Problem With Dad Surfacing

6 Replies
Nerdy_Girl_10242006 - September 24

I know I am a stay at home mom and I have NO right complaining, but before he baby was born my husband and I agreed he wouldn't get a second job unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary. Well he didn't get a second job...he is just pulling double shifts. He says I told him he can't get a NEW job, so he will keep his job, just work more. He leaves at 5:30 in the morning and isn't home until almost 10 at night. I feel selfish for wanting him to be home with me and my daughter. I want her to know who he is. One day a week (he works Saturdays too, Sunday is the only day he has off) isn't enough. Which that day I don't even get with him because we are at his families and my familes house because thats when they all want to see the baby. I don't want to go visit everyone, but if we don't they all just say...well we will go over then. My daughter is 4 weeks old. She needs her father there. We aren't struggling with money AT ALL. The reason for him working so much (20 dollars an hour) is so he can get me a good anniversary present...He has always been the guy who buys me expensive I know that is what he is doing. But I would rather get a 20 dollar bracelet and spend time with my husband, then a thousand dollar piece of jewlery that I will only wear every once in a great while since its not like I go out or anything and NEVER see my husband. Then he is talking about baby #2. OK baby #1 wasn't planned, and if he isn't going to be here, one I will raise alone...not two. He can't miss out on his babies life just for a nice necklace, a pair of earrings or whatever he is planning on getting. Am I wrong for wanting him here? Should I back off?


Krissy25 - September 24

Tell him to put all that extra $ towards newborn diapers. lol..


Nerdy_Girl_10242006 - September 24

oh I know least let the baby benefit from it too lol


KLT - September 24

If you've told him that you would rather have him home with you and your child to spend quality time, rather than have him work all these hours just to buy you an expensive gift.... and he still is doing it - sounds like he's not listening to what you really want. You are not wrong for wanting him there, and I think he should re-evaluate what he's doing for you - because he really ISN"T doing for you if this is truely his reason for working extra.. If you aren't struggling for money at all, why does he feel the need to work extra to purchase these things? Maybe you need to approach him again and tell him how you feel about this. You said that he's talking about baby #2...and your fears of him not being there - based on what you said it sounds like he hasn't been around at all...not just during this time he's making extra money to buy you a gift, so i'm a little confused. Anyways, point to him again... express that what means the most to you, what you would love more than anything in the world for an anniversary gift is quality time with your, him, and baby.


wailing - September 29

I think alot of times, men don't really know how to spend time w/ the bb's when they are so young. My BF is a great guy but really just started bonding more w/ ds when he hit 10-12wks. Up until then, they are so new and fragile (and really dont do much) that dads find it hard to figure out how to hang out w/ them. It's dif for us b/c we've known them since they were in our bellies so we've seen a progression:) I think that if u just tell him u want him home more he will listen. And more importantly let him have a day w/ the bb so he can feel impt:-) Best thing I ever did for us was to leave ds w/ his daddy for the day.


iemc19 - September 29

I agree with wailing - we have 4 kids and my dh still doesn't interact hugely with them until they are about 2 months old..he's scared of hurting them...! I literally have to place the baby in his arms for him to look at them! Now he comes in from work and the baby is his first port of call - if the other kids don't jump him first! I'm a sahm too, he works 12 hour shifts - days/nights and we have a strict 'you ask me first' about overtime...Granted he hates doing them but a bill is a bill but he checks with me first...If - like just now where the shifts are covering holidays and there is limited time off - he hasn't been home much, o/time is a no-no...I would speak to him again and tell him there is no point doing the o/time to buy you something nice if you are miserable without him..Also I would be telling the family that you aren't going visiting/nor are they to be on your doorstep every Sunday...make it alternate Sundays - you have to settle into your 'new family' situation too!


Nerdy_Girl_10242006 - September 29

He did cut back...and when he realized that what I wanted was him to be home, he quit doing over time...He has been home without overtime for 3 days, today will make it 4. He has no problem interacting with the baby. She and him have a good bond. He can already make her laugh and smile and has been able to for a while now. My daughter is very observant and loves the attention, she usually can't contain herself with all the excitement. Almost anyone can make her laugh and smile. He isn't scared no more, and even though she was born 5lbs 14oz and was VERY tiny, once he seen the nurses with her, he wasn't scared and he jumped right in and took care of her. I am so glad he was hands on right away with her. He don't like the thought of doubling again. He said at first he was excited about it and had all the energy in the world, but now he sees how much fun we have together as a family, and eating dinner as a family, he just can't get himself to work a double shift anymore. I'm glad he turned around and decided that working doubles and buying material things isn't as much fun as having and spending time with family.



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