What Next Pg1243577554

10 Replies
CapaxInfiniti - May 29

My period was due on Monday and here it is Thursday with no sign of its impending arrival. This morning I decided to test and the results were positive. For the sake of validation I took another test later in this evening with another positive result. It would explain a great deal as to my behavior, cravings and such as of late. So now I am at a loss. I was convinced I couldn't bare children, to the point where I would have bet my life on such a statement. I'm terribly stressed over this and unsure what my next step is. It's almost as though my brain just isn't processing this, and sometimes it all just slaps me in the face. Out of nowhere I broke down and cried on the fiancee for no reason at all. I couldn't even begin to explain what was wrong because I hadn't a clue... I still don't think I have a clue...


kimberly - May 29

Hi, first Congratulations! I am sorry you are feeling this way but it probably has alot to do with the pregnancy hormones. Women get very emotional when pregnant especially in the beggining. I am sure you will be a great mom and it is normal to have some anxiety, just as long as it don't turn into depression. Why were you convinced you couldn't have children? Are you in a relationship? Your first step should be to eat healthy and take prenatal vitamins and make your first Dr. appointment. If money is a issue you can apply for medicaid at your local DHS office if you are in the US, you should do that first because it takes a while and some Dr. won't accept you unless you are insured. You can also research online and find several agencies that help in your situation. Hope I helped some!


CapaxInfiniti - May 29

I appreciate your comment Kimberly. I suffer with severe anxiety and minor to moderate depression outside of being pregnant so it seems to be taking a harder toll on both mind and body. I am uncertain as to precisely why I was convinced that I couldn't bare children. Most of it was just something I felt instinctively. I placed confirmation on said suspicions from failing to get pregnant the various times I tried when I was stupidly younger. Thankfully nothing came of that, not that I don't think I would have failed as a mother, but I see now that it was completely the wrong time with entirely the wrong person. I am now in a committed relationship to a wonderful man with plans to marry. I have insurance though my place of employment so that isn't much a worry. I told the fiancee yesterday after I got off work but the decision hasn't quite been made as to what we are going to do. I want nothing more than to keep this child, though it was a complete surprise, but we aren't as financially fit and the fiancee would wish us to be before we start our family. I can't blame him for being the typical Italian, wanting to a__sure that his family is well provided for. He is a few credits short of his Ph.D which is all that is separating him from the full time position teaching at the college, for now he is part time but still makes a rather decent amount of money. As soon as he lands this full time position he well be starting at a 70k salary. He is feeling that at this particular moment in time abortion really is the only solution. He knows full well that I could never place my baby for adoption, not that I specifically hold anything against adoption per se, rather there is no was I could refrain from attaching myself to a point of no return and be able to hand over something I have always dreamt of. Though it is so early in the pregnancy I am already attached, even taking the all day nausea with a smile. I understand fully that it is my body and thus my decision, but I have committed myself to him fully thus making any decision affect both rather than just one. He wants nothing more than to have children with me, but in a time he feels would be more suiting... I don't want to have an abortion and I feel terrible explaining to him precisely how and why I feel as I do. He feels so helpless and I am left feeling like a terrible person... I can't think straight... I'm so afraid of making a terrible decision, one that I am going to regret for the rest of my life. I have plans to see a doctor before we make arrangements for anything else. I'm hoping so hard that something, anything will change his mind... My mind is so full and all I want to do is cry....


HappyAsh - May 30

I can't imagine being in that position, but I fully believe in prayer. I think you should hand it to the Lord, and ask him to show you what to do. I know a few people who've had abortions and worked with a ministry that focused on women who've had them. I would say with your history of depression already that that decision would have a high chance of causing you great pain emotionally which in turn could lead to heavy depression. As to whether or not you should have an abortion, that choice is fully yours...however it is a very painful and hard experience that lasts a lifetime. Since you were so convinced you couldn't conceive, what if this was your only chance? If you had such a hard time thinking about handing your precious little baby away to another family, do you think you would be able to hand you growing little angel over to the doctors to kill?


CapaxInfiniti - May 30

Unfortunately, I can't say I believe in prayer. I was raised a Catholic and attend Catholic school up until high school, but I seem to lack all faith in the God figure I was taught was there. To be so truthful, I am not certain as to what I believe, I've been attempting to figure that one out for a while now. Everything happens for a reason, that I do believe fully. As to what said reason is or what caused said reason is still a mystery to me. All the points you've mentioned have already run through my mind and weigh heavily on my fears. I've spent the past two days in tears whenever the thought crosses my mind. What if this really is my only chance? The fiancee doesn't seem to believe so. I would love to fill my home with the laughter of children. I am terrified that if this is the decision we make then I will walk away loathing myself after. Do I think I can do it... I'm not so sure. This is by far the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I want to make the right decision, but how can I do that if I don't know which is the right one? I don't want to risk giving my child the hell of a life that I had, I don't want to throw away what could be my only chance for a family and finish my life in self loathing, and I simply don't have the strength to hand over a piece of me to someone else to raise. I refuse to be my mother... I seem to be caught within a catch 22, every option has a potentially terrible consequence.


HappyAsh - May 31

I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles as well as your lack of faith...I know life is extremely hard, however my faith in the Lord has brought me comfort, strength and joy from some horrific circ_mstances. I will surely be praying for you so you may feel peace about your circ_mstance. I don't know what happened that made you turn away from our creator, but I can promise you that no matter what He loves you and sent His son to die for you...your sin became his sin so we don't have to be punished for them. You don't need to do anything, just sit back and be loved by a wonderful powerful God. He requires nothing from us except our belief in Him. Once again I am very sorry that you find yourself in such a hard position. This might be a test in your relationship with your fiancee. Maybe he should be more flexible about how you feel about this baby. I can tell you from experience that YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER! I have struggled with that for years, and really honestly God has shown me that I am my own person, and am capable of raising my babies with a love that I never had. Try not to be fearful, but trust yourself that you can do it. You can be a mother that you never had. I hope this helps. -Ash


CapaxInfiniti - June 1

Tony (my fiancee) is doing the best he can he understand. He knows how hard this is on me and I know that it is tearing him apart. I know I'm not my mother and I hold the ability to never become her. Your words are soothing to the best of their ability and I greatly appreciate such. I'm just having a difficult time relaxing. My sleeping schedule is inconsistent and morning sickness has been taking its all day toll. For the most part, the sight and smell of food alone makes me nauseated to the point of avoidance. I have plans to call the OBGYN tomorrow and see when is the earliest I can squeeze in. I'm hoping that discussing the current situation with a doctor will help me put things into a better perspective and perhaps alleviate even a small fraction of this stress.


kimberly - June 4

All I can really say is follow your gut on this one. If it don't feel right, then you will never feel right about doing it. My sister had a abortion for different reasons then you but, she has told me she regrets it everyday and it was the worst decision she has ever made. I myself could never do it either, I guess because I have 3 kids and know what being pregnant and having a precious little baby is all about. Your fiance seems grounded enough to handle a child and so do you. I see no real reason to go through with it. I hope your Dr. helped you make the decision that is right for you!


HappyAsh - June 5

I hope the doctor appt will help also. I would give anything to be having morning sickness right now, and can't wait to be pregnant even with the struggles...with that said, I know life is different for everyone, and I think that if you just try to relax, and think about what you truly want and what you can picture in you future, that might help. Knowing your due date might help also, to make the baby more tangable. I hope for the best for you.


CapaxInfiniti - June 5

Kimberly, that is what I am so afraid of. Even if now isn't the right time, could I really live with myself knowing that I killed something I have always wished for? I'm not sure it's a chance I want to take. I've always been insecure and have held a rather high sense of guilt. The most trivial of mistakes will eat at me from the inside till I breakdown... so how would this affect me? My fiancee is a great man though he bases every decision on what is logical which I am in no way saying is a bad thing, but every once in a while the logical decision isn't always right. Logic would say that we are young, that we would struggle for a while to raise this child and that perhaps waiting would be best... But the heart says that logic isn't always the right option. Yes, we would struggle, we'd have to sacrifice some things, but if we really wanted this child we could and would find a way. It's just a matter of getting him to see that. My doctors appointment in is five hours, so we shall see what happens. I'm honestly wondering what is going on within his mind... I had a rather terrible breakdown the other day where all I kept telling him was to call and schedule the abortion and he said he would in a bit, but he never did... I'm wondering if he hasn't called because he doesn't want to....


HappyAsh - June 5

Well how did the appt. go? How did the fiancee take it?



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