Looking For Help Advice

27 Replies
Jenz - November 28

Well I think I've been on every board here, problems getting pregnant, signs of pregnancy, 1st trimester, 2nd trimester, must admit this is the one I didn't want to be on. I had a scan at 17 weeks showing low fluid, which although I was told might right itself I don't know deep down I had this feeling call it mothers intuition, the fluid went from low to nothing and I am now 19 weeks and going in for be induced on Saturday. Don't really know how I feel, to the outside world I'm acting strong and inside I think I'm falling appart, my main feeling at the moment is that I am a failure to my husband and his family. Just looking for some advice on how people have got through this, I know coping is different for everyone, but it seems easier typing the words down to people I don't know instead of discussing it over and over with my family and friends.

 

oncemore - November 28

JENZ- I am so so sorry for your situation. My heart is breaking for you! I felt like that as well... like I was "broken" and it really hurts. I lost my little boy at 14 1/2 wks pg. Went in for a "sneak peak" on the gender ultrasound, and found that there was no heart beat. he hadn't been dead long either. I had no warning signs what soever. My 12 1/2 wk appt all was well and the h/b was strong. I know this other lady over on "thecleanslate" thread under this board... we are on like thread #60 now. Anyways. She lost her little girl at 14 1/2 weeks due to her amniotic sac breaking and she had to have a D&E (dialation and extraction). I had to go through 21 hours of labor to deliver my still son. It is heart breaking and you feel like you will never recover. I did the same thing... looked strong on the outside, but was killing inside. Is your baby still alive? Can they save him/her? I think 19 weeks is way too early, but I don't know what they are doing for you. I wish you the best and pray that you will be able to have the support you need and be able to hold onto the memories you do have of your little one. My hospital did foot and hand castings and hand/foot prints along with us taking pictures and he was wrapped in a blue croched blanket that I have to remember him by. We also planted a white rose bush to honor him by. I have three other children, ds 9yrs, dd 7yrs, and dd 15mo old. Do you have any children or was this your first one? Things take time... but you will get through this and be happy again.(((HUG))) ~Lori~

 

Jenz - November 28

Thanks Lori its good to talk to someone who has been through the same thing, not that anyone wants to be in that position. The baby is still alive, although I have taken the first tablet the hospital gave me for the induction on Saturday, the prognosis from the scan was that the babies bladder was not working and they were unsure if it had developed any kidneys, basically this is the stage where they develope their lungs from the amnio fluid and no fluid no lungs. I really don't know if I want to see the baby I suppose instinct will take over at the time, but I feel that I am hanging on a thread at the moment and seeing the baby would tip me off the edge, my husband is being so supportive, I think we are both trying to be strong for each other. We have no other children this would have been the first, long awaited after 3 years we had nearly given up and then this miracle happens, it seems so cruel that it has been taken away from us so soon.

 

ROBYN - November 28

Oh Jenz- i was so hoping this wasnt you. My heart is breaking for you. The lack of kidneys is called Potters Syndrome thats what happened to us i want you to know its so so so rare it will never happen again. It like 4% of pregnancies have this "fluke" and its usually never noticed until the baby starts to develop its organs in the 13th week. I am just so sorry you are going thru this. Like Lori said whenever you feel up to it join us on the Clean Slate you can cry, vent, scream or whatever you need to do with us we have all suffered a loss and i can relate 150% to what you are going thru you will get pregnant again but you must realize though we were in denial about this there is absolutely nothing you can do or could have done to make the pregnancy survive our babies heart was beating too and when we went for the termination i told the doctor when he went to do the u/s please do not tell us if the heart is beating just re-confirm that theres no fluid and no chance for survival and he did confirm. I had to take pills but only about 2 hours prior to the termination. I started to get cramping after the pills were done and then they knocked me out and 20 min later i was in recovery. We had to do the D&E but Lori explained that to you in her post she was talking about me. You are in my thoughts.

 

Jenz - November 28

Hi Robyn, I so wish that I could have said my fluids went up, but as you can see the opposite happened. The consultant told me that it would be better for me and for future pregnancies to have the baby and that d & c can sometimes cause additional complications although the thought of going onto a labour ward and giving birth and not going home with a baby fill me with sadness. I don't know how we are both going to get through Saturday, I'm so angry and upset and 100 emotions all mixed up.

 

thejr2913 - November 28

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My son was born at 18wks1day on Oct 11. I know what you are feeling. I felt like I let everyone down, and that really isn't the case. It is hard to get through, but my husband and I are closer then we were before. We found that talking with each other about how each of us felt helped. You can't always be the rock. Looking back now I can say that I'm glad I miscarried. If my son was going to face a lifetime of sickness. I wouldn't want him to suffer. I view it as I kept him healthy and well as long as I could and he never felt pain. He's my angel. My son had a SAU cord and was likely to have kidney and heart disease. I wish you strength in the upcoming days and remember your not alone.

 

Jenz - November 28

Thank you so much for you kind words, the decision was made easier because we knew there was nothing more we could do, it has already brought us closer, I'm sure together we will get through this it just seems a long road ahead right now.

 

ROBYN - November 28

The only thing the D&E did for me was give me some scar tissue since we did IVF they removed the scar tissue it was blocking my right fallopian tube which might have caused a future m/c but that was it. Theres no way they can just let you have the D&E or is it just too far along for that? I had no problems getting pregnant again though it was with the invitro i waited the 4 months and we did everything. What complications could you have from doing the surgery opposed to giving birth? You and your husband will deal with this one day at a time thats all you can do. Your pregnancy hormones are gonna drop and you are gonna be extremely emotional i must tell you that also as for not being cruel enough mother nature will then think you have just given birth and your milk will come in around 3-4 days afterwards. This lasted about 10 days for me. You will both grieve this and you will get through it its a day by day thing. I had really bad days and some good days and then one day i didnt cry anymore. My DH and I took my son to Disney for a long weekend my advice when you are up to it is to try and get away just the 2 of you and try and focus on something other than the loss. Several people told me to do this and we are glad we did. Not saying it wasnt still difficult but we were able to focus on something else.

 

thejr2913 - November 28

jenz the road looks long, but you will get through it. I didn't have a choice either my son had very limited fluid and his heart had stopped sometime during the previojus week. The only choice we had was to be induce or go for a D&E. The only surgeon in the area skilled to do one after 14 weeks was on vacation until Oct. 17. We opted for induction, but ended up needing a d & c afterwards for the placenta. Your strength in each other and the support from other people will help get you through.

 

Jenz - November 28

They told me that for how far along I am in pregnancy it is the safest way for me, altough if they have any problems with the placenta I will still have to have a d&c, they did tell me about the milk, and that my body would believe it had given birth just one more hurdle to cope with. My husband is already looking at a bread for us in Lake Tahoe in February right now I can't think about going away but maybe by then I will feel different.

 

ROBYN - November 28

Jenz - i guess it does make sense what they are telling you since you are farther along than i was. I know getting away doesnt even seem like a good idea at this point but you will feel different later on. Like these girls my DH has always been the most supportive person to begin with and this brought us so much closer we cried together and talked about it over and over and just let our feelings out. I too felt like a failure. I do have a 9 year old son from a previous marriage and all my DH wanted was a baby and we have only been married a little over a year and for me the only the way that would work is IVF i felt like i failed him completely i couldnt even give him his own baby naturally the whole 9 yards. But one day he said no matter what i would love you regardless whether we ever had our own baby together or not we have a great marriage, great family, great friends and our health and it was after that i realized how lucky i truly was and in time we would conceive again and have a sucessful pregnancy. This is a devastating b__w to you both but you will find the strength in each other to deal with this. I actually told my husband about you he just called and he really was upset it brings back alot of emotions.

 

Jenz - November 28

Thanks Robyn you give me so much hope for the future. As I'm in England Its late here so I am going to try and get some sleep, I doubt it will be peacefull as this is so all consuming I doubt my mind will switch off even for sleep. Thanks to everyone for their kind words.

 

ROBYN - November 28

JENZ - try and get some sleep sweety we can chat tomorrow. You will be in my thoughts. Good night.

 

oncemore - November 28

Jenz- your problem is so sad. It's just not fair. I know it's gotta be tough to decide if you want to see the baby or not... it's a very personal decision. I had no choic really....had labor induced (with those lovely pills) and then 10 hours later my water broke ---in the hospital bed at midnight... still no baby.... went into the next day and at one point got up to go to the bathroom (the iv fluids they gave me made me have to go potty alot!...well, when I had finnished and was getting ready to leave the hospital room bathroom... I felt like there was a huge clot coming out...it wasn't a clot. It was my baby boy, hanging from his belly b___ton on the umbilical cord. I caught him with my own hands and then had to page the nurses from the bathroom pull string! Ugh! I was frantic and sobbing uncontrolably... but he was perfect looking for the stage that he was at. They washed him up and placed him in a blanket for me to hold. My dh and I took pics (they are very private and close to our heart...we hold them sacred) but I am glad that I got to hold him... even though he had already moved on to Heaven. He was my little boy first...and I got to hold him first! It helps me to greive him...to see his tiny features and to hold his hand and see how amazing he was... I hope that whatever choice you make, that it's one you can live with after your baby is gone... are you going to do a burial service? It was suggested to us by the hospital to just cremate our son... but they did it in a personal way...not like "hospital waiste"... if he had been further along, then I think I would have done the funeral/burial service and had him burried. I still kind of wish we had chosen that route... but it's too late now. Best of luck to you and the process of having your little one. So so sorry you have to go through this. It is very painful. You will always have a special place in your heart and in your memory of your first precious baby... always. Your baby knew you... by the warmth of your womb, and by the beating of your heart. (s)he knew your voice and your dh's voice too! You knew him/her by the movments... and through all the dreams and plans you were making for him/her right from the very start! ((HUG))!

 

oncemore - November 28

JENZ- they had to go in to get my placenta as well. I delivered the baby just fine (only had to dialate to a 4 or 5) and then we waited (as I bled) to see if I would pa__s the placenta... nope... but my dr. didn't want to have to do the D&E. he said it would be less traumatic on my body to be induced and have the baby. I did. They were able to knock me out and go inside of me with a special tool and pull the placenta free from my uterine lining. It all worked out for me that way. OH... like Robyn said... you will have the hormones like crazy afterwards. You don't know what birth is like since this is your first.... but it's natural for the body to do a "hormone dance" and you will feel all sorts of sadness and moodiness. You also might have your milk try to come in... Yes, mother nature is cruel...doesn't realize that their isn't a baby to feed.... this was the hardest part in my recovery for me...my milk tried to come in and finally did, a week after the birth. Wear tight sports bras, and take an antihistamine (something that dries mucus up) and this will help with that whole ordeal. I am glad that you and your dh are holding onto each other and being supportive. It is what helped me and my dh get through all of this. One picture he did, that I wasn't even aware of until later... was when they brought me back into my hospital room from delivering my placenta (I was still out of it).. I was sleeping, and he layed our son all wrapped in his blanket next to me in my arms (mainly hands-he was only 5 inches long) and took our picture. It is one of my most presious things I have to remember my son by. I have a picture of me sleeping with all my children in the hospital after birth... and this meant sooo much to me. The nursing staff were all soooo wonderful and kind. I am so gald that I had him in a hospital where i could get the support I needed and the momentos and precious keep sake box they gave me. They also gave me a wonderful grief book on pregnancy loss/still born for me and one about how kids grieve....sooooo needed, as I was able to see how to handle my older two children...who also went through their own way of greiving. Just give yourself time to grieve and heal. Best wishes for you on Saturday. I am so sorry.

 

Jenz - November 29

Thanks for all your advice, and for you all telling your stories that must be bringing back heartbreaking memories for you all. Don't think me or DH had any sleep last night and I can't honestly see me getting any goods nights sleep for a while my mind is so active on the baby it doesn't shut off for a second. The first tablet they gave me was meant to shut my body off from believing i'm pregnant and I wonder if the baby is still alive now, they told my DH that it would not be delivered with a heartbeat now all I'm thinking about is when that will stop. They told me at the hospital I should be there no longer than a day unless they have problems with the placenta, they told me that the 'process' should take no longer than 8 hours yet your experience seems so different to this Lori, I really hope its quick and I have no problems I think my inner strength will only cope with so much.

 

Tory1980 - November 29

Jenz, I am sorry you are going to have to go through this but know that in no way are you a failure to your husband, family or that little baby. You have kept him/her as safe as you could for as long as you could and unfortunatley your job as a mum has come to an end a lot sooner than it should have. I lost my last baby at 14w4d in January on the Ward waiting for a D&C. I made the decision to see the baby and it was perfect - just incredibly tiny. My husband didn't want to and he went on home. He couldn't face the thought of seeing what we had lost(we have three boys already and this was our 2nd m/c) but he questions that decision on and off now. Personally for me seeing her helped me. I NEEDED to see the baby, to know that it was mine. It is a personal decision and one you probably won't be able to make until your little one is born. They gave me tablets (internally) on the ward to soften my cervix for the operation but they put me into full labour and I delivered about 6 hours later. I didn't know how to feel either and even afterwards I was numb. The first time I broke down was when I collected the baby for burial. The second was a few days later when we finally laid her to rest - my hubby didn't cry or speak of the baby until he saw the little coffin and for him that was his breaking point. Even now the smell of a certian perfume (the nurse was wearing on the ward), going up the the hospital for appointments, wearing a certain top (the one I wore onto the ward) etc bring the memories flooding back. Take the time to grieve and I wish you all the best in the future and the strength to get through Saturday.

 

ADD A COMMENT:


You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!


Already a member?
Please login below.





Forgot your password?
Need Help?  
Start A New Discussion