My Husband Doesn T Want To Have A Baby But I Do

471 Replies
waiting - October 16

My husband feels pressured because I want to have a child. It's so hard not to talk about it because it is what I want so much. I have several friends that are are having babies or just had a baby. One thing I find helpful it to get excited about their pregnancys and new babies. I tell my husband about their exciting news and how I am truly happy for them. He see's how my eyes light up when I talk about them and knows that that's what I want too, someday. For now, since he isn't ready, we can spend each day enjoying each other and growing closer. Maybe, in some ways, If I just stop bugging him, only talking about other babies once in a while- not the one I want to have, it will help him not feel so pressured. When I feel the need to talk about having a baby I need to talk to a girlfriend or go for a walk, just not be around him because I know the more I talk about it the more he pushes me away. He isn't ready and I need to try and except that. Ahhh, It is easier said then done. But I am really trying. I'll let you know if it works.


My Life - October 20

Oh My Gawd! Leave him is the worst advise I have ever heard! Talk to him and ask him when he thinks that he would be ready. Go to coucelling, but dont just give up on a marriage without seeing his side of the story. He might be afraid that he will be a failure as a father and he just needs help getting over his fears. I am in the same spot you are, but I would never dream of leaving without spending a day in his shoes, and coming to a compromise. Marriage is forever, this is not a new problem that women are having, we are just not afraid to voice our issues anymore.


Daphne - October 29

one thing is not wanting a baby and another is not making love to you. you guys need to talk


laura - November 5

I am so ready to have a baby and my husband isn't. How do I understand his point of view and how do I help him to understand mine? We aren't getting any younger.


???? - November 5

Aren't these basics stopics that should have been discussed prior to getting married?? I know tht if my husband didn't want the same things out of life that I did, we wouldn't be married-kids included. Many divorces occur because no one considers theses things before marriage.


Me - November 5

My husband was the same way, not wanting to have kids at all. We were in a place in our lives where the insurance was amazing and he had a good career. Trust me he will come around. Mine, thank god, did. He said I know we aren't finacally ready (his job ended) but age is creeping on us. It seemed like the more I nagged the more he got mad. Hopefully your husband will come around.


laura - November 5

My Husband and I did talk about having kids before we got married. We both want them... I am just ready before him. We have a wonderful relationship. I know he will let me know when he is ready. I just have baby brain right now and it's hard to wait for something that is so important and always on my mind. I know bugging him about it creates anger, so I won't do that anymore. He knows I am ready, so I just have to wait for his "I'm ready" too. Some people have a hard time with change... my husband included. Thanks for the advice!


addison - November 7

I'm at a loss along with all of you. My husband and I did talk about having kids prior to marriage and during our first 3 1/2 years married. Now, in our 4th year, he is saying he doesn't want kids at all - EVER. He's 36, I'm 28. I'm lost and don't know what to do! He brought this all up in June, I didn't talk about it for 3 months then broke down in September and said I needed to have kids. He told me then that he wanted to be w/ me so he would have them. Now he is back to not even being willing to have them to stay w/ me. He's wonderful w/ kids but is freaked out and I don't know what to do! Any advice???? I feel for all of you...


helpme! - November 7

I have been reading all of these blogs...I sympathize with all of you going thru this b/c I am too. My husband and I have been together 6.5 yrs and married 4 yrs. We always both really wanted children until he changed his mind about 6 mos. ago. He freaked out b/c he loves to travel and be carefree, also we had a couple friend who lost a baby due to premature and a genetic disorder. A month ago he said he would have kids if it meant being able to stay w/ me but he has freaked out again and says he can't do it at all - even for me. We have decided to drop the subject for a bit...I am seeking counseling and we will revisit it soon. Is this right...not sure what to do. I'm 28, he's 36 I want a baby now but also know I have a little bit of time but not willing to wait too long.


amy - November 7

i am in the exact situation as you...i am trying to find answers just as you are and so far all you can do is talk to him the communication between you two isnt what it could be (the same in my situation) and you need to fix that before concidering bring in a baby. if you cant talk about things like this then maybe a baby at this time isnt what you need. im concidering councelling maybe a few sessions i dont know what it will take but like i said if the communication isnt there then the baby shouldnt be either. not right this minute anyway. and i am applying this to my situation aswell.


helpme! - November 9

Amy - Did you both talk before marriage about having children and you both wanted them? What exactly do you mean by keeping the communication open. I'm not sure whatelse to do b/c I feel our communication has been open....we just both feel differently unfortunately. I can't get past that he's changed and he says he can't go back! How long has this been going on for you?


for anaonmy - November 11

You have a lot of women in the same boat as you who feel for you. Maybe counseling is the answer- but hey- that's pretty expensive too. Before we got married, the church had us sit down and talk about this stuff, but only if we wanted kids (not how many) and when- and we were in agreement at the time- wait 4 years after marriage and then see. But now I want another one and he doesn't . Arghh... Guys tend to worry so much about money and they also want to be able to have their freedom. My hub does contribute to the household, but not nearly as much as I do- he always has to have his "me" time- you know what I mean. It's a lot of responsibility to have a kid. Sometimes I think that it's better to just have an "accident" on purpose, but then my conscience gets the best of me. And it's true that that's probably not the best answer, but neither is being miserable because you feel like he won't give you what you want! It's like you just know that he'll be happy eventually with a wonderful kid following him around and looking up to him and running to him shouting "Dada!!!", but he can't see that far into the future. I even tried making a pros and cons list of having another baby to see his point of view and to help him see mine. That did help a little- now he doesn't think that I'm an emotional basket case anymore because I presented the information in a factual and logical way. He is agreeing at least to have another baby "someday"- just not now. But I went off the pill and told him that he can be responsible for the birth control for a while and he's ok with that. That way at least when he is ready, I'll be all set to get down to business! It's like you don't want to pressure him, but the inner drive to have a child is so strong and intense. Those hormones are so awful to us sometimes ! Plus, if you're like me, it doesn't help any that you love him so much- I mean if you didn't love him that much, you wouldn't want to have a baby with him. But sometimes you can get angry with him too. I already have 1 kid, and I do 99% of the childcare already due to his work schedule, so I feel like- what's your big problem with having another one- I do most of the work anyway! And I truly don't mind that- my child and I have a very close bond. I understand all of you too that see babies and bellies everyplace. Like four of my neighbors are pregnant and we just found out that his sister is expecting her second. It hurts sometimes even though it makes you feel bad to be jealous- I don't think you should beat yourself up over feeling jealous or angry. It's not your fault. I don't know how I'm going to face the holiday season with having to see all these pregnant people all the time. I know I can't fake sickness to get out of going...but it's tempting. I just cry and cry everytime I think about it. But truly, I would have to agree that you can't force him into it. You have to talk about it even if that's upsetting. Does he not trust you that he won't even make love to you at all? That's the number one concern here. If he doesn't trust you- you two need to work that out first. I would set aside a weekend together to talk just about this topic- no distractions. I hope for your sake that he doesn't feel like you only need him to get you pregnant like he's a sperm factory and you're the baby machine. You have to make him understand that you love him and that you want to create a life together as an expression of your love and as your best creation together. Remind him of the good points of fatherhood- like running around the house and playing with the kid. Try not to get all emotional in front of him all the time (although somtimes the tears are hard to hold back). Remember it's like dating- if you call him 1 thousand times after the first date he'll probably get scared of you and think you're a crazy lady. Unfortunately for the guys who need convincing that having a baby is really a good thing- it's kind of like that too. Play hard to get, be s_xy around him- make yourself irresistible. Guys are still very h__y people. But don't make having the baby the focus of your relationship as hard as that is. I really hope things work out for you and everybody else here. Take care.


Zoe - November 21

I completeley understand where you are coming from. My husband agreed to have children I got pregnant and 3 months later hes telling me he is not ready to be a dad and that we should abort. I really didnt want this to happen but felt that I couldnt bring a child into the world whos father did not want it. A week after I got out of hospital, he tells me we made a mistake and should have kept the baby. I was devistated. We talked about having children in the future and he agreed. A year later we got married. We discussed children again but he just kept making excuses,saying I was too fat to have kids....Im only a size 12. Over the years the subject has been brought up and still he wont answer my question. He just replies I dont know and wont even look me in the eye. Three years have since pa__sed and Im now wondering if I should leave him or just get pregnant. If he gave me some opinion as to why then myabe I could understand....until then im not sure what to do. Im almost 33 and hes almost 30. I think Im starting to resent him.


j - November 22

Zoe - your expierence is a little different. I think your DH is afraid and very guilty to what happened in the past. I would honestly give him an ultamatium. Let's do this together, or I walk and find someone else. Get counseling together so you both can get over the past and possibly have a future. If not, then you will resent him and end up doing something you, he or both of you will reget later... Good luck!


Zoe - November 25

Thanks for the reply J. I really appreciate your honesty. Ive given him an ultamatium that if he doesnt want children I cant continue with the relationship, Im now waiting for his answer. I do love him so much. I suppose I was waiting for time to heal. Its such a tough decision to make. Marriage makes things so difficult. I'll suggest the counceling route when he arrives home this evening. Thanks again. Z.


artie - November 28

S_x is a part of a healthy marriage. Remember s_x does not have to result in pregnancy. So there are really two issues here. A0 Not haveing s_x and b) not wanting baby. Denying a prtner s_x is uinhealthy and ground enough to decide this is not a relationship worth salvageing. Couple that with your desire for a baby and his resitance and it doesn't seem like a healthy situation. Never force a man into having a baby, everyone will suffer.



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