My Husband S Into Porn And It Bothers Me

17 Replies
Mary - May 6

We've been together for 7 years, married for 2. There have been very few times that we've actually watched p___n together but he has always said that he wasn't into that kind of stuff. I loved that about him. We always had a great s_x life. There were times I would get into bed though and and say to myself "please just let him go to sleep tonight". Now we never have s_x. I haven't lost any of my desire, I am a very s_xual person. Then right before we got married it all turned to c__p. On the rare occasion that we do have s_x it's the same thing, and so short I could probably hold my breath through the whole thing. About 2 years ago I found a match book from a strip club in his dresser drawer. Then not too long ago I found out that he went out and had a secret bachelor party at a strip club. (I had told my uncle ) I'm not sure if this is something worth spending all of the energy getting angry over. Then I came home one night and he had been at the bar with some buddies. When I got home he was passed out on the bed butt-naked with p___n blaring on the television. Wait... that's not all. COMPLETELY ON ACCIDENT (because he never logged off) I found 2 emails that were p___n related. One of them adultfriendfinder.com and something about latinos XXX. The last one saying he's been a member since July of 2004. When I confronted him about it he just lied and said that it was only once he was online looking at pictures, and that was the only time he watched that movie. But I know he's lying because I've had suspisions in the last year or so. I have bad self-esteem as it is. He's not the type to be complimentary or help make me feel good about myself. So this is where I'm at, he's not having s_x with me, watching p___n movies and websites and lying about everything. That's the part I have a problem with. I know lying as a first instinct is quite common but I just found out I'm pregnant with our third child and I find myself not wanting to be with him anymore. I feel totally rejected and alone. I don't know what kind of marriage we have if he just can't tell me the truth. HE KNOWS I KNOW. Is he in denial? Or am I? What am I doing, or not doing to make him need to look at p___n instead of me? Please help....

 

BE STRONG! - May 6

Wow...well I would completely freak out over the matches and the strip club thing! I have a really good way to flip the situation around on my husband when it comes to stuff like that. Always make yourself seem irrisistable. Ask how he would feel if you had a guy's ma__sive "dong" in your face at a strip club. Tell him to picture you laughing and loving every minute of it...ask him how that would feel. Also, I do have a suggestion...instead of getting mad...withdrawing...and "b___hing" about the p___n, how about you watch it with him. You can laugh at certain parts, talk about what turns you on...say how nasty, brown, and flabby the girl's worn out "you know what holes" are and act like no big deal. Also, play yourself up like..."oh, I could easily do that position"...or "if I was a p___n star, I'd be a WAY better actress". Please don't let him treat you like you're an old shoe! Keep it hot, go places like the mall, and don't call him...let him call you. Spice up the s_x life by suggesting a d____o! Also, next time you're fooling around...GIVE HIM INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO TOUCH YOU. Making demands can be quite s_xy. Good luck, and if he's cheating or LYING...Tell him..."See ya', I can find someone WAY better!" Then see what he says.

 

NELLY - May 7

WHATS THE DEAL WITH SOME GUYS YOU CATCH THEM RED HANDED AND THEY STILL LIE. THEY KNOW THAT YOU KNOW AND THAT YOU DONT BELIEVE THEM AND THEY DO IT ANYWAY. I JUST DONT GET IT I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH BUT SIMILAR THINGS I HAVE FOUND PORN ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT OCCASIONS AND HE LIES. I KNOW HE IS. AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO BAD ABOUT YOURSELF LIKE YOUR NOT s_xY ENOUGH FOR THEM. I WOULD NOT LIKE IT AT ALL IF MY HUSBAND EVER WENT TO A STRIP CLUB. I DONT BLAME YOU FOR FEELING THE WAY THAT YOU DO BECAUSE HE MADE YOU FEEL THIS WAY AND IM SURE ITS HARD TO TRUST HIM AND YOU CANT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT TRUST AND I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE MY HUSBAND LOST MY TRUST A FEW YEARS AGO AND IT WAS TERRIBLE AND IT LITERALLY TOOK YEARS TO GET IT BACK. YOU DONT NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL UNATTRACTIVE AND LONLEY YOU ARE A GREAT WOMAN AND YOU ARE HAVING YOUR THIRD CHILD TOGETHER AND YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND NOT LIKE YOU ARE BEING TREATED. I KNOW IF I WAS IN YOUR POSITION I WOULD PROBABLY END UP LEAVING BECAUSE IF HE GOES TO STRIP CLUBS AND HAS HAD A SECRET BACHELOR PARTY THERES NO TELLING WHAT ELSE HE MIGHT DO. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK AND BE STRONG. IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT I HAVE LEARNED IT IS NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER.

 

man - May 7

as a man, I will tell you that "most" guys watching p___n has nothing to do with how they feel about their partner... then, again, it could mean everything... we're too simple minded to make it complex, trust me... his lying about it, though, is way off the scale of unacceptable... as a general rule you should be open with him and tell him what you expect, otherwise he'll use that gray area as an excuse to keep doing it... if you can't get him to be honest, there is something bigger wrong...

 

Jbear - May 8

My husband's really into p___n, but it's never bothered me. I think most men have this compulsion to see as many naked women as possible in their lifetimes...I don't think they're really fantasizing about having s_x with the p___n stars, it's just something to look at. Men are more visual than women, we get more turned on reading a s_xy book than watching some poor girl pant and moan and fake orgasms while some guy with a bad haircut and shaved pubes is pounding away at her. But a man will take a movie or pictures over a s_xy book anyday...it's not a rejection of you, it's just male instinct. You can make p___n a part of your s_x life as a couple, so he won't feel he has to hide it. Go to the video store with him and pick out a movie, watch it together...Also remember that pregnancy plays with your emotions worse than PMS, and you might be more upset now than you usually would be. (Know how I've kept my hubby away from strip clubs? I always tell him,"Well, if you think it will improve your performance...")

 

Ummm - May 9

I'm sorry JBear, but I have to disagree with you. I think that watching p___n with your husband is not only wrong, but it's gross. You can't sit there and tell me that while he's watching a hot p___n star with huge, fake b___bs bang some guy that he doesn't wish he was that guy! No matter what you tell yourself, he's not thinking about you while he's watching that. And mary, I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I honestly think the best thing you can do is be honest with him and tell him how you're feeling. If this marriage is important to you, you have to be straight with him and talk about it. Otherwise, you're just going to drive yourself crazy thinking about what you're doing wrong, which is nothing. If he feels that your marriage is important, he will try to work things out. I hope this helps and if not, good luck with everything!

 

Jen - May 9

I'm sorry to say that all the signs are right in front of you-if he's not getting it from you, he's getting it some place else. I've never meet a guy wjo doesn't like to look at p___n-my husband loves it-BUT- he has always told me that p___n is a quick outlet for guys and that if your there and willing they aren't going to turn it down. So, if your trying, and he's not interested in you anymore, I'd leave. He's suppose to be the one man in the world who loves every inch of you and to be proud of it!!! Find someone who will. :)

 

Eve - May 9

It sounds like you and your husband just aren't communicating. A man is a man if he's not getting any from you he's got to get release somewhere. There is nothing wrong with your man going to a strip club or watching p___n. It is all fantasy. YOU are his wife. If you aren't satisfied with your s_x life and wish he would just go to sleep he probably senses something is wrong. Talk to him tell him what you like and don't like what pleases you. Even if it's embara__sing he's your husband I'm sure he would be more than happy to please you s_xually if you just tell him how. Don't feel rejected!! The p___n has nothing to do with you. It's just fantasy. If you really feel the relationship is over you should end it but I would try talking to him first!

 

Sara - May 9

I don't mind the p___n, as long as he watches it with me. Its the lying that p__ses me off. I had a husband also (well we're currently separated) and he always seem to be h__y ALL the time! I felt like he had a problem. I even caught him having phone s_x with young girls so many times on the phone. And how I found out their ages, was one of them called my house one day when he was gone. But he continued to lie about everything. Even when I caught his p___s in his hand in the bathroom having phone s_x. Well, now you see why I had to move on. The lies don't stop because they don't see what they're doing to us until you're GONE.

 

Emily - May 9

My husband has a lot of p___n also. I don't mind because I know it means nothing. He has always been honest about it. There is a diffrence between having p___n and being truthful with it and lying about it. You have to wonder what else he lies about

 

NickieDo - May 9

I also have to agree that its not the p___n that bothers me, but rather lying about it...or trying to hide it or cover it up (the way I see it is that If he tries to hide something that insignificant, then what else will he try to lie about??) I mean me and my husband have been to strip clubs together, I have no problem with it, but it bothers me when I'm home all day...I leave for a little bit, come home watch a movie and then leave for a lil bit again, then find out that he d'loaded p___n the minute i walked out the door both times, then pretended to be playing xbox all day. I know how you feel, with me its more of an insecurity thing and an old childhood thing that I will probably never get over. (My dad constantly cheated on my mom with YOUNG girls and would barracade me in my room so he/they could watch p___n while my mom was at work) It makes me feel as though hubby would rather fantasize about some other girl, than to be with me. Maybe even that he just "settled" for me. But those are all personal issues with myself, he has been good about listening and everything, but I have a long way to go and dishonesty just tears the wall down and busts the bricks up, making it harder to start over so I know where you are coming from, although my situation is a little bit different.

 

To Mary - May 10

I definatly think that you and your hubby need to talk about this. Having an open line of communication when you are married regarding your s_x life is VERY important. My hubby is a p___n freak. If I am not home, he will look on the computer or watch a video...it takes him all of five minutes to get off and it does not bother me because we have talked about it and I know that I satsify him s_xually. His s_x drive is through the roof and if he feels he needs to watch some p___n, I don't have a problem with it, just as long as he is not signing up for the web sites, (he only takes the free tours) or renting them off PPV. Talk to him and also you could surprise him with some dirty talk or something like that.....spice it up and try out some different things. Good Luck.

 

Lily - May 11

Mary, I'm sorry that you're in such a dilemna...I've never met a guy who doesn't look at p___n...I know my husband does because he has some on our computer. But I honestly don't mind it. I asked my husband once why he liked to look at p___n, and he told me because it was a way to relax, when I'm not around. I can understand being upset about the matches, because if my husband did the same, I know I would be too. But the emails are a borderline issue, are you positive they aren't just junk mail? You are probably right, he does know that you know. And until you say something to him, about how uncomfortable it makes you feel, he's going to keep doing the same thing. You need to talk openly about this with him. Tell him exactly what you've told us, that it makes you feel bad, unlove, unpretty, and unwanted. It's nothing you've done, it's what he's not doing. He's not paying attention to what matters the most. No one really likes to hear these types of things, or confront them, have you thought about counselling? Perhaps there's a way to "spice up" your love life that might interest him and you as well? I wish you the best Mary...But please don't blame yourself, because a marriage is a joining of TWO people. He has roles and responsibilities also.

 

marie - May 11

I don't think it is so much what he is doing but that he is lying about doing it. I personally would have a problem if my husband were going to strip clubs especially during my pregnancy when I feel fat and insecure. I dated this guy in my younger years who was obsessed with p___n. I wasn't living with him but stayed at this house while he was on a golfing trip and decided to clean his room for him (no I wasn't being nosy) I had dated him for a year and was always at his house. I was changing the sheets and found over 50 hardcore p___n magazines under the mattress and then in the closet I found a garbage bag full and no they weren't all old. I also found a letter to an X-girlfriend written while we were together. When he got back I confronted him and he told me they were his roomates and that he looked at them sometimes? Comeon. Anyway as our relationship proceeded we began watching p___n together. I wanted to see what the big deal was about then our relationship turned to c___p because all he cared about was p___n we never could do it without. He then started bringing home p___n almost every night and also started bringing home strap-ons, d____os and p___s enlarging devices. I also found out he was going to strip clubs and he slept with a couple other girls while we were together. Needless to say this relationship ended. It all began with lies and ended with lies. He obviously wasn't happy with only me. To make a long story short I guess our relationship had many problems and though he tried to be honest with me and I tried to give him what he wanted but in the end it still wasn't enough. I would just watch the lies. This guy I dated seemed like a great person he had a great family life good career and was well respected but turned out to be a real pig. We were engaged and I am so glad I didn't marry him. You need to talk to your hubby and get the issues on the table now. I think p___n is the road to infidelity but that is my opinion.

 

Ginger - May 11

MARY- I AM IN THE SAME BOAT!!!!! This may sound crazy, but I found out that my husband had posted ads on adultfriendfinder.com and was heavily into p___n!!!! I am pregnant with his THIRD child and because of the p___n, I told him that he had to choose between me or the p___n because I do not want him in the house around the kids if he is going to be a sick man. He choosed the p___n and left me! Normally, it would have hurt, but I love my kids and I know that with him being gone, it is for the best. I am scared though because I am three months pregnant and I am doing this all by myself! If you need advice, I am here!

 

Andysgirl - May 12

I kinda know how you feel too...my b/f has bought a bunch of p___n and is in his truck. He's a truck driver. The only difference is that he showed them too me and told me they were there. That doesn't make it any better though. I Feel like he doesn't find me s_xy and would rather look at the women in the p___n than me....I should ask him that....Ne ways we have yet to watch a p___no together I said that I would watch one with him. I have no problems with it. All my friends say that its just a guy thing. Guys look at p___n. If they can't get the real thing then they will settle for pics and their hand. We just got over a big 2 month separation. He WASN'T COMMUNICATING. He never told me how he felt. Just a__sumed that I felt the way he wanted me to. We fixed things now tho and he is willing to go to a couselour about it if I wanna go. Hope everything works out ok....I'll be praying for you!

 

...... - May 12

to Andysgirl...it's better if your boyfriend is looking at p___n than picking up whores at truck stops. If he has the p___n, you know he's taking care of things himself, and not paying someone to get him off while he's out on the road.

 

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