I Am So Depressed After Miscarriage

40 Replies
Grieving - October 18

Hi. I had a miscarriage 3 months ago at 12 weeks, 4 days, after having a healthy baby boy who is now 2. I have been completely devastated, although going about life normally as it appears to everyone else. Little does anyone really know that I am silently suffering and cry every night. Only a few close friends and my parents knew. I thought for sure I would get pregnant again right away, but I have been on the money with my periods since the miscarriage. This last one, I was 2 days late and my br___ts were so sore and I was going to the bathroom so much that I thought I was for sure pregnant, but my period came again. I was really bummed. Whenever I see a newborn or small baby, I die a little inside. And yesterday, one of my friends just announced that she was pregnant with her 2nd. I live in a small town - and I am really happy for her, but again, I died a little inside. I know that it's normal to grieve - but what if I never get pregnant again? I just feel like I have this hole in my heart and I miss the child that did not survive. Although I am a Christian - I am not comforted and so so so confused as to why God allowed this to happen. I know all the stuff about chromosomal difficulties, etc, that lots of women have miscarriages. It doesn't help much most of the time. I was also really naseous and had trouble with my appet_te, then I got sick, and had a toothache. I had the miscarriage about 2 weeks after the illness and toothache - and a lot of the time, I feel responsible for why the baby didn't survive because I just didn't feel healthy. Thanks for any help or prayers you can offer.


M>F - October 19

Im sorry for your loss... I know how you feel I had a misscarige last year at 7 weeks My 1st pregnacy .I was so devasteaded and sad I would cry everyday and wanted to be left alone. I so badly wanted to get pregnat after that happended. I myself am christian too and I would ask why...and asked GOD so many times, I came to the point that GOD knows why he does this things I would pray and ask him to let me get pregnat but would'nt .....and for a moment I also thought I was not going to get pregnat so I asked 'God' one more time and I just said to him to let it happen when ever he wanted it to..I still wonder about my little one and cry over it to.I would have liked to know if it was a boy or girl,,,, well after almost a year in may of this year2005. I found out I was pregnat I was so happy to find out the good news now .Now Im 27weeks pregnat and everthing is going well im not gonna lie to you but at first I was so scared I would worrie that mabye it would happen to me agine but THANKS TO 'GOD' it did'nt .I know it hurts all you could do is pray and not blame' God 'for this he knows why this things happen it's better not to ask anymore "'why"this why that. Im just happy to know my 1st little angle is in heaven...and that I can't wait for the day for this baby to be born...just give it time don't blame yourself it's not your fault and pray and once you know it. I Know the Lord will bless you soon with onther one just give it time ok! I'll pray for you!


Dawn - October 25

I do believe after having many miscarriages myself that God has a reason for everything. I have 7 children, 8 miscarriages, and now 13 wks pregnant with #8 with many problems. I had people say that I should be happy I have children, and it shouldn't be a such a big deal having a miscarriage. I could never understand that, I thought each pregnancy was special and very much wanted, and never knew why people could be so cruel. The only thing that got me threw was thinking their must have been something wrong with the baby, and god chose the best thing for our family and the unborn child. You need to remember that it is not YOUR fault, be stong, and getting pregnant again will help you with the pain. Try not to be nervous if you get pregnant again fearing the worst, because each pregnancy is different. I have also learned to not tell too many people when I was expecting till the 2nd. trimester because of the fear of having to explain what happened if their was a loss. I wish you the best, and trying to relax to take care of yourself is the best medicine to offer. Nobody could ever understand a loss unless they have had it happen to them. You are not alone with how you feel!!!!


carol - October 27

Hello - Any woman who has ever experienced a miscarriage can empathise with you completely! To be honest I dont think these are in the minority either. Like the last lady I too believe strongly that God only takes a baby when there is something wrong which means the bub wouldn't have developed normally. I still remember the way I felt with my 1st miscarriage. I was devastated - I never thought for 1 second that it would ever happen to me! But there you go...:-( I took a few days off work but then decided to go back because I had to much time at home to mull over everything. I needed to keep busy. And like you I cried most nights and hid my pain from ppl. We deal with things in our own ways. I can tell you it will get easier for you and again have faith and be patient. Lastly this may be hard to do, but relax about the whole baby making issue. You might find then that you are pregnant! It worked for me anyway. I've just had my 2nd miscarriage and again I grieved for the little angel but I have faith that it was only taken because something was not right. And in my case I was right. I actually had a molar pregnancy(partial) and if the bub had continued then I would've had a complete which still means termination plus chemotherapy for me. So, see sometimes there are obvious reasons. Other times we just aren't meant to know, but just trust.


cat - November 11

Grieving, I understand what you are going through. I have had 3 miscarriages, 2 at 4 weeks, and one "silent" of twins at 15 weeks. That happened last October. I was devistated. I cried everday for months, and that's on antidepressants and zanex! You need to grieve. It's not healthy not too, and each person has different needs in how long they grieve. Also, I understand your desire to want to be pregnant again so soon. I wanted to be the month after! But I realized that what I was wanting was to fill the void. Not that I didn't want to have another baby, but at that time, it was mostly to fill the void and take the pain away. Give yourself time to grieve your loss before you try again. It's not only fair to you, but to the baby you lost, and the one you hope to conceive. I did not become pregnant again until 10 months after loosing the twins. Not that I didn't try before, but now I am very glad I didn't get pregnant sooner. I am able to enjoy this pregnancy for what it is, and focus on this new blessing. I remember my boys everyday, but I allowed myself time to grieve, so I don't get so down anymore when I think of them. My new little son that I am carrying(22 weeks) is very fortunate to have 2 guardian angels looking down on him. I hope you find comfort in the stories from other women on this thread that have been where you are, and that you will have a baby, when the time is right. Best wishes,


BernieB - November 13

Dear Grieving, I had a miscarriage two months ago and I felt so sad that God had taken this child. I have no children yet and have been trying for two years to have one. My sister-in-law is due a few weeks before my 'due date' would have been, so I have to watch what I am missing out on. The only thing that keeps me from falling apart is that I believe another child will come along and that God took the other baby because...well, he had his reasons. I was at my sister's wedding yesterday and I was surrounded by pregnant women - five to be exact! It was painful to have to be reminded that I am not one of them. I want to be pregnant so bad it hurts to think about too much. Even my husband is starting to panic that we will never have a baby, but I believe it is just around the corner. Keep healthy in body, mind and spirit, so that when you get pregnant again you will have the strength to cope. You must say good-bye to this lost child or you will never move on. It wasn't your fault and you should never blame yourself. Women of all types loose babies: no matter how healthy you are it can still happen. I hope every day you can wake up a little bit stronger and eventually you can say, "I may not ever forget but at least I can forgive God for taking this baby and hope he gives me the chance for another one".


Carol - November 13

Bernie, Im am so sorry for your loss and feel for you having to be among so many 'fortunate' women! Even though I've had 2 mcs - preg' come fairly quickly for me. Usually when TTC its only 3-4 mths before a BFP. But well my post here will show I'm not as lucky this time! I wish u so much luck and shower you with as much baby dust as you need! All the best:-)


Dawn - November 13

Hi. I dont know when you posted this post on this website, but I just feel that I had to write you. My situation sounds sort of similar to yours. I had a misscarriage in May at 6 weeks.. unexplained. Then 6 weeks ago I had emergency surgury to remove an eptopic pregnancy. I have a 2 yr old daughter and with her my pregnancy was fine. I am also a strong Christian and the Lord has been helping me get through all of this, and I thought I was doing fine. But this week I found out that all three of my sister in laws are expecting anywhere from their 3rd to 4th child and (they are all far along and did not want to tell me). I am not angry or jealous, but this has brought so much of my hurt and sorrow back..it seems all of their joy is my sorrow times 3. I dont think I have ever hurt like this before, not even when I went through the losses at the time. I feel like you do, silently suffering and crying every day at any moment. I feel like no one understands even though they say they do. I dont feel I can even be around strangers who are pregnant let alone 3 my three sister in laws at the same time! I just want to find someone who understands the painful painful hurting. As to your question of why God allows this to happen... I found comfort in this.. That as parents God gives us the gifts of our children so that we raise our children in such a way so that we teach them and bring them to salvation through Jesus Christ, Our goal is to get them to heaven. You have done your job with the baby you think you have lost. You carried that baby and now he or she is in heaven. I know that is hard to accept but I guess we just have to. I also dont know if I will ever have a successful pregnancy again- that is also a part that hurts so much. It is really hard to just trust in the Lord when you dont know what lies ahead. I am scared. It is okay to greive as a christian. Just look at Job! There is actually a great book that you might like to read- it is called Holding On To Hope (it is short and easy to read in one day- even with a 2yr old tugging on your leg! I would love to hear from you. Please know that I dont know you but you will be in my prayers. Thank you for letting me know that their are others out there who feel the same.


Hayley - November 16

Hi Dawn, I am so sorry for your losses, I too had a miscarriage in May and had an eptopic two weeks ago. I feel devastated. All of my friends from my coffee group either have newborns or are pregnant bar one. I don't want to be around any of them and can't even look at other pregnant woman without feeling hurt and wondering why me? I also have a gorgeous daughter who is nearly two and can't wait for her to have a brother or sister. I also feel like people around me think it is silly to grieve as the pregnancys were so early ( 6 weeks). It does help to know people out there feel the same. I just really can't wait to get pregnant again but also very anxious.


Grieving - January 7

I would like to thank all the women who have posted on this thread. I just finished crying my eyes out! I also wanted to let everyone know where I am at. On the 21st of January - my calendar is marked for the birth of the baby I lost. I also have 3 friends who are pregnant, and another one just old me she was 6 weeks pregnant yesterday! Like Dawn & Hayley, I can barely handle being around them when I should have been having my 2nd any day now. I am happy for the pregnancies, but I, too, am saying "why me, God?" The depression I feel seems even worse than before. I just had another period. On the money. As the baby's due date get's closer, the depression gets deeper. I am thinking of contacting my OB to let him know how much trouble I am having. Maybe get on an antidepressant, or ask him about kicking in some fertility measures. He wanted me pregnant again right away (I am 40 - got pregnant w/ my first @ 37 after trying for 4 months.) I though for sure I would be pregnant again by now. Now my son, who is 2 1/2, asks me "Mommy where's my baby sister?" I can hardly stand it! But you are right, I must say goodbye to the child so I can move on. And probably forgive God, too. Although it is so bizarre to think the God would actually need my forgiveness. Maybe I should have a memorial service to finally confront it. I don't know. I thought if anything this would be getting easier, not worse! Well - I guess I better try to get some sleep now. But before I do that, Cat, I hope you are doing well with your pregnancy - that's great! I hope everybody keeps writing. Thanks!


chuni222 - January 21

Just read your testimonial.Imust admit that it brought tears to my eyes,since I had a similiar experience but just recently.I had a stillbirth on December 4th 2005 after 38 weeks of pregnancy. The autopsy proved that nothing was wrong with the baby. He was a healthy 8lbs 6 ounces boy. It was my first pregnancy and I was soolooking forward tohim.Likeyou I try to hide my grief fromeveryone...cause it hurts do much inside. I feela gut wrenching pain inside everytime I see a baby now.I wish that I couldget pregnant right away but my husband does not think we should try again so soon.But I know that the pain will be less for me. What hurts the most is that I never got to hear himcry,never saw him smile and never saw his eyes opened at all. I know the hurt that you feel and I know the grief that you feel everyone says that time will heal all wounds but this is something that no woman would ever forget..you are in my prayers take care. God loves us all. He took away my precious angel cuse he wants the best.


Hayley - January 22

Oh my gosh Chuni, my heart goes out to you, you have bonded with your son and I could not begin to imagine how you feel. But I feel you need to speak to people to help with your grieving. No one will ever know how you feel but it will help to talk about it. My prayers are with you and your husband. Noone deserves that sort of heartache. Take care. To Grieving, I hope you have had an ok time on the 21st. It is not easy, my baby would have due on the 12th and i felt very alone and did not speak to anyone about this. I did buy a couple of angels ( as I have had miscarriage & eptopic this year) and they are a symbol of my babies as I never want to forget them and this has helped a little. My thoughts are with you.


Tamara - January 23

Oh.....I know exactly what you are feeling. I have had 4 m/c (miscarriages)...but mine were very early on....7-8 weeks. I dont think the weeks matter, a m/c is a m/c. I still grieved the same. My story: I had 2 ectopics that landed me in the hospital. Then through an hsg test, found out that my tubes were blocked. So...my only route was IVF. Talk about expensive!!! But, I am living proof that people will do whatever they can to have a baby. I do the same as you...when I see a little baby...I LONG for that...I want to hold my baby and kiss her/him, etc. I want to be a mommy. Well, my first 2 IVF's I got pregnant, but they both ended in miscarriages. Talk about depressed! I was a wreck. But somehow after that...I just read a ton of books, talked to people on this website...and prayed alot. I knew I had to change my att_tude toward it and truly accept that God is in control (I too am a christian). I still had to go through the normal, natural grieving process; but I also needed to tell myself everyday that "this is out of my control.....its in God's control". Not only telling myself that...but truly believing it, and letting go of all my anxieties about pregnancy....thats what helped me. We just signed a brand new IVF contrace (yep.....gave them another $15,000) and I had my egg retrieval yesterday. They got 20 eggs, 15 of those were mature. 10 of those fertilized perfectly. I am transferring 2 or 3 this Friday, Jan 27th. This will be my 4th IVF attempt, but 6th pregnancy attempt. I am NOT giving up...no matter what. I have noticed that I am no longer stressed or anxious....because I am truly trusting God now. It feels good. I hope you get through your grief soon. Dont try NOT to grive....you HAVE to. A book that helped me was "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields. It was mainly about her PPD, but she still went through hell to get pregnant and it made me feel good knowing I was not the only one going through this. I read it in 2 days. I hope this all helps you. I really do know how you are feeling. Baby dust to you!! Tam


hayley - January 24

Thanks to your response on my situation.This is Chini222. I appreciate what you have said I will try to grieve as you suggested.At first I was in shock,then I was angry and now I am sad. My son was laid to rest last Monday ..it's hard I talked tohimevery night, sang to him, played music for him and read to him. I had bonded so much that I sometimes felt that he used to listen to me when I spoke to him.I miss himsomuch but I know now that he is in god's hands. You are alsoin my prayers ....bless you.


Grieving - February 21

Hi Ladies. Thanks to all who are writing. I haven't been on here for a while - but I just thought I would check in and see what else had been written that might help me feel better. The last entry was actually on my birthday, Jan 24th. I was anticipating holding a newborn right around then. That week was really hard. I cried almost everynight (unbeknowst to my husband). My birthday will always be a memory of the little being that never was. Although I was barely 13 weeks, I can certainly not imagine going longer and losing the child. To Chunni222 - I can't imagine how you are dealing with that - I cried so hard for you and prayed for you and your son last night. I prayed so hard that God would protect every pregnant woman in the world who was looking forward to having their child - that he safeguard baby and mommy - miscarriages, stillbirths - they are just horrible and hearbreaking - no one should have to go through it. Why we do I guess is a question that I will probably ask God when my time is up. Why he allows it - what is the purpose, why he doesn't allow some couples to have kids? IT makes me sad, angry, confused..... I am still not pregnant - and Tamara - you are right when you say that God is in control. Creation is definitely His deal. I can totally feel for you in your situation with the IVF's - I have 2 older sister who went through the same procedures that yielded no results. I was almost afraid to tell them about my first pregancy - I didn't tell them about the miscarriage, though, only my parents and a few close friends new that I was pregnant this last time around. One of the things that is so hard for me is that the age difference of the 2 children was perfect - The new baby I wasn't able to continue having would have been 2 1/2 years younger than my son. I felt truly blessed by God and praised him continually and marvelled at how wonderful it was that he allowed us to get pregnant again at that time. I know God has his reason for not allowing the pregancy to continue. I guess what I am saying is that I don't feel comforted...still. The heartbreak is wrenching. I lay awake at night thinking of God and talking to him and wondering why it happened to me - was it a lesson to feel the pain other women and my sisters feel (if so - it is unbearable!!!!)? Why would he choose me for this to happen too? Doesn't He realize that when something like this happens, it can shake the faith of even the strongest Christians? And - let's just say that I am probably the weakest one on the planet. I still believe...but I am still asking God why he blessed us with the pregancy and then stripped it from us, when the whole time I was praying that he protect me and the baby and help it to grow right as His plan intended. I feel like he didn't hear me. I also feel ike I will never get pregnant at the rate of effort my husband is giving it. I was ovulating a couple of days ago - so I jumped on him - and he was "too tired" - then last night it was "I don't want a December or January Baby." I got so mad and turned off! I don't care what month we have the baby! I think we have to have a long talk about all this. He really is a bit clueless as to how devastating this has been for me, my faith, my hope. I feel stressed. My doctor said he wanted me pregnant again right away after the miscarriage last July. Here is it 7 months later - and I'm still not. This site is really my only outlet to talk about how I truly feel, because no one says stupid things on this site and all the women are so helpful and comforting.. I go to a couples group every week, and 2 of the women in it are pregnant and it is so hard for me to see their joy - why would God put me through that? Then I'm asking myself why he singled me out and why these other 2 women are fine and I was not!? I'm not jealous of them or anything....I pray for the health of their pregnancies and the blessings of all of our children. To Hayley - thanks for thinking of me and how I was doing around that time. I hope all is going well enough for everyone, despite our losses. At least we all know we have each other to write too. Well, I've probably rambled on enough for now. Have a good evening and please keep writing.


Julie - March 13

I too just had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was painful, but I thought I got through the worst of it . . . until I just found out that two of my friends are pregnant. I feel like a horrible person because I am not happy for them - especially for the one friend who did not want to get pregnant. In my head I understand that everything happens for a reason - my heart, however, does not understand that. I feel your pain and I will pray for you as well as for myself.


michelle - March 18

I just had my first miscarriage this last week. I was 10 weeks. I have never felt such strong emotions that I am feeling now. I hurt so much. I know how it feels to lose something so precious. I have a 10 year old daughter and a 13 month old son. They are the greatest. Is there anyone out there that can relate to how I feel. Why do I feel so at loss?



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