Does Anyone Else Feel Somewhat Alone In All This

11 Replies
SaraH - April 30

Hi everyone, I guess I just need to talk and express some of this to others who are/have been here. I have had 2 miscarriages (one at 4+weeks and one at the beginning of the 8th week). The last one occurred exactly a month ago today on March 31, and was much harder than the 1st one because I was so much further along. Anyways, while I'm doing alright, the initial hurt has eased, I still feel really sad about it. Most days I'm fine, but my sister-in-law had a baby exactly a week after we lost ours, and some days I have a really hard time seeing my new niece or hearing about all the "baby stuff." Picking up magazines is even hard (have you noticed how many celebrities are pregnant or just had a baby?). I just keep thinking about all of the things I'll never know about -what s_x the baby was, if it had my nose, what color of hair it would have had, etc.-- I go to bed some nights and it just doesn't seem fair. I keep thinking things that sound really dumb like 'my baby(s) will never get to see the rain', and for some reason those things are what really upset me. As I said, most days I'm fine, but sometimes (like this week-end) I am just as sad as I was when it happened (but in a different way than I initially was- the tremendous hurt is gone, but the sadness is still there). I feel, especially with the last miscarriage, like I lost a whole lot of hopes and dreams, and I really feel like I lost my child (which I did). I'm also scared to death that this may happen again next time I get pregnant. I don't feel as if I could handle being one of those people who have numerious miscarages before having a baby. The thing is no one else seems to understand this stuff. My husband tries so hard, but its just not the same for him -sure he was upset when we lost the baby but it's not the same for him as it is for me.- And excluding my husband, everyone else seems to have completely dismissed the whole occurrence. Very few people gave more than a "oh I'm sorry that's too bad" when they found out that we'd lost the baby, and no one has asked about how I'm doing for the last 3 weeks. Everyone just seams to think that this was a "too bad" occurrence that I should be completely over by now. I just feel so alone and by myself on this issue, like no one understand what it feels like and everyone expects me to be fine. No one seams to realize that to me this was "my baby" that I lost and that no matter how many other children I may have, I can never have back "this baby”;” my baby." Anyways, thanks for letting me vent some. It would be nice to know if anyone else feels or has felt this way. Thanks.


squeakytoy - April 30

OH honey! I am going thru the same. I got a text message that my cousin is expecting. we have only 1 baby btwn 7 kids (sibs + cousins) and my family (3 girls) is childless. The only baby is with my cousin's fam. Now they get another! Hey! not FAIR, eh? I felt pretty bad about the jealousy. I love babies and kids (mostly, not always) and I don't feel bad when I see them...maybe just a mommy pang. But the pregnancy thing. That's the problem with us, here. When other people are having a successful pregnancy, it makes us especially jealous. I'm not sure why. I felt a little bad when my downstairs neighbor (we share a 2-family house) brought home a baby right on my 1st expected due date in January. It just feels kind of lousy. You will be OK though. This is the truth. Even if you never have a baby, you will not hate those who do have babies nor will you have a lost and lonely life. It's really a shock and a disappointment, but life is so much more than parenthood. Take it from me. I've had 3 mc's now, and I'm considering quitting trying because I'm 38. Maybe ONE more time and then that's it. I hope I've helped some...((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) squeakytoy


JuJu - May 1

Dear Sara; your post is so eloquent- but so sad....I am so sorry you have had to go through 2 m/c's. I have also had 2; both this year. The whole experience has literally sent me reeling. I am fortunate to have an 18 month old DD, and she is so wonderful - but it doesn't really take away the pain of losing my babies this year. I absolutely understand what you're saying about feeling so alone (despite being surrounded by others). Miscarriage is a tragic, isolating experience which most people can and will never understand. It's so difficult for even our partners to understand the depth of our grief - principally because the connection between a mother and her unborn child is so significant. It can;t be put into words. My DH has been supportive, but at the end of the day I relaise that our 2 pregnancies were more of a 'concept' to him. I also get very frustrated when people tell me that I need to move on!! A week or so after my 2nd m/c, I told my DH how difficult 'moving on' is - when for me the world completely stopped when I saw my perfect little baby on u/s - but with no heartbeat. That moment is frozen in time for me, forever. And in the weeks after my m/c, when everyone else's lives just moved on - I felt so alone. When a friend asked how I was going, out of pride I said "OK" and she just moved on to new conversation. But really, I was desperate for her to see through my false bravado, and to just give me a big hug and tell me it's ok. Now, 6+ weeks down the track, I am feeling much better - still have the odd 'bad' day Like today!!), but I am keen to beat the odds and have another baby. I totally empathise with other women who chose not to have a baby after suffering multiple m/c, but I am determined to keep plodding on - I only have to look at my DD to be re-inspired!! So whilst I still have some fight in me - it's back to the warzone! I am also totally, totally terrifed of having another m/c - and honestly; I don't know how I will cope if it happens to me again. One thing that's in our favour is this forum - I found it just after my first m/c, and have visited ever since. I don't feel so alone when I am surrounded by you girls! {{{HUGS}}}


karen goode - May 1

You came to the right place. You are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. After my first mc everyone around me put a time table on my grief. My father is stated "You need to get over it." My husband even told me that he did. I felt so alone and angry at everyone and then I found this board. It has so helped me. I will be sad about my babies until the day I die. It might not hurt everyday like the initial shock of getting the bad news but my heart will always ache. I also felt and still do sometimes that I lost my hopes and dreams. I try to snap myself out of that thinking by reminding myself that it could still happen for us. Did you go to a specialist to find out why you are miscarrying? I go to mine on May 8th. I know what you are going through. People just don't get it they think just b/c I can conceive I'm "lucky." I know that i am in that regard but still it's like a tease. I wish you all the best. We will be your support system.


SaraH - May 4

Thanks a ton for the suport. Sometimes you really need to hear that your not the only one going through these things. I've been doing pretty good this week Saturday and Sunday were just bad days. As I'm sure there will be other "bad days" in the future it is good to know that there are people on here who can related and are there for support. Thanks again you. When I initually read your posts it made me feel so much better, just knowing there are some people out there who know what I'm going through and that I'm not crazy to still be sad about the babies. I hope all will work out for you guys. Thanks for the hugs. ~Sarah


Morrison1 - May 4

Hi Sara - I am so very sorry for your losses and I can very much relate to you. I have also had two m/c this year...both just shy of the 6w mark, and I still do know know what the cause it. I have many other pregnant people around me and one of my close friends just gave birth to her second baby girl yesterday. It really threw me for a loop. I have found that NO one seems to understand...they so easily brush the situation off with the "I am so sorry. You'll have babies, it will be fine" kind of att_tude. What they don't understand is that we wanted THOSE babies. Those babies we will never see, who will never see us, who will never see rain and all the other wonderful things that life has to offer. I am a pretty strong person, and find I can put up quite a front, but like JuJu...I keep thinking that someone will see through it and really try to understand my pain and loss. Even the close friends that I HOPE will get it, don't. One friend has tried to empathyze by telling me she can relate because she has bad periods. I am speechless each time. I think my front has a lot to do with trying to protect myself from the things people might say (even if they are trying to be supportive, they sometimes don't know how much their dismissive comments might hurt)...but inside...I am defintely raw. Very raw. And have horrible days (my 2nd m/c was just last week)...but I sometimes think that wound will never heal right, if you know what I mean. This board has saved me. It is truly the only place where I have found peace and understanding that I can't find elsewhere. Keep talking and sharing will make all the difference. {{{hugs}}}.


nikki73 - May 4

Hi! I am so sorry for your losses. I just recently had my first m/c and I know how you feel. It is very hard because unless you've been through it, you have no idea what it feels like. I was so excited to see a pos HPT....jumping up and down to then finding out that there is no baby. It really takes you on an emotional roller coaster! So many emotions in such a short amount of time. People try to understand but they need to realize that it very hard to go through and that they need to be more sympathetic. I hated the comments that people made to me at first like "At least you are able to get pregnant", or "You'll be able to have another baby". One of those comments coming from my pregnant sister in law. I lost a pregnancy, a baby. I dealt with this for over a levels not going down to 0. I think that my husbands family (in laws) totally forgot that it even happened to me. I bring it up to them because I don't feel like they care enough to ask me how I am. It hurts. My husband tries to understand but I guess it is hard for him. He is very supportive though. You are not alone on this issue. I just read all of the posts on here during the day to see that I am not alone. I don't post to much because I do feel like I am lost in here with all of the abbreviations and everything else. But I did notice that what I did post made me feel a little better. Knowing that someone is responding and taking the time to make me feel better.


Morrison1 - May 4

Nikki...I am very sorry for your loss. Just so you know...we were all lost (at least I was) with abbreviations and things...don't hesistate to ask...I will write some in case you check back: DH - Dear/Darling husband; AF - AuntFlow/Period; BFP/BFN - Big Fat Positive/Negative; O - Ovulate; BD - Baby Dance (making the babies); TTC - Trying to Conceive; DD/DS - Darling/Dear Daughter/Son; CM - Cervial mucous; CP - cervical position...oh, now I have stumped myself...but don't be afraid to pop in and ask...anyone any thread.


ksmom - May 4

Hey Nikki, I got a response from Suebee and she gave me a website with ALL the abbreviations!! Here it is....take a look It helps ALOT!! Take care and good luck.......hugs


JuJu - May 6

Hey saraH, how are you going? Hope you are ok; feeling better about things. It's been almost 2 months since my last m/c, and although things are definitely easier than in the early weeks - I still have 'down' days occasionally......and when they come it's so hard to bounce back! My last difficult day was triggered by finding out that one of my very good friends had just given birth - which is great except that she hadn't told me she was even pregnant!! (she lives interstate, so I didn't see her in person during this time). It really hurt, especially as her DS and my DD were born a day apart (now both 18 months old). I was back to my old self within a day - although getting there was hard work! Morrison1; how are you going? Your 2nd m/c is so recent; hope you are taking it easy. I can't believe your friend and her comment about bad period pain equating to m/c pain and suffering - clearly she has never had a m/c!!! I wouldn't wish an m/c on anyone, but if she is unfortunately in our position one day - perhaps then she will see how foolish her words are. I realise that she is probably trying to empathise with you, but by being so flippant she is actually doing the opposite, and disrespecting your experience. After my 2 m/c's I had a few well-meaning people make the supposedly rea__suring comment about miscarriage being 'nature's way' of weeding out the abnormal babies - but it just upset me more - especially because in both cases there was nothing wrong with my babies - it was a condition I have that caused the pregnancies to end. Regardless of why a pregnancy ends, it is painful - and people who haven't experienced a m/c personally just can't fathom our pain. I think that's why m/c is such a lonely pain - because our babies never actually existed on the 'outside' to most people they are just a concept. But to us, they are our angels, lost but never forgotten. opps, nearly triggered a teary moment for myself - the grief is never far from the surface, is it? big hugs to all, XXOO


SaraH - May 10

Thank you all for the support. I'm sorry that all of you have also been/are in the same boat as I am. While, as JuJu said, “I’d never wish this on any one," it is comforting to know that I am not the only one experiencing this. JuJu, I am doing better this week than I was last. While I have my ups and downs, overall I'm doing pretty good; the last couple of days I've been feeling like my normal self. Thank you so much for asking. Nikki and Morrison (and everyone else) I hope you’re doing okay. Hugs and prayers ~Sarah


jpowel - May 10

Sarah, All the emotions you shared with us about your miscarriages were like reading the words from my heart. My DH and I experienced our first missed m/c a week ago with our first baby (8weeks) We've been married five months and although planned on waiting a litte while, were more than ecstatic with this news. We were and always will be in love with this little baby. Even after my short and painless D&C, I feel even more hollow inside and not quite ready to get on with the process of healing emotionally. It's just too tiring trying to justify why you should feel better. I've quit fighting it and have decided to take as long as needed to grieve. I know it will get easier. It actually does band-aids of good to hear stories of sisterhood through this. I suppose it's something people try to understand, but can't as well as women who have experienced this pain. It's really like someone pulls the rug right from under you. I'm at home resting and just wanted to wish you and all the ladies and their husbands all the blessings in the world and the strength for whatever lies ahead ...Hope and love are powerful things. Love and Hugs.



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