I Am So Miserable What Do I Do Desperately In Need Of Advice

7 Replies
Rose - May 25

HI Everyone!! I have to first say that I have been reading all of your posts for about a week or two now and lot's of you have some really good advice. I am hoping maybe I can get some? I am not exactly single yet, but I might as well be because he's got 1 1/2 feet out the door already and we have only been living together for about 4 weeks now, THIS TIME!! I am 29 years old and about 9 weeks pregnant with my second child. I also have a 4 year old daughter. I am in a MISERABLE situation and so afraid all the time that I am going to miscarry because of all the stress and heartache. Then I have my days where I think maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. But I really don't feel that way, I just wish the situation were better. Oh yeah...the situation....Well, I have been in a relationship with this baby's father for about a year and a half. My other daughter's father is basically abandoning her and moving to a different country tomorrow, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, most of the year and a half that I have been with my boyfriend have been nothing but heartache and misery. You see, he has another child, a son, whom is almost 2. He was VERY freshly broken up with his son's mother when he and I met at the grocery store of all places. Everything was wondeful the first couple of weeks, he appeared to be the ideal man, but don't they all? Anyhow, everything was great untiil I came home from work one day to find all of his things, just gone....no warning, no explanation, he had just left and went back to his son's mother because she wouldn't let him see his son while he was with me. Well, this was just the begginning of a pattern that would last all the way until now. He has probably left me and come back and left me and come back at least 10 times in that year and a half. NO KIDDING OR EXXAGGERATING HERE!! Yes, I know, I was the stupid fool that kept taking him back, but I just always felt that he had a valid excuse, his love for his child. He really is a wonderful father, I can only hope that he will be that way with this one. Anyhow, he had left me for the "LAST TIME" in February, or so I thought I was determined to make it the "last time" then. I was sooooooo good and handled things soooooo well. I did not call him or his family or speak to anyone that knows him for over 6 weeks...and my daughter and I were JUST FINE. He had even rented a house with his baby's mother, who by the way is a psychotic nightmare. I am really not exxaggerating here. I had to go to court to obtain a Personal Protection Order on this girl because she has stalked me so many times and threatened bodily harm against my self and my daughter and even purposely rammed her vehicle into mine while my b/f and her own child were in the car with us. Anyhow, kind of getting off the subject, but just want to leave a little background on this "person". So then, out of the blue, he shows up at my daor, after 6 weeks of no contact, and you know how good they are at saying what you want to hear. It was all I love you, I need you, You're the only woman for me...How could I hurt you so badly so many times?....How can you even look at me after all I've done to you?....So, like the dummy that I am, I accepted him back into my heart. He told me that since he had been living in their new house that he had not touched her, or even slept in the same bed with her. Of course, I did not believe him, until I heard it come out of her own mouth (long story). Then I knew he hadn't. And....so...then.....the first time we slept together after all that time....I got pregnant, even though I MADE him wear a condom, because I am not trying to catch any kind of disease from his nasty ex...I STILL got pregnant. At the time, I couldn't believe it when I found out, I thought...wow...after all this time and this has GOT to be meant to be. I was right...it was Meant to be...MEANT TO BE to cause me misery. So about two days after I told him I was pregnant, I was about 5 weeks then, he moved back in. Swearing that he wanted to do things right this time and get married and...everything. I get so upset sometimes and feel like he is getting ready to leave and need a little reassurance from him and he gets SOOOOOO upset with me. As if HE isn't the one that put that insecurity and mistrust about our relationship into my heart. Anyways....it is absolutely terrifying and exhausting....I dread going home each day to find his things gone. That is SUCH a HORRIBLE feeling. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go through another pregnancy alone...I really don't. i don't know if I can bear that, but at the same time, the waiting for him to leave is almost worse than the actual leaving. All I can think of to do is PRAY..PRAY...PRAY....but my heart is just broken. Last weekend we went to my parents house together to tell them about the pregnancy...yes...at 29...I still feel like a little girl when it comes to my parents and I was SCARED to DEATH to tell them. They took it so well though and they had really started to hate him for all of the pain that he had put me through. BUT, they took it so well....he told them that he wanted to marry him and I was the woman for him and I keep him centered and focused and motivated. My dad even hugged him and welcomed him into the family with open arms. Now, a week later, he is getting squirrelly...I can feel him almost ready to walk out. It is HORRIBLE....I am such a loving, warm, compassionate person and I am so afraid that I will NEVER have someone who treats me the same way, especially if I have TWO children, by TWO different fathers. Please help me...I am in MISERY....


Aisha - May 25

You know sometimes its so easy to dog out all men and say well they are this and that. First let me tell you that I know a lot of women that have children from a past relationship and are in marriages with men that took on the kids regardless. One friend has 7 kids and she found someone..another has 3...and it goes on.I have three boys and am pregnant with my 4th...the father is not around. I have had to practically beat off men because Im not interested in pursuing a relationship. Let me give you some advise...let him go. He doesnt love you. I dont care how much he cries, begs or pleads..this man does NOT love you. He really doesnt so do what you have to do. being with him has taken your self esteem away...he has eaten away at what makes you beautiful and left you believeing that ALL you deserve is the lies and sc___ps that he gives to you so honey let him go and spend the next few months knowing yourself...renewing yourself...preparing for the birth of this new life that is in side of you. Tell him to leave and then do not let him back in again. You are young and beautiful(Im sure)...trust Me you can waste 10 yrs with this man and end up with NOTHING! Is that what you feel is your future...to be lonly at 40? Think about what I have said.


Daphne - May 25

I agree with Aisha. I am single and pregnant and i agree that it is not ideal......but you have a choice to remain a victim or not. If you think that all you deserve is what this guy has given you, then that is all you will get. You will be better off and so will your baby if you leave him now. You do not need this stress. I know it will be hard for you but it will be much harder down the road. Leave him before he leaves you. Have faith that things will get better! You have a beautiful baby on the way.


Audrey - May 25

Rose- To me, your boyfriend seems insecure, indecisive, and untrustworthy. He's caught between two women and can't make up his mind as to what to do. Those are qualities that I would not want in a man. Don't allow him to jerk you around any more. If he is truly serious about wanting to stay with you, lay down the rules for him. Good luck!


April - May 25

Well you were definately right about one thing. It was meant to be. But not you and the father. You and the baby. You got pregnant even though he had a condom on... you were meant to have that baby. Now as for the father. You have to ask yourself a question. Think about how you feel right now... and ask yourself "do I want to feel like this for the rest of my life?" because honey, if you stay with that guy. That's how it's going to be, it's NOT going to change. It'll actually more than likely get worse... and if you're miserable, your kids can sense your misery and that's not good for them either. And don't be worried about not finding anyone else. My mom, for example, has 2 girls by 2 different fathers, and is now married to the most wonderful man. He treats her like a queen... helps her with the dishes, does the laundry, opens her car door, walks her to work and back, reads with her, takes her on vacations, supports her in everything she does. Honey, those guys are out there. You just have to take care of yourself and your children until you find them. Do yourself and your kids a favor and NEVER settle. You deserve sooooo much better, and I believe 100% that "better" is out there. You obviously don't deserve to live in misery... so don't put yourself through it. Get out of that situation, spend some time with people who are supportive of you, your parents, your friends. I know that being single and pregnant is no fun, but it's definately better than being completely miserable.


faith - May 26

Rose - Sometimes if spend your time thinking about all the negative aspects of life and you invest your energy into what you can not do you handicap yourself. You become your own worst enemy. Look what you have endured in your lifetime, that should have built strength. You obviously are a woman who holds her own. A weak soul could never endure and still hold their head up high, they would have given up and hit rock bottom. Look into the mirror and thank God for giving you tremendous strength. Your child has a purpose. If you have lived life in a manner that is not appropriate, stop and live better. Don't settle. Many women have children by more than one father. There are women who had affairs and became pregnant through the affair and their husbands forgave and raised the child as his own. I am sure those that answer your posting can site situation after situation. The fact is to improve yourself and live your life the best you can. Do good unto other as you want done to you, goodness will come around for you. As for the person who continues to live wrong and do others wrong, their lives will continue to be unstable until they change their mindset. Stay strong and take care of you and your children. Never settle for less than what you want for yourself and your children.


faith - May 26

A friend sent this to me: 1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. 2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. 3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. 4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. 5. Slower is better. 6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. 7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. 8. Don't settle. 9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. 10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. 11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. 12. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? 13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. 14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. 16. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within. 17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...Even if he has more education or a better job. 18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. 19. Never let a man define who you are. 20. Never borrow someone else's man. 21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. 22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. 23. All men are NOT dogs. 24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is a two way street. 25. You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. 26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. 27. Dating is fun...Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. 28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. 29. Never move into his mother's house. 30. Never co-sign for a man. 31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 32. Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated.


Christine - May 26

Wow - I couldnt believe that there is actually someone going thru the same exact thing as I am. It just didn't seem possible that someone could be in the same situation and going thru such misery and torture as I am. Its sad to know that you are going thru the same thing but also comforting. And the advice you have gotten so far is great advice and I have heard a lot of the same advice for 3 years now and still I continue not to listen to all that my friends and family say and I just keep going back or taking him back. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant. And my "guy" came back a week ago saying all the same things, all of the promises and all the right things I want to hear and my heart and soul opens up for that temporary love, that temporary fix (its an addiction) and now I am so scared and so in fear cuz I know the pain is coming. He will be cheating again soon and will be leaving me again soon, thats just the pattern. Why do I keep doing this?? Its complete and total insanity, and I am the one that holds all the power to stop it. Even though I am not a good example of what to do, my advice to you Rose is to get out of that destructive relationship before it kills you. Cuz I know right now he is slowly killing me inside and it makes me so sick how much power I gave to this guy. I am having a girl and I definatley dont want to show her that this is a way a woman should be treated. And if I stay with him and if you stay with him we will be teaching our children thats its ok. And its NOT!!!! Its abuse and we as woman got to stick together and break the cycle. Anyway I am a mess too so everyone's advice on this page is helping me to get thru today and stay strong. Its so hard. But it has to get better if we make changes to better our lives and our childrens lives. right???!! God bless you Rose you are in my prayers.



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