Dad Needs Help Wife Depressed And Refuses Help

6 Replies
bgrams - March 12

I recently got married and shortly after my wife became pregnant. We disscussed having a child and were not trying to or not to have one, we felt whatever happened, happened. Well now she is 7 weeks pregnant and is completely depressed, she feels the only way for her happiness is to have an abortion. I could not live with this choice. She is 22 and has a 2 year old from a previous relationship. She feels by having this child she is giving up on all her dreams. That she doesn't want to be 22 and tied down with 2 kids an unable to finish school and have a life. I am willing to do what it takes to do both, have this child and make her dreams come true. However I fear if we have this child she will regret me and the child and our marriage will fall apart or if she aborts it I will hold resentment towards her and the marriage will fall apart. She refuses to seek any help, feels it is pointless and won't really talk or open up. We are at a crossroad and I am at a deadend. Can anyone give me advise how to help someone who is unwilling to help themselves?


lisarenee - March 12

Maybe an intervention with the whole family. That is the only thing that I can think of.


tristansdad - March 13

i cant understand why some people see children as be all and end all of hopes and dreams i feel they should be seen as an added extra and soething to share our hopes and dreams with.... i think she needs to understand that if you are willing to do anything to help her finish school then she shouldnt see the children as a burden. As for how to get round this i dont know what to suggest only sitting down and talking to her or getting someone else to talk to her


Justine1 - March 15

Try talking to her Mum, women generally listen to them or go to the doctors with her and try to get to see a counsellor to talk things through. Maybe if you were willing to stay at home and look after the kids while she goes to school she'ld change her mind. I think you need to go through all the possible options with her and find a compromise, maybe your/her parents help out too. Hope it works out for you.


carriebug - March 16

buy her some thing shiny and pretty it works or money


falafal0 - March 23

I really feel for you - it must be difficult to be a man and try to get through to us when we are pregnant instead of the other way around. It really does depend on your wife, who she is, how she feels. Because she must have only found out recently she is pregnant, she is emotinally charged and is in the thick of it. It's all she sees and all she can see. Imagine looking at the same red brick, but one of you absolutely certain it is blue - if you both see something different, how can it ever been settled? So difficult. If she says she wants an abortion, do you REALLY think she is serious? Perhaps she may need a time of adjustment to some to the idea of another baby. My 7 mth old is my world, he's our fourth baby. I was dead set against having more and my heart and mind was rather hard towards the idea. The longer I said no to my husband, the wider the gap got between me ever thinking I'd be ok with the idea of more. I really was not in the 'baby mode' anymore. It is phscyical as well as emotional I beleive. The mind is SO powerful. I did some soul searching and after awhle became comfortable with the idea. That's not to say when I actually fell pregnant that I didn't go through an emtional rollercoaster. It did take quite awhile to adjust.. I think your wife really needs to talk to someone and clear her head, get herself straight and be honest. If eitther of you hold resentment towrads each other it will definately come betweeen you. Make sure she knows you support her aspirations and dreams, will help her with the baby, will get childcare, family help or babysitters while she goes to school, whatever you agree with. Perhaps make an action plan now, so she knows you're serious and will go through with it to put her heart and mind at ease. Good luck...


blairmama - April 9

carriebug.. seriously? thats your solution? i really hope that was a joke.. because if not, you have some depth issues. anyways.. bgrams.. i really feel for you. i miscarried with twins at 5 months. my husband and i had just married, and we were definately not ready for a baby.. let alone two. but i wanted them so badly. i especially was in no way ready to take care of a child. i was selfish, and immature.. and i had some things to learn before i became a mother. but i couldn't see that back then.. all i knew was that i'd miscarried two babies that i wanted more than anything.. and i found myself depressed, feeling like my life was over. i refused help.. and my husband tried everything his little heart could manage to come up with. i wore him out. i told him i didnt love him, i said i wanted a divorce.. that i felt my life was over and i was still so young.. i didnt want to be tied down.. i wanted to get out and enjoy life. but really.. i was just hurt. i loved him.. i just felt betrayed. not exactly by him.. though at the time i felt he was somewhat responsible for what i was going through since he'd gotten me pregnant.. but mostly by God. i grew up in a christian home.. and everyone at my church wanted to help.. but i was embarra__sed and hurt.. and refused any help or support. my husband and i went through months of ups and down.. and finally.. i split. i left him without warning.. and ran off to the east coast. i know now that it wasn't right to do.. i've grown up quite a bit since then.. but i must say, i think it was inevitable. i needed to change.. and leaving.. forced me to change. 3 months later, i came back.. and my husband and i worked things out. we're now 36 weeks pregnant with a boy.. and though our money situation isn't exactly what we'd want it to be.. we're ready. more importantly.. im ready. we have a wonderful relationship.. great communication.. and things are going great. i learned not to take him for granted.. which was a big problem we had to start off with. i know your situation is different.. but in all honesty.. i think your wife needs to make the call on her own. anything you do or dont do.. can and probably will change her view of you. when a woman is in a place like this.. as much as you want to help.. the best thing you can do is let them decide. yes, you are her husband.. but she is still an individual.. and she will want to make these calls on her own. if you try to change her mind.. she'll more than likely want to blame you for an regret she has. even though its hard, and not want you want.. sometimes things have to go down hill before they can improve. im not saying that what happened with me or that anything im saying is certain, because clearly no two people or situations are the same.. but i guess my best advice to you.. is wait it out. i know its tough, and living with a depressed spouse can't be very enjoyable.. but if you let it be, however the situation is going to turn out.. is how it is supposed to turn out. i know you want the baby, and it appears that she doesn't.. but you also have to take into account her hormonal change. sometimes pregnancy doesnt come on as such a good thing in a woman's mind. if you wait it out.. it is very possible that she could change the way she feels.. and want the baby. then again, it could go the other way aswell. all im saying is.. i know i was meant to miscarry. as much as i hate the thought.. i was not ready. im not saying that every miscarriage is a good thing or even that mine was a good thing. it is a very painful thing to go through, and i do NOT wish it upon anyone. but if i hadn't miscarried.. we wouldn't be having our little max. things happen for a reason, or at least thats what i believe. i hope that this helps in someway.. and that its not too late. and if i hurt anyone's feelings in this.. i did not mean to by any means. i was simply trying to give the best advice i could. im sorry if you don't agree. and carriebug.. i didnt mean that as a jab at you.. it just seemed a little insensitive of you to say something like that. i hope you dont really believe that.



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