Hunny, I feel for you, you must be scared to death, I remember being 23 as well and the world is such a scarey place, my sister also had two abortions and am familiar with her pain.
My 6 year old little girl Emily died of an intestinal virus with an onset of cardiac arythmia just a few weeks ago, I'm completely devestated by my loss, a loss I could not have possibly conceived until AFTER I held her in my arms for the very first time, she was my only child, I'm still greiving and will be forever for her, I know her only as a precious gift, too good to be true because I always felt that anything good in my life has always been taken away.
I came here originally because I wanted so badly to tell anyone thinking of abortion and plead, I will treasure that little baby in any mother who just cannot take care their child.
You see... I never wanted children, ever there was never a dream to have a child in me. I too was "thinking about an abortion" but just could not do it. All through the pregnancy I thought I could envision the burden of this child, I knew nothing at all, she was my joy of all joys, my little sidekick, my buddy, my "little peanut" I so loved my little girl like I have never loved another. I moved from Pa to SC to Homeschool her, to keep her safe in my love, moving to the country we built our own farm where she had goats and chickens, and a handsome little potbelly pig named "Bacon bits", we started laying out a stable (she loves horses) built an inground pool because she loves to swim, she was such a little fish but prefers to be called a "mermaid". I'm an artist and I painted her room in fairies, mermaids, unicorns, elves, you name it, I have some online pics as well, I just adored my baby girl, I cannot tell you how gosh darn beautiful little children truly are, what they teach you, that they in fact give so much more then we can ever give to them no matter how materially wealthy we are or are not, they sure love their "mommy's" and when they call you, "momma" for the first time, there is nothing to compare their sweet voice to except an Angel from Heaven Hunny.
My heart is so empty now I yearn for her like I have not yearned for anything else... I'm a momma without my objection of love and affection here with me to lavish all the love I have inside me for her on. I'm devestated by such a great loss, I know she is irreplaceable, I wish everyone knew this about children. My only consolation (and it is my only one) Though I have great faith in a wonderful God and cherish the love and grace that proved itself in my little girls life and the innocence and affection that grew in that kind of fertile soil. I'm glad that she will be my "little" angel forever and not grow up in this hard world, I longed to only protect her little precious soul and keep her in her innocence, its this light in children that makes everything pail in comparison.
I've been looking all week into adoption because I might not be able to have another baby, my heart aches, my void is immeasurable, and my life is so dark without her in it, I'm completely broken hearted, I can do nothing but cry, if only those who carrying children were able to know what they hold within them before they made their decisions they would never make the decision to do so.
I realize there are different situations, like many I cannot even phathom, but those of you who can sit for a moment and think, there are those of us who have no illusions about having a child, who are not "dreamers" in our decisions to "test out" our parenting skills who have lost a child and can't have another and would lay down our lives for the child you hold within you, please remember your child and "us" as well so that you can perhaps make another choice the one your conscience might dictate. Then you will not only know you helped your child but another whose heart would be devoted to his/her wellbeing and would only desire their best interest and know there are those of us heartbroken because we cannot find ourselves in the position you might be dreading right now.
I'm looking at the process of adoption... and I'm so depressed, 15 million children over in China because of the "one child law" and what happens to them in the "system". The Lord desires us to care for those in this kind of distress such as widows and orphans, yet the system makes this such a long lengthy process and children overseas suffer the most. This cannot be how God designed it.... This is so so sad. If I could hop on the next plane and bring them back today I would do that right now but unfortunately there are profits to be made at the childrens expense and government hoops to jump through, I dread the whole process, I wish it were easier to help children. My hearts completely crushed.
God bless you Hunny and may your heart make the best decision, I'd tell you right now, if you can't have this child, I would so love to adopt him/her, I sure wish I could be pregnant right now.
Hugs to you
Kim Rees S.C.