How To Get Over Hurtful Comments After M C PART 2

47 Replies
Alison - August 27

K started this post in July here is her original msg: "I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks 7 weeks ago. I was devastated b/c the baby meant the world to me. People that are supposedly close to me have said such hurtful comments that have made me feel such hate and disgust for them. How can I learn to forgive them b/c I can't go on hating them? Has anybody else experienced this? " Many ladies have posted so it was getting awfully long! Veronica, Kim, Crisy, Karla, Pam, Cabbie, Kellie, Kea, "hi", Q, Shannon, Tara, Elyse, Lily, Elle, Samantha, Jes, Tess, D, Steph, Ranae, Val, Mrs P, Erin, Susie, Jessica Lynn, Mrs Halvie, Gab, Jen. (think that is everyone!) Lots of brave ladies coping not only with the loss of their precious babies but the insensitive, careless and somtimes harsh comments from others. If you need to share with others about your experience of this and get some support and friendship to help you with it this is the post for you! xxx


KimD3 - August 27

My mc was July 22, 2005 and there was many comments. My my baby was 6weeks when we lost him/her,( I call my baby my Little Angel). I have spoken with many woman who have had mc in my family and friends but the worst comment to me was from my best friend. She first said " Oh you and my husband have no problem in having another" meaning just because we have two littl egrls already,that hurt me.Then she keeps asking meif the baby was a surprise? Does it matter? Planned or not a baby is a gift and that hur the most. Then she keeps asking me if we are going to have another one. I didn't tell her that I might be pregnant again. She has proved to me that she has no feelings. I guess I can forgive but I think it will take time. Thank you for letting me vent. Kim


M.B. - August 30

Hi everyone. I have read all the comments on the other tread and yours KimD3, and seriously cannot believe the lack of compa__sion some people posess! I had a missed m/c five months ago when I was 12 weeks prg. I had no signs that things were wrong (no spotting etc) and had heard the heartbeat and seen the baby at a scan at week 10, but for some reason the baby's heart stopped beating. We found out at the second scan and I have never felt such pain in my entire life. The nurse was not helpful at all, she just said: "These things happen," and I had to wait several days for the D&C... The thought of carrying my baby while it was no longer alive was unbearable to me, but my dad helped me out so much by saying that this was still 'a love child' and I should continue to feel proud and carry it with love until I had the D&C. It helped me and my husband a lot and we both talked to the baby and said our goodbyes up until the moment I had the procedure. Now I am pregnant again (7 weeks) and we are over the moon, however, I find the fear of losing again overwhelming..Has anyone else struggled with depression during a pregnancy after a m/c? I am so grateful to be expecting again and don't want to seem unappreciative for this miracle... but I just can't seem to shake off the hurt from my m/c and feel immobilised from fear. I feel like I'm going crazy and am tearing up inside with guilt for feeling depressed during this magical time. I am scared that if I give in 100% to the pregnancy, then my world is going to collapse again 100% if I miscarry. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and can't recognise myself or the fear that's surrounding me. I am also finding that it seems people now expect me to be over the m/c... No one has asked if I'm feeling nervous about this pregnancy after what happened? They just a__sume that all is great now. If I express that I am scared, they all say (with the best intentions I know) that this time everything WILL be ok... But it just makes me angry, because how can they know that!!!!! It makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid! Does that make sense? Like most of you my biggest wish was to get pregnant again after the m/c, now that I am, I am shocked to find how much I am still hurting and how many difficulties I am having trusting that this pregnancy is healthy. Losing a baby makes you realise just how precious and incredibly fragile new life is, and the miracolous process of making a baby now seems almost unobtainable to me. Every time I see a baby I have to say to myself: "SEE it really IS possible!" I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt/or is feeling similar feelings when expecting again after a m/c? It is really getting me down as I want nothing else but to enjoy this wonderful time in my life without fear of something that is beyond my control anyway. I'm so sorry for the losses all you wonderful women have experienced. I know and understand your pain. All my love xxxxxxxx


KimD3 - August 30

Dear M.B., I'm sorry for your loss of your baby. I also saw the heartbeat, my doctor thought I was 8 weeks and when they did the ultrasound I was only 5weeks and 6sixdays and my husband was there and so were my little girls 4 and 5. Then I went back 2 weeks later and had a nother ultrasound to see the baby again and my doctor would'nt show me the screen and I knew something was wrong. My doctor and nurse were very nice and I had my D&C the next day and the staff at the hospital were wonderful. Everytime I see a baby, I smile and think of how lucky thier parents are but We were also lucky to have been chosen to be parents to our baby even for a little while and I'm lucky to have 2 girls. I will always wonder what this baby would have looked like and what our lives would have been like. I will never forget about my baby and the girls ask about and they say the baby is in heaven with grandma (my mom, who they never met). I'm so happy for you and your husbandon you new pregnancy. I know your scared, I know I would,( I find out friday if I am pregnant) enjoy this gift that you have been given. I will keep you and your baby in thoughts and prayers. Some people won't ask you how you feel because that's thier way off dealing with things. Again Congradulations!!!! Take Care!! KIMD3


Alison - August 30

M.B so much of what you wrote about how you feel about this new pregnancy sounded like I had written it myself! I have had 3 miscarriages and every time I become pregnant again I feel exactly the same way. This last pregnancy I was determined I was going to enjoy the pregnancy and believe it WAS going to be ok-it wasn't sadly when no heartbeat was found at my 10 weeks scan and baby was 2 weeks too small. But I was still glad I enjoyed the pregnancy while it lasted. At the end of the day I knew I would be heartbroken whether I had allowed myself to be excited or not-so I did allow myself to be excited. It is very hard but just take it one day at a time. Set yourself little goals to get to eg appointments/scans. Be kind to yourself, try and keep your mind occupied (I know it's hard!) I am so pleased you are pregnant again and I will pray you continue to have a healthy pregnancy and that as the weeks go by you will be able to enjoy the pregnancy more and more. It will just take time to get past these early weeks. Was your miscarriage your first one? Most women who miscarry have a healthy baby the next time. The majority of miscarriages are "one off" occurances. Even in my situation of having had 3 in a row I have a better chance (all be in not hugely better!) of having a healthy baby rather than another loss. I wish you the very best. I think people don't ask incase they bring back bad memories or they are scared maybe all is not well? I'm not sure maybe they do a__sume once we are pregnant again everything is somehow ok (yeah right!) Sometimes people don't know what do say or do for the best so they say nothing. I know what you mean about having a baby seeming incomprehensible. having had 3 losses I often feel it is some far off dream that somehow seems so easy for others. It shouldn't have to feel like that. Don't feel bad for not being able to enjoy your pregnancy just yet-you will in time. Your feelings are normal and natural. It only shows how very much you care for this baby and want them to be safe and well. I know they will be very loved! Keep us updated on how you are doing-take care & lots if ((HUGS)) xxx


M.B. - August 30

Dear KimD3 & Alison Thank you so much for your supportive messages. It helps a lot to be in touch with people who understand. Yes, it was my first m/c and early on in the pregnancy I was thrilled to find out that I was expecting at the same time as three of my best friends. Within the last two weeks they have all had healthy baby girls. I am of course so happy for them but it is just such a painful reminder of my own loss. Alison, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of going through 3 m/cs. I think the fact that you are using your experiences to help others on this site is a a sign of an incredible inner strength. I have no doubt that you will find a way to overcome the hurt from the inconsiderate comments you have had to listen to along the way. I guess what we all have to remember is that for those people it is just 'a comment', they probably don't even remember saying it.. It is when we repeat it in our own heads that we bring it to life, and by doing that we are really punishing ourselves at a time when we should be looking after ourselves. However, I think that writing the pain of those comments out on a site like this holds extreme healing power. I believe it is a very effective way of releasing the hurt. And it feels great to be pouring it all out to understanding ears!! It means I don't have to worry that I'm making my friends feel awkward by writing them emails they won't know how to respond to! KimD3, I really hope that you have good news on Friday, let us know... I will keep you in my prayers too. I have my first scan on Monday and just really hope that it will provide me some sort of comfort and relief. I have been experiencing some light cramping at night time for the past few weeks... They don't last very long (about 15-20 seconds) and I have a few of them ever evening, do you all think that's just everything stretching making room for the baby? (the pain is very low in my stomach, right in the middle) I am extremely anxious about having the same experience at the scan again and guess that every little twinge makes me paranoid. Only time will tell, hey? I will keep you updated... All my love and a good night hug to everyone out there who needs a warm thought and a friendly comment to balance out the bad ones!!! xxxx


M.B. - August 30

P.S. Alison, are you currently trying to conceive again? or waiting a bit longer? I will be praying that a healthy baby is soon to come your way... Did you name your three little ones? My husband and I called ours Moonbeam and think of our first baby as a little ray of light that lit up our lives for 3 precious months.. I have really thought about what you wrote about deciding to enjoy your last pregnancy, and you are so right. Whether I feel scared or excited is not going to change the outcome of this pregnancy, so I guess living in the moment and being positive is by far the wisest choice! I will try! Don't want to be controlled by fear anymore! xxxx


Alison - August 31

MB you are such a lovely person-I can't wait to hear about your scan and how excited you will be feeling afterwards! I will pray for you I know it is nerve wracking you almost don't want to look a the screen but you can't help it you stare at it before they even start scanning you are so desperate to see your baby safe and well! And I am sure your little one is safe and well. The cramps are probably things "adjusting"! They are not constant or getting worse and worse so that is good. Just short times and quite mild? I would think it is normal stretching sensations. I know it is hard not to worry though-we are aware of every little sensation! I'm sure women who have never had a loss wouldn't even notice half the feelings we notice! Your thoughts on people's comments are very wise. If we hold onto them and go over them in our heads we just upset ourselves and that doesn't help us-though as you say sharing them here is helpful and sort of helps us "put them to rest" in a way and leave them behind us. I like being able to share here as all my friends have had healthy babies (all in the last year or 2 which has been hard! sister in law just gave birth the other day too!) and so they don't understand and would feel awkward if I shared how I really feel just now and the pain of our lost babies. Good for you trying to be positive and excited-it's not easy but it will get easier as the weeks go by. Like I said please don't be hard on yourself or make demands of yourself-feel the way you feel and you'll soon find as things progress you will naturally start to relax and enjoy things more. I wish you every blessing! We are TTC after having been through all the tests at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic (no cause found for our losses) I have AF just now (the 3rd one since the recent loss) and am praying this month will be the one! 16th September it will be a year since my first miscarriage so I would love to become pregnant this month. We will see anyway. We can only do our best and pray when I do conceive it will result in a healthy baby in our arms this time. Moonbeam is a lovely name! How adorable! We had a boy's name and a girl's name picked from when we started TTC but as we didn't know the s_x of our babies we chose unis_x names and are saving the original names for the future! The names we chose for our M/C babies are Toni (means "worthy of praise") Bayle (means "beautiful") and Caelyn (means "loved forever") I think of each of them every day and I still will even when we do have a baby here. Take care and please let us know all about the scan! Kim hope Friday brings you a BFP! Lots of hugs to everyone xxx


Alison - August 31

P.s) I feel we had a girl and 2 boys I don't know why I just have a strong feeling. Does that sound crazy? :o)


*** - September 1

**baby dust*** and love to everyone! ***


M.B. - September 2

Alison, thank you for your warm support. I had my scan today as I just couldn't bear the thought of waiting and worrying over the weekend. Luckily they had a free slot this afternoon so my husband was able to come with me. I was shaking and totally petrified, but everything went great...YAY! The baby measured 7 wk 6days (and I am currently 7wk 5days) and the heartbeat was 150 and looked like a tiny flicker of movement on the screen. We couldn't really make out what was what with the baby, but we still got a picture (something we never got during the first pregnancy!) and we can't stop looking at it :-) :-) Very happy and very far so good :-) I really hope that you have happy news soon. I will pray that this is the month for you. I like the names that you have chosen for you m/c babies, it is lovely that they mean something very beautiful and special. We had Hannah or Marcus picked out for our m/c baby, depending on the s_x, but as we called it moonbeam throughout the pregnancy it just became the name that we now use. It's weird but it doesn't feel right to use the names Hannah or Marcus anymore, like those names belong to our little Moonbeam! Instead we have chosen Maya or Joshua for this baby... I just pray that this time we will actually be able to hold him or her in our arms and call them by their name... I don't think it sounds weird that you had a feeling what s_x your babies might have been. I think a lot of women feel that way... I have a feeling ours was a girl :-) Have a lovely weekend... All my love xxx


M.B. - September 2

p.s. Alison - Forgot to say that I can totally relate to the frustration involved when everyone's having babies around you!! Within the last month, 4 of my friends (3 of them are really close friends) have given birth to healthy, beautiful babies. I am SO happy for them, but it still made me cry a lot, especially because we were all pregnant at the same time, and I too was meant to give birth this month. I don't beat myself up about feeling this way tho, because I know I'm crying for my own loss and not because I don't wish them all the joy in the world. Just know that it is very normal to feel upset, hurt and frustrated when other women have their babies... Their happy experience simply magnify your own loss. Don't feel guilty if it's too hard for you to be around them at the moment. All my love...xxxxxx


crisy - September 7

HI Ladies. KimD3, I am so sorry for the comments that your friend gave you. I agree that she has no feelings. At a time when you need her the most she just hurts you so bad. It makes me sad to hear such a thing. M.B. congratulations for your pregnancy. I am so happy that your scan went well. I pray to God that you will hold your precious little one in your arms. What you are feeling is normal. I would probably be scared to but I agree with Alison. Try to enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible. I know that it's easier said than done. If you are worried we are all here to support you. God bless you and the baby. Alison, how are you? I missed hearing from you. Now that I'm back at work I'll try to check in on lunch and on my break. I read before that your sister in law had her baby. I can only imagine how hard it must be. You amaze me with your kindness and good nature. I think that you are an angel. I hope for you that you will get pregnant this month and I pray that you will get your sweet baby. You are very brave and I am so sorry that this month will be so difficult for you as it will be 1 year since the loss of your first little angel. I am sending you lots of hugs hoping that it will ease some of your pain. I also got my af 3 days ago. I was dissapointed but at least my body is slowly getting back to normal. I tell myself that I have to keep the faith. I hope that I won't be doomed to not have a baby! Sending all of you lots of baby dust and lots of hugs. Take care.


Alison - September 8

MB I am just so pleased your scan went so well that is just wonderful! Baby measuring the right size, good heartbeat! Bless you!!! I am so happy for you! And the new names are just lovely. We have a boy's and girl's name ready too-Grace & Samuel (Sam) I love Maya & Joshua. I believe this time you will be holding them in your arms. You can put a mobile above your baby's crib with the moon and stars on it in honour of Moonbeam I'm sure Maya/Joshua will love it :o) I am so sorry about your friends I totally relate it is very hard and you are right it is only natural as it just emphasises what we have lost. It is not easy at all. All our friends and my sister in law have been having babies while we keep having miscarriages! And with Sister-in-law it is DH's parent's first grandchild-they would have had a grandchild through us if one of our little ones had lived. It's like watching your life as it should have been happening to someone else. I am so pleased for them I love them and wish them every blessing and joy-but it is still heartbreaking. I am just so pleased your little one is well though it is great to hear! Crisy bless you you are always so sweet and say such lovely things! Yes I do pray so much it happens this month and I am dreading next Friday as I know it won't be easy. I saw a picture of sister-in-law's baby boy he is beautiful. I cried I felt so sad to think we would have had one of those in our arms too. But we have to believe it will happen next time. Thank you so much for your kind wishes I wish you the same too-a healthy happy pregnancy and lovely little baby in your arms soon. I pray this AF you just had will be the date you are counting your next pregnancy from. I should ovulate at the weekend started OPKing yesterday. Well about to start work so must go for now-been quite busy at work so not been able to post as much :o( DH & I are off work next week so may be able to check in more often then we'll see. Take care lovely ladies here is a huge ((hug)) from me. xxx


Jen - September 8

hi gals! I posted on the last thread, boy, it was getting long!!! Anyways, it has been 2 months (2 periods) since my m/c. Me and hubby have decided to try again. So we told a close friend of ours, who is currently pregnant with her 3rd, (never having a m/c herself) that we had decided to try and she said "maybe this one will stick this time," WOW!! I was thinking "stick this time???" What is it velcro or something? Did the back of my post it wear out or something?? Needless to say, I was stunned and p__sed and yeah, it may be a slight over reaction-but having a m/c is a big deal. I would have been at the half way point by now. But, we are trying again and decided that we wouldn't tell anyone until I was much further along. Well, good luck to you all!!


Jessica - September 8

Jen-Sorry for your loss..That was definitely a very harsh comment....People are very ignorant when it comes to stuff like this unless they've experienced it themselves....That happened to me....I was emailing a friend of mine who said oh well I guess it just wasnt time yet. God knows what he was doing and then she typed LOL...I caught offense quick to the LOL because I didnt feel it was something to be joked about. Then same person had a gathering that I had attended and she said oh Jessica you have a belly, you never had one before. Upset by yet a second comment made by the same person I said did you not forget that I was 3mths preg. and just m/c. She still didnt think she said anything offensive to me...That is why I love this website so much...When I was at the bottom I found other people who have been through the same thing that I went through...Thank you all so much...And all we can do is not pay mind to the comments made by those who havent been through what we have. Keep positive and good luck in trying again....I just had the ok from my dr yesterday...It was my followup appt from my d&c that I had on 8/12...He asked if af came yet & I told him no...He said usually he tells his patients to wait but if I didnt wait that it's he told me if I dont get af by the end of the month to go in for a PT....I hope af doesnt come...


KimD3 - September 8

Hi everyone, Crisy thank you for understanding. This website is great. I have been thinking alot about my baby I lost and I get upset and keep wondering about him/her. I posted another post That is called Not Pregnant,acouple of days ago. I'm not pregnant and my af came sunday , I totally switching doctors for one thing he looked at me like I was crazy because I thought I was pregnant and I get upset when walking into the building. Did anyone have strange dreams before thier mc? I know that sounds strange but now that I sit and rethink everything, I had alot of nightmares. I'm very happy for everyone that is pregnant again. All of you take care!!!! kim



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