How Do I Decide

5 Replies
onmy4th - July 24

I am 8 1/2 weeks pregnant with my 4th child. My first 3 are from my ex-husband and are very excited about this baby. The father of this baby and I dated for three years and then when we split he got a 19 year old pregnant the first time they slept together. He kept telling me that I was the love of his life and that she was a mistake but that he had guilty feelings of ruining her life. He told me that he was leaving her once the baby came but he didn't. Everyone that knows us says that he loves me and she is just an obligation to him. We have seen each other off and on and right before I confirmed I was pregnant he married her. He said it was to leave me alone and because he didn't want another child to be raised in a broke home. Once I told him I was expecting he has told me that I am the one he should be married too and that he's divorcing her but I have caught him in a lie and I have decided that for my sake and the well being of the baby that we cannot be together because he can't seem to make up his mind: obligation or love? My problem is deciding whether to let him go to doctor's appointments and whether or not to let him know the well being of the child. Any advice of suggestions on making this decision is welcomed. Thanks....


iona - July 24

My my what a mess....Sorry! If he is interested--and hopefully he is!-- then I would allow him to be as much involved as possible and hopefully it is on a constant and continual basis. I would not take him back....heck talk about sloppy seconds : ) How old is he and does he also have other children....?


onmy4th - July 24

He is 34 and yes he has a daughter that is 13 from a high school sweetheart, a son that is 5 from a previous marriage, and another son that is 6 months with the now 20 year old. My problem with letting him be involved with pregnancy is that he will continue to try to play mind games with me saying that he loves me and wants me back but I'm afraid that if I don't let him be involved with the pregnancy that he won't bond with the baby. I am also worried about how she will react to this baby because she can't stand me. She is a very good mother and a very good person she is just young and dealing with all this and she is very naive to his lies right now. I don't think she would ever do anything to physically hurt the baby but I think she might neglect it out of spite and not to mention the stress that is going to be involved when the baby goes for visitation. She will be 21 by then and wanting to go out to clubs.....trying not to think to much into the future but can't help it.


gummibear - July 25

The fact is, regardless of his stated intentions to you, he was engaged to her when you became pregnant. No matter that he was with you first, you are in essence the 'other woman'. Therefore, I'm not surprised that she cannot stand you. I don't mean it in a mean way, just as matter of fact. You haven't exactly acted well towards her, knowing she was pregnant and tossing her aside as 'an obligation'. You wouldn't want to stand in her shoes; no woman would. From the facts, she didn't ask for this drama, and frankly, he ought to have chosen obligation over love (aka her over you) and stuck with it. But he didn't, because he is selfish - not because he is in love with you - and now all parties suffer. Looking at his actions, you are right to conclude you shouldn't be with him. If I were you, I would provide him with the dates of the doctor's appointments. If he wants to show up, he can. But do not linger in the parking lot or drive there together. If he wants to find out how you or the child are doing physically, he can ask in the doctor's office. Keep your interactions public and brief. Eventually, you will get over him. I recommend you focus on your own choice - obligation (to your child) or 'love' (of this selfish man) - its one or the other because this situaton is guaranteed to bring drama to your child's life if you pursue a relationship with him.


onmy4th - July 25

gummibear: First of all they were not engaged as far as I knew when I became pregnant. They went to the courthouse on a whim because he said he was tired of hurting me and he would be faithful to her as long as he was married but that has not been the case because he has made several advances towards me after the wedding and even texted me on his wedding night. I told him that was wrong and have shut him down every time. Secondly, I am well aware of why she can't stand me but I am not the one that tossed her aside as 'an obligation' HE is. Like I stated in my original post she is a very good person and doesn't deserve any of this and neither do I. You are very correct that I do not want to stand in her shoes and I wouldn't wish anyone to stand in mine either. As far as her asking for this drama no she did not but she did enter in the relationship with full knowledge that he still had feelings for me and slept with him knowing that she could get pregnant so she is not completely innocent in this matter. Furthermore, I never said that he loved me I said that he "told" me that I was the love of his life. I understand his feelings of guilt and obligation and the only thing I have asked for in this situation is that if he chooses to be with her to leave me alone. When I found out he was lying to her and me about leaving her I told him to stop calling me because it wasn't fair to her or me and after I found out she was pregnant I stopped making advances at him. He initiated the contact everytime. Also, do you really think that her or the child will be happy if he stays out of obligation and not love? I am a firm believer that the children will not be happy unless the parents are and he obviously doesn't love her or he wouldn't have done any of this to her. I take half the blame, if that's what you want to call it, for me getting pregnant. I was monitoring my cycle very closely and had been successful so far and I thought we were ok but I even asked him if we should use protection just in case and he said whatever happens happens. She doesn't deserve any of this and neither do I. The only thing that her or I is guilty of is believing his lies but the victims that I am worried about in this complicated situation are the children....including hers! I posted this to get advice on how to handle the situation in the best interest of my child not for judgment.


gummibear - July 26

I understand where you're coming from, and you're right re: advice not judgment. I wasn't accusing you of pursuing him - I've been the other woman before and know how that feels. It feels like c___p. It doesn't change that my actions - even if 'only' accepting his phone calls and emails once I found out he was 'unhappily' married - wronged the other female (and her children). And it doesn't change that your actions wronged the 19-year-old either. Whether he was engaged or just pregnant with the 19-year-old - I don't think it changes your OW status, but that's spilt milk at this point. But yes, I do believe that he should have chosen obligation over love. What that means is giving it an honest effort. It doesn't mean he had to marry her or move in with her, but it should have meant he focus on her while pregnant, and the baby once born, instead of focusing on you, pursuing you, or sleeping with you - at the very least, until the relationship between the 19-year-old and himself - as co-parents or whatever - was secured, stabilized, and mutually established. And if he did move in with or marry her, and it didn't work out after an honest effort, then I wouldn't fault him for seeking you out - but only after officially spliting with her. But here, that's not what he did. Also, you said he clearly doesn't love her because he wouldn't do this to her if he did. I get the feeling that if he truly loved you, he wouldn't do this to you either. Therefore, whether I actually believe one ought to chose obligation over love, and the ramifications of that to children in a household, is in fact moot, when here it does not appear to be the choice he's making. Here, it appears to be one of obligation vs. selfish desire. Judging by his actions, he has made his choice clear. I stand by my original advice of providing the appointment dates and leaving it at that.



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