Boyfriend Of 12 Yrs Wants Nothing To Do With Baby

3 Replies
Karen - November 1

Here's my story: I am 32 years old and have been with the same man for 12 years. He is 39. Essentially I have given almost my entire young dating life up for this guy. 3 1/2 yrs ago we became engaged. Bought a house together 2 yrs ago, but he NEVER lived in it, instead chose to keep living with his mother. Behind my back he got into a business situation with an unscrupulous couple and put the house down as collateral. Needless to say, the people completely embezzled over $200,000 (entire amount of the business loan plus more) from him and now he has high court costs and everything added on. The house was sold very quickly this spring and the money was used to pay back a big share of the business loan to make life easier for him. The shocking thing to me was we closed the house on a Sat and on that Sun night he comes over to my parents house (where I am now temporarily staying especially since my mother is not doing well after my father passed away this spring as well) and he BROKE UP WITH ME! There was NO warning or anything. Well after talking for a few hours we decided we would give it one more try. This was back in May. Things were going well for us (or so I thought) for the next few months. Then in Aug I got pregnant. He is continaully sending me on an emotional day he wants to be there and do the right thing....get married be there for the child, etc. Then the next day he wants to call it off with me because "afterall, you shouldn't stay together JUST for the baby's sake" as he says. All through this time, he constantly points out ALL my faults and makes me feel like a terrible person. My self esteem is basically zero now and I am having a hard time just continuing on in a daily living. If I try to talk to him about his faults, it just gets thrown right back in my face to appear as if somehow his faults are essentially MY fault! We just got back from a 2 week vacation in which all appeared just fine. Then last night he tells me he still is not sure he wants to stay with me. He also says he felt empty the last 2 times we had if having s_x with me was wrong. I am so hurt, so crushed and feel so alone. This is a guy I have spent the last 12 years of my life with. It's been so long since I had even dated another guy and I just can't imagine being without him. Yet I am a basket case never knowing if he is staying for leaving. Please give me some honest opinions here! Karen


August - November 2

Karen, I have so been there. I had been dating my boyfriend for four years. We had been talking about when, not if, to get married. Then I got pregnant and he became a person I didn't recognize anymore. He told me that he wanted me, but not the baby. Our whole relationship he always told me that he would not rule out having another child -- he has two grown sons on whom he totally dotes and spoils. I told him that I was keeping the baby and this Bush supporter, professed anti-abortionist Christian said that he would not have a relationship with me or the child if I did. I told him that he was legally obligated to pay some child support -- and he blew up at me and accused me of not putting the relationship first, of choosing the baby over him. I tried for weeks to reach the man I thought I knew -- I appealed to his sense of decency, his love for me, for his current children, and he was heartless. So I told him I was having the baby with or without him. I think that's when it occurred to him that he would have an illegitimate child in the world to embarra__s him in front of his Evangelical family and far-right conservative friends and he folded. IAt the time though, I thought it was because he realized that he loved me and that we could raise the child together in a loving home. But then I had a miscarriage and he, I think so relieved that there would be no physical evidence, ended the relationship. The day after I had the miscarriage he broke up with me. I know how alone you feel. There are few things lonelier than going through a pregnancy without support. Neither my boyfriend nor my family supported me during the pregnancy or after the miscarriage. I am still reeling over the loss of the baby. But I have some wonderful girlfriends who brought food and flowers and took care of me -- my own sisters did not. Sometimes we don't find love and understanding where we expect it, but there are always people who will help you and love you. I know that you have invested so many years in this relationship, and it is healthy and understandable that you want to respect that investment and not frivolously throw it away. But it sounds as though the man you are with will not be a stable, dependable father in your child's life. Now that I have lost a baby, it is even more clear to me that they are truly to be cherished. I see people with babies and I wonder if they know how lucky they are, how blessed. The man you are involved with is hurting you -- you can still love him and be understanding of him, and even forgive him (I myself am working on doing these things toward my ex-boyfriend) but you owe it to yourself and to your baby to move to the light. You WILL absolutely find love again; you are young (32 -- you're practically a baby yourself!) and obviously emotionally strong to have endured. Don't set a bad example for your little one by continuing a relationship that is extinguishing the light you have inside you. It is easy to feel sad and alone and think that if your current relationship fails, you will never have another one -- or another satisfying one. This is not true. The world is so full of fantastic people and they are attracted to each other. Be one of them and you will be with another one before you know it. Cherish the life inside you; I envy you that. Best wishes to you and your little one. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. P.S. I went ahead and bought some maternity clothes, and I haven't had the heart to return them. They are brand new --still in the unopened box -- two dresses, size small. Let me know if you want them at my email: [email protected]


Fiona - November 3

Hi Karen. I don't know if your boyfriend is unable to make decisions and stick with them, or if he's being really selfish. But he sounds to be very unreliable. I understand completely how some men can really rip our self esteem to shreds. I know that feeling, and I think in the long run you'd be better of alone than with someone who makes you feel rotten about yourself. And it's never going to be good for the baby either.


Karen - November 7

Thank you both for your opinions. I had never imagined myself in this kind of situation since I really thought he loved me, but obviously he doesn't anywhere near as much as he does himself. I am trying to be strong and live my life without him. It's just such a hard thing to do! Karen



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