How To Deal With Father Who S An Ex

7 Replies
Minimom - November 30

I'm about 20 wks pregnant. After finding out about some lies he'd told me, I broke up with the father. It was about a week after finding out I was pregnant. Within 3 weeks, he'd moved in with another woman and her three children, claiming to be married (he wasn't and still isn't). He saw nothing of calling me drunk, at ungodly a.m. hours telling me how mean I was to break up with him and rubbing it in my face that someone else wanted him. That part hurt, but I knew we still had to make some decisions regarding the baby. I accepted the reality and just pressed with the assumption he would still maintain his half of responsibility. Soon after, he stopped communicating...apparently at his new girlfriend's behest. People are going to do what they're going to do, but I didn't create this child alone. After family and friend support, I started to accept I was going to be on my own in this deal. Within the past week, he has started calling, saying how he really needs to speak to me. I'm hesistant to respond to him at this point. Any advice?


... - November 30

I say talk to him, hear what he has to say, and maybe this would be a good time to talk about how u 2 are going to support this baby finanncially. U know discuss him helping out finnancially cuz u are right, u didnt do this to ur self and its BOTH of ur responsibility.


mellissa - December 1

His only obligation is financial support for the child which you deserve because it was two who created this child, not just you. However, you should never try and make a child an obligation beyond that when it comes to him being a (GOOD!) father in it's life. If he refuses to give you financial support, take him to court and if you have to, get a paternity test so there is no doubt. Don't be angry with this other women for trying to cut off ties with you, you would do the same if the situation was reversed and after seeing what he did to you, she probably fears the same for herself (and rightly so too!) The only way I would get upset with this women is if she tries to block what is rightly yours and that is financial child support. And even then, don't bother dealing with her directly because you'd likely get emotional, get angry and then you too would have a real reason to become enemies. This baby is his and it's the law that he must take financial responsibility. This being said, this is where his "obligations" should end. It is better for this baby to have one stable, loyal and well adjusted parent in his life than two parents who can't trust each other and who will ultimately, make each other miserable. All you are teaching your child is that these kind of relationships are normal and you are likely heading him/her straight for the same kind of misery you find yourself in. The best bet? Cut all ties, stop answering the phone when he calls and advise him that you are seeking legal proceedings for child support. (because it MUST be legal, you can't just ask for it, even if you are on the best of terms)


Mellissa - December 2

Obviously these lies she says he told were not minor lies. If he moved in with another women only 3 weeks after she broke up with him, this other women had something to do with the lies. He was obviously dating both of them at the same time because no one starts dating someone and then moves in with her and her three children only 3 weeks later, that's crazy! They obviously have history. For all Minimom knows, SHE is the other women and he was dating this other women first. Either way, what is there to hear out? He obviously isn't that heart-broken about the relationship because he moved in with someone else right away. This isn't exactly the best way to get Minimom to take him back. Not only that but she is just a__suming that it is his girlfriend that made him cut ties. This man is obviously disloyal, dishonest, selfish and irresponsible. Just because he provided the five minutes and the sperm doesn't mean that she owes it to her child to "work it out" with him. I am not suggesting she cut ties with him altogether. She never even mentioned him expressing interest in the baby, however and if he does, he has a terrible way at showing it. All I said was that she shouldn't try and force him into being emotionally or physically responsible for him because a child shouldn't be made an obligation. I ment that he HAD to be financially responsible, THAT was his only obligation. Although he does have parental rights (unless she decides to seek a legal ban on this) how badly do you suppose he want's to be involved in either of their lives when he moves in with another women he's obviously involved with. She said that this women has three kids of her own. These children must know this man and understand that he is now living with him. How responsible would he be if he just took off on them? This also leads me to believe that he has quite a bit of history with this other women for her to allow him to move in with her three children. It is NOT this other women's fault for him acting this way, even if she was the second women in the picture. Men are not just helpless dogs being seduced by women as they have a brain and are adults capable of making informed, adult decisions. Even if she knew that he was involved with someone else when they started dating, this man wasn't capable of being led astray by only this one women. It could have been anyone and although Minimom has every right to be angry with this other women, her boyfriend was the one who was betraying her and their relationship, not the other women. Duking it out with her doesn't change what happened and starting a war with her could be a huge mistake. Best bet? Forget her. This man may decide a few years down the road that he wants to be an active part in the childs life because by some miracle, he's grown up and decided to become a man. It's going to be much more difficult to make this happen if these two women hate each other. Also likely, this other women's three kids will be aware of how much she detests her boyfriends ex and that negativity is bound to be pushed on the new baby.


Minimom - December 2

I think you both have a point and I'm grateful for both of your views. Thank you both. There was truth in what both of you said. I know that they've fought a lot about me, as he liked to let me know. I don't know her to have anything against her, to be honest. I just know what I would or wouldn't do and I would not have felt right to be that serious about any man who had baggage that recent. I have a 2 year old and my ex and I had discussed marriage prior to this happening. It was me that decided not to (turned out to be a good thing I didn't). And I never allowed him to move in with my son and I. It didn't feel right. So, as far as she goes, I don't have a ton of respect for her choosing to share their home and lives with someone with such questionable issues. But that's not my problem anyway. I have to deal with my reality and that's the baby. I'd rather not communicate with him unless I have to. I'm so personally disgusted with his ethics, I just can't help myself. And, if I can afford it by that time, I'd rather him give up his rights altogether. My first son's father has already agreed to step up to the plate to provide emotional support. But I can't help wondering how much of what I'm feeling is selfish because a part of me is still a bit angry, do you know what I mean? I want to do the right, practical thing. And should I even be trusting myself to know what that is yet? Or should I wait a few months?


Mellissa - December 6

It makes perfect sense for a women in your shoes to be making a decision that isn't completely based on fact and is more based on emotion. But you should be proud of yourself for recognizing this because most women would let anger blur their vision and their ethics. Chances are, there is a little bit of anger effecting your decision but you wouldn't be human if this wasn't the case. You learn in High School English cla__s that it is absolutely impossible to remain completely unbiased, even if you're a journalist so how could someone like you, who is very much emotionally involved, be expected to do so? You obviously have your wits about you and are a smart women so it's safe to trust your brains and your instincts here. Also, you need to do what is right for YOU, not just your new child. If a decision you have to make to do right by your baby is difficult, well, we all know that's part of life but, if it's a decision that you don't think or you know you couldn't exist with, you are doing your baby any favors by making yourself miserable. A parent, Mother or Father, gives up a lot of their rights by acting irresponsibly and this man has commited a lot of violations under this catagory as of late. You should also be commended for your maturity in handling this other women. I wouldn't put myself in her situation either and it's great that you can see who the real loser of the situation is - her.


Minimom - December 6

Thanks, Mellissa. That's so encouraging and that means a lot. I can only a__sume that he's told her as many lies as he may have told me. As a matter of fact, he came sniffing around shortly after we broke up and had already begun dating her. She found out by reading his emails (creepy, creepy, creepy...on both ends). And, by still believing whatever she's been told, she seems both gullibly desperate and a bit ignorant to me. I don't mean to be judgemental, but there is NO WAY I would stand for that if I had knowledge of it. To her credit, he is a con man, but any woman with children should be on the lookout for that if for nothing else than for the sake of her children. It's our inherent jobs to do so. He has an ex-wife that clued me into a lot of things about their past that explained why I always had the feeling that something wasn't right when the discussion of marriage came up with us. By the time I broke up with him, I was already pregnant. It was a surprise, but I guess things happen for a reason. Anger isn't the only reason that I feel I should exclude him from my life. He's just negative energy that I don't need right now. And I'm not sure what the new girlfriend's angle is on this. He lives with her in her house. She's older than him and can't have any more kids. So, I'm trying to get a realistic sense of what's going on to make a sound decision (without having to speak with him), but nothing's making sense to me. He's calling me now, but I have a hard time imagining that he wants anything to do with this because he ignored it to go play house somewhere else. I'm really suspicious of it all, to be honest. I've got my son and the pregnancy. I'd like to stay focused on these and just create the most positive environment that I can for all of our sakes. I guess I'm wondering if it's selfish to want him out of the picture for now? I don't want to set myself up for a kid that's p__sed off at me for how I'm going about this.


Mellissa - December 6

Just remember that it wasn't you who cut ties with him immediately. When you broke up with him, this decision was based on what was right for YOU as breaking up with (or divorcing from) your childs father is a decision that is often best for your mental well being and happiness as well as for your baby's. You are not a bad mother for choosing not to be romantically involved with him. Also keep in mind that it was HIM who cut ties with you (whether at the request of his girlfriend or not) so it was a decision he made, not you. No matter what parents do in the situation of a break-up, there is no way of knowing how your child will react or if he/she will understand. But do remember, they all understand eventually with the growth of age and wisdom, so long as you do what you FEEL is really right, all will work out in the end. As a product of divorce I can tell you, adult relationships are not something understood by children and there will always be kids who take it personally when their parents split. But you know from being a Mom that this is also the case when you try to explain to them why 6 hours of television and 3 meals of McDonalds a day are bad. For the time being, "Because I said so" or, "Because I know best and you'll understand when you're grown up" is all we have to offer them. Because he hasn't done anything illegal and you (I'm a__suming) do not suspect that he'd ever physically harm your child, you can not keep your baby from him if he wants to be involved and if he is genuinely interested in being a part of this baby's life (and not just whenever he feels like it or isn't busy with his other family) than you should let him. This being said, make it legal! Go to court and make sure you have the majority of custody with him only having visitation. You need to talk with him seriously about how it's going to be once the baby arrives. Does he want to visit with the baby at all or, does he want to be stripped of his parental rights? If he wants visits, you need to make sure the court is aware of his personal situation as you do not want this baby visiting at his house. This is exactly how a child starts to feel stuck between it's two parents. You need to decide whether or not you want to seek financial support and let him know ahead of time if you will be looking for it. And don't worry if this women becomes involved. You and your baby are, of course, a threat on her relationship with him and even though you know d__n well that you don't want to be with him, nothing will convince her of that. She also knows that, should he choose to be a part of this baby's life, the two of you will forever be bound together. In other terms, she's never going to get you out of her life. There is also the fact that you would be taking financially from him and thus, her. Now, anyone with a level head knows that it is her own decision to become involved with a man who has "baggage" and responsibilty but this women may not be rational so prepare yourself for that. Just behave in a respectable (and legal) manner and it will never come back to bite you later. If all else fails, contact her over the phone and calmly tell her that you no longer have any romantic interest in the man but you want to do the right thing where your baby is concerned. This man fathered the child so you want to make sure you are getting the financial support is obligated to pay and also, that he have the choice about whether or not he is involved in child's life. You are not trying to force yourself or the baby on him at all. This way, she can't see you as a threat and all decisions made by him will be his own and she will have no one to blame but him. In the meantime, you don't need him in your life while you complete your pregnancy so don't feel guilty about keeping your distance. From here on in, all dealings are business only which will keep your nose clean and most importantly, make your baby proud when he/she is old enough to understand.



You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!

Already a member?
Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?