HELP He S NOT The Baby S Daddy

14 Replies
Mari - May 14

Help! My boyfriend told his parents he and I are expecting a baby... but he didn't tell him he's not the biological daddy (but really wants to be treated as if he were)- I'm 21 and he's 25 and ready for a baby (we were on and off again when I got pregnant but for sure I told him it wasn't his)- he wants this so bad but MY parents dont think it's good to (as my dad puts it) "decieve" his parents into thinking it's there REAL grand child. What should I do? Should I let my boyfriend take on this responsibility (since he really wants it)- should I make him tell his parents the TRUTH??? (but even HE doesn't agree with the truthas it may be- does that make sense), DO I just let him love me and "his daughter" as he wishes or should I expect him to FACE the deep reality? The baby's daddy is no longer in the picture he chose to "Deny" everything the MINUTE he found out (but wrote me ONCE to say he knows it's his). <~~~ I gave him the chance to be there, even my boyfriend was okay with the real dad's presence. Any advice is GREATLY appreciated!

 

trish - May 14

I see a lot of problems in him lying to his parents. What if the bio father shows up and starts trouble? what if God forbid something happen and the baby need some blood or something and he isnt a match and neither are you? what if the baby looks like this other guy and they see him some where? what about the baby he/she will need to know 1 day that she/he has a bio father out there. what if he/she comes across the info when they are later and everyone finds out it was all a lie? do you two think that his parents would be against him staying with you if this isnt their sons baby? Dont you think that seeing their son love you and the baby and being with you and being happy would make them happy? He could always adopt the baby if the bio father signs his rights over. You two need to think long and hard about this and think about all of these questions I have written. It will be far more damaging if they find out later that this isnt their biological grand child. You two might consider giving them a chance before you just lie to them about it. How do they treat you? do they like you? how long have you and their son been together?? Good Luck in whatever decision you make.

 

m - May 14

sounds like a rough situation you're getting into. All I can say is that telling the truth is always the best thing to do in the long run.. Ohterwise, you'll be lying a string of lies on and on and on. Just tell the TRUTH. No surprises and you'll live a much better life. So will EVERYONE around you. Yes, if BF is sincere he'll love this baby just fine, if he's not sincere, well, you'll have to cross that bridge eventually. But at least all involved, baby included won't be lied to. One lie leads to another until FINALLY the truth does come out. Best wishes.

 

Dr. Phil - May 14

1. You are an adult so be one. Make your own decisions and stop expecting your parents or people on a forum to make them. 2. Have you had a DNA test? Are you 100% sure this is not his baby? 3. He is an adult, why would he lie to his parents? Mature adults face reality and are honest. It's the only way to avoid problems. Be honest. If anyone has a problem with the truth, they will eventually get over it. You two aren't little children anymore, don't act like one. 4. What difference does it make whether or not a child is a REAL blood relative if it is accepted and loved as a family member? You're creating more drama than you need to with this lying and decieving.

 

Mari - May 14

Dr. Phil I wasn't asking anyone to MAKE my decisions, I simply asked for ADVICE- and I felt really hurt when you "told me to" be an adult when I'm trying my hardest to be mature about the entire situation and it's not easy (when your 20 years old and ALL of a sudden you find out your pregnant froma guy you only had a 30 day fling with. We aren't lying to his parents- He said "my girlfriend is having a baby so I'm going to be a daddy in October". We don't plan on NEVER telling them the truth, my boyfriend feels like he want's them to bond with the baby BEFORE telling them that way they DONT distant themselves from DAY one. The bio father wont show up and won't have "rights to sign over" (technically) because I will be putting my BF name on the birth certificate. The only way the bio dad will have rights is if he fights for those rights and demands a paternity test. I know for sure it isn't (my bf) his (no DNA test needed) because I fell pregnant when he and I were not together and NOT sleeping together. (so the chances of my BF being the bio dad are slim to none). His parents will NOT be against their son wanting to raise this baby because his father married his mother when she was 8 months preg with him (and he doesn't care to know his bio dad since he thinks of his dad as dad). One lie cannot lead to another if no ones lying, we're just taking things slow in "breaking the news" to everyone. I feell like I'm "raining on his parade" by reminding everyone that HE's not the REAL dad.

 

***News Flash*** - May 14

Speculations seem to arise that would make one wonder if %-\ is really none other than .... tada ... Dr. Phil? Stay tuned for further updates.

 

trish - May 15

I dont think I would put the bf's name on the birth certificate. That will be something the baby will see and what happens when he/she finds out you lied to him/her? It is a lie when you choose to put off telling the truth in fear of a bad outcome. ie. rain on bf parade. what about all of the other problems I mentioned in my first post? and you would be surprised what an ex WILL and CAN do when others get involved and learn he has a child with you. dont underestimate him just because he took off and denied things in the beginning. He has rights too and can turn around and fight for them at any time. you even stated this: (but wrote me ONCE to say he knows it's his). Just be careful and really think about it before the baby get here and the lies start. People get hurt and the baby is 1 person I am talking about. you said >"His parents will NOT be against their son wanting to raise this baby because his father married his mother when she was 8 months preg with him<" then why does it matter now if your bf just tells them the truth? they were in the same situation so I don't really see the problem. well good luck

 

Mari - May 15

trish , it goes back to the whole "bonding" thing for my boyfriends parents- he doesn't want them to treat the idea of him having a baby any different when they find out it's not his. As far as the "name on the birth certificate goes" it would be like him adopting the baby without all the added expenses and he and I have both agreed NOT to lie to the baby but to offer the baby a stable household with mommy and daddy instead of a single parents stuggling household- My boyfriend found out he had a diff dad than he though (when he was 13), at that age he was able to comprehend the fact his dad might not be his but that dad was the ONE to give him everything a child needs from a DADDY. My baby will know about her real daddy (I even wrote her a little letter on the back of one of his pics for when the TIME is right)- but if she's raised in a strong houshold of love, honesty and warmth than she will be strong enough to not only face the issue but to choose whether or not she wants to search for her real father. I don't underestimate the bio father, but to tell you the absolute truth, her dather is in jail and will be serving quite some time for some added up misdeameanors/felony- so I don't worry too much about his "harming" the situation, he knows I will make a great mother and even he has trusted me to make some big decisions concerning the well being of him, I and my boyfriend (the babys father was my best guy friend at one time before he got caught up with a drug whore girlfriend). Honestly, I think he would want me to provide a father daddy figure for the baby (Especially when he can't for a looooong time). I don't plan on LYING to any one right now- the truth is just taking a long time to COME out.

 

Maleficent - May 15

my concern is that if/when his parents find out the truth the one who is going to look bad is YOU. not their son who lied to them. i garuente they will see him as a victim and you as a lying s___t. the sooner their son tells the truth the more time they have CHOOSE wether or not they want to be a part of the babys life. tricking them into thinking they have a grandchild is immoral.

 

Dr. Phil - Maleficent - May 15

*applause!!* well put. You are acting immature and like children making such a dramatic issue over this. Put the truth out there to everyone involved in the baby's life NOW, BEFORE it is born. Keeping everything out in the open is the best policy. Put the baby's REAL father's name on the birth certificate, anything else would be foolish. The bio father may well decide he wants to be a part of this down the road so stop trying to deceive everyone and pretend like everything will work the way YOU want it if you tell all the right lies and falsify the birth certificate. Why are you making such a big deal out of the truth?

 

minx - May 15

For a 'Dr. Phil'- you are too wordy :-). To Mari: Ask your boyfriend to tell his parents the truth-- and he can also tell them how much he wants the baby to his as the reason for his omitting this info before. Tell him this will not be a secret to anyone and people will know that he is more a man for it if he took up the responsibility. No other way. IF he doesn't, tell him that you will sneak in the truth to his parents when the situation arises.

 

Mari - May 15

To Dr. Phil thanks for your advice but I'd rather not recieve any from you- it's not constructive and all it really does is push my self-esteem to the floor, (plus if I don't put my BF name on the birth certificate I won't put any instead I'll just let the baby carry my last name) Thanks anyways- To Minx your advice really did help and I did tell my boyfriend to tell his parents the truth as soon as possible, it's in the best interest of the baby for everyone to know the situation now, plus there's plenty of time for me and my boyfriend to have a baby of our own (many years into our relationship) and he def. will and does look like a better man for taking on so much responsibility,

 

minx - May 15

Good to know. It definitely sounds like you have a keeper there. Good luck.

 

NG - May 15

I too think your boyfriend should tell the truth, I can undersatnd that it may be hard for him. But for him to truely accept your child as his own he neads to let his parents know. If they want to be involved with there sons life then they will respect his choice

 

Mari - May 16

Thanks for all the positive advice, I have been telling my boyfriend to tell his parents the truth but he hasn't but promises he will (in his words) "soon enough" (but when is soon enough?). He's not too happy about having to tell them it's not his, because (in his words) "to me it is mine, like I am yours". I'll def. keep you undates, but I know in the end things will work out for the best because a baby is "a miracle meant to bring joy" and his parents won't be able to deny that :)

 

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