Married But Separated Husband Does Not Want Baby

3 Replies
Suz-q - June 19

Hi all. I am new to this site. I will be 39 in August. I have a 19 and a 16 year old son by a previous marriage, and I just found out I am pregnant. My current husband of almost 10 years and I are separated due to his alcoholism and mistreatment (verbal) of my 16 year old. We continued to see each other, but recently I've been having misgivings about continuing our relationship as things just don't seem to be changing a whole lot. Then--I found out I was pregnant. He is absolutely shocked and does not want me to have the baby. He's finally accepted that he's going to be a father, but he's very insensitive. He has no clue about pregnancy and no desire to learn. I try to talk to him about feeling sick and being scared, and he doesn't want to hear it. I'm so worried about basically being a single mother of an infant. What really galls me is that he keeps talking about how hard this is going to be on him once the baby is born because we don't live together and he doesn't want to be a part time dad. But, we've talked about trying to move in together again, and he will only allow it if my 16 year old son lives elsewhere. That will never happen! I would never choose a man over my child. I do understand his point of view about living apart from his child, but, as difficult as it might be for him, I'm still the one who will be doing virtually all of the care for the baby--it's like that makes no difference to him. Every time I talk to him on the phone, he never once asks how I'm feeling, when I go to the doctor again, etc. Today he actually announced his surprise when he discovered I would be going to the gynocologist on a regular basis. I guess he thought you just wait 9 months then see the doctor a couple weeks beforehand. When I mentioned there was a lot he had to learn about pregnancy and we could read some books together, he told me he had no desire to learn. I've been through pregnancy twice before, but I feel almost as if this is the first time. I'm nervous and scared about doing this alone. I have an advanced degree but I work for non-profits and don't make a ton of money. At the same time, I'm excited and happy to have another chance at motherhood at a time when my other children are starting to get ready to leave the nest. Ironically, my children are more excited than my husband about the baby. My 16 year old tells anyone who wants to listen that he's going to be a brother again. Any advice about what to do about the situation with my husband would be much appreciated. At almost 39 I feel almost too old to be doing this on my own!


tuesdaypm - June 20

God,c'mon you been a mum twice before!! You can easily do this! So its ok for him to not live apart from his child but you should live apart from yours?? I would honestly cut him loose n with the love of your boys you will cope with anything :) He sounds like a waste of space hunney


MNMOM - June 22

Suzy-Q: I am really sorry to read of your situation. Very very sad. I would really encourage you to find a professional therapist or counselor to talk to, to help you sort through your feelings and options. You sound like a strong woman and a great mom, you can do this and you will get through this! Find a network of other moms and girlfriends that can help you and you can lean on. Your husband sounds like an immature jerk and I think you can do much better!


babyblue2 - June 23

I am really sorry you are goin through this, but I totally agree with the others. There is a reason you left him, so keep that in mind! Your boys are old enough to help out, especially seeing as they are already excited at the prospect of having a baby around. I know its been a while since you last cared for an infant, but you did it once so you can do it again! You sound like a very strong and mature woman. Forget the man who is gonna drag you down, and focus on the baby who depends on you. I a sure there are other people in your life who can emotionally support you during your pregnancy. Good luck!!



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