Is The Timing Ever Right

6 Replies
MissP - December 2

Hello everyone, i need some advice and opinions on something thats really bothering me right now. As some of you know, I lost my first baby at 12 weeks on Oct 26th, the babys heart stopped beating at 8-9wks, i was devestated and went on to miscarry and then had a d&c aswell. 5 weeks after i got my af and am now a few days into it....the question is should we try again as now the timing is terrible! This is my situation: Im 32, we were ttc for 6 months before i got bfp, me and the dh were so happy and made plans to return to the UK (ive been living in Dominican Republic for 15 months) to have the baby as we will have all my family there for support, but since then weve found that because of a change in the law my hb cant come back with me to the UK and we will have to wait for an indef time unil they allow him in. Its caused us so much stress and im so angry about it, but what can i do. While all this was happening i lost the baby just to add to the stress. In the meantime we are of limited means because i cant work here and he has work but the wages here are v low...so now we are in a position to start ttcing again, but im stressed to death about what will happen if i do get pregnant and then faced with being seperated if i have to go back to the UK alone. Hes adamant he dosnt want me to have the birth here as the local hospitals are very basic (theres a high child mortality rate) and we dont have any expensive insurance to go to a fancy clinic (and plus the medical care would all be free to me in the UK here we have to pay a fortune for every docs visit, meds etc...) so im so confused what to do. In my heart i think, look - there is no perfect timing to having kids..i should just go for it and worry about what happens afterwards, everything will work out if its meant to be, but my head is telling me, dont do it because financially it could be a nightmare and im faced with being seperated from my husband for months or more...Plus - i know im at risk for another mc / infertility because i have pcos, so i dont want to delay trying in case we wait for the perfect time and then mc again, which would be even more devestating. I so want to have a baby, this is killing me. Please..id love to hear some advice or thoughts on this, and your own situations when you tried or are trying to conceive...and if any of them are completely as ridiculous as mine seems to be...help!

 

caras - December 2

Hi MissP, I had a somewhat similar experience to a lesser extent. The first time my hubby and I decided to try for a baby, I got pregnant. Suddenly, we both completely freaked out because it dawned on us that we did not have health insurance. We foolishly thought that we could just sign up for it with my hubby's employer after the fact. We were young and obviously not very bright and did not know about pre-existing conditions. Long story short, I miscarried several days later. We waited a few months to try again, after insurance kicked in and after we had some time to grieve. I know that burning desire for a child all too well. It can be so hard to wait. I've actually had 5 miscarriages, and sometimes we did not wait to try again. I think it is important for you to seek out the best possible care for yourself and your baby. I also think that a strong support system is very important too. You will likely be much more scared the next time around and it is a good idea to minimize your stress as much as possible. I think that given how recent your loss was, it might be a good idea to wait a little bit. You must still be devestated over your loss and it is possible that your emotions are speaking quite loudly right now. Sometimes, when you don't know what to do about something, the best thing is to not do anything until things become more clear. The timing will never be perfect, but if the timing is terrible, it is probably better to wait. You and your baby deserve the best chance possible for a positive outcome. A time of excessive stress may not give you this chance.

 

MissP - December 3

Hi caras, thank you for sharing your experience. I agree that my emotions have been leading me since the mc, normally im a calm, sane person who thinks things through! But like you say its still early days and i need to give myself time. We want to be sure of a stable situation before we try again, but given we might have to wait a long time to get that, we dont know wether to wait or not. Its a tough decision which we are still considering. Im so sorry for your losses, 5 miscarriages must be very hard to bear. I have a friend who had 6 before finally having 2 healthy children. You didnt say if you have gone on to have any kids yet? Or if there is a reason for your mc's? Im scared the same thing will happen to me also, because of my pcos. I was amazed when i managed to conceive, and so happy, making the mc all the harder. Anyway thanks for the advice, i appreciate it.

 

caras - December 3

Thankfully, I've got a beautiful and healthy 3 year old (preg #5). About a year ago my hubby and I started trying for #2. I finally got pregnant this past October, but miscarried again. I immediately got pregnant again in November and am now a little over 5 weeks and feeling good. My HCG levels are rising and I go for a sonogram this Friday. It's taken me almost seven years to get to this point, but it's been well worth the wait. I don't have any medically known reason for our troubles. Sometimes I got pregnant on the first try, other times it took about a year to conceive. After my 4th miscarriage, my chances of having a baby were less than 5%. I hope that this success story gives you some hope too. Having to compound the worry of miscarrying with the worry of even being able to conceive must be awful. Since you were able to conceive at least once, I would think that your chances of concieving again are pretty good. Another thing that you may want to factor in is your age. If time is not necessarily on your side, you may regret waiting too long. The most important thing that you need to have ready for your baby is love. I think most first-time parents struggle financially in the beginning. I know we sure did. Being away from your hubby would be hard too, but maybe in your case, a few months may not be so long in the grand scheme of things. I know it sounds kind of silly, but maybe writing down a pro and con list might help. Sometimes getting things down on paper can make things seem more clear. It can also be a little theraputic. I wish you the best of luck.

 

PreciousBaby19 - December 4

Hun i've been through almost the same exact situation because i'm an immigrant from america and imoved to the u.k . Hubby is from the u.k . I think you should wait just until you have the legal sorrted out and he can come back with you. because you dont want to have the baby by yourself and you dont want to have it there.not only that but you stated that their you can't work so you have limited funds. it wouldn't give you very good prenatal care since you haev had a miscarriage before. I know its tuogh and there is never a right time to have a baby butwith all this stress i dont think its a good idea on your situation. we decided to wait when we were going through immigration problems and now that its all cleared up we are again ttc. I wish you all the luck in the world. its very hard to wait...and whatever you decide i'm sure you will be alright..but do what you feel is best for the situation and in your heart..not just because you want a baby very bad. I'm here if you need to talk.

 

HeavenisMine - December 4

Hey there, I had a m/c very similar to yours back in January that left me devastated. Now I was not in a very good financial situation so some may have looked at it as for the best. I m/c at twelve weeks too, baby's heart had stopped at about nine weeks. Money has always been tight for us, even with all of our savings. I fell pregnant without really planning to back in March. I welcomed the possibility of course only because I missed having a baby in me. You know women grieving can be quite determined. I thought I had missed ovulation in March, but apparently I hit it dead on spot. We only did it once, and that was all it took. Now I have a week old baby girl in my home, and she has been a blessing, and a motivation. She has inspired me to finally get off my b___t and go back to school to pursue my dreams. I was going to anyway, but I saw her face and thought I have to do this now. and now I feel that even on our limited income I will do whatever it takes to raise her in a good way. I want her to see her mommy and daddy as people who did not quit even when things got tough. I know this decision is ultimately yours, and you should go with what your heart and intuition tell you to in the end, but whatever your decision I wish you the best!! God bless you.

 

MissP - December 4

Hi caras, preciousbaby19 and heaven is mine, thanks for your thoughts! Caras - it is an inspiration to hear that even after 4 mc the 5th one went full term and now you have a healthy child. It gives me some hope! and congrats on your current pregnancy, i hope this one goes perfectly! The time factor, being in my 30's is also on my mind and another reason i dont really want to wait. But i like your idea about writing the pros and cons, i think il try that. and yes i think i agree also that if i wait i might regret it in the long run and that as long as the baby as two loving parents...argghh these decisions are not easy!Preciousbaby19 - thanks, thats so wierd that youve had a similar experience. How long did it take you to get to the uk and how long ago was that? as theyve recently changed the rules to make it even harder...the stress of that and other stresses do make it a bad time to try, but on the other hand time is something i dont have a lot of! I also dread being seperated from my other half as that would be terrible also.Thats why its difficult to know what to do. How long have you been ttcing now? Heavenismine - Congrats on your baby girl, i agree that there are good and bad circ_mstances in which to bring a baby into the world, but if one comes along at a bad time it can just motivate you to try even harder to work things out. thats kind of what im thinking. Maybe its worth going for it, even if its not great timing, and also, who knows how long it might take me to conceive? last time it took 6 mths. im tempted to just let nature take its course..and seeing as i should ovulate next week sometime, i need to decide quite quickly!

 

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