Baby Loss At 22 Weeks What Should Friends Do

5 Replies
ksofio - January 16

My friend just lost a baby at 22 weeks. It was her first pregnancy and a horrific loss, delivered at home. Can you guys give me some advice on what, as a friend, I can do for her? I don't want to make her more sad, but want her to know we love her and are there for her. Should I just send a card? Please help, I don't want to make her feel any worse but want her to know I am there for her.

 

ChattyKathy - January 16

Sweetheart, she is already feeling terrible. I think reaching out to her would be something much needed right about now. There will be times when she doesn't want to talk about it, when she doesn't want to be around people, even for a LONG time after this loss... but its good for her to know that she has people willing to listen if she ever wants to talk. Let her know you care, offer to do things for her (if you can think of anything she needs done) But just a tip... don't try to say anything to make her feel better. (Like, her baby is in heaven now, it just wasnt meant to be, etc) It usually comes across not how you intended it and she might even resent the words. Just let her know you are sorry and want to be there for her. You're being a good friend. She needs that right now.

 

rl- - January 16

well I think you should get a card for her but give it to her in person and just let her know you are there for her if she feels like talking just be honest with her and let her know you care and you just are not sure what to say and let her know if she wants to cry to go right on ahead or if she does not even want to talk about it that is fine too the main thing is to just be there!!

 

kiza - January 17

I have had 2 losses after 20 weeks, and honestly there is nothing you can say to make her feel better. Just let her know you are there for her and be honest, tell her you don't know what to say. One of the hardest things I found was knowing people were uncomfortable being around me cause they didn't know how to handle the situation. Most people tended to act like nothing had happened and this was the worst thing, cause I felt like no-one acknowledged the birth or death of my 2 babies. I wanted people to feel my hurt, know that I had to endure labour and give birth. Perhaps write her a letter, sometimes it is easier to write feelings down than actually saying them. When she is ready she will talk about what has happened. After some time, you come out of the inital fuzz, and that's when you need your friends, ask if you can help in any way with making a memory box for her little lost one. It may hurt now, but I often look back at my 2 and their photo's, and hand and foot prints. I talk about them as part of the family all the time, and I still see people look away from me when I do that. This is one of the most devastating things a woman has to go through,and I think you sound like a fantastic friend for caring enough to even ask the question in the first place. Perhaps tell her about this site if she doesn't already know, the women on here were my saviours. Good luck to you and your friend and I hope all works out well for you both. Take care. Kiza xxxxxxxx

 

cindernar - January 17

Kiza, I 100 percent agree with everything you just wrote! I too lost two babies from birth defects, one at 22 weeks and one at 14 weeks. I used to get so angry that so-called "friends" dropped off the face of the earth the minute they found out I lost my babies. Ksofio, the best thing you can do is be sure to call and check up on her on a regular basis. She may not want to talk about it, and that's fine. But just caring enough to check on her will mean the world to her. She may not even realize it now, but she will remember who stuck by her and who didn't. It's been 5 years for me, and I'm ashamed to say I still hold a grudge for a "dear" friend who didn't bother to call or write or anything. Also, one of my sister's friends brought me a giant pan of lasagna after I lost my first. That was so considerate of her because the last thing I wanted to do was cook or clean. That was probably the nicest thing anyone could've done. I'm glad your friend has you in her life! If she's anything like I was, there was nothing anyone could've said that would've made things any better. Just being there might be enough.

 

ksofio - January 17

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and tell your stories. I really appreciate the advice and will use it well.

 

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