19 And PG How Do I Tell Them

31 Replies
Steph - October 10

Wow. Mike. Finally a man with good advice on this forum. Good for you!!! :o)

 

Lauren - October 10

I know a week together or 2 months is nothing compared to a lifetime, I'm totally aware of it. I just havent found anything I really dislike about him. I mean I know he is moody in the mornings, hates doing dishes, hates laundry, i'm opposite with all these things, so we have a good balance. I stay with him every wknd from fri night-sun night so for 3 days out of the week we do live together. We are very close, but not an un healthy close. I know divorce rates r very high these days, both us us strongly disagree with divorce. I know marriage is stressful!! And thats what I keep telling him, lets get used to the idea of being parents. No way could I be pregnant, and plan a wedding and than have a baby and deal with getting married... and i wont settle for a courtship or vegas wedding i want the real thing!!!

 

Mike - October 12

Any more news?

 

Kim - October 12

I just wanted to say that I also got pregnant when I was 19 ( I'm 22 now), and I was also SO SO terrified to tell my mom. But you know what? IT wasnt half as bad as I thought it would be. I just went up to her one day and said" Mom I need to talk to you. .I need to tell you something very difficult..." I told her, we talked about it and everything was fine. So anyways my point is that I know how scary it is , but just remember your parents love you and there reaction probably wont be what you expect. :o) Good Luck Feel free to email me if you need to talk anymore [email protected]

 

Becca - October 12

Lauren, I am glad you are really thinking this through, my advice to you is to seriously consider marriage only if you totally 100% want to, and even at that point I still think you should wait until after the baby. Having a baby changes everything. I have 2 friends who got pg when they were not married. The one got married right away, because she loved her bf, but he ended up abusing her and they eventually got divorced. Another friend got engaged, but they waited until 10 mos after the baby was born to have their wedding. It was nice b/c they had a very nice wedding and they even involved their son. He went riding down the aisle wearing a baby tux and sitting in a red wagon. It was really nice, and they are still happily married 3 years later. I know there is no magic answer, you have to do what is right for you, but I just thought I would share my 2 cents. Best of luck.

 

bean - October 12

First of all - Mike, awesome advice. You sound like a wonderful Dad! Lauren - I have to say congrats. Not only on your pg, but on your maturity, your confidence, resolution, and willingness to stick to what you believe is right. That being said - I'll add my 2 cents of advice. What I would do if I were you is sit down with your bf and discuss the "plan" that works for both of you. Tell him this baby is a blessing and you're so excited, but that doesn't change the rest of your life. You still want the surprise engagement, the beautiful white wedding, college, a career, etc. Let him understand that you don't want to later resent the baby for rushing you into marriage. He should understand that. I agree with the long engagement. But let him do it - let him get a ring (if you're into that) and propose on one knee. That's a great way to show his commitment. Then talk about money. Pretend that your family's fortunes didn't exist and you had to do this all on your own. How would you do it? You'll have to quit working, or at least slow down, when the baby comes, unless you can afford the high costs of child care (again, don't use your parents as babysitters). Figure out all these things on your own. Can you afford rent? Food? Baby stuff? Write it all out. Get on a savings plan. When you feel you've figured it all out, go together (this is really important) to your parents and explain. Say "we" have something to tell you. If you do it alone, they may turn on your bf as the bad guy who did this to their little girl. If you do it together, they'll see you as the mature and loving couple you are. Although I'm with Mike on the living together before marriage - a baby changes these things. I think you two should start looking for a place together (alone, not at your folk's house). Set up your family. Figure it out. Make sure your bf goes to your dct's appt's with you. Over time, you'll learn a lot about him and he about you, and hopefully in a few years you will be celebrating a wonderful wedding, as well as your college graduation, your new promotion at work, etc. It will work out, but it'll take some thought. I'll just mention one more time - by showing your family you can do it without their help will prove you're ready. If you pose it as a "and you'll buy us a house and give us living money" they may feel like they raised you wrong... they had to work hard to build their companies.. etc etc. You know what I'm getting at. Good luck!

 

Lauren - October 12

Thank you guys so much!!! I wish I could really tell you guys how much you have helped me... I serisouly read everything you guys say over and over and over again. I havent told them yet. I want to wait a little bit longer, I want to make sure the time is right. I want to make sure I know exactly what to say to them. I'll probably tell them within the next week or so.. thank you guys so much I love hearing the advice!!!

 

Lauren - October 12

I forgot I wnated to comment on a little about what bean said...I am veyr lucky my parents are more wealthy than the average household. And I KNOW my parents will not accept me not letting them help us out finacially. But I do want to be able to make it on our own. My bf already has a house to himself, so I know having a place to live wont be a problem. And he has alreayd started putting money away from his paychecks to help support us. I am so lucky to have him. And I'm so not sure if I should have him around or not when I tell them. I think I should because you guys are right, they will think he is a coward and they might turn on him. I want them to know him and I are going to get through this and we are going through it together. I really hope thye do understand that. I KNOW my mom will cry and cry and cry and my dad, well I imagine he would leave the room. I feel as if my dad will be more supportive @ first than my mom, which worries me that this might cause some serisou problem between the two of them. I know my parents are very strong thought but I would never want to do any harm to them. So I'm pretyt sure I'm going to have my bf there I think I need his support, but I also want him to be comforitable doing it with me! thank you guys so much!!!!

 

Lauren - October 12

one more thing haha I was just reading what I wrote and there are a TON of typos.. sorry my brain is going a little faster than my hands can type!!!! sorry!

 

Lauren - October 12

I just wanted this topic to go back to the top.. I would LOVE more advice :-)

 

Stace - October 13

Hey lauren im 19 too and suspect im pregnant. i really feel for u although our situations are kinda different... My family recently relocated to spain and at the moment have huge money troubles so really cant afford to help me if i am. i understand how u feel about letting them down i feel the same. I dont think they will be disapointed, just shocked and that will soon wear off. we are not children anymore and are both in happy relationships. if u are happy about being pregnant then im sure your parents will be happy for you too. In answer to whether u should tell them on your own or not is entirely up 2 u. i think if it turns out i am pregnant i will want my boyfriend to be there to support me and show that we are strong enough and committed enough to cope with a new baby.Good luck, be brave and take care. x x x Can u help me with early signs of pregnancy please? how did u feel? what symptoms did u have? post ur answer on the am i pregnant question my name is stace x

 

Stace - October 13

one more thing if u wanna chat some more and i could do with the advice from u with my situation as we are similar ages email me [email protected] x x x

 

bean - October 13

Lauren - are you getting the prenatal care that you need right now? How far along are you? You should see a dct for the first time around 8 wks. You absolutely should be taking prenatal vitamins (they have more folic acid and iron, which you need). You can buy those over the counter at any pharmacy. And of course not using any drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I'm sure you're smart and doing all this, but I know that the pg itself can be so everwhelming you forget the little things - like your daily vitamin. Hope you're feeling well. Get plenty of rest because those first few weeks you just feel like you've been hit by a bulldozer... you're so exhausted and worn out. That's awesome that your bf is so set up. A house by 23! wow... I'm impressed. Just don't forget to be young once in a while too.. You are only 19. Enjoy it. Don't be 30 before you have to be. :)

 

advice - October 13

lauren, don't be so down on urself... u r human and I bet u'd be surprised at the mistakes ur parents made when they were young. Yes, they know lots of people, but who's business is it ur preg? Honestly, its ur business, not mom and pop. What I am telling you is ur not a little girl anymore and its time to start acting like an adult. When u go to ur parents go to them as an adult, not a child, so maybe they can see that u r not that little girl they always thought u were. Wait to tell them until u r 3 mos or so, just to make sure you don't m/c. It is not the end of the world. Take ur bf with u, he helped put it there, at least they can see he is standing by you. Don't let them pressure u into anything u don't want to do. This is ur life not theirs, u make ur own decisions and its ok for their advice. I say this because I know girls who have gotten preg and their parents made them drop out of school and some even forced them to get married and the ones that got married r unhappy. If u never stand for urself, u will forever let others run ur life. You r a woman now, u finished highschool, they should be happy about that... having a baby doesn't mean u can't finish college, it justs makes it a little harder.

 

bean - October 13

I'd like to add to "advice" 's advice. It may make sense to wait till your first trimester is up, but if you're still on your parents' health insurance, you should go to the dct before 3 months and therefore you'll need to tell them. Don't hold off on getting care. If you have your own health insurance, then yah, do what's best for you. But I honestly don't know many women who can wait 3 months to tell their moms! I could barely wait 6 weeks! My husband and I were so excited we shouted it from the rooftops immediately. Of course there's a risk of m/c. But if you do (God forbid) m/c, you'll need medical attention, and you may want your parents' support through it all as well. Either way, it's an emotional time. Good luck!

 

Mike - October 13

Lauren, lots of advice. Again, the things that seem be in the majority's thought are: Tell your parents with bf present, don't do anything you don't want to, tell them early as an adult. My wife was 19 when she got pregnant. She ended up moving in with her dad and stepmom along with her bf. The dad was emphatic that he was not going to have 2 people sleeping together in his house that were not married. So, she and bf got married. She thought, like you do that he had it together. Then, that's when it started. He verbally and physically abused her. She had 4 children total with this guy in a 5 year period. After 5 years, she left and a big court battle ensued. Her parents didn't want to help. I ended up stepping in and walked through this with her. I don't say that to make me look like a hero, but she needed help. Her self-confidence was shot. Now, she is so much better and our lives are great together. We married in 1998 and have been married for 7-1/2 wonderful years. I only say this to again emphasize that people change and you don't know how this guy or you might change with the arrival of the baby and the stresses placed on the both of you. He might never change and stay true to form to what you know now. If so, you've got a great guy! There really isn't anymore I can add to what has been suggested. I think you know what you need to do and the two of you need to discuss how to tell them together. Sooner the better for reasons mentioned in other posts. I like what bean said. Even though the money and support might be there, you need to have an att_tude of self-sufficiency. Always have a plan B. If things go south, you need to know that you will be able to make it.

 

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