Am I Normal

15 Replies
V - March 7

It will have been a week tomorrow since I miscarried our 12 week old baby. Friends and family have long forgotten and I feel like I am dwelling. I can't function properly, cry at the drop of a hat and feel so tired and empty. I think of nothing else and just wish that I too could pass on silently in my sleep. Am I a freak because I still am mourning a baby that never had a chance. People say that it's natures way and that it just wasn't meant to be... but I fell pregnant while my tubes were tied, doen't that mean that it was meant to be? Did I cause this? This is not my first mc and I have hurt badly but this time I am more heartbroken than I ever thought possible. Please other mothers who have had a mc talk to me and tell me when you started to be alive again and not the walking dead.


lil-miss-saunders - March 7

Hey V, im very sorry for your loss! You ARE NOT a freak! Of course other people are going to get over it quicker than you because they didnt become attached to that baby like you did! Ive suffered two miscarriages, one was in March 2005, the other in August 06! I still think about my babies every day, i still cry about losing them and never being able to get them back and i dont think that feeling is ever going to go away! Dont rush yourself about trying to feel better about what you have just been through, take your time, mourn over your child! Its only natural! Rushing yourself will only make things worse! You will feel terrible at this point in your life .... but trust me .... things do get better! I always found that finding someone to talk to about it made things soooo much better! I would cry my eyes out but once id had a good cry, it seemed to help me! One last thing, never ever think that you caused the loss of your child, it is NEVER your fault! You cannot blame yourself! I wish you all the luck in the world for the future! Stay strong! x


sososleepy - March 7

V, it's been a week. Give yourself time! For me it's been over a month, and I had another good angry cry this past weekend (after my very own mother pointed out a family and said oh look at how cute those two little kids are, and she's pregnant). What possessed her to point that out to me NOW I will absolutely never understand!!!! Yes, everyone around us gets over it and forgets long before we begin to deal with the loss and pain. Pa__sing on silently in your sleep is not an answer, and if you feel like that too often consider having a chat with your doc about postpartum depression. This is not the time to make life changing decisions!!! It's much worse than getting a tattoo when you're drunk, because that you wake up from and live to regret, but pa__sing on in your sleep is rather permanent, and although it may not seem like it now, you WILL feel like the walking living again and you have lots of life left and many things to enjoy over the course of it. No, you did not cause this. It happens; it rots, and you can't changed that it happened. I felt moderately better (slowly cried every other day instead of several times a day...) over the 2nd and 3rd week after, but it still hurts. Today makes 38 days after for me. This past weekend was the first time since that I've managed to spend an entire day without looking up something related to pg/mc and or posting/reading here. It gets better slowly, but it does get better. You're not a freak. If you can't function properly, again the doc can help with that; I did a couple months of anti-depressants once, and it did help me get through a very bad time. I didn't like them because it also seemed to dull the edge of other emotions, so I weaned off rather fast, but they were quite helpful at the time. Yes, they were a crutch, or like a cast on a broken limb that allows it to heal safely and can then be removed. That's not to say those are an answer for you, but if you continue to not function and think about the long sleep I would talk to your doc before making any decisions you can't change after. Big hugs and hang in there! Oh, I did feel moderately better after each good cry... for a while... but the whiles got longer with each one. It will improve, keep that in mind.


Tbwhitney 859 - March 7

Sorry for your loss. I feel the same way. I miscarried just 2 days ago. I hardly get out of the bed, ive been calling into work since i left the doc and they told me and im thinking about taking a leave of absense. It hurts so bad especially since i had a miscarrige before and i got my hopes up this time after i went 8 weeks with out any problems. I dont know if we will get over it. I feel like i wont i just feel like dying right now. Sorry again for your loss.


micorazon - March 7

Hi V, I am so sorry for your loss. You are completely normal and dont second guess that for a second. Most people cant understand the grief you feel when you have a miscarriage because to them it wasnt real but to you it is very real and you have lost your child. When I had my second miscarriage in November I was completely heart broken. I cried for several days straight and was pretty much a shell of mysel for about a month. I think that once I decided that I was going to ttc again the hope of the future started to help me get pa__sed the grief in my past but that miscarriage has forever changed my life. Take your time and grieve the way that you need to. Miscarriages are never your fault so dont blame yourself. I wish you the best of luck.


SaraH - March 7

I don't know if this will help but I wanted to re-post something I put on here last yr when I was going through my last m/c. It pretty much was exactly what I was feeling and going through a month after our last loss and I think it's pretty much what you girls are going through. So maybe it will help reading it and knowing that you're not the only ones, and that what you're feeling is 100% normal. I'm really sorry for your losses. "...I guess I just need to talk and express some of this to others who are/have been here. I have had 2 miscarriages (one at 4+weeks and one at the beginning of the 8th week). The last one occurred exactly a month ago today on March 31st. ...Anyways, while I'm doing alright, the initial hurt has eased, I still feel really sad about it. Most days I'm fine, but my sister-in-law had a baby exactly a week after we lost ours, and some days I have a really hard time seeing my new niece or hearing about all the "baby stuff." Picking up magazines is even hard (have you noticed how many celebrities are pregnant or just had a baby?). I just keep thinking about all of the things I'll never know about -what s_x the baby was, if it had my nose, what color of hair it would have had, etc.-- I go to bed some nights and it just doesn't seem fair. I keep thinking things that sound really dumb like 'my baby(s) will never get to see the rain', and for some reason those things are what really upset me. As I said, most days I'm fine, but sometimes (like this week-end) I am just as sad as I was when it happened (but in a different way than I initially was- the tremendous hurt is gone, but the sadness is still there). I I lost a whole lot of hopes and dreams, and I really feel like I lost my child (which I did). I'm also scared to death that this may happen again next time I get pregnant. I don't feel as if I could handle being one of those people who have numerous miscarriages before having a baby. The thing is no one else seems to understand this stuff. My husband tries so hard, but its just not the same for him -sure he was upset when we lost the baby but it's not the same for him as it is for me.- And excluding my husband, everyone else seems to have completely dismissed the whole occurrence. Very few people gave more than a "oh I'm sorry that's too bad" when they found out that we'd lost the baby, and no one has asked about how I'm doing for the last 3 weeks. Everyone just seams to think that this was a "too bad" occurrence that I should be completely over by now. I just feel so alone and by myself on this issue, like no one understand what it feels like and everyone expects me to be fine. No one seams to realize that to me this was "my baby" that I lost and that no matter how many other children I may have, I can never have back "this baby”;” my baby." Anyways, thanks for letting me vent some. It would be nice to know if anyone else feels or has felt this way. Thanks." As I said I don't know if that helps but I thought I'd share what I was feeling and that was much more "exact" as to my feelings at that time than anything I could have written now. What you girls are describing sounds so much like how I felt...and when I was going through it I really felt like I was alone and the only who felt that way too. Again I'm so sorry that you're having to experience this as it is one of the most painful and difficult things to go through, but know it will get easier and you are not alone in your feelings. HUGS and lots of Prayers ~Sarah


angelgabby84 - March 8

V your are most certainly not a freak!! It has been over three years since I lost my daughter at 24 weeks and I still get very upset at least once a week. The slightest thing like seeing somebody with the same pushchair that i was going to get just makes me so angry and i start to get really upset. I think the worst thing i ever did was not try straight away for another baby and im am finding it sssoooo difficult to concieve again. Things will get much easier for you over time. And even though it seems that people have forgetton, they havent. Its just hard for other people to know what to say to you without thinking thta they are upsetting you. Good luck to you in the future and stay strong x x kristen


V - March 8

Thank you so much to all the brave ladies who have replied to my post. It means a lot to know that people out there don’t think I am fool for grieving. To all women out there that have miscarried I want to say… my heart is with you. I think I am lucky because although I have lost many babies during the first trimester (7 to be exact) and now it’s two during the second trimester, I am blessed to have 3 healthy children. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a baby when you don’t have a child depending on you to stay strong. I have had to smile with my kids when I have felt like dying, because trying to explain to a five, two and three year old about a miscarriage is too far out there. They give me a reason to get out of bed. Just to stop any concern my post may have caused, I am not going to take my own life. I have been having many a thought about it but please be rea__sured it won’t happen. In the middle of the night I lie in bed listening to my husband snore and just can’t understand why so much bad stuff happens and wish that my baby could have lived even if that meant I died. I think that having no support from my doctors has made this also a lot worse. For those who have not read my other post(pregnant with tubes tied) it may come as a shock that there are actually doctors out there that put their research in front of patient care. I was ridiculed because my husband and I buried our baby instead of taking him to be examined. Our baby was 10 cms long. He WAS a baby and he had a right to be buried by his parents. Any one know a good doctor.... I am in need of one. We want to try and conceive again but cannot afford the operation to have my tubes repaired. My biggest fear now it that I will fall pregnant and miscarry again because my tubes are damaged. I am still not coping properly, I haven’t done house work since and have lost quite a bit of weight. I cry when I laugh because I feel so guilty. My friends don’t recognize me because I have stopped wearing makeup and can’t remember when I last brushed my hair. But it's a large improvement on what I was like and you guys are what helped me. I apologise about the length of this post I wanted it to be a thank you but now it’s all about me again, I am sorry. I will stop going on about myself now but I would like to say how grateful I am again. It means so much to me that I have had responses, it means I am not alone and that someone cares. I hope I can rea__sure you guys when you need it like you have with me. With love V xxxx


wantanotheraftertr - March 8

V I am going thru the same thing right now. I can't believe how much it hurts! I am 5 weeks and I haven't started to bleed yet but RE has told me to expect it soon. I am glad to know I am not alone in feeling so badly. Did you know before that it was going to happen or just when you started to bleed? I know whats happening and I just want it to be done! It hurts so much to still be carrying a child that I know will not make it! How do you move on from here? I have what and bought opk and hpt and refilled my clomid but I think I am trying to mask my own grief. I cry all the time when I am not at work or with someone. I had a TR so I have worked for this I Hope you can concieve again with out the surgery I like you feel how can it not have been ment to be. I don't understand why God would allow one to become pg if he knows its not going to make it. I am very angry right now and know that is part of the process but I am so glad I am not alone and that mourning a child taken by mc is natural.


sososleepy - March 8

Tbwhitney - everything I said in my answer above your post.... Hang in there and hugs for you too! V , I have 2, and yes, having them made it easier to get through it for me as well. I'm glad to hear you say that yours need you! I don't know if this will help, or if it belongs on our 'List of things not to say post' by linds99 back in 2/21/07 but here goes. After I mc, I did a lot of research on why we do. I'm 38, so my eggs are older and I have a much higher chance of chromosome problems than I did a decade or so ago. I try to think of my mc as nature being merciful to a child who had no chance, before it's old enough to feel and/or understand the pain. If we had died leaving a child that would have died anyway, what's the point? Anyway, that's just what worked for me to wrap my head around what happened and take the edge off of the pain some. I don't know if it will work for you at all. Doctors... there's a hot topic. Mine's a guy. He's a very good doctor. I know lots of people who use him, have for years, and trust him completely. His empathy is frequently either hidden or lacking, and we (several of us who use him have discussed it at length) think that part of it is that he needs to be faster with his patients than he or we would like (gotta make a living and pay that insurance), and part of it is that he does not want to get involved much therapy type talk, he just wants to do his job and run, partly because when things have gone wrong that he can't fix it hurts him too. If I ever have time at the end of my list of questions on a visit, I'm going to ask what his take on all that really is. What part of the world are you in, because if I recommend my doc here in south east FL, and you're hundreds of miles or half a world away, it won't do you much good... Yeah, my housework is still lagging, but I think I went the other way with weight. I didn't want to eat for a week or so, but I'm afraid I made up for that by eating too much after. Please don't feel guilty when you laugh. You didn't do anything wrong! You deserve to laugh and live and your kids need the sweet sound of mamma's laughter too, and they can tell when it's real. Makeup... can't say I bother with that most of the time, but go grab a brush and fix that part now - you'll feel better. There is no need to apologize about the length of your post - that's what we're all here for. We need to express our feelings to people who have some clue about what we're going through when no one else in our world does. It helps - a lot. Talk all you want to. It's fluid here; different people answer at different times, but we're really all helping each other in a way you rarely see in person. So you're not alone, not at all, and lots of us care. Have you brushed your hair yet? Hugs.


Belief - March 8

V-I am so sorry for you loss. My heart goes out to you and all the other women on this thread who have lost a baby due to a m/c. I, too, had a m/c and crying seemed like the only normal thing to do. Lil-miss is right, take your time and grieve. YOu are supposed to mourn the loss. That is natural to do. After my D&C, my husband dropped me off at our front door and said my "later." He wasnt' trying to be insensitive to me, but he did not have a bond like I had. To him, it was real, but I cried for a solid 4-5 weeks, until I got AF showed up. This is when I started to feel "normal" again. the hardest part is seeing everyone around you pregnant and having children. My good friend, whom I work with is due in May, and I was just asked two days ago to help throw her a baby shower. My heart sank and I went home crying b/c I was supposed to be due three weeks after her. Of course, I'm happy for her and I'll suck it up and throw the shower, but nothing will make me forget the loss of my little one who didn't have a fair chance. Please hang in there and don't give up. Cry when you need to cry and vent when you need to vent. And remember that we are hear to help you through this difficult time. (((HUGS)))


HeavenisMine - March 8

My goodness you are certainly not a freak! I recently lost a baby at twelve weeks too! Every now and then I catch myself sobbing endlessly, and I think of him every day. I told my husband sometimes I wish I could have gone with him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't mean we'll get over it like a snap, some people who haven't experienced it directly have no idea how to understand so you have to forgive them. I mourn too, my baby was conceived while I was on my first vacation away from my family, when I was 18, I just recebtly turned 19. and I carried him all around the country with me. My fiance did too, but he just doesn't mourn the way I do. So you are not alone. You are grieving, and you have other women right beside you. God bless you dear heart <3


HeavenisMine - March 8

I meant fiance, not husband, we're not married yet!!


Jenny K. - March 8

Hi V! I am so sorry for your loss. You are not a freak! The reason that your friends and family got over it and you haven't is because that baby was growing inside you! I had a m/c at 8 weeks last May, 2006. It was one of the hardest things I have had to go through. We found out when we went in for our 1st u/s and they couldn't find the h/b. Me and my dh were completely devastated. It was going to be my first and dh second. I still cry over the baby I lost today and wonder "why me" when I see all these other people having healthy pregnancies. I will tell you the only thing that has helped me is time. When it first happened all I could do is cry for the first 2-3 weeks. I would cry when I woke up and realized it wasn't a dream and when I went to sleep, when I saw other pregnant people. My dh and family helped out tremedously. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck, Jenny


DownbutnotOUT - March 9

It is normal to fele upset over the loss of your baby and it is the worst thing a woman has to go through. I had a missed m/c in May 2006 and I still cry and have difficulty some days and luckily i have my mother to turn too. My mother suffered the loss of "vanishing twin" when she was preggers with my little brother at about 8 weeks, it has been over 30 years and it still effects her. I think its normal for a mother to always remember that little angel(s) that grew there wings early and always have that spot in there heart, a cry at any time is healthy. It took about 1-2 months before I could go out in socitey without breaking down, I couldnt even shop. I got preggers with a sticky bean in Septmeber and I remember sitting in the OBGYN's office in Novemeber and seeing all these pregnant women and getting JEALOUS!!! yes jealous crazy I know but I missed my wee one so much and even being pregnant I wanted the other wee one as well. It took me about 4-6 months to be able to look at other very pregnant women without feeling sad or jealous. I hated thinking "that's suppose to be me" it was very hard but I feel so blessed to have this wee one in my tummy now and do believe that there is always light in the dark. take care


DownbutnotOUT - March 9

I exagerated there it hasent been over 30 years it has been about 25-26 years, I thought I would make sure I got the record straight



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