Why Are People On This Board Talking About Pregnancies

59 Replies
To Ta Da - November 3

Take another look at Grumpy's comment, the operative word is "boast"--Grumpy and others who have responded to this thread are complaining about women who "boast" about their babies in response to a woman who has just miscarried. A woman who is deeply in pain, who has just miscarried, had a stillbirth or is about to miscarry will not want to hear someone else's joyful announcement of her BFP or other cliche comments like "You'll be ok next time because I had a baby after my miscarriage". Whether the "website specifically and clearly states that if you are pregnant OR trying to conceive you should definitely NOT post to a "pregnancy loss" board" is irrelevant. It just goes without saying: NO woman with fertility problems (like Grumpy and many others) wants to hear a boastful pregnancy announcement or a comment like "it'll be ok next time". Did you even read what Grumpy said? She's spent all her time and money on fertility programs and is hopeless. "A little encouragement" on the basis of your pregnancy is not going to help people like Grumpy.

 

Please just stop posting - November 4

And I say again, let it die.

 

And To "To Ta Da" - November 4

Thanks so much for spewing repet_tives at me however the t_tle of this thread is "Why are people on this board talking about pregnancies" and no matter how you look at it, pregnancy is going to be part of a miscarriage board. If you want to really get technical, which you apparently do since you feel the need to a__sume that everyone should just know some imaginary guidelines of the board ("It just goes without saying"), then here is another technicallity... this is NOT a Fertility Board, it is a Miscarriage Board so should I start complaining now that people should not be talking about fertility?

 

let it rest - November 4

ive said it b4 and i will say it agen, DONT POST ON THEIS THREAD AGAIN. You know if you look at the other threads this is the only one with the most posts, im sure this post is not helping anyone. There are questions on this forum where people havnt replied, so why do people want to post to this one it is amazing. there are plenty threads that people can post on, we are all the same and have been affected by a miscarridge so im sure we could all get on and support each other... anyway if i ever go on to have a baby i will always and forever come onto the forum, and if i can help and support one woman or lots of women who come on the forums for support, i will. Even if i go onto having a healthy preg i will still feel like supporting other women who are going through the same thing as i did.....

 

grumpy, again - November 4

Well since I had the first word, let me be the last here. Thanks to all of you who have made an effort to actually read and understand the concerns being expressed in this thread. To the rest of you, you've so well proved our point, it's shocking. You've shown that many posters out here feel no compunction about being aggressive with their optimism. You not only don't want to hear about normal responses like grief, and pain, and sorrow, and despair, but seem to want to diminish these feelings we're having by imposing your own. Half a dozen postings on this threat argue something like "you can't be sad because it's not fair to me and my happiness." You, "happy ladies" can go on supporting each other through the dim lense of naive optimism and narcissim, and if boasting is what you need to do, go ahead. If diminishing someone's pain with your own happiness makes you feel better about yourself, go ahead. As for me, I'm not returning here. There's obviously not enough rhetorical space for the kind of consciencious attention I'm seeking here. To those of you who get this, I'll miss your compa__sion and wisdom. I just choose not to be bullied by cheer-leaders any more. To address some of the comments here about m/c being a "fluke"--yeah, it is for some people. This is what doctors tell you so you don't go bonkers with worry. But the truth is, you'll notice reading between the lines everywehre on this site, is that many women experience loss after loss after loss after loss. They experience them, as I have, after seeing their baby's heart beat, and after making it to the second trimester, and they do so over and over and over. Can you, who think it's a fluke, or the "best thing," try to understand why "I just know it will work out for you--look at me, I have five kids" just doesn't cut it?

 

Ta Da - November 4

Oh please... I am just as compa__sionate as the next person but you need to give it a rest. You are not the only person to feel grief, and pain, and sorrow, and despair. Just because each person deals with it differently, does not make them wrong, or a bully as you put it and definitely not on a public forum on the internet!!!!!!!

 

To Grumpy - November 5

Grumpy, you deserve the last word so to help you end the thread you started on a better note than the above response I say to you and to you alone: very well said! People like "Ta Da" will just never understand what you are saying. Please disregard her insensitive "give it a rest" comment, Grumpy, you have every right to grieve over your multiple losses. You also, have the right to ask people not to bother trying to cheer you up because that's how many of us feel when we are distressed. Although you're giving up on finding the type of support you need here, please know that there are some of us who understand what you are saying even though many of us have not experienced loss to the same extent that you have. I know you feel hopeless and defeated but I hope that you will not become permanently embittered by your numerous heartaches and negative experiences. I sincerely hope that you will find the compa__sionate support that you need. Good-bye, Grumpy. I wish you well.

 

Gia - November 5

Hi ladies, I have to say this before this thread closes and becomes forgotten. I understand how grumpy feels cause i was there and to some extent am still there. I know how she feels, i remember the anger and frustration being so new and being so jealous of all thre women who were having their babies anf get_tng p/g while I was buring my son but with that i understand how the women who lost thier babies and are now having another chance feel too. I was always told well at least you have 2 kids, some women lose thier first babies. I lost my first baby too, i miscarried at 6 weeks with my first pregnancy, i had to go home to an empty house with no baby to bring home. I remember the morning my bleeding started, august 29,2000, i went to the ER and they told me my m/c started and to go home and just get rest, there was nothing they can do. I used the bathroom and pa__sed my baby in the tiolet. This was over, just like that as soon as i found out about my pregnancy it ended just as fast, i miscarried 2 weeks after finding out i was p/g. I also suffered a stillborn dec 2, 2004. I was having what was probably the best pregnancy i ever experienced and within a matter of 2 weeks again, gone. My son Anthony had a u/s and a drs appt 2 weeks before i delivered him and they both showed what appeared to be a healthy, vital baby boy. I went to the hosp cause i was not feeling well and didnt notice movement. When they tried numerous times to geta h/b i knew at this point. My dr did an u/s and explained where his heart was and should be beating, and his wasen't. How does a perfectly healthy that had no complications at all just suddenly die within a matter of a couple of days?? Ok so now i have to deliver, i opted for a c-sec, i had one before and i just couldnt bare to do a v____al, i just couldnt do it, i copped out. During the time I was told he died and the time my surgery was scheduled, i made the decision to get my tubes tied. What a great idea i thought, i tie my tubes and never have to worry about this happening ever again, great idea right? Ok so here we are, im signing my tubal ligation papers, im so sure this is the right decision. I deliver my baby, tie my tubes and im off to recovery. I have exhausted any option of ever having another baby, my insurance wont cover IVF and they refused the funds to grant me a reversal. So here i am 11 months after Anthony died and pray every night for a miracle. I understand how loss feels, i understand the grief and most of all i understand the anger cause for such a long time all i felt was anger. I wish everyone the best in thier future.

 

Ta Da - November 5

To To Grumpy : Please do not a__sume that you know what I do or do not understand. This entire thread has taught me that some of you feel that you deserve a bigger pity party than others and want to put down those of us that handle our loss differently than you. Obviously this board is not for me because I believe in helping everyone no matter what their current circ_mstances are and do not feel the need to blacklist people that I do not feel are hurting the same way as I. I am not even pg but the idea of being treated as an outcast by people on this board should I become pg, is something I do not wish to experience so good luck to everyone and to the ladies that do get pg, I hope you find the support that you need and do not let people tell you that you do not deserve to post here!

 

Michelle - November 6

Same here. I do not want to stick around to hear negative comments as I am working through my grief just because someone else wants to think they have it worse then I do. I choose to not post on this board anymore as well. Good bye.

 

sarah - November 9

i have lost four babies and now i am pregnant again with a happy hopefull ending, it does not mean i cant post on this board as i like to give my advice to other people! i know life is hard when you loose a baby, but getting rude with other people and wishing they wouldnt post on here is the wrong way to go about it, its no bodys fault these losses have happened especially peoples on here... im so sorry for what you are going through but been negative and rude to others only makes it worse.. life goes on, sorry but it does

 

Just couldn't let it die... - November 9

Sigh. Thanks very much Sarah. We're trying to kill this post, if you hadn't noticed. Now it's back up to the top again.

 

Julia - November 9

Somehow I got to this thread and had a read through. Honestly, I am not completely sure why the thread needs to end. Perhaps all sides will come to understand one another better and some solutions, if necessary, will be created. I haven't heard Grumpy or anyone say they made a suggestion as to how to handle this to the site administrator or whomever would be responsible here. I guess to me being proactive about it makes the most sense, instead of just making a lot of a__sumptions about each others' intentions and taking digs. My 2 cents is that Grumpy and others who really identify with her intense emotions and experiences should really seek out a different, more appropriate site if this one doesn't change to fit your needs. (I am not being rude... just trying to offer some sane solution to keep your mental health!). Instead of trying to mold this site which has a certain allowable "approach", there must be an infertility/fertility site, or even better if time and location allow, a live in-person group you could attend. We can't just criticize one another... so hurtful and unproductive. And, when you start a post like this you should really stay involved and allow most to feel some resolution. I think many here feel very hurt by this discussion and apologies are necessary. I mean, really, there are so many people who post here and anyone's story is bound to affect people differently based on past experiences (which can include stressful experiences outside of this awful pain), cultural awareness, coping style, mood of the day, etc, etc, etc. Words posted over the internet are also very hard... no non-verbals or leisurely conversations being had... just disjointed talks shared by many........ Could go on, but all I want to end with is, let us show a greater effort toward love and try to understand others instead of just focusing on how much we can get, no matter how deep our pain. "The love you give away is the only love you get."

 

Kara - November 9

I think that a fresh thread is needed where grumpy and others who feel similar to her can share and support each other, but with a slightly different approach. Some people who posted were attacking others who were posting on thread clearly marked that they were trying to concieve. They said some really hurtful things and the fact is, we are all hurting. That's why we come to this forum. They need to start a new thread but POLITELY explain that they would like it to be a pregnancy free area to grieve together without anyone trying to cheer them up. If they continue to post to this thread, new posters are going to read some of those inflammatory postings and start the arguing all over again which will not be constructive at all.

 

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