Husband Upset

40 Replies
TonysWife - May 12

I am 39 and married almost 6 months. My husband has a child with his first wife. She had an extremely bad labor and had an abortion rather than have another child. He was very upset, but they broke up for many other reasons. Before we got married, we agreed that having a child wasn't necessary. Now he is hinting around that he would like me to have a baby. I have been doing quite a bit of reading here and on other boards about going through labor, and I just can't see myself going through it. I am extremely sensitive to pain--I once passed out in the dentist's office from a relatively simple procedure, and I vomited just from having a bloody nose. My mother says I won't be able to handle it and I will end up with post traumatic stress disorder, because she knows someone who is like me who now has PTSD from labor. I sincerely know I can't get through it, and I certainly don't expect it to be even remotely tolerable at this age. He's starting to get upset about this, although he immediately quiets down when I remind him about our decision. I need to convince him I am doing the right thing--I want this marriage to work.


pbj - May 12

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice, but seriously childbirth hurts, but it's nothing you don't get over. If you don't think you can take pain, there's always an epidural. If you don't want children though, you need to remind your husband of that.


fasha12 - May 12

Having kids needs to be a mutual decision on both of your parts. Yes pregnancy and birth have it miserable parts, but in the end you get a beautiful baby and you forget all of the misery you went through. At least this pain has a reward in the end. Like pbj said, there are drugs that get you through it. Personally I found the morning sickness that I had all 9 months worse than delivery. I had a great epidural in time to push my son out. The contractions were intense, but bearable. If you decide to get pregnant, remember you can make pregancy as great or as miserable as you want it.


yungmama - May 12

I agree with the previous posts. Don't not have children because you are scared of the pain. If there is another reason then that is fine. Millions of women go through this all the time and come out of it fine. It is such a wonderful experience to feel something growing and moving inside of you. And to know that you can give this little person a life. It is such a privelage to be a woman and be able to experience something like pregnancy and childbirth. Good Luck in whatever your final decision is! Hope everything goes good for you and hubby!


Cher - May 12

Having children is a life long, even past 18. Your life is no longer your own. I have really hard pregnancies and am not a happy person during those months (now 35 weeks). Labor is hard and painful, but it's only a day or so in your life. Even though I am in a happy marriage and I love my hubby more than anything... I had to think about this question... Can I take care of my children on my own. What will I do if I become a single mother? Be sure this is what you want. If your hubby is starting to get up set with you, go to counciling and start talking about. Men hold back their feelings and he is only telling you half of his thoughts. That's just my opinion. Good luck on your struggle.


sara b - May 13

You could always use a surrogate or adopt if you want children. Also you can have a c-section. You can choose to be knocked out and you'll never feel a thing until afterwards and then you won't care because you'll have a beautiful baby. Plus if you're lucky like me you'll never feel a thing. I went to be induced and I was 5 cm dilated. I felt maybe 5 contractions during the whole thing and only felt them pull her b___t out which was actually kind of ticklish more than painful. Seriously, birth is not as bad as TV's and movies make it out to be. And if you don't want to do it then find a surrogate so you can be a part of the whole thing without having to deliver. I wish you the best.


TonysWife - May 14

Thanks, everybody. I have been reading some of the labor stories here, and it seems like the epi isn't reliable. There doesn't seem to be any way to be sure I can get the baby "removed" like a tumor, so I don't even have to be awake when it happens, either. Not many good options. My husband is not happy about it, I can tell--thank you Cher for the suggestion. I didn't think this would be an issue in this marriage, but it seems to be one for him, at least now. He wants me to go to counseling to work out my issues about the labor. I don't want to. If I could go in, scheduled, just have the baby removed, not be awake, and wake up and have it over with, MAYBE I could manage it. But even the pregnancy seems so uncomfortable. I thank you all for your honest information! This is a great site!


falafal0 - May 17

It sounds like you guys have serious issues - don't we all?! He needs to take into accout your age and the lack of desire to have a child. If you agreed on things before you got married, then he really does need to be respectful of that. It can ruin a relationship. I know of two friends who had a planned caeserean section becuase of how strongly they felt about going through labour. If you can find it in you to go through the pregnancy, before you decide, find a doctor, midwife or obgyn to at first discuss you fears first. They are real, but if you can go ahead with it, can be dealt with. It truly is a life changing and altering decision to make, but one you will be gald you made once you hold you sweet baby in your arms. Find someone, a professional (not a pshyc, if you want to fine, but someone who can control when you have the baby and who understands...)who can give you some good advice about what you can do and perhaps go from there. good luck tonyswife


Bonnie - May 17

Everyone is different whrn it comes to the labor. You hinestly cannot know what to expect until it happens. I was absolutely TERRFIED. So much so, in fact, that I did not want my pregnancy to end! You know how most people get so uncomfortable and just want that baby out? Well....not me! lol I was uncomfortable of course, but dreading what was to was no where near as bad as I thought it would be! They induced me with pitocen even. When it got fairly uncomfortable (at 4 cm) I had the epidural. Which did nothing, it didn't take. So they redid it. And then I felt NO pain whatsoever. I was laughing and chatting with my family when I was 10 cm and ready to push! The epi wore off on me twice (highly unusual), but they were quick about upping the drip. But when it did wear off, it certainly hurt, but was not unbearable. Mind you, it would have been unbearable if I had to feel that pain for hours on end (hats of to you natural women, lol) as I just would have worn out. But it wasn't an "OMG I am going to die" sort of pain at all! All I can advise, is to please not listen to other people's horror stories. You just do not know until you get there. I wopuld gladly do my labor over and to be hinest, I actually miss the experience! It was wonderful! The only thing I cried from was just being afraid. :) It iw worth going through, and even if it is bad, it's only one day. You should also discuss this with the OB as well. I am sure they will have ways to help you cope.


Bonnie - May 17

BTW, I ended up having a c-section and was awake. I was so freaked out at the thought. I was crying all the way down the hall. As soon as I realised they cut me and I wasn't in pain, I relaxed. It does not hurt at all. You do feel pressure, but it is in no way a painful pressure. Just wierd. But sooooooo worth it to be awake and see that baby!


livdea - May 17

with your mind set of course you couldn't get through it. Keep telling yourself how horrible it is and'll be just that bad. Pain is all mind over matter. I'm scared to death about having a baby but I've already been mentally preparing myself and I'm going all drugs! At least that's the plan!! Many dr's do elective c sections nowadays. But honestly, just from reading your post...if you go into your pregnancy being in so much fear of the unknown and well... ( I just keep reading "I certainly don't expect it to be even remotely tolerable at this age.") Your mindset and outlook about pain and what not is way off to be thinking about having a baby.


TonysWife - May 19

Thank all of you again. I appreciate your insight, even if it isn't what I want to hear sometimes! Thank you Bonnie for your comments about the horror stories. Since I honestly do not have any friends who would go through labor again, it was good to hear that you would do it. None of them have had more than one child due to the experience, and one of them had to have a colostomy from the tearing. That sorta put a few of us off to labor and childbirth as well...but it is good to see it worked for you! Fasha12, I had some problems with bulimia in college, and I have great respect for somebody who could get through all that morning sickness--9 months of vomiting would have killed me! And livedea, your advice is correct. I can't even get my head around the idea of going through labor. It just looks like such torture, such hell--so unpredictable. I am not competent to handle it, you are right! I've decided I am going to suggest that my husband and I consider separating if he wants another child before he gets too old. I am going to offer the surrogate as a solution, and I think I am even willing to accept him having a child with someone else if he wants to stay in the marriage. But I know I can't ask him to stay in this marriage if he feels this strongly about a child, and I would die of guilt if he stayed in the marriage and regretted it later on. I really love this man so much, but if I have to let him go I want to do so before we have a long history together. I left the first boyfriend I really loved when I was 20 over this same thing, and that was emotionally very painful. I have learned something, however: after two relationships (potentially) ending over this issue, I had better stay single from here on out. I can't keep hurting other people this way. Again, thanks to all of you--it's so much easier reading your considerate comments when I know you have no axe to grind.


Bonnie - May 19

LOL...I missed Fasha's post. But I totally agree with her. My morning sickness was really 24 hour a day sickness. The nausea NEVER stopped. Thank God mine only lasted for 12 weeks. I agree that it was far worse than delievery.


Bonnie - May 20

Can I also ask a question....if you coould get through a pregnancy pain-free...of course no guarante on that....but if you could, would you then do it? What I mean is, do YOU want a child and the only reason that holds you back is the fear? Or do you just not want children at all? If you DO want them, I suggest you go to your OB and discuss how deep your fears run and see what the OB has to say. You also hear horror stories about how bad the c-section recovery is. I was up walking that same day. I did not need the pain meds but took them to make the nurses happy. And I would NOT say I had a good pain tolerence at all. I am a big baby, lol. Personally, I think it was a combination of the morphine drip he gave me and just the fact the my OB was so comfotable with doing them. All the nurses had made comments about how they loved working with him and his patients which of course relaxed me. During the procedure he and the other doctor were joking around about things which also relaxed me. I think when your mind is the scared of the pain....I mean I was in major panicky tears about it is just no where near as bad as you think it will be. When the epi kicked in, I had NO pain at all. Not even a teensy bit. If the epi doesn't work all the way or doesn't take, they can redo it. The odds of having a fast labor with no time for an epi are extremely small for a first baby. It can happen of course, you cannot predict it all, but it's a very low risk. A lot of OB's will schedule elective C-sections as well. The point is, IF you want a child, don't let the pain hold you back. Talk to your OB and be very frank on your feelings. He/she may have suggestions.


Chem400 - May 21

HI, while I would never agree that you should schedule a c-section to avoid pain, as that certainly isn't the case for most women, I do agree that Bonnie makes an excellent point: is it pregnancy and labor, or is it deeper, do you actually even want a baby really? If it is just birth, neither way will be a good option for you since your fear is so deep. May I suggest you look into adopting an infant from Russia or China? Many baby girls around the world are thrown away and considered undesirable, if Tony wants a baby and isn't so arrogant it has to be HIS genetically than adoption is an option. Best of luck! Most women go on to have more babies and some people overembellish their labor stories, I know women who didn't even have tylenol and just a couple of stiches with their v____als...a well-managed labor and v____al delivery is the best case scenario, not the worst case. Keep us up-to-date.


TonysWife - May 24

Thank you all again for your consideration. I was wondering if OB's do elective c-sections if you ask. A friend of mine had a horrendous labor with her first and he did a c with her second and she said it was easier and the recovery was not bad at all. Is that true? The labor is just so overwhelming that it seems like an idea. Thanks!


marranie - May 25

Really the problem is you have no way of knowing if your labor is going to be long or short, i have had one baby without any pain meds and one with epidural (very big baby). Both were ok, the epidural worked well and they lowered the dose towards the end so i could feel contractions but not major pain. 39 is not old, i had my second at 38 and will be 45 when i have this one. I am going to a birthing unit where they don't have epidural this time (guess i'm either brave or nuts), If it is such a big deal i am sure you can get a c-section arranged, if you vomit from a bloody nose then childbirth may be a bit traumatic, there is a fair bit of blood, and if you are too scared or tense it makes it hard to have a natural birth, slows things down, so your ob gyn will take this into consideration and i am sure you will get your c-section, sounds like you have a REAL fear of pain/blood, and it is not just a whim.



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