CS Or Not Confused

6 Replies
mom2b72 - May 8

I am 33 and financially stable. BF is 23 and not. We had broken up 2 days prior to finding out I was pg. After a couple weeks, we decided to try and work it out, and that did not last. About 1 1/2 months ago, he told me that if he couldn't have exactly what he wanted for visitation (from day one of birth), then he didn't want anything to do with baby. I had always told him it was up to him to be involved or not. I never wanted child support as I do not need it and did not want him to be involved just because he had to pay child support. Now, I am thinking, since I am sure that if he had to pay, he would want to be as involved as possible, and would be a wonderful father (he already has a 2 year old), maybe it is worth it to let the state go for child support. If that is what it takes for the baby to have a great dad in his life, is it maybe worth it? I still am hoping that he will get to the point where he will call me and want to be involved. However, if not, should I try and "make" him be involved by going for cs?? My outlook is that the best thing would be for the baby to have both parents in his life. I know that I can work with ex in a mature manner and if he can not do that, then the attys can always do that. I am just trying to figure out what is "in the best interest of the baby"!!


April - May 8

Honestly... I'd go for child support either way because the baby needs at least financial support from both of its parents. If you don't need the money... then put the money you get for child support into a high-yield bank account for the baby. Then you could either use it as a college fund for the child or give it to the child when they are older and ready to set out on their own. As for the father... he may eventually come around, or he may not. Either way it's his loss. I wouldn't give into any demands he has. In my situation... the father said he wanted to be there for the baby.. but didn't actually come around until our daughter was 8 months old. So it may take a while, but I'd never rule out the possibility of him wanting to see his child. Some guys are just pig-headed and think they'll be able to get what they want by using "all or nothing" tactics. You can't "make" someone be in a child's life... and you shouldn't have to, it's a complete waste of time and energy. Your baby will be fine with or without the father... just concentrate on being the great mom that it sounds like you're gonna be.


MystinaAlise - May 8

i honestly think going after child support if you dont need it is only going to make him resent you... i dont think it will have a positive effect on his relationship with you or the baby because that baby is going to be a reminder of you... i wont go after my BD for child support as long as he is doing his part because i know this would only p__s him off... and just because he has to pay child support doesnt mean he will come around as a father...


mischelly30 - May 9

I agree with Mystina that getting child support from him is not going to "make" him be a good father, and may actually make him resent you. His good parenting skills with his two-year old also doesn't mean that he'd treat your child the same way...he may or may not. I personally wouldn't let "all or nothing" demands like the one he gave you pressure me into commiting to anything I wasn't comfortable with...most likely he is just trying to pressure you into doing things his way, and won't go through on the threat. I think most courts have some type of standardized visitation schedule for newborns, so it's doubtful he'll get the extensive visitation rights he's expecting. Also keep in mind that in most cases, visitation and child support get filed hand in hand. And, I'd advise not doing anything without a court order for visitation, as otherwise that will leave you up a creek without a paddle if he decides to be a jerk and take off with the baby for whatever reason. It sounds like all this went down pretty recently...how far along are you? If you have a while yet, there's no need to rush things. Perhaps taking significant time apart to think things through (no contact for a few months) and then discussing the matter closer to the birth (or after the birth) would be better. I know a lot of women on here probably wouldn't agree, but in my opinion I feel it's often better for the child to not have an actively involved father than to have a half-a** involved father who is sometimes committed, sometimes not, and almost always resentful of the situation. Just because kids pick up on A LOT of things, and I've worked with a lot of dysfunctional teens who had semi-absent fathers.


mom2b72 - May 9

mischelly--I guess I don't really mean "make". I just know that if he has to pay cs, he will want to be involved. We actually have not spoken for about 6 weeks now. We live in the same town, and I have a feeling he will "come around" on his own anyway, but like I said, I originally had made the decision to not ask for cs, because I wanted him to "want" to be involved on his own. However, I am sure he will be a great father, and that is what is best for the baby right??? I am actually not sure if I will need to do anything anyway as I had to use the states a__sistance program to help pay for medical stuff, so they already have all his info(ssn, etc.). I am pretty sure that once the baby is born they will somehow get him involved on their own, but I am not possitive. As far as him resenting me, what he feels about me is of no concern to me. It is all about the baby and what is best for him.


sara b - May 13

I forced the CS issue. Unfortunately my DD's father still rarely comes around and when he does all I hear about is how broke he is and what not. THen he'll turn around and tell me he wants me back. Yeah he does, cuz then he wouldn't have to pay support. DUH!!! If you can go it alone then let it be his choice. When you need something ask him to get it and pretty soon you'll get a clear picture of just how involved he wants to be. I wish you luck.


Been There - May 14

This is just my personal opinion, but I don't see child support and the relationship with the child going hand in hand. Just because you don't "need" it, doesn't mean he doesn't have a responsibility to take care of a child he helped to create. So many women let men be irresponsible just because of their threats or worrying about how he'll react. If he truly cares about his child, it will not be based on paying or not paying support. It will be based on him actually wanting to be in his child's life. Honestly, why care if he will resent you or not because he has to take responsibility? Why should you be the only responsible parent in all this? If he gets upset over taking care of his child, then you may want to question what you ever saw in him and if you really believe he's a wonderful father. And if he truly wants to be in his child's life, he'll take whatever arrangements he can get in order to do so. If he's going to be a wonderful father, he'll just do it and not base it on what HE wants when it comes to visitation. Also, please don't think child support forces the issue of being involved. Lots of men pay it but don't ever see their children. I agree with April, let the money build a college fund for your child. You've given the father the option of being physically and emotionally involved, leave that up to him.



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