13 Replies
s706 - November 10

I told myself years ago that I would not get involved with married men due to the fact that I would someday want a happy marriage, well here I am STUCK in a hole that I have dug for myself. I have known this man all my life, he attended my family's church and as a child I always found him attractive, but I thought of it as just a childhood crush. Well I am now 29 and just moved back to the area and he is still as fine as he was back then, only now he is married and a DEACON in this church. For a year I stayed my distance, but after so long the temptation was just to much to bear. He approached and its been on from there. OH HE IS 22 YRS OLDER THAN ME!!! We have been s_xually involved for the past 6 months and I am currently 5 months pregnant. He is riding the h__l out of me about getting an abortion even at this point in the pregnancy. He says that I am destroying his life, I dont care about our relationship at all, that he thought I loved him and if I did I wouldnt do this to him. He says I dont give a F%^ about his FAMILY( WIFE, and 26 and 17 yr old) He says that he will be embarrassed to be a deacon in the same church and cant acknowledge his child. My concern is that this also effects my family because this is a close knit community and my mom and dad grew up with this man, so it shines abad light on them as well! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? SHOULD I ABORT AND MOVE ON? SHOULD I KEEP IT AND BRING SHAME TO MY FAMILY AND HIS? SHOULD I CARE ABOUT THE EFFECT ON HIM? HOW DO I BREAK THIS OFF, BECAUSE I AM REALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN?? HELP!!! HELP!!! HELP!!!


Franny - November 11

Wow this is a mess indeed. If your family, community etc. is that judgemental, then perhaps adoption. Sounds like your child is already stigmatized and of course no child deserves that.


mommybabyboy21 - November 11

YOUR BABY IS ALIVE AND A PERSON THAT CAN ACTAULLY LIVE OUTSIDE OF YOU. I suggest moving away or giving the child up for adoption. IF HE REALLY IS A DECON IN THE CHURCH then he should know better. WHY IS HE ONE GOD DOES NOT EXCEPT TWO FACE PEOPLE all of his work is in vain...and if you have the abortion then in GOD's eyes you will be a MURDER on top of an adultery. READ Exodus 21:22-25 and Psalms 139:17. YOU ARE 5 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!!! I am sorry that is a life. THERE IS NO WAY OF SAYING IT ANY OTHER WAY sorry to be such a b___h but someone having an abortion this late in the pregnancy is wrong and for a man of supposedly god to ask this of you just infuriates me more!!!!!!! That man is the reason why people turn away from god they see the hypocrisy of what he is doing and thinks God condos that. Just know that man unless repents and really confess and takes responsibilities for his mistakes that GOD will punish him. You are in the same boat.


karyn - November 12

I agree with mommybabyboy21. I think you should check out adoption agencies. That way you can make sure you provide a loving home to your baby. I'd also make sure to cut off any ties with this married man. He's made his intentions well know, that he puts his family above you and the baby. It will be hard, so hang in there. Just remember you DESERVE someone who loves you, who will take care of you and your baby. Best wishes.


s706 - November 12

Franny, its not that my family is judgemental it is just that they would rather it be someone else that is not married. I agree, I wish it was as well, BUT ITS NOT!! They aren't happy with the circ_mstances of how this baby was conceived but because it is of me they will love it and accept it. BUT I WANT MY BABY!! Thanks for the comment it is truly appreciated!


s706 - November 12

mommybabyboy21, I have seriously thought about moving, but I would have to uproot and start over again with a new baby. My family although not pleased with me at the moment are very supportive they just have to get pa__s this initial b__w. If I move I won't have that kind of hands on support that I feel I will so desperately need. As far as my walk with God. I am wrong and I pray for forgiveness. I pray also that God gives me the strength that I need to be the best mother I can be. As far as adoption I could never do that either. I feel that God wants me to learn a lesson from this and through this lesson which will be a hard one, I will also receive a blessing which is my child. Thank You for your comment, it is very much appreciated!!


s706 - November 12

Yes I need to cut off the ties with this man, but what I am hoping to receive from you all is ways of doing so. I don't know if its the age difference between us, but it is very difficult when talking to him for me to get my point across, I think he banks on the fact that I have a big heart and that i love VERY HARD. And because of that it is hard for me to find the right words and actually spit them out in fear of hurting his feelings or causing him to say something that will hurt mine. I am tired of crying Karyn and this ENTIRE situation is causing tremendous stress to me and this baby. Yes I brought this STRESS UPON MYSELF, but I am screaming for some HELP!! Thanks for the comment, It is very much appreciated!!!


mommybabyboy21 - November 13

I think since you can't say it to his face then write a letter saying everything just write and write and write. I know God will forgive you and I couldn't give up my baby either, I was just giving suggestions anything but abortion. You made it sound like the whole town including your parents weren't support of you then I thought you should move but IF your parents are supportive STAY they will be the best help for you. I got pregnant out of wed lock and my boyfriend/finace was still in college, we were to get married after he finished college well my birthcontrol failed, he told me to get rid of it or it would ruin his life, that we needed to wait for him to get out of college. he tortured me, begging me to get rid of it the whole time I was pregnant saying things that the DECON says to you, I just want to say I am sorry for what I wrote I mis-read or I just focus in on the word abortion and 5 months pregnant and couldn't get off that fact and that a man who actaully is suppose to be a decon would even say such a thing. Anyways, my ex intimidated me too. I just wrote everything down that I wanted to tell him and then I gave it to him. He didn't appriated it and actually threaten to kill me because of what I said...which is one of the big things he did that help me get over him. Because let me tell you I was MADDLY in love with him and it broke my heart. I wanted him so bad because he was my first love, I lost my virginity to him and was with him for over 3 years. I thought he was the one and I knew I was doing wrong when I slept with him but I thought we would eventually get married. Anyways soon you will feel your little one move inside of you and just focus on him/her, and once that little person is with you it will help you so much to get over the DECON. My son helped me so much to get over my ex. My son is 4 months old and the love of my life. I still miss the "idea" that I had in my head of how my ex and I would have ended up. But I have deciede to focus in on God and my son and I pray to God ever night to strength me, and pray for him to help me grow, and I pray that he gives me a man when he thinks I am ready. So I am waiting on him now, and just focusing on My son and God. Sometimes I miss dating but I wouldn't give my son up for anything. Oh and my parents have been great, they begged me to move back in with them and they love their grandson so much. My Grandfather is an elder in our congergation and he was so disappointed in me but now he has even accpted me back and the congregation have been great with helping me. I pray that you fine your congregation accpets you and that the DECON gets what he deserves, that is unless he repents too then he should also recieve forgiveness. Sorry I am so long winded. Hope this helped.


s706 - November 13

Please believe me when I say, I have thought of doing just that, writing him a letter, but I thought he would think of it as being childish, and with the age difference between us already thats the last thing I want him to think. BUT in the past writing down my feelings and pa__sing them on has doen wonders for me, even if it was just to free my my head of the thoughts. Thank you for the advice, it is very much appreciated!!


HeatherIsHopeful - November 13

I can relate... I know almost exactly what you are going through right now... I was involved with a man who was 20 years older than myself... my dad and him were in the marine corp together and he was the reason my parents split up (my mom slept with him while married to my dad) anyway many many many years later after I had not seen him for a decade he came back and I "fell in love" a couple years later... when I turned 18... he sent me a message and it was history from there. I ended up moving in with him and his wife and told my parents that I was living with them because I wanted to go to college in that state and they were helping me out. his wife knew about us and didn't mind (they didn't love each other, just stayed together out of convenience and what not. by my family COULD not know! my dad still hated him for breaking up my family and my mom still had feelings for him. anyway I should have known he was trouble from the start but I was young and naive. he told me everything I wanted to hear.. that he loved me and wanted to have a family with me bull c___p. anyway my point is he knew what he was doing and what the risks were, he should be less concerned with this "image" and more about his child furthermore what kind of Deacon or any servant of God could go on with his life with out righting the wrong and telling the truth. it will effect his life and may end his marriage but thats the price he should pay for his mistakes. this burden shouldn't be only yours to bare. Your family is wonderful for supporting you. Im goad you decided to keep it but don't hide the fate that it is his child to save his "good name" He needs to be held accountable and his family deserves to know the truth. good luck! -Heather<3


HeatherIsHopeful - November 13

wow there were a lot of typos in that last message.. Im sorry, I was just typing so fast.. I just want you to understand that what he is doing is wrong and justice needs to be served. His family deserves to know the truth and he needs to be held accountable for his actions. You seem like a great person and that child is lucky to have you as a mother. good luck.


Lauren2006 - November 25

Hi there! Just want to offer some words of support. It looks like this guy cares about himself more then he cares about anybody else, including you and the baby. can you go away again? I had in the past an experience of being really in love with somebody who was only interested in himself, his own career, his status, his games etc. The only solution is to go away. i realize that this is really difficult when you are pregnant, but being next to somebody who asks you to have an abortion to save his face really does not help. It is hard to go away from somebody that you love, but it really will be for the better, it will not be so painful anymore. if you can not afford to go, make him pay for "saving his face" and covering your relocation fees and try not to give him the address. When the baby will be born, he/she will be your baby, not the one of your parents or the one of this man and you will meet somebody later in your life who will love both of you..


anfmom - November 27

Dont get an abortion. He should have none better and thought about it before he had s_x with you. I can't tell you how to break it off with him b/c i to can't seem to get away from my married man who planned this baby with me and now doesn't KNOW what he wants. But im a hugh b___h and called his wife and told her (if she got my message i dont know) but mine is less complicated then yours he left her months ago. But he needs to do whats right and being with a church how could he say get an abortion???? He needs to tellhis wife the truth and deal with whatever is coming. After the baby is born maybe he will come around. My ex BF is 13 years older then me I dont understand whythese boys cant grow up. I wish you the best of luck!


xvkx - November 27

At 5 months... abortion? No! At that point it is a lot riskier for you not to mention you're killing an almost completely developed "fetus" (honestly you might as well call it a baby at that point, there are premies that are born at that age). You've also got so many pregnancy hormones floating around inside you preparing you to be a mother that such an act would be potentially devastating to you emotionally (not to say what you're going through currently isn't!). Don't let him blame you for his share of the responsibility either! If *he* loved *you* he would've never even risked putting you in this kind of situation... and that also brings up questions of how you feel about yourself to be with someone like that but we won't go there... Go the adoption route if you think that this situation will be affecting to the baby or that you just cannot bear it. And obviously... dump him. He sounds like an emotionally abusive and manipulative guy... I've dated them before... the best you can do is just say no and stand there and keep saying no until you get your point across (and yes, it needs to be face to face). Put in earplugs to prevent him from talking you out of it if you need to. ;) He may throw a temper tantrum and cry and anything else he can think of to try to persuade you out of it... he may even threaten you... you just have to stand your ground. You mentioned that you are big hearted... learn this well: you cannot even begin to care for/help others when you're in bad shape yourself. You have to take care of your needs first before you can come through for others... and your needs aren't being met. Right now he's demanding more out of you than you have to give and he's not giving anything back to "replenish" you.



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