I Really Need Some Help Getting Through This

7 Replies
Alexis - March 1

my bf of two years and i have recently decided we want to get married and start a family. up until this point we had shared little things about how we picture the future - but recently we had a long talk about our individual expecations. i was extremely dissapointed. he basically told me that if we're going to work in the long run - i need to get in the mind set that he will make the big decisions and i will support them. he thinks the reason so many divorces are happening is because the women now want the best of both worlds - meaning they want their husband to provide for them, but yet now they also want to have equal power in making financial decisions. i love him so much, and if i weren't for this conversation i wouldnt have a doubt in my mind that he's the right man for me. now i'm torturing myself over whether its the right thing for me to do to just move on and forget about what we had together. i dont know if i'll ever be able to completely get over him. he's my everything in life - he's always there for me and is sooo supportive - except for this. i desperately need some advice!! what would you guys do? leave him and try to move on...hoping you wont regret it for the rest of your life? or take your chances with him and hope that everything will end up working out because you're confident that you love is strong?


yungmama - March 1

Well, do you want your man to provide for you or are you going to do your share by working. You should talk to him and let him know that even if you're not going to work you will still be doing for him while he is working (cleaning, cooking, being a mother, etc.) and that you feel you should both come to agreements and comprimise on how things will go. And especially if you are going to work, then you are not expecting him to provide for you. The reason for so many divorces is because one spouse wants to have all the say not because it is just the women. When you are in a relationship you have to be willing to comprimise and make sacrifices sometimes. If he is not willing to do this then he probably isn't the right guy for you. It may not be easy for you to get over him but it is better than realizing in the long run that you are unhappy (I'm sure you will be if this is how he wants things). Good Luck!!!


Alexis - March 1

yungmama ~ thanks for your advice....i think deep down i know its true that it wont work if he wants to make all the decisions without me. he says he doesnt think compromise is the right way to go about it because then it would just cause us to argue. if one person just makes decisions and the other supports them - then there wouldnt be cause to argue. i know thats wrong - but i keep hoping that maybe it would work itself out. i just feel like the hardest thing i could ever do is leave him...i guess i'm probably being stupid by trying to convince myself that maybe it would be okay.


krc - March 1

honestly I would love a man who was confident in making the big choices. One whom I could trust. It would take less stress off me. And just because he makes the decisions does not mean you have no input. There are many ways you can influence a man w/o him knowing. And if you both have great communication than it shouldn't be a problem. I agree with your husband..women these days want both roles in the marriage. I honestly would love a man to take full responsibility and I could focus then on being a better mother and a wife. There's too many feminists in america today. I say if he wants to act like a man and head of the household than let him and we can do our role as a loving supporting wife. If this man is perfect for you dont let this get in the way. Be thankful. There are alot of men who dont even know how to keep there bank account from being overdrawn and never contribute to making decisions at all. Atleast you got one who can.


KL - March 1

You know, I think this is way more common of a dilemma then anyone truly realizes. It's true that many women want to be with a man they feel will be capable of making the right choices for her family. Yet, on the other hand, I don't think there are many women who would feel comfortable if their bf basically "laid down the law" and said that's the way it will be or it simply won't work out. That doesn't leave much room for compromise, you know? I think most women DO want the best of both worlds, and there isn't any reason a truly strong relationship can't deal with this. I would say you should talk to him and really tell him the truth about your concerns. If he's open-minded enough for a serious commitment, then he'll listen to how you feel.


April - March 3

I read somewhere that according to the Department of Labor, a housewife's services amount to something like $75,000 a year. You may not actually be bringing in that money, but in my opinion, you're doing a lot of work so you deserve some of the say. Now, I'm not married, but I would not enter into a marriage with a man who isn't willing to compromise or work with me, but that's just me. You have to decide whether this will work for you or not. Can you really just support whatever decision he makes for you.. no questions asked? If you can't, then you need to tell him that. If he really loves you as much as he says he does, then he should be willing to work with you on that. Never forget... Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP.


ACesPlaceToo - August 20

Alexis, honey, pull the plug now. He has alot to learn. My ex is sooo irate that women won't do just what your bf wants you to do...and my idiot ex is 45 years old. Poor babies. Sorry, guys, it doesn't work that way. He's going to be an angry, multi-times divorced guy at this rate. Stay away from him.


mischelly30 - August 21

Well. I think it depends on how much you value having a say in the major decisions. If this isn't going to be something you're comfortable with in the long run, then you need to break it off...NOW. And, even if you choose to not work and stay home, I suggest you have a back-up plan for what you'd do if he decides to leave, cheat on you, abuse you, or if you want a divorce in the future. I know that sounds pessimistic, but those things do happen. When I got married I thought I had found the love of my life. Seven years later, I was getting a divorce. If he's saying compromises will cause you two to argue...then he either doesn't know how to compromise or isn't truly willing to. All couples argue occasionally, and if he isn't prepared to handle arguments/disagreements, then he doesn't want a relationship, he wants a slave. That's my advice. As for my opinion? This guy sounds mysogynistic to me. I would never want someone else to "take care" of me, or to think that I need taking care of.



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