Pregnant At 37 Boyfriend Doesn T Want It

46 Replies
Dev - July 14

Need your insights... I'm pregnant for the first time at 37. My 39-year-old live-in boyfriend (we've been together 1+ years) doesn't want it. He has been less than supportive and has said some incredibly hurtful things. My eyes have really been widened. Since this was a topic I brought up early on in dating because having a child is that improtant to me, I'm struggling with his reaction. I've considered terminating because I cannot imagine being tied to him for the rest of my life anymore. I would leave him immediately after termination. However, I don't know if I can actually go through with it because what if this is my only chance? I'm pretty sure that he would leave eventually after the child was born and I cannot imagine doing this alone. Help! Any insights would be greatly appreciated.


Pamela - July 14

I am 35 and married, but got pregnant on the honeymoon. My husband acted the same way your boyfriend is acting, he thought it was too soon and asked me to terminate the baby. I am pro-choice so I opinion was based solely on me and my needs no a moral or ethical decision. I decided to keep the baby. I am 5 months pregant this week and only in the last week or two has he seem to be interested in this baby. It has been a battle and one that I have traveled alone or only with the support of friends. You need to ask yourself one questions, in your heart do you really want this child? If so, your question is answered because everything else will come together. Yes, at times it will be difficult and you will get upset, you might be emotionally drained and financially it could be hard. But this is your baby growing in you and although you have a few more years to have children this happened for a reason. But if this guy is opening your eyes to the type of person he really you really want him as a full time father for this baby. It is easy for me to say drop the loser and focus your energy and thoughts on your baby, but you need to make the decision you are comfortable with. This baby is already a part of you. It might have your eye, your hair, or your height. Good luck but please only decide what is best for you short and long term. If this is your only chance and you never have the opportunity to have a child can you live with that?


Lisa - July 19

Do you have any family that would be able to help you out? You need people around you that are supportive. If you had talked about this before and he knew that this is something in the future you may want then he should not be surprised. You didn't do this by yourself you know. It is scary to do it alone but with the right people around you it can be done. You should tell him to go on his way and that you can no longer be with someone that would desert you in this time of needed support. he will not help you make a good decision. If you choose to not have the baby or give the baby up for adoption that is also your choice. Since he is not supportive I feel like he has no choice. Good Luck in your decision.


Dev - July 19

Pamela, Lisa, Kris, Thank you so much for your responses. I have decided to NOT terminate this pregnancy. I want a child and the only reason I had even considered it was because of how awful my boyfriend is being. I just couldn't imagine being tied to him for the rest of my life. Now I realize that I can do it on my own if need be (it will be very hard financially though). He is being so hurtful to me that I'm thinking moving out would be the best bet. I'd rather be alone than endure this c___p. Perhaps some time apart will help him gain insight to his own personal demons. A part of me wants to stay and try to work it out for the sake of the baby, yet I just can't go down with him. Feel free to keep those insights coming! I need all the help I can get. Thanks again!


kris - July 19

Dev, while some time apart may heal wounds, dont even consider staying with him "for the sake of the baby". A baby needs love, support, and protection from his family, and if the man isn't willing to give that to the child, you aren't helping the child at all. I stayed with my ex for 12 years for the sake of the children, and they suffered emotionally with a dad who never showed them affection. He finally left, and after the tears and healing (two years later) along came a wonderful guy and I just KICK myself now for staying with ex for as long as I did. Hopefully he will come around, but if he doesn't dont sell yourself short. Best wishes.


Jennifer - July 31

Dev, you WILL regret it and always ask yourself..."I wonder what he/she would have looked like, what the excitement would have felt like watching him/her smile at me and know I was his/her mommy, the 1st step, the first word, what he/she would have become once grown up. It is sooo unbelievable to experience all of that and mine is 21 months old and I just could not imagine ever not meeting my baby boy. When there's a will, there's a way. P.S. Drop kick that inconsiderate, insensitive sorry a__s to the curb!!!! Turn to family and friends for support..they are there...just ask for'd be surprised!


Angela - August 1

Dev - I guess it comes down to whether you can live with regret. If 10 years from now you have no children, will you look back on this and regret it? And likewise, do you think 10 years from now you'll regret having had the child? I wouldn't worry too much about being tied to this man. If he wants nothing to do with the child, then it's likely he'll be out of the picture. It's a tough choice. Good luck!


Dev - August 1

Thanks to all of you who have responded. Keep any insights coming. :) I am still very torn. I thought I had made my decision, but things have gone from bad to worse here. My boyfriend will not sign off rights, but admits he will not be emotionally supportive. Verbal abuse continues. I know I need to move out and end things with him regardless. Going through with a pregnancy on my own seems almost insurmountable. I cannot afford it at all. I know I could do it emotionally on my own (if I had to), but envision a lifetime of struggle dealing with my boyfriend. I am completely overwhelmed with this decision and it's all I can think about 24/7. Thanks again everyone.


Carol - August 1

Dev, Going through pregnancy is stressful enough without having to deal with this kind of abuse. I'm so sorry. If you want a child I would definately recommend going through with your pregnancy since this could be your only opportunity. Once you see that little one for the first time, it will all be worth it. A child will be in your life forever and will give you joy you can never imagine right now. I would keep a journal of everything this man is putting you through. And when the child is born this may help you to acheive sole custody. I don't know if you are religious but prayer can work miracles.


erin - August 1

I think that getting rid of the boyfriend first is a good idea. If he has said hurtful things now that you are pregnant, was he just using you, until you got pregnant?I am 34 and pregnant with my first. Termination is a tough choice. Ask yourself, do you want a child. For your sake, not for the boyfriend. Its tough to either make the choice to terminate a pregnancy or to be a single mom. Giving the baby for adoption maybe another idea. You mentioned you are scared that it may be your only chance. If it is, and you terminate it, will you be able to deal with it emotionally. I would suggest, try to be calm and write your thoughts down. Pros and cons of all possibilities. And then try to make sense of that. Good luck.


Jennifer - August 1

God does not give people more than he/she can handle. Contact Planned PArenthood and let them know what is going on and they should be able to help you. You are in no condition to do allof this alone and sure as hell don't need your boyfriend in the picture. He has NO rights to sign off on. You tell him if he chooses not to support you financially, then you will take him to court and ask for a paternity test for proof that he is the father and list all of the abuse you have received from him. As mentioned by another woman, keep a daily journal hidden from him and doc_ment everything. You HAVE the power! Trust me when you hold and see that baby for the first time, you will fall in love and nothing else in the world will matter at that moment. You CAN make a differnce in your life and the baby's. The rainbow is on the other side. Just get rid of the boyfriend NOW! If necessary, go to a Battered Women's Shelter (they WILL help you!)and make sure any joint money accounts you have with that good for nothing boyfriend are all closed. Good luck! Keep us posted.


john - August 6

Please! do not terminat your baby... look at it as a gift from God! if he don't want to be around than fine.. make him pay child support for the child..enjoy your gift from God and move on.. there is always plenty of help out there to help with your baby while you work... the heck with the man who fathered your baby... move on with your child... DONT MEAN TO BE BLUNT.. BUT A WOMAN SHOULD NOT HAVE A CHOICE TO ABORT OR KILL A BABY.. YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE WHEN YOU HAD s_x WITH HIM... RIGHT? true and correct! GOOD LUCK.. PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE.. I AM A FATHER OF 3 AND I RAISE THEM ON MY OWN THEY ARE TRUE GIFTS.. I LOVE THEM... HE MAY COME AROUND AND SEE THAT TOO.


Nina - August 6

I am 37 going on my third baby I know exactly what your going through I also have a sperm donor that can care less about the baby, but I am still going to keep him or her seeing my other two girls I cannot imagine life without them I live with a secret shame all my life everytime I think of them that when I was 17 I had an abortion that was the most horrible thing I have ever done I now believe everything happens for a reason this is a blessing for you Please Dont be Blind to it and have your beutiful angel I guarantee you will never regret it.


Mandy - August 8

Hi Dev,I understand you think this maybe your last chance at a baby,I am the same age as you,still childless with a husband who would like children,but I'm too scared.The thing is I believe that a child should come from two loving parents.You were only with this man for 1 and 1/2 yrs,there are women older than you having children.As you said if you have this baby then you would be tied to him forever.He may love the baby after its born,or resent you as you say.The thing is no-one on this list can tell you what to do,at the end of the day you must make the decision on whether you want to bring a child into the world when your'e alone,facing the demands of the infant,and then facing adolecence without support from a partner.If you have the child then you will love it immediately,thats natural.It is interesting though,I have spoken with people who have split,and re-married,and many have problems with anothers partners children,they don't really fit in,resentment again you see.A friend once told me they felt guilty because although they love their children unconditionally they feel the children is getting in the way of a relationship,and there are problems there,they want to get on with life but have responsibilitires.Dev,its a difficult decision,I sincerly hope you have a good life with whatever your own heart is telling you.


Dev - August 8

Mandy (and everyone who replied), Thank you for your words. You have made some very intelligent and logical statements. Mandy, I would love to talk with you via e-mail if you are so inclined. I know many people are telling me what they see as the very best thing and I appreciate that. Of course, I would love imediately love a child. However, when I look into the future as things stand now, I can only see a great deal of pain (for the potential child and myself) on almost every level and I'm sure I'm just "viewing" the tip of the iceberg. I am in agony over this decision CONSTANTLY. After more consideration, I believe you're right, Mandy, this isn't necessarily my last chance. Regardless, I remain torn and very exhausted from having to make this decision on my own. Thanks again.


Lisa - August 8

Get the boyfriend out of your life as much as you can. I know it sounds harsh, but he obviously is not in this relationship for anyone's happiness but his own. If you do care for him still, think of it this way: you'll be doing something that's good for him too if you separate: maybe it will help him move on too. But don't expect him to come back. There are so many better men out there than what he sounds like. Don't settle for this kind of relationship. You and the baby deserve better. It sounds like you're going to have some legal issues coming up, but stand firm, don't lose you're cool--that'll work against you. Keep a journal as others have said. Seek help from family, church, agencies, hotlines, check the internet for support groups...anything that will offer support, knowledge, and strength. Remember, the stress you feel the baby feels. Get away from it as soon as you can. The baby is 100% worth it. My son, born when I was 43, was the best thing that ever happened to me. You'll be a great mom, you can do it. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There's lots of people who are wonderful and will rejoice with you instead of harra__s you as he does.


Pamela - August 10

Dev...whatever you decide please leave the guy who is verbally abusing you and making your life a living hell. I agree that contacting Planned Parenthood is a good idea. They might have a lawyer on staff that helps them help you. Nobody can see the future. This may or may not be your only chance but you will have to live with whatever you decide. You are already protective of this baby and think of it as your baby or you wouldn't have been fighting with this decision for the last month. Your decision was to keep it...why? And your decision not to keep it is based on a selfish man who apparently doesn't care about you, your feelings, or anything that might inconvience him. I decided to fight the odds and keep this baby. As the pregnancy has continued my battle has gotten better, but it got worse before it got better. I feel bless everyday that I have this baby.You seem like a strong person and I know you will make the right decision for you and your unborn baby.



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