Getting Through M C

5 Replies
joyita - June 19

h__lo, my name is paola and I came here looking for support. as I was reading your stories u made me feel this was a great place to share mine. I'm 18 and found out I was pregnant on mother's day. by that time I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. my husband and I thought about every option that we had, and finally decided to keep the child. just to make sure that we were pregnant, we bought 5 home test... they were all positive. as time passed by we became the most proud parents-to-be in the world, telling everybody about our little angel was coming. at first my mom told me to get an abortion but I just wouldn't do it. I cried over that many times, until finally, she understood. thank god, neither my dad or his mom weren't mad, and they gave us all the support we needed. we felt we were touching heaven with our hands and that this baby was going to bring happiness not only to us as a couple, but also to the whole family. everybody was happy for us. at times, I was the most happy mom-to-be and some other days I would spend my day thinking about our future and all the changes I was going to have to do in my life so I could offer my baby the best that I could. he (cause I just knew it was a boy) was first in every thought and plans in our future. I was 10 weeks pregnant when we went to our first prenatal visit to the doctor. after a pelvic exam and some blood work, the doctor told us everything was just fine and for me to stop worrying. (cause I went with a list of a bunch of questions... is this normal? is this safe?) so we scheduled and ultrasound for the next week. we were so excited, we were going to meet our baby in just a week!! that day took forever to come. I went to the room with my husband and my mother in law. while the doctor was performing the test, he asked me if I had bleed. I said no and start to worry. I asked him why, we he wouldn't say anything. we couldn't hear any heartbeat. he finished and finally started talking. there was just an empty sac in my uterus. he couldn't see my baby!!! I never heard of such thing, so in the middle of my tears I managed to asked him why so he explained there were two causes, either I miscalculated the date of conception and the baby is smaller than what we thought, or I was pregnant with an abnormal embryo that never developed. my heart crushed that day in his office, and the fact that the doctor wasn't sensitive at all made it worst. he scheduled another u/s in two weeks, but my hopes were very low. my husband was devastated too, and it broke my heart hearing him say that he lost what he loved the most and his reason to become a better person (he started to get his g.e.d. so he could go to college and offer something good for our baby) my mother-in-law told us that we have to wait, because the doctor said we still had a chance to see the baby in two weeks. I couldn't think about anything else for that day, and keep asking why life had to be SO unfair with us, that wanted that baby with every inch of our heart. I cried myself to sleep that night. next morning, I woke up, went to pee, and when I wiped, I found blood on the paper, I wanted to die in that moment from the heartache. I called my husband and he come right away from work. I was just spotting, not enough to stain my undies, but I was scared anyway. after calling my mom we head to the ER where they did more blood work and a pelvic and va___al ultrasounds. the doctor that did my pelvic exam told me I wasn't bleeding anymore, and that it was a good sign, but when the ultrasounds results came in, there were no good news. they show only an empty sac (again) and the measurements were 6 weeks pregnant and no 11 as I thought I had. they found no sac yolk, no placenta... no heartbeat, and I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. my hcg levels were at 21000 which I don't know if they're good or bad. that day, all my hopes vanished from my heart, as I listen to the doctor saying I was going to miscarry any moment. that was on Friday... today is monday and nothing happened yet, just a a brown mucus-like when I wipe. there haven't been a day I haven't cry. I'm still trying to understand what happened, why god wouldn't let my baby to born. my parents tell me He knows what he does, and that maybe we weren't ready to raise a child... but I don't believe that. it's a horrible thing to have to expect miscarriage at any moment. and I feel like a horrible person, because I don't feel happy about friend's pregnancies. my brother just had his baby and I couldn't show any excitement. but well,. as someone told me, my baby is a little angel, he knows I love him to death, and he's going to wait in baby's heaven for me. just wanted to share my story and I hope I didn't bored u to tears... I'll be seeing u around... -Paola

 

littleangel - June 19

hi Paola, i am very sorry to hear about your loss, it is a very upsetting thing to go thourgh esp as your only 18 yrs old, if you dont start to mis-carry on your own soon you will have to go back to the docs and they will do a d&c to remove the sac etc. it is normal to feel like this torwards other people whom have babys or are pregnant, it will get better i promise please dont feel horrible about your self its not your fault. i blamed my self for the loss of my baby girl at 22wks on 11/01/06, all i could say was its my fault i should not have done this or done that but i then found out after the did some tests i have a blood cloting disorder and which caused the placenta to die as this did not prduce enough oxygen to her, so i truly now how you are felling, just take one day at a time.i hope you and your husband and family can get through this sad time, and if you ever need to talk or need to cry just post what you are felling, all the woman on here are brilliant and so help full as they have been through it too so we understand. take care of your self, :) jo xxx ((((((hugs)))))

 

SaraH - June 19

paola. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Reading your story made me cry. You are not alone. I have had 2 m/c one was a chemical pregnancy (it never implanted and my AF (period) wasn't late at all) and the second one was at the beginning of the 8th week. The second one was the hardest. I too found out that the sac/baby was to small for my dates and while I didn't have to wait to m/c (I ended up miscarrying the night I had the u/s), the doc. had told me that I might have to wait a few weeks to m/c. I'm sorry that you’re now waiting for the awfulness to occur. I know how terrible it felt to know I might have to wait for it to occur and just wanting it to happen if it had too so that I could move on from it. The sadness, the pain of it is all so normal, so let yourself grieve. I cried for the majority of the 1st week and I still have days were I break down (and my last m/c occurred the last day of March so it's been 2 and a half months). But it does get easier. You wont always feel like crying and you wont always have troubles enjoying others babies and pregnancies. Right now though, it's normal, so don't feel like a horrible person. I also had trouble being excited and happy about others babies (my brother and sister-in-law had their baby exactly a week after we lost ours) and I've heard many other women on here say the same thing about the pain and jealousy they felt when someone else had a child or found out they were expecting. It doesn't make you an awful person, it makes you normal. It's not that someone else having a baby is such an awful thing it's that it's just a terrible reminder of how much you've just lost, and you can’t be expected to be excited about something that reminds you of your pain. I'm so proud of you and your husband for wanting to keep the baby and make a better life for your selves and the child and I'd encourage you both to continue on with those plans. This baby may not benefit from it but you and your future children will. Miscarriage is hard and it is one of the worst things I have ever had to go through, but you will get through it. You said that your parents told you that God knows what He is doing and that is so true honey. I know it's of little comfort now but at some point it maybe. I too questioned how a God who is supposed to love me and love my baby could do this. Why He allows others who can’t take care of their children to have them but did let me and my DH (darling husband) have the two we lost. But you know what...God does love you and He does love your baby. And while I still don't understand why He allowed me to loose my children, it is a comfort now knowing that He does care and that He is in control. And you know what? Even though I will never know my two babies here on this earth, I am still their parent and for some reason, even though I was never meant to influence and care for these children, I was meant to be their mother. And you and your husband were meant to be this child’s parents. You said you love him to death and he is in heaven and I believe you are right. There is now a soul that without you would not exist; a soul that God chose to make you the parents of. And for me that knowledge that there are two little souls in heaven right now that would not exist with out me, makes me not regret being pregnant even if I did loose them, although I wish to God and still don't understand why. I am so thankful everyday that for some reason God chose me as their mother. Just like for some reason He chose you. Anyways, I don't know if any of that helps right now -I don't think anything would have really helped me during those first few awful days- but eventually it will become easier and the small things like the fact that you got to be your babies mother may help. Hang in their honey. You’re in my prayers and I wish so badly that I could give you a great big hug right now. HUGS

 

lisa z - June 19

paola-I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. SaraH really said everything so beautifully, I don't know what else I could add, other than support for you. Sometimes it helps just to know there are others out here who understand what you are going through. You are so young to e going through this and I am happy to hear that you have a support system. As SaraH said, it is hard now but it does get better. I agree however, that if you do not start to mc naturally you should see your Dr. to have a D&C. Unpleasant but better in the long run. Good luck to you. I wish all the best to you and your husband.

 

madc__k - June 20

Paola, your story is very touching. You seem very insightful for only being 18. You story is a lot like mine. I am glad you shared yours. Do not think for one instant that God would give you a child and then take it away because you were too young. I do think that you will see your baby in heaven one day, just like I will see my baby girl in heaven too. I will now tell my story because I have been trying to talk to someone, anyone that could understand what I am going through. There seemed to be no one, not even my husband; until I read these stories of all these women out there in the world with their stories. Well, I am 25 married for two years. I worked with three other women that were also married and just starting their family. Well they all got pregnant right off the bat. Good for them, I then decided okay I guess there is no good time, I might as well try too. Well it wasn't as easy as I thought, it took us around 6-7 months. By that time the other girls were alreay getting ready to have their babies. Then, it happed. We were pregnant. It was the moment i had waited for for so long. Everything was great, I even told my boss I wasn't coming back to work, etc. Then, when I went in the the u/s at 10 weeks 5 days, we discovered no heart beat. The baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. I could see it's little legs and arms...I could not believe it. ME? why did this happen to me? The options were wait for a few weeks to see if my body pa__sed it on its own, or go in for a d&c that day. I could not believe it, I had waited so long to meet my little baby and within a matter of hours I would no longer even have a baby. It was terrible. This happened the Friday before Mother's day. So, here I was waiting to depart with my baby in the hospital as other people walked by saying, "Happy Mother's Day." I just cryed and cryed. I still cry. My brother too is having a baby with his girlfriend, along with what seems to be everyone else around me. I just try and be happy for them when I am dieing inside.

 

BIG RED - June 22

Hi Paola your story was touching it took alot of courage to say what you did. I felt the same way towards pregnant women and other babies. My cousin and his wife just had there son when I m/c they invited me to the baby shower and I couldn't even go. I have not yet been able to hold there son. For weeks after my m/c I had a very hard time going into stores every where I looked there were little babies and I was so hurt that I would not ever be able to hold mine. It is getting easier though I still have not moved on and still strugle day by day but this forum is so helpful and supportive I have only been her the last couple of days but it has been wonderful reading all the stories and it really helped me to tell my story. my thoughts and prayers are with you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

 

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