8mths On And It Still Makes Me Cry

7 Replies
rj80 - June 11

I have a beautiful daughter who is everything I wanted and more. She's perfect but arrival into the world was far from what I wanted. She was 5w premature, delivered by emergency csection and then spent a week on intensive care because she was too weak to feed. I know that by some standards this is nothing and I am so grateful that she is so perfect and healthy but I can't shake this awful sense of failure at how she came into the world. I wanted a natural brith so much and I didn't even read the bits on Csection as I it didn't even cross my mind I'd have to make that decision. Now even when I think about it (like now!) I cry about it. If something is on TV about poorly babies or birth I cry. If I try to talk about it I cry. I want to start to try for another baby in September but I'm worried that things will go wrong again or I'm going to be paranoid about the birth. Who do you think I can talk to? Do you think my health visitor could help (my DD has 8mth check up tomorrow) or should I talk to the doc about this. I just don't want to keep feeling like this because it's in the past - I just can't get over it though. I go from blaming the midwife for ignoring my concerns that she I thought she was breech (which she turned out to be), to blaming my sister in law who was so nasty to me a week before the birth that she caused a massive family arguement that upset me greatly, to blaming myself for working so hard and getting so stressed out. I know none of this matters now but I need to get some closure on the issue and don't know how to.


Malica - June 12

Things didn't go "wrong". The goal of labour is to have a happy and healthy child which is what you now have! It doesn't matter how you got there. I think birthing cla__ses should stop talking about birthing plans because only about half of labours go the way we thought they should. My labour was nothing like I thought it was going to be -- at 36 weeks I was hospitalized with pre-eclampsia on bed rest and induced right at 37 weeks. I lost too much blood and was kept a bit longer too. After a full month of working with lactation consultants we were still unable to exclusively b___stfeed. I know it can be hard to let go of the things that 'should have been', but in the grand scheme of things you really need to sit back and ask if it's going to make any difference to the type of little person you're raising if she was born v____ally or through C-section. Do you think your own birth had any impact on what kind of a person you have become? I don't remember who asked me that (more about b___stfeeding and not so much the delivery), but it really put things into perspective for me.


Crystal83 - June 13

I think as long as you now have a perfectly healthy baby then your delivery went, maybe not as planned, but the way it was supposed to be in order for your LO to come into this world alive and healthy. Focus on the fact that what had to be done is what brought you your little girl. Maybe you should talk to your Dr. about your feelings and maybe about postpartum depression. Something like that can trigger it and you want to be healthy and in the right frame of mind for when you try to get pregnant again. *hugs* You did a good job bringing your beautiful girl into this world under the circ_mstances, please don't hang onto all the bad memories of what went wrong, focus on the good ones.


Justine1 - June 16

Your health visitor should discuss things with you - including postnatal depression - at your 8 month check and will probably advise you to go to the doctors if she thinks thats what you have. You have a beautiful little girl, thats all that matters, the rest is history. You need to try and move on from thinking about the birth - there's no point blaming anyone, premature births just happen sometimes and generally its not known why. I think its fine to try for another baby in September and I think you should be referred to a consultant automatically as you gave birth prematurely last time to be given special care - at least thats what happens in my area. It maybe worth discussing your concerns about your next baby with the health visitor. Hope things get better soon.


Jlips - June 21

rj80, I'm sorry that you're opportunity to have a natural, amazing birth was taken away from you. I can only image how that would feel. You have experienced a deep loss and now you are grieving. Don't punish yourself. I'd encourage you to be a__sertive and discuss in depthes with any issues with your provider. It is your experience and your sole right and responsibility to ensure that it is the experience you desire. Also be forgiving and compa__sionate that she came early. You have the final say on what company you keep. If your surrounded by negativity- stay far away from them (even if they are family). Her early arrival is neither good nor evil, its just when she came to you. Grief is ok and not a bad emotion. I think becoming a mother teaches you to surrender. Surrendering and yet understand that you are strong...what a mix of emotions~


margie - June 27

I'm sorry you were robbed of having the natural birth you wanted. I get sad still when I think that I am unable to b___stfeed, I have several things that prevented me...I feel like a failure as a mother and that there is something wrong with me...but as everyone has said you have a beautiful and healthy child, not everyone who has a premature infant is so lucky, she was blessed with strength and the love of a wonderful mother. Don't be down on yourself, she is healthy and that is the most important thing, I suggest talking with a professional before you become pregnant so that this worry of repeating an experience like this doesn't rob you again of joy, but this time the joy of creating life during pregnancy. Your daughter was probably breech because she didn't have enough time to turn because she was a bit early, as long as you monitored for premature birth this next time around there is a more likely chance you will have a head down baby...find a provider that will do a VBAC with you. The fact your daughter was premature, that she breech and that she had to be delivered through c-section is NOBODY's fault especially not your own. Whenever you feel like crying think of her beautiful face and the joy she gives you when she smiles and feel blessed that she is healthy happy and strong. Good luck!


rj80 - June 28

Thanks so much for all the replies. I know that you're all right but sometimes it still gets to me. However, having read everything that everyone says I did talk to the health visitor briefly at DD checkup. They said that there was a risk of it happening again but that I'd be monitored much more closely and that I'd probably be more aware of things myself because of now knowing what it's like to be pregnant. I suppose I hadn't considered that before - I'm no longer a first timer and I know what's coming in some ways and I'm definatly less ignorant about the possibilities. Thinking of it this way made me feel a little better. I think that I;m still going to be a bit worried about it all but like everyone said, so long as the result is another beauiful healthy child what more can I ask for.


margie - June 30

usually when you have had a premature birth already they monitor you much more closely the next time and you will know the signs....hey us first timers do have a hard time with knowing signs of labor, i was in labor since the night before i went into the hospital with my dd because i just a__sumed that labor always hurt, i was so wrong, what a newbie! haha, i was already 2-3 min appart with contractions and my dd was in distress because i needed to have her bag broken since it wasn't progressing properly, it could have been a bad situation since she let her meconium out in the womb and could have been born very sick, next time i'll know better...and so will you! they can give medications to help prevent a premature birth next time, im glad you talked to someone!!



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