OT Non Sympathetic Wife

17 Replies
olhdw101 - February 3

Depression eats at my husband (especially in the winter months) and has been most of his adult years, he is medicated (many different kinds) and has been for years but with no good results. I know this sounds bad but when he is in his depressive states I just can’t comprehend the problem (he wants to be left alone and sleeps A LOT) I ask him “what’s your deal” “get out of bed and help me out”. For some reason I think depression is bullsh*t and I just feel like these people need to get their sh*t together….bad me, I know. I ask him how he feels and he just says “I can’t explain it” he says he feels like his brain just shuts down. Does anyone have any first hand experience with it, can you tell me what it is to live with depression? (my husband doesn’t like talking about it) I WANT to be more sympathetic to him but I am a firm believer of mind over matter. Help me change my views!


piratesmermaid - February 3

Depression isn't BS. I've had it, and I come from a family that has it. My father went to a hospital for it. My mother was diagnosed but refused to take the medication, and to this day she has never been right. It is as your husband describes it, it's like your brain shuts down. And with your "mind over matter" theory, if your mind isn't all there, then you can't use it to fix your problem. You don't want to baby your husband, encouraging his pity won't help, but neither will being rough. It's an actual condition. This website can help: depression.com/understanding_depression.html


piratesmermaid - February 3

keep the underscore in the website address, that's supposed to be there :)


mommybabyboy21 - February 3

as your husband says your mind doesn't work...its as though you are in a fog...you want to BE HAPPY and GET OUT OF BED but you can't its like someone has put weights on you, it almost feels as though you tell your body one think or your brain and it doesn't want to listen...you are most comfortable just laying in bed because it almost phsically hurts to get out of bed. And you are absent minded, your brain just won't process...sorry I am sort of going through a depression right now. so I can't really focus...another side effect.


Lisastar9 - February 3

I read iy to my dh he said" I understand how he feels. I can't explain it either." "sometimes it is like I just need to shut the brain off,and sleep" "Do I need a cure for whatever I have I don't know? Is it a form of depressionI would never know if I need treated or not"


LollyM - February 3

I do know what this is like first hand. I suffered from many problems when I was in highschool and was eventually diagnosed as having manic-depression, or bipolar disorder. I will say that if the medication is not working for dh, he very well may be manic-depressive. If he is only depressed sometimes, I can almost guarantee you that's what it is, and I would suggest that your hubby get on a mood stabilizer to stop the cycle of normal-ness (or manic-ness) to depression. He will be more even all the time instead. Wether he has regular depression or manic-depression, they are both difficult to deal with. When he is depressed he wants to sleep because he does not see the beauty of life around him. He is just trying to get through the day and on to the next. The more he sleeps, the worse he will feel though because he will then become groggy from too much sleep. Try to get him to go for a walk with you and the kids. The sunlight and exercise will really help him. Even if he is exhausted, try to get him to go outside and get some fresh air. I know it is hard to be compa__sionate because I have also been on the other side of depression. My sister, father and husband all suffer from depression. It's like, I just want them all to chill out and stop complaining but I know it's not that easy. It's hard being the supporter in this situation but just try to be compa__sionate. Remind hubby that you and the kids love him and that you need him and want him to be part of your day. Try to get him to be as active with the fam. as possible because he will then feel more included in the world and therefore less depressed. If he is alone allot when he is depressed, he could very well be trying to figure out how to escape the feeling, (It is very bad, it feels like you've been punched in the stomach, or even in your soul. You feel like your very existence is deteriorating from the inside out. You feel crushed and very sad. try to think of your worst hormonal moment while you were pregnant and that might come close to the helpless feeling of depression.) Anyway, feeling trapped by the feeling will make it worse. depression is a real illness, as is manic-depression. It happens when the chemicals in the brain are off balance and the right medication should help the brain to produce the proper amount of chemicals. As for mind over matter, it is possible to overcome depression with will-power, but if you are extremely depressed, you have no will power, so often people need medication for a while so that they can feel normal and than ween off of it and use their will to balance the problem. If dh is manic-depressive though, he should stay on medication permanently (unless otherwise specified by his doctor) because they can flip back to depression very easily and have a high suicide rate because of this. I don't mean to scare you, but he should really go see his doctor if he is still feeling depressed, even some of the time. Good luck, I know it's hard to understand mental illness, but just try to be compa__sionate and encourage dh to get out of bed and go outside.


flower.momma - February 3

I used to have depression, and it literally feels like your body and brain is full of sand. You can't move, feel or think. My husband helped me work through it without medication or psychiatric help, and I came out of it. But I can say that I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. Maybe if you learn more about it you can be more understanding, and that will ultimately help him fight it more than anything else.


hello - February 3

Think i have replied to you telling u there is a disease, illness...dunno how you call it that is legitimate and affects people in winter..... I am sure i saw it on dr phil, saw it somewhere.......you may want to read up about it on the net...do a google search or talk to a dr... Its apparantly real


sahmof3 - February 3

I felt a lot like flower.momma described. It IS a very real condition, usually a chemical imbalance in the brain. I had PPD... it felt horrible. Just trying to think enough to load a dishwasher was so confusing. I was able to go through the motions to take care of my son (the only one I never got treatment for for my PPD) for 11 months... so I wasn't even that severe because I could force myself to do things, but even in that state it was he**!! Look at it this way... if someone had cancer would you expect them to just snap out of it or that mind over matter will make them well? It won't. Just as someone with depression can't... they need treatment and if that treatment's not working probably the best thing you can do for him is try to be supportive (I know, I've been really depressed w/ PPD, I know it wasn't easy for dh to live with)... and make appts FOR him and insist to the docs that his current treatment isn't working and help them get to the bottom of it... I'm sure he doesn't want to be the way he is, but he can't think well enough to get himself the help he needs right now.


sophandbob - February 3

Depression is very very hard to get out of. Just as it is very hard to describe to someone exactly what a contraction feels like, so depression is very very hard to explain. For me i could describe it in many ways. I just felt heavy all the time. I felt I was wandering around with a big hand on my head pushing me down. if it gets worse in the winter is is possible he may be sufffering from SAD. In which sun bed sessions might help. How willing to get help is he?


lexa - February 3

Well, if "mind over matter" would work on depression, then there would be a few pharmaceutical companies out of a lot of money on the depression drugs they sell. Depression is a real issue that millions of people battle with daily. For some, medications work and they may need to seek counseling to help them to better cope. My mother suffers from depression and my father did after he had a stroke. Many people react differently. Both of them didn't want to get out of bed. My father was angry and blamed the world for what happened to him and would find anything to nit pick about. My mother didn't want to get out of bed and would cry a lot. The more you would say something to her the more she would cry. You just saying "get out of bed and help me" could make him feel bad and upset. And phrasing it like "whats your deal" also. It is hard for some people to talk about. For some people, it is an acc_mulation of different things and makes it hard for them to understand exactly what put them there. For others, it may be something that is haunting them from their past (ex. molestation/abuse). So depression isn't bullsh*t. It is very real and very hard to get "cured" from. Check various websites on it (as piratesmermaid gave one) and try to familiarize yourself with it so that you can better understand your husband. That way the more you know maybe the more you can communicate to him and help him through this. Good luck


Keli - February 3

OLH, I think I would have a hard time being sympathetic also. I dont understand it. Because, I've never dealt with it. Is he getting help with his depression? Is there anyone that you can talk to, to help understand it ?


Jenn - February 3

Depression is hard-BUT it is clear that his meds are not working. You should call his doc. Don't tell him to do it-its obvious that he doesn't want to talk about it. Make him an appointment-you go with him and tell the doc what your observing. Depression is caused by many different hormones in the brain. Some people think that depression is just from something in that person's life that makes them unhappy-which can be true-but often its chemicals in the brain. Certain drugs only work for certain hormones. You could also get him some b6 vitamins which naturally boost the development of serotonin in the brain. He REALLY can't help it-but you don't want it to pogress any further. Call the doc-if he won't listen-get a new doc. You husband's quality of life is at risk.


SonyaM - February 3

I am trying really hard not to jump down your throat but it irritates the hell out of me when people a__sume (WRONGLY) that people can just "get over it". If it was that easy we (those who suffer from depression) would just get over it. It is very very hard to explain how one feels but when I am at my worst here are some examples of how I feel and cope. I procrastinate everything, from bills being paid to returning phone calls to cooking to cleaning. I also get so overwhelmed by just the thougt of taking out the trash, washing the dishes, cooking etc. It's just too much to handle. My depression does get worse in the winter and when I don't exercise but even under the best circ_mstances and with medication I still don't feel "normal". I never have. I also suffer from severe anxiety which is just as horrible as the depression. I had a Dr. describe it to me like you have these HUGE antenas on your head picking up on everyone elses emotions around you. That is so true. I hope you can learn to be more sympathetic to your husband because your att_tude does not help him at all. If he has been like this his entire adult life, I would guess you knew this when you married him. I suggest to read up on this and maybe you can become more sympathetic to your husbands needs.


LisaB - February 3

This is such a hot b___ton issue for me as its very personal but I will try not to offend anyone and still share an honest view on it. My mom has severe depression and anxiety disorder. My mom has it bad she has been through ects (electric shock therapy) and the gamit of drugs trying to stabilizer her and make her ok. She is now stable but her depression nags at her constanlty, she is on meds to help her get up in the morning (ok mid afternoon) drugs to make her sleep at night and her regular depression meds. She hasn't worked in over 15 years. I have talked to several dcotors, done tons of research and have explored this illness to no end. It is a real illness. My mom has been the sad crying type and also the mean screaming type and neither is pleasant to do deal. She would be extremly mean then would be overly nice and wonder why I wouldn't spend more time visiting her in the hospital. It was insane trying to figure out what the right thing was to do for her. Due to all the drugs she has been on over the years she has developed lupus so now she has her depression on top of lupus. Having said all of that it is so incredible hard for me some days not to shake her and tell her to snap out of it. I understand she can't but it is hard to sit by and watch her be so incredible sad and not do anything about it. There are many things she can do to keep it at bay and many triggers that set it off and when she isn't proactive it makes me so mad. I feel its not fair- and I equate it to an alcoholic. An alcoholic has a disease that there is a cure for but they have to particpate in their recovery as do people with cancer, heart disease, depression or any other illness. There are behavior therapies that can help, there are medications that can help a ton of options out there so the person who is ill needs to get the help as hard as it may be. For myself I have had to learn to build a wall around myself to protect myself- depression can be very toxic to those around the sick person and you must be able to ensure your mental well being and not become an enabler. I don't feel you are being a non-sympathetic wife- you have to take care of yourself an lo. Simple as that and I think it is so completely normal for you to want to tell your dh to get his sh*t together I feel that way with my mom ALL the time-I knew its not her fault but living with it is hard. I moved cross country to get away from my mom so...... Oh I also am a frim believer that to an extend this is mind over matter issue.


Ca__sJ - February 3

I used to feel the exact same way as you do. My SIL has an anxiety disorder and I used to say to my husband all the time, "why does she act like that?" She is just doing it for attention" I used to think it was because she was just a weak person. Then I got post pardom depression after my son was born. Karma right! Well the best I can explain it is that NOTHING makes you feel better. Not taking a long bath, taking a walk, going out with friends, praying, excersize, nothing. I felt like I wanted to just die for no reason. It is so weird and there is no way for you to understand unless you have felt what he is going through. I understand how you can feel that way but it really isn't a mind over matter thing. I guarantee that he wants to feel better, he just cant.


MelG - February 3

I've had depression for most of my adult life. Only a few times have I allowed it to get me to the state where I couldn't get out of bed, so I am a firm believer in behavior modification in the treatment of depression. I've seen some others describe how they felt. What it felt like for me was I could always tell when the depression would be coming on. It was like I could just feel like some kind of change happening in my brain. Especially when I was in college. I would have times when I could be a phenomenal student. I could remember everything, do very well on tests, papers, and other a__signments. Then when the depression came on, it was like my brain would not work properly. It was kind of like a fog as others have described. I couldn't remember things as well. I felt like my whole intellectual ability was downgraded to mediocre. I would usually have to wait it out for however long it would last until things were restored again. I definitely believe in the chemical change part. I feel that was what was happening to me in cycles that I could not control.



You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!

Already a member?
Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?