Father To Be Quot Unsupportive Quot Is An Understatement

6 Replies
Bimko - February 16

I'm 39, he's 43. We are obviously not children, and are pretty well established in our respective lives. Friends of friends, I've known him for 6 or 7 years, and we kicked it up to "more than friends" a year and a half ago. Because I always wanted a big family and he didn't, we decided not to become exclusive and would see other people, but our relationship was otherwise too much fun to end without good reason. Then the "whoops". That was nearly 20 weeks ago. Expecting the worst, I gave him a "get out of jail free" card - deny paternity, nobody ever has to know, and I will have no expectations - but he said he couldn't do that. Then he asked me to leave him alone to get his head straight. That was nearly two months ago. I knew his reaction wouldn't be good, but not even I could have anticipated this. The handful of conversations I've had with him since have been devastating: Do you want to see the ultrasound pictures? No. Will you come to the next sonogram? No. Will you be there for the delivery? No. Will you come furniture shopping with me? No. Do you want to know the s_x? No. Do you want it to have your last name? No. Do you want your name on the birth certificate? No. Do you want to help choose a name? No. Do you want a say on ANYTHING? No. ...Well then why didn't you make this easier on both of us and just deny paternity? "I wanted to do the right thing." -- ????? How is saying "no" to every fatherly obligation the "right thing"??? He finally admitted the reason he's so distraught is now this ruins his hope for the idealistic little husband-wife-kid future he envisioned for himself (good luck with that - again, he's 43, and this is the longest relationship he's ever had). I tell him over and over, if he's only going to have one child (which he swears he will), then it's on its way, and he needs to step up and be there for it. Our parents are all thrilled - this will be his mother's first (and probably only) grandchild. She is the only person in his life making any effort to make him feel good about this. Unfortunately, his friends and brothers have the most influence over him, and they pound it into his head repeatedly that fatherhood is a miserable, life-long jail sentence, and that I somehow did this on purpose for a share of his money, which is, frankly, preposterous. He is a real miser, so I know that is a huge concern to him, but as long as he's willing to help out in other ways, he can keep his stupid money. I've pretty much given up any hope of salvaging our former relationship, but it is so important to me that we stay amicable at least, and that I not grow to hate the father of my baby. What does he need to hear to help him not only accept the situation, but maybe even actually start to look forward to being a father? I will be so grateful for any words of advice or encouragement...


friendtilthend - February 16

Bimko... I was in a situation that was kind of the same. My son is now 10 yrs old never seen his dad. I am now married to a great husband who has raised him like his own since he was 2. We could not have asked for a better father. I did not understand his way of thinking when everything happened. I was extremely hurt after knowing him for 10 yrs and growing up together. However, I have always offered for him to see his only son and he had denied. But life went on and my son grew up. His family does not see my son. Once in a while a gift show up for him. But what I am trying to say is it was hard to accept at the time that he was out of the picture, however I got through it with the help of family and friends. Maybe he will come along later. Hang in there...... Good luck


KristinTone - February 16

This is quite a hard situation you are in can I ask are you in love with this guy? Do you want to be with him? If not cut him off don't give him any more info on your baby he doesnt deserve it. I think you should still keep in contact with his mother it sounds like she is genuinely happy for you. Reach out to those around you for love and support like your friends and family. You do not need this jerk his negativity isn't healthy for you & your baby. Also take him to the cleaners and slap him with child support hopefully eventully he will come around and realize what a jack a__s he is being.


mommybabyboy21 - February 16

wow your situation is almost exactly like mine except I am 23 and the father is 26. but I gave him the get out of jail free card and he didn't take it. but anytime I ask him about the baby he says No actully he just up and stoped talking to me. His mother is really excited about the baby...I feel bad because two weeks ago I got mad at the father and cut his mother off to spite him, because he lives with her and will talk to her about the baby and gives her the thrid degree about the baby but if I say anything he acts like he doesn't care. So I got mad and said if he really doesn't care then he gets no information. I hate to do this...because I feel like I am intruding on your advise page but...do you think I should contact his mother again. I mean she was so happy about the baby? And his brothers and friends are just like his...they said I got pregnant on purpose and father hood is this life long sentence. They actully call me up and call me names so I changed my number and that is actully how his mother got cut off too. But I don't know if I want to contact her again I am afraid of the verbal abuse from my ex's friends...sometime it really hurts me. Even though I know I did the right thing. once again sorry to intrude on your thread its just like wow I am reading my story only you guys are older but almost verbatum.


myiysis - February 16

I was raped almost 2 years ago by a group of guys. I was slipped a dape rape drug. I went to the poice afterwards but the only thing they wanted to do was make me feel like trash. They took picture found brusing aand ripping. they filled the report I knew the names and addresses and phone numbers for them. I returned home unsure of who i was and what I was. Soon I found out I was pregnant and contacted an std. Felling so alone at this point I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I am now fighting many battles with my self esteem but when I look at my 9 month old daughter. I know everythings going to be ok.


Bimko - February 21

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of enouragement. I think the thing that complicates this the most is that the father and I run in the same circles - he is my best friend's brother-in-law, and to keep him out of my life completely, I would have to get rid of most of my closest friends. I don't know if I can do that. I don't really WANT to cut him off - just would rather my child have no father than a bad father. Friendtilthend, thank you for sharing your story - it is rea__suring to know there are others who have been in the same boat and had happy endings, if not the endings we expected. KristinTone, I do love him on some level, but never saw myself growing old with him, in the "partner" sense. The little devil on my shoulder likes the idea of making him my baby's personal checkbook (a__suming he refuses to support me in other ways), but am worried that that will only push him further away - although I do plan to ask for some help, if not all I am ent_tled to. I would never cut his family out either (his sisters-in-law are also very supportive), and mommybabyboy21, I think your cutting them out that way just to be spiteful is wrong (since you asked), and two wrongs don't make a right. Obviously, if there are other concerns - like if you are concerned about you or your baby's safety, then that would justify cutting them out of your life, but not if only just for spite. Myiysis, thank you for sharing your story and for your words of encouragement - I am certain when I finally get to meet my little baby that all the rest of my cares will just slip away. Best of luck to all of you as you raise your wonderful little blessings.


springbaby - February 21

Same situation here. He keeps going back and forth as to whether he wants to be there or not. I made the choice for him to reduce the stress and the hurt from how he treats me (a pregnant woman) Funny how you can receive all of the support there is from friends, family and coworkers but the only other parent that the child has not willing to lift a finger. Some men can be very selfish when it comes to their feelings.



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