoman?

 

eclipse - February 2

Don't clean out of guilt-you did nothing wrong. He is totally stressing about all of his life changes. He does need to stop picking at you, though, and the stressors need to be reduced in the household for your baby. I still recommend counselling, as I said before. My husband and I were together 8 years before we got married because we needed to work some stuff out and we were all over the place, but with counselling and support, we have a VERY strong marriage. It is amazing that he asked his colonel for help and very encouraging. I am thinking of you, good luck, keep us posted.

 

in the woods - February 2

I'm going to say something out of Dr. Phil - he said one of the best things he did in his marriage was sticking to two words: "Love it!" - whether it was a hole in the middle of the living room when he came home, or everything in the house was pink etc. My dh absolutely does not care about small things. I guess I got lucky. The person who makes me feel guilty about the cleaningness is myself - I feel that I've been loosing the cleaning battle since my kids were born. I get that one has to let go some things with the kids. IF my dh was demanding and picking about the house - that would have been hard for me, to the point of impossibility of being together. **** It comes across that he's got a bit of more power in your relationship? The fact that you would clean your house spotless after hours - not because you think it's necessary, but because he wants it? He compares his mother unfavorably to you? You are the one in fear of seeing divorce papers? There is definitely an imbalance, and the baby adds on top of that. He needs to change his ways, but you, too, need to spread your shoulders a bit with pride.

 

Keli - February 2

is it just the house ? divorce over cleaning the house.... tell him to do it, or hire a maid.

 

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