Anyone Ever Think Keeping Baby May Be Selfish

9 Replies
Renae - April 24

I'm going on 20 weeks and having a son. I'm 37 have 3 older children...I'm going thru all the motions, and I love this baby, but the truth is that while I've been seeing daddy off and on for 4 years, he keeps making it clear that there's no hope of us trying to do this together. (oh he says he'll be there for the lil guy, but never talks about him, doesn't go to any appts or anything) I feel very conflicted... I have the baby's room nearly completed, and loved to feel him move and such, but I feel like babies deserve to come into this harsh world feeling completely wanted and loved by both parents... this world is so crazy, is it wrong to want your baby to have any and all the advantages that it can have, even if you can't be the one to give them to him? I defenately don't want it to sound like I don't want my baby... but is it selfish not to give him up to a loving home that can offer him so much more than I can? Sometimes I know keeping him is the best thing... but then I wonder ... best for who? Him or ME? please tell me that any of you single moms have struggled with this and that I'm not just some soon to be unstable mom???


Cat24 - April 25

Renae you say you have been seeing this guy on and off for 4 years, is he married? it seems a bit odd that you havent either gotten together before then as it sounds like he has just been using you for the past 4 years so he is unlikely to want to be tied down with a baby. is this his first baby with you? its not selfish of you to want to keep your own baby, its perfectly natural. if you were to give him away you may regret it for the rest of your life. surely a baby with a loving mother would feel better to know that he didnt have two parents who werent interested in him.


Teddyfinch - April 26

i say it's not selfish at all. plenty of babies are raised by one parent and are given all the love the other parent could never have given them.


Grandpa Viv - April 26

A boy friend with big time attachment problems! I sense an inner conflict here. The maternal is fighting the practical. This child will have an OK family with a mom and three older sibs to look after him, but the financial and time constraints are something you already understand and are nervous about. First off, do the other children get to have a say in this - what is their input? Second, can you visualize the pleasure you will give some other infertile couple if you go the adoption route? Since you are mature and have kids already, maybe you could find an "open" adoption where you could watch the child grow from a distance. Good luck!


Teddyfinch - April 26

i don't think i've ever heard of a situation where a child would have a say in whether or not a mother keeps a baby. that's simply dumb. they will be old enough to live on their own soon enough and really have no say in whether or not their mother has another baby. if she wants to keep it, don't guilt her into giving it up. also, this is YOUR baby. whether or not it gives another couple pleasure isn't important. dh and i aren't exactly rich and have a flowing supply of cash, yet because we're pregnant, should we consider giving up our baby for adoption because of that? renae, it is absolutely your decision and if you want to keep the baby and you know you will love it as much as you did your other babies, then that is the right choice.


MelissaP - April 26

I think its a good idea to be open with the other kids about the option of adoption. I mean, they have a right to know where their sibling is going to end up. Its not really that far fetched an idea. They are going to be wondering what happened to the baby if the adoption route is taken. It might do some good to approach this as a family matter. Hearing what the others have to say could help you decide and they can give you the support and strength you need to carry on in which ever way. Your feelings are normal. You just want to give your baby everything that you dont feel bad about yuor thoughts!


Cat24 - April 28

teddy i agree with your point. i think grandpa's point that the baby will have an 'OK family' could come across as slightly patronising to Renae, almost as if 'you can't do any better than OK'. plenty of children grow up in happy, loving one parent families and this should not be patronised or overlooked. personally i think a happy family is better than a family where yes they may have 2 parents but they are not happy. i remember my mother telling me how overjoyed she was when her parents finally divorced because the bickering, abuse and negativity had such a negative effect on their children, yet people looking at them would have a__sumed 'what a happy family with 2 parents'. its not always the case.


COLLEEN084 - April 28

OK, let me start off by saying if you could raise and bring your other children into this "harsh" world as a single mom, than you can certainly can do it with this one. I mean, unless of course you had all three of your other babies w/in the 4 on/off years you were dating this loser. Then stop me if right here if thats the case. Anyways, I do not think adoption in this instance is in the best interest of your child. He will not only NOT feel loved by "both" of his parents as you wish, but he won't feel loved by EITHER of his natural parents. Why did mommy not love me as much as her other three children?? It's setting your child for a lifetime of whys and what ifs and I think that you should give your current child the same single-parent loving and respect you have given your other three.


Renae - May 3

Thank you for all of your responses. 1st off I will try to answer some of the questions that were asked...No, he is not married. He has 1 son that is 9yrs old. No I was not a single mom when I had my other children. I am a divorced mother of three. My other kids are older 19, 15 and soon to be 13. My 19 year old daughter is thrilled about the baby, and wants to help me in any way she can... but I don't feel it's fair to lay that on her. I've worked hard as a single mom to keep her in school (she's graduated now) get her into college, which she is, and to keep her from winding up a young single mother herself! to date I've accomplished all with her... my 15 year old son, really is kindof youngest son 13 threw a fit when I had mentioned adoption...for the person that mentioned the money, maybe I said things wrong, it's a hard road financially, but that's not what I meant... I more am referring to the benifits a child has from having both a mother and a father to balance out their life. Of course I know that I can do it, but is that enough... ? I don't think it's wrong to want my son to have the love and support of a strong male and female in his life. I know how hard it's been on my kids not having both...I have often wondered if just having me has been enough for them, and that's with dad in the picture (visitation and such) I think about these people that cant have children that have all of the stability that I don't, emotionally, financially, maritally...and it's just weighing on my mind. I should say I've come from an abusive marriage, and have seen my kids go thru hell... I watch tv shows like bringing home baby or a baby story, and that's how I envision what it should be like, and how I told myself if I ever had another child it would be... and now I'm here. I couldn't get an abortion (and yes I think that is a choice for each woman to make) this is just something I was wondering about... and clearly everyone has their own opinions...I just need to figure this one out on my own. Thank you everyone


docbytch - May 4

Renae....because you want this baby....and because biology matters...think of this: One day your son who you decided to adopt out will come looking for you....and they will ask you...."Why did you give me up???" We humans are programmed to seek our own genepool if denied the love of our own biological parents. Denied meaning--not exposed to it because the child was raised by adoptive parents. You love the baby. Dad may or may not come around to full participation.....but it sounds like he may at least be in the picture enough for your son to know him a little. IT BEATS THE ADOPTION ALTERNATIVE...while it is likely the adoptive parents would be very loving...nurturing...and give your son a good life as's just not the same. It's not YOU. If you were a druggie or total mess...I would understand it more. Oh..and if it helps at all....I am 40...and I have 2 kids of my is 21....and the other is just under 7 mos!! Good luck with your decision. You will do the right thing I am certain.



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