Still Sad Almost A Year Later

2 Replies
akm - May 15

I'm 21 and last May I got pregnant while on the pill. It was very unexpected and stressful for me. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, not even my boyfriend, because I was leaving town for the summer to take an awesome job as a photographer on a secluded island. I knew it would be a bad idea to go when I was pregnant, and that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to go if he knew. Well, I went anyway. At 9 weeks I miscarried. It was painful and awful and I had no one to talk to about it. I didn't get off the island until a week later to go to the doctor, at which time I had to tell my boyfriend about the whole thing. He was very loving and supportive at that time. But since then we haven't talked about it much, I guess just because he doesn't understand. None of my friends are able to support me and I didn't tell anyone else. So all year I've been depressed about this. Sometimes I feel like I'm over it, but then something happens, like my co-worker having a baby, and I'm sad again. I feel like the only thing that would make the sadness really go away would be getting pregnant again, but we're trying to wait a year until we're done school. I feel stupid that I've been this upset for so long. I didn't plan to get pregnant, and I miscarried early. And even though I feel like its my fault I miscarried, I know that it isn't. But I'm still so upset about the whole thing. Honestly, is it okay to still be sad about it a year later? I feel like my reaction to this has been innappropriate. And is there a way to get over it without trying to get pregnant again?

 

JuJu - May 15

akm; It's definitely ok to still be grieving......I don't think the pain of losing a baby ever fully goes away. You are definitely not alone in your grief; miscarriage is a profound experience which can't help but affect us enormously! My mother had several miscarriages many many years ago, and when she reminices it still brings a tear to her eye - despite the fact that she went on to have several healthy babies. I think that over time the emotional wound heals, but the memory will always remain. I understand how it feels to be miscarrying and lonely - I had both of my miscarriages this year ( Jan and March) whilst I was living overseas (because of my DH's work). Apart from my Dh and 18month-old DD (who is a little too young to confide in!) I had no-one in the country - all my friends and family were back in Australia. I did have a couple of very close friends who I spent many hours with over the phone - but the biggest godsend was finding this forum......it was a very isolating and painful experience for me, and if I hadn't found the girls here I am sure I would have been much worse off. Although deeply wish I hadn't t been picked by fate to have the year I've had so far, I can say that I do feel that the experience has taught me many lessons about life, and how precious and tenuous it really is. I view my other relationships now differently too, and I am definitely more empathetic and patient through the experience. I always think of the saying, 'better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all' - and this is how I try to view my miscarriages. The best thing we can do is try to be positive and focus on the great things in our lives....and eventually, over time, we will find a level of comfort with what has happened to us. It's so hard, isn't it!!?? {{HUGS}}

 

suzzieq - May 18

Hi akm, I am sorry for your loss and the way you had to experience it. Your reaction is definately not innappropriate. I lost my first at almost 10 weeks over 8 years ago and it still is in my mind alot. Like Ju says, it does get better but never goes away completely. Unfortunately getting pg again doesn't make it go away. I have a ds who is almost 7 and I still feel for my loss before him. You will have good days and days that are so rough to get through, but you will get through them. It sounds like you have a great life and alot of positive things going for you! Take the days as they come and keep looking forward to a bright future. I wish you the best!!

 

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