So Frustrated -pg119715086947

7 Replies
xvkx - December 8

I am getting so frustrated with my current situation I am seriously considering adoption if things don't begin to look up by the 8th month. I need advice though on whether I'm just over reacting or if adoption really would be the best route to take for the sake of this baby in this situation. I'm currently 19 weeks along. When I was 8 weeks I had a threatened miscarriage and was put on bed rest for 6 weeks. My employer slacked off on sick leave so I ended up losing my apartment. I moved in with my boyfriend, who is currently living in his mother's house (his mother does not live there though) with a family friend, who rents a room there. We don't have a room so we have our bed set up in the living room to sleep. My boyfriend makes about $200 a week, before taxes. Now, this isn't a very comfortable situation, but it would be bearable... if it wasn't for the following... The family friend doesn't buy food, except junk food, and just eats ours when ever he wants regular food. He also doesn't clean or do dishes. He has also allowed his niece to stay with us (despite being told specifically that she could not stay here again) and she doesn't do anything around the house either and doesn't have a job or money so we have to feed her as well as take care of all her personal items since she didn't so much as bring a hairbrush with her. They are both wasteful and careless, and she seems to have a radar that tells her exactly what food I need so she can gobble it up (and I do mean gobble it up... when she first came here she made an entire loaf of bread and a gallon of milk disappear in a day). I must admit I'm not very sympathetic towards her since this isn't the first time she has stayed here and the story is always the same - she sits around and doesn't even attempt to look for another job. This is further compounded by the fact that this is not the first time this has happened - the story usually goes that she gets a job, does ok supporting herself, then gets into parties and eventually "gets tired of it", quits her job, and comes here to supposedly look for another job only she never does anything but sit around here, and she has a 3 year old daughter that her mother has custody of because she can't care for her. Being pregnant myself and struggling like crazy to get it where we can care for our child... yah, I'm not too sympathetic. Neither me nor my boyfriend have transportation. His mother had arranged it so that the family friend was supposed to give us a ride when needed, but he doesn't do that and if he does he complains about it. We often end up walking to the store just to get groceries, and then we're lucky if we get to actually eat the groceries that we bought. My insurance from work has ran out and I can't get Medicaid because they require a proof of pregnancy - which I don't have and I don't have any way to get to my OB to obtain. Oh, and the health department will not test me either. I am also trying to get in to some form of online schooling but am not having any luck there either as it all requires at least some time spent actually going to classes or the campus and I don't have the transportation to do that. I've tried looking for work but the only work I can obtain with in walking distance of here requires a lot of lifting and standing, which I'm not supposed to be doing. I lost my previous job in the first place because my employer complained about me going to the bathroom too much (despite knowing I was pregnant) and taking unauthorized snack breaks so I quit and started getting sick every day to the point they fired me for bad attendance (even though they were the ones sending me home every day because I was so sick...). So right now I am broke with no medical care or transportation or work and stuck in a house that I have to clean and take care of for four people and to top things off half the time I can't eat as much as I need to or what I need to and I can't even sleep as much as I need to or when I need to because the family friend will stay in the living room all night playing video games or his niece will stay up all night watching TV, and I am in horrible shape due to all of this and I know it. I just don't know what I can do about it short of going to a shelter, which would break my boyfriend's heart because he is trying so hard and feels bad enough as it is I'm having to go through all of this and he can't do anything about it. And no one - him, I, his family, or my family - wants us to go the adoption route, but being pregnant under these circ_mstances seems cruel enough without trying to raise a baby in these circ_mstances as well. I can deal with it if things begin to look up before I deliver but right now they just seem to be getting worse by the day... every time we think we have a chance at improving one thing it turns out we don't, and I am just at a loss on what to do any more.


Rachel29 - December 8

Geeze, I'm sorry for your situation. Sounds like things are really tough for you, and it can't be easy living in a such a situation. I do work in the health care field (although on the administrative side of things, not directly with patients) and we are always making referrals to the Women's Health Partnership, (I think they are a national organization) that helps women without insurance get the healthcare they need if they have extenuating circ_mstances. Also, as for putting your baby up for adoption, that is really a call only you can make, but please remember that you will not always be pregnant and unable to work. From your post, you seem very intellegent and capable of finding a good job with benefits after the pregnancy. Maybe someone at the Women's Health Partnership can help you out finding a job after the baby is born, and also daycare if you elect to keep your child. My thoughts are with you. I know this is rough, so stay strong. Remember you are not alone, and there are lots of people out there willing to help if you ask for it. Keep me posted.


grow_up - December 8

Oh reminds me of when I was 18 and lived with roommates.....they're always such a pain. Have you thought of keeping the food in a small fridge in your room? If money is too tight for a fridge, you could at least stash unopened drinks, cans, any nonperishable food in your room. You can go to a planned parenthood clinic and I believe they will give you a pregnancy test for free. If you don't have one nearby, I'm pretty sure you can get a test done cheaply at a dr. office. The doctor or er that told you to go on bedrest for 6 weeks should be able to confirm your pregnancy. Try getting earplugs, a fan, sound machine, or even just a tape of soothing sounds like a babbling stream to play at night to drown out the nouse. You situation doesn't sound so horrible that you should be considering adoption, it just sounds like you're in a transitional phase that really sucks, your pregnant, and it makes you even more frusterated. It's not your job to provide for your roommate or his neice, so keep your things to yourself as much as possible and do NOT get anything for them. Just hang in there and try to adapt or keep trying to find a way out.


poo flinger - December 8

Why won't the health department test you? If they don't offer the testing they should be able to refer you to a free clinic such as planned parenthood who will do the proof of pregnancy test for you so you can get the paperwork started to get on Medicaid, food stamps, wic, and whatever else you might need. Its a lot of paperwork, and a lot of hoops to jump through - but it sounds like you could really use the help right now and that is what it is there for. As for the roommates, you just really gotta put your foot down. McDonald's is always hiring. Its not a great job, but this girl needs a job. Tell her if shes not employed in 2 weeks time, she needs to find a new place to mooch. Time for her to grow up and take care of herself. They both need to be contributing to the household if they are going to be living there and consuming your things. You can't support 4 people on $200 a week. They can pay rent to you guys, which should be an amount that everyone sits down and figures out what everyones monthly expenses are (for the house - i.e. food, water, electric, gas, rent (if you have rent that is) etc... not counting personal bills such as cell phones or whatnot) and divide that number by 4. Both the cousin and his niece should each pay that amount to you guys to help out. That's only fair. Life isn't a free ride, and it sounds like these 2 seem to think they can just mooch off of you two forever. I had a situation like this before and finally had to just learn to put my foot down too. If they aren't pulling their own weight, tell them to hit the road. You're not their momma, and shouldn't have to raise them. They also need to help out with their share of housework. Make a chart, a__sign chores, and demand they get done. Everyone needs to do their part for things to work out. GL!


gabby509 - December 9

I am so sorry for your situation and especially for the fact that it is making you feel this way. First of all, you need to kick that leach of a neice out of your house. If your boyfriend won't do it then you have to be the b___h and do it. I had a similar situation with my fiances sister, she was a total leach, paid no rent, ate all of our food, came home at all wierd hours of the night, lost custody of her 3 year old because she wanted to party, and worst of all my fiance didn't have the heart to kick her out. So I had to be the bad one and do the dirty work. It sucked alot, and I felt like I would be hated forever, but in the end it was the best thing for us. Also, why is your bf only making 200 a week, before taxes? If he is only working part time he needs to step up to the plate and get a full time gig. Also, I know it is way easier for me to sit here and tell you what you need to do, rather than it is for you to do it, but if you love your baby, then you'll have to do what is best for you and your baby. If that means adoption then that might be the route you need to go. Also your family has no right to tell you whether or not to choose adoption when they are not helping you at all. If they want to have a say in your decision they need to help you. When I got pregnant I also did not have any health insurance and I just called my local hospital and asked for any rescources that they could help me with. They sent me to the free clinic and had me get a proof of pregnancy and then I went from there. I know you feel hopeless, but there are resources out there, especially for pregnant women. I wish you all the best, stay strong!


xvkx - December 9

Thank you to everyone for your responses. :) <br><br> Rachel29: I checked out the Women's Health Partnership and it doesn't seem that they have any resources near me. And I must admit the adoption talk is mostly just because I feel guilty - my mom was in a similar situation with me when I was little and I don't want to put another person through the same thing. But I also realize that I'm a lot more resourceful and ambitious than she was... so I guess it's just something I will have to see on. After the pregnancy I do believe that even if I have to take care of the child by myself I am capable of doing so. <br><br> grow_up: Part of living here is that I have no privacy except for the obvious cases (like undressing/dressing in the bathroom, lol). There are no Planned Parenthood clinics where I live, just the health department. There are no free clinics either. The health department does free pregnancy tests but they told me I couldn't get one once they found out how far along I was, and I have no idea why. I'll try earplugs tonight :), I hadn't thought of that... I'm just one of those people that can't sleep with noises. <br><br> poo flinger (lol at screen name): Like I said, I don't know. They just said that it wouldn't be possible. This is a rather backwards town so there's no telling.... I may have just gotten a new person at the desk or something. I have managed to find a "loophole" of sorts though - I found out the state I live in offers an online application process for food stamps and Medicaid, which I have completed. Unfortunately I do not have any authority here to tell anyone what they should/shouldn't do. Like I said this is my boyfriend's mother's house and his mother lives in another state. Believe me, I would be stepping up to the plate quite a bit if this was *our* place and not hers. Due to that the only thing I can do is complain to her... and that would get them both kicked out for sure... but my boyfriend has asked me not to say anything to her because he doesn't want to see the family friend get kicked out or his niece wind up homeless. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't dump me or anything like that if I did complain... but he would probably be really hurt... which would upset me in turn to have hurt him and gone behind his back like that. The most I can do really is keep trying to talk him in to doing something, anything, to improve this situation. The rent idea once again is nice but it's not our house and the family friend already pays rent to my boyfriend's mother. I could make a chore list... but I doubt anyone would pay attention to it as they don't even care they're making a pregnant women do all the housework right now as it is. Chore lists tend to be for people that want to do their fair share, not people that don't care from the start. ;) <br><br> gabby509: Once again, not our house. My boyfriend is only working part time because that's what his boss specifies, and he has tried asking for more hours with no success. He takes on other people's shifts when ever possible and goes in to work early to try to make extra. A full time gig is hard to come by these days any where (and not just in this town) because no business wants to provide health insurance. We're just fortunate right now that his work is close enough for him to walk to and he makes above minimum wage.


xvkx - December 9

Ok, does anyone know how to make a space between paragraphs in these forums? BBcode?


Rachel29 - December 9

Hi xvkx, I just wanted to say that I totally know what you mean.about the housing situation. We had to live with my in-laws for three months back when we had just graduated before we got jobs, and it was awful. It's like you have no say in anything that happens, because well, it's not your house. I remember several times my mother-in-law would have overnight guests, and I'd be bannished to the couch to sleep, and I was always expected to cook and clean for them while I was there. Not that I disagreed with it. Afterall, I was living there rent free, but it's really hard when you're under somebody elses thumb, and have to live under somebody elses rules. Even if your boyfriend's mother isn't actually there, she says others can live there, and you don't feel like you can tell them how to manage their own property. I know it must be hard to live like that when your pregnant. I just hope you can get the help you need with the food situation, and getting medical help. Have you gone to your local hospital? They might be able to a__sign you a social worker. Hope things get better. I know for me it did just as soon as I moved away from my in-laws! I hope your boyfriend can get something that pays more soon, and you guys can get your own place. Good luck! 800 dollars a month certainly is stretching it!



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