AGAIN IM AFRAID

30 Replies
ksmom - May 31

Well it is may 31st, and well i havent got my period this month (the doc said between 16-31 of May) but me n dh have been bd......but the tests (ultrasound and blood and hpt) are ALL NEGATIVE just like last time :( I am afraid that I am gonna end up preg then havin another m/c and i dont want that to happen.....what should i do.....but i am not going to stress cuz that is the worst thing i can do....my dh thinks i am preg, cuz i have some symptons but i dont know what to think....any advice would be nice thanks

 

ksmom - May 31

guess i will have to wait it out by myself, thanks ladies for the posts from before, but i am going other places to see if i can make a friend or two, just too depressed about everything and have noone to talk to.....thanks and good luck to all

 

Cindy Johnson - May 31

Hey ksmom- I understand about all you are going through. I had a stillbirth with my first baby at 7months last June and then just last month had a m/c. I still haven't gotten af this month and she was due Sun. so I don't know what to think about that. I tested, but it was neg. I am sorry that you feel noone cares. I hate that for you. I don't know your whole situation, but I care. :) Let me know if you want to talk. -Cindy

 

ksmom - May 31

Thanks Cindy, sorry for both yoru losses. I already have a ds and lost the last baby at 8 weeks (I had went for tests to see why i wasnt getting af and they couldnt come to a reason why my blood work was out of whack, the OBGYN told me i was just too fat and had to lose weight and that was causing my no period situation. So he sent me for CT scan, ultrasounds and more blood to see if i was going into early menopause, the last ultrasound they found a baby, i wasnt told bout it till 2 weeks later it was horrible). I just dont know what to think anymore, my friends just dont seem to care as much as they do, they dont listen when i talk. and well my dh he can only listen for so long before its like ya ok change the subject. But i do know not to stress bout it, cuz if af was to come it will delay. I guess it will be a waiting game and i am going to treat it as tho i am preg just in case they find out i am later on in time. Thank you sooo much Cindy for letting me get this all out, i know its only on computer but i feel better a bit, so thats a good thing.

 

Cindy Johnson - June 1

KS- I know what you mean. My mom and dad took care of all the arrangements after my daughter died (WOW THAT WAS EVEN HARD TO TYPE)!! They had her buried right across the street from them and every time I go to their house I can just look over and see her grave. That never gets easier. I miss her with everything in me. Every minute of every day. This month it will be a year since I lost her and it seems like just yesterday. Her name was Sophia Leigh Johnson. She was so perfect. She looked just like her daddy. She had fetal hydrops. I had never heard of it before Sophie. It is fluid on the organs and under the skin. Sevier adema. They took her c-section one day after they found it on the u/s and she didn't make it. We lost her as soon as they cut the cord. It was and is the hardest thing I have EVER been through in my entire life. It has really changed me. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't even feel like the same person. You know I remember how free and happy go lucky I was before and that is all gone. Sophie changed me. We just go back from Disney World with my mom and dad and my niece who is 6 and I thought about her the entire time I was there, because she should have been there with us. You know going through things like this change us and our families dont truely understand because they are not in our minds. I mean I almost had a nervous breakdown. It is a miracle I am still right in my mind today. The Lord has really brought me a long long way. You can make it. If I can you can. Trust me, I know how tough it can be, but God said he would never give us more than we can bear. And about your weight, I am 260 lbs. my doctor said that he didnt think my weight would interfer with me ttc. He said as long as I am ovulating that I should be ok. Are you ovulating? Well keep in touch. If you just want to email me my email is [email protected] . I will ttyl!!Goodnight!!

 

ksmom - June 1

Wow Cindy, your reply brought tears to my eyes!! I am quite speechless right at this moment, but I am truely sorry for the loss of your daughter, Sophia (wich btw is a pretty name)....I have to go to work right now but i will email you when i am done. Thank you every sooo much for this reply. Ashley M

 

suzzieq - June 1

Hi Ksmom and Cindy. I am so very sorry for the losses you both endured. It is absolutely horrible and I hope you are coping as well as you can. I have had 2 m/cs, the last one was in Feb. Ksmom, I know how you feel about being alone and no one to talk to, it sucks, and doesn't make things easier. Most of the girls that I chat with here have recently gotten pg and now are off on another journey, great for them, makes very happy, but also leaves me out in the dust! I hope you are pg and all your dreams come to life!! Cindy, I am sorry for your losses as well. And about the weight, I am heavy too. My doc says the same thing, since I haven't gained it all at once(always been heavy) then it shouldn't affect ttc at all. He wants me to start doing more but not loose alot either b/c that could affect ttc! So I am just taking light walks each night and eating a bit healthier. And that helps with the stressing thing too. You ladies are strong women, whether you feel like it or not! Keep your belief, your positivity and your love for life!! It is ok to be afraid as long as we balance it out with courage and the will to fight!! You now have a friend or two ksmom, we are here and we can all help each other!!

 

ksmom - June 1

well ladies i just wanted to let you know i wont be on here till monday as we are moving adn we wont get it hooked up till then, but i will let you know how the weekend went adn if anything has changed!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR LISTENING AND REPLYING TO ME IT IS MUCHLY APPRECIATED :) thanks you both

 

kiza - June 1

Hey ladies, sorry for everyone's losses, the pain does get quite unbearable at times and I have found a lot of comfort from this site. I too have had my fair share of heartache. Stillborn daughter Oct2004 ( also a form of fetal hydrops ) m/c on new years eve 04, m/c in march05. Positive hpt in January 06, 20 week ultrasound showed our son had Trisomy 13 and would be incompatible with life. I was induced and delivered our boy ( Noah Cooper ) on May 8th 06. He defied all the dr's predictions that he would die before or during delivery and lived for 7 hours before pa__sing away in my arms. Some days I just don't know how I am functioning, I'm just so numb, and you are constantly reminded of pregnancy and babies everywhere you turn. My sister is also pregnant and she was 3 weeks ahead of me, and I just can't bear to be near her right now, which I know hurts her. But I can't help it, it hurts too much. Because I have been through this before, I know the pain does get easier in the future but it is just the present that is still so raw. Sorry for rambling, but if any of you girls need a bit of support I'm here. Take care all xxxx Kiza

 

Cindy Johnson - June 1

God Kiza how on earth do you make it through? 4 losses. You are incredible. Are you going to try again? What kind of Fetal Hydrops did your daughter have? My baby girl had sevier anemia (a lot of fluid) they said she bled into me. I am not sure what Trisomy 13 is, but I am going to look it up in just a minute. I had a m/c last month. 2 losses for me. I think we are going to try again soon. After Sophie, life seems so empty. Please keep in touch. I listed my email in my last post. Please feel free to email me. Where do you live? I am in WV. Lots of love to you. I wish you were close so we could hang out. I would love to have someone like you to be around. Someone who would understand when I am being weird, that it is ok. Well I will ttyl.

 

kiza - June 2

Hey Cindy, I live in South Australia. They weren't able to tell me exactly what sort of hydrops Shannon had as she had pa__sed away a few weeks before my scan, so her body had already started to deteriorate.But she had a lot of excess skin and fluid around her neck and head. They just said it was one of those unfortunate things and would be highly unlikely to happen again. So when we got the news about Noah's condition and how rare that is, I was just shell shocked. Any loss at any stage is hard to deal with and I would dearly love to get pregnant again but I'm really scared. We are seeing a genetisit on the 20th of June so maybe they might have some answers. I also have my check with my obgyn on Tues 6th so hopefully we will get the final autopsy report and maybe a bit of closure.Have they said if you are likely to have problems in future pregnancies? Do you have any other children? I am very fortunate to have 3 already, 6yr old girl and 4yr old boy / girl twins. But that doesn't make me want another one any less. People can be quite hurtful with the things they say like isn't three more than enough? And I suppose for some people it is but for me I still have the longing and wanting for more children, so hopefully one day we will be blessed again. It's great that we can support each other on here it is so hard talking to people that really have no idea how much pain were are in. Sorry rambling again. Take care girls keep smiling tomorrow is another day forward. Write back soon girls. xxxxxxx

 

suzzieq - June 2

Oh Kiza, how incredibly strong you must be. I am at a loss of words to say, I am truly sorry for the losses you have endured. The children you have are very lucky to have such a wonderful mother!! And if more children is what you desire then good for you!! Yes we are lucky to have one, two or more children but when we feel the need to be a mommy again then people need to respect and support that! I wish you the best future!! Cindy, best of luck when you decide if trying is what you want to do. It seems like such a difficult decision sometimes doesn't it. There are times I still question myself, am I doing the right thing, am I just setting myself up for the pain again???!!! It is awful. Ksmom, I hope your move goes well. I am in NY. We have been getting some bad thunderstorms, just makes the days a bit more depressing sometimes. I hope everyone has a good weekend!!

 

Sav - June 2

Hi I am so sorry for everyone's losses and am in total awe of how you manage to function after reading your stories. I have just had my 3rd miscarriage(12 weeks, 9 weeks and now 6 weeks) and am finding it very difficult to move on. I think most of it is a sense of lonliness as very few people know about the last two (including family). I am an Aus but presently living in US for husbands work. I so understand the feeling that you have changed Cindy. I am not the person I was and don't like the person I have become. Since the last miscarriage have just felt like a huge knot has developed in my heart and stomach and it doesn't seem to want to budge. Experience hsa taught me that it does get better but I think I am always going to carry this huge sadness. On the plus side I do have an adorable ds who is two this month but it also greatly saddens me to think he may never have a brother or sister to play with. As my dh says each day is a day closer to holding our baby. Hope everyone has a positive day. Rachel

 

Cindy Johnson - June 2

Sav- I am not trying to be preachy or anything, but PLEASE don't lose this time with your baby boy. You will never get it again. I know you are so sad for your other babies that you have lost, but look at what you have. You are richly blessed. RICHLY!!! Everyday gets a little easier, but him being only 2. (oh Lord) what I wouldn't give. Please just don't let this pa__s you buy. Maybe if you start focusing on him and not worring so much about being preg. it will happen for you. :)

 

Sav - June 2

Cindy, you are not being preachy. I am incredibly blessed and the losses only magnify what a miracle children are. My time with him is certainly precious but as Kiza says it doesn't make you want another one any less. Even after experiencing miscarriage I can not imagine the pain you have been through and still experiencing. The strength and courage you show is inspiring.

 

Cindy Johnson - June 2

Sav- As long as you realize how blessed you are, I am ok. We are thinking of trying again soon. I just hate not trying. When we went Disney and saw all of the babies and little kids, it killed me. Well I will ttyl!!

 

kiza - June 2

Cindy nothing any of us can say will change how you feel inside, but hopefully what we say will also have room in your heart so that deep down you know you are not alone. We have all suffered through tradgey, yet here we are trying to support each other and I think that goes to show perhaps we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. This is a great place to vent our problems and fears and I really feel as though everyone here genuinely respects each others pain. Smiles to everyone xxxxxxx

 

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