Vent Motherhood And Friendships

8 Replies
Kara H. - March 4

I am feeling rather down tonight. My two best friends and I have been an inseperatable trio for about 6 years. We all started working together 8 years ago, but it was a 2 years or so it became a real outside of work friendship. During these past 6 years we have all had hard times and have leaned on each other. We each have had some good fortune and have celebrated and been happy for each other. One of them, J, (we go by our initals) was building a new home and I was so happy for her, even though I was going thru an extremely difficult time financially. It was her dream home and she made it happen - I was so proud of her. My other friend, S, got the promotion I had tried for and did not get a year before that. Once again, I had been dissapointed for myself, but so happy for her. After I had lost my 3rd pregnancy, J came to me and offered to a surrogant, despite never wanting children of her own (her older husband had a vasectomy before they were married). I was moved and humbled by her generosity. Fortunately I got pregnant with Max right after that and was able to carry him to 34wks and bring home a healthy baby. During the pregnancy, J became very distant with me. I tried to strike up conversations about our usual old topics - landscaping, cooking, Martha Stewart show - and she was just cold. S was struggling with infertilty during this time, and we discuss often how she felt joy for me and sadness for herself at the same time. When Max was born, J did not call or come to the hospital. I have been back to work for 5 months now, and the situation with J has deteriorated even further. Even things with S have become more strained as she enters her second year of infertility problems. Now, after 4 years of having a horrible job, my husband has landed a great job with incredible benefits. We needed this new job so badly. I sobbed tears of joy when I got the call from hubby that he got the offer. It was such a relief to the financial strain we had been under for so long. Unfortunately, it has only worsened my situation with S & J. They both know how dangerously close it was for me to pay our house payment each month before he got this job. Instead I more coolness from them. It is getting so bad I am considering quitting my job. I am really starting to hate to go in there. I'm miss my friends and feeling quite left out. The only time they are even halfway like their old selves with me is when I am in a tiff with hubby over something and venting about it. They seem to get much friendlier then. Almost like they can only function in the friendship when it's raining on me and the sun is shining on them... *sigh* I have started to forge new friendships with a few ladies that are moms who had only been aquantences previously. But its not the same as having old friends that can finish your thoughts and tell you when your new shade of lipstick makes you look sick...


punkin01 - March 4

kara i almost can see mysef in this same boat that you are in .....i am at work and get off in 22 mins but i will look this up later and give you details of what i have been going through ...maybe we can be there for each other ......


Kara H. - March 4

Thanks. I am going to bed now but I check out your story in the AM.


mosley12 - March 5

im sorry your going through this..i now how it feels also being a mom and having relationships strained..being as young as i am, 20, not many of my friends have kds. and my best friend is hardly even interested in kid. we live 12 hours apart, and her and her fiance came to visit a few months ago. she barely spent any time with me and went off with him the majority of the ime. when we did finally spend time just me and her, it was 2 hours and he pitched a huge fit about being left alone..she's good with ds, but doesnt like to hold him. she's never been a baby person. she'll play and talk to him, but only when im holding him or he's playing. and her fiance is a jerk. he treats her like c___p and than complained when it was taking to log for me to get ready to leave...i was like um, i have to get a 4 month old ready to be gone a good 4-5 just feels like im losing her. i have other friends, but she's my best. and i know we can go weeks without talkin, and when we do its like nothing changed, but it still hard. i hope things get better for you


hello - March 5

All i want to say is i am sorry kara, it sucks when we lose friends, its happened to me too... Some people you hold close to your heart forever... I think its a big thing when u have a child and it should be you somewhat p__sed with j who chose not to acknowledge your child being born after quite a few yrs of friendship and knowing the stuff u went thru for him to be born.... My mum always said to me , where there is three one will always be left out, you may think it sounds stupid but it seems like it may be the typical scenario... My daughter is only twenty mths and got left out at the park today as two others played more together.....It could be they have formed a bigger bond and are u leaving u out, it could be the cla__sic thing of having a child so therefore because u aren't as readily available anymore they may just stick together....Everything i say, i say from experience.... One of my friends straight out told me she does less with me nowadays cause of my restrictions being my child...... That hurt.....Kara all i can say is sometimes things change when kids come along, please dont think i am being mean or stupid, i am just going from experience u know.... Our friends that dont have kids suddenly think they have nothing in common with us now or are even silently jealous.... Talk to them on their own, one at a time..... I am sorry and i hope i offered some reasoning to why it may be happening.... Dont leave, stick with your job, your new friends, u will see it will get better with the new ladies..... Just talk to them one on one and see if u can get some honest answers..... My reply stemmed from a__suming both of these friends from work dont have kids........Hope things get better soon


BriannasMummy - March 5

Kara: Its horrible what youre going through. When you make good actual friends they become almost like a very close part of your family and it must be hard to see them so distant. I have to agree with mosley and hello, its probably because they dont see that they have very much in common anymore now that youre busily being a mom to Max. They really have no real valid excuse for being the way they are though. I think you need to take them aside and find out what the deal is. I really think you deserve an explanation as to why they arent treating you like their friend, you were there for them in their happy times and supported them and even felt true joy when they had successes. I think it was cold of J not to even acknowledge your son when he was born, she knew what you went through to have him, and to finally accomplish having a baby should have been celebrated with your best friends. Im sorry that youre going through this, and I honestly hope they come around. Talk to them, it cant hurt. ~Kristin~


Shea - March 5

I have also lost friends since getting pg, and many of the ones I have retained have not really been the same. I have the opposite problem of mosley, I am 35, so most of my friends either have no kids or their kids are older. The ones with no kids have pretty much shut me out, and the ones with older kids are usually busy with all of the activities their kids are into. It sucks, but sometimes people grow apart, and maybe you will make some good new friends.


Kara H. - March 5

Thanks ladies. I love the expression "Friends are the only family we get to choose". And for years I thought of them as family, so this has been really hard. I think J might be a lost cause. She is very pa__sive, sweet, and hates confrontation. I think she is discontented with her own life right now. Her husband is extremely selfish and puts himself ahead of J and his kids (J's step kids). Their big new home ended up costing a lot more than they had anticipated and money has been tight. This past december she was working in all the appointments she could to make more money and not eating lunch to save money so their would be money to buy HIS teenage daughters' christmas presents. I found out thru S that there was lots of overtime offered where her husband works, he just refused to go in any work anymore hours over his 36 per week. I also think my pregnancy awoke a silent desire to have children - and since her hubby had a vasectomy 12 years ago, it probably isn't going to happen. Its too late for a reversal, and they couldn't afford it anyway since he refuses to bring in more money. I suppose they could use donated sperm, but know her husband, even though he would say he was OK with it, I'm sure he wouldn't miss an opportunity to throw it up in her face. Things may work themselves out with S. At least I hope so. I don't think S is that happy with her life right now either but I know she will finally reach a point when she will make the necessary adjustments. I'm hoping when she reaches that point, things will improve. My hubby is home so much this last month with the new job, I haven't had the privacy to have serious phone converations with S. He will be working nights next week so I will try to talk to S then.


Emily - March 5

I think alot of the time that even though you were able to be happy for them when they had what they wanted, gthey feel jelous at what you have in your life. You have a hubby and a baby and are now more financially stable. You hve what a lot of woman crave. I am so sorry your firned couldnlt be more happy for you. I too have friends that have slipped away since I became a mom. I feel so left out of my old high school circle. I mean there are only two of us who are married with kids. I am only close to one of my two best friends in college. She moved to ohio but always visits me when she comes home to visit her grandparents who live in the same town as I do. She loves my girls. My other friend, I was alos friends with in high school and I never see him anymore. I see his family all the time as they still live in town. I feel like all my other firneds go out and drink and party all the time. I can't do that and even if I could, I honestly do not want to. I have also been lucky enough to make new friends that are moms. My dh step cousin so to speak (My sh step mom's neice) and I have become fast friends. they got married about two months before us and they had a baby about two months after we did. We e-mail every day and get together when we can. (we live about two hours apart....) I am sorry you are dealing with this it can be hard. Try to be pleasent to them and continue to make new friends.....



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