Is This Emotional Abuse

9 Replies
gracie - June 4

Hi everyone, I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and pretty much seperated from my husband. Long story short he tells me that me and our first son and now our soon to be daughter are his burden. I am not working right now as I watch our son and am so pregnant. He had to find a full time job with benifits and claims this has restricted his life. He says he no longer can do anything because of us. He goes on and on about how much of a strain we are on him. I left and moved out to my mothers a few weeks ago because I litterly could not take it anymore. He told me I was useless as I dont contribute financially. I actually just finished my bachelors degree in May and graduated while pregnant with a 1 year old. I told him that I will work around his schedule about 8 weeks after my scheduled csection, He makes comments like sure you will. The wierd thing is, is that I just recently left my job of 4 years due to being out on disability, pregnancy related problems. I acutally supported us for a number of months while he was in between work and have always since I was a kid, I am 30 worked. But that is irrelavant to him, because it feels that all he does is focus on TODAY. I cant work today and he has to so he is supporting us and we are his burden. The final straw was earlier tonight on the phone when he pretty much said that after little girl is born we should move back in and have a loveless marriage. He said he would see other women for s_x, but since I am fat now he doesnt want to have s_x with me. I am not exactly huge, just pregnant. He also went on to say that s_x with me in the past was boring and sucked. He stated at first that he only enjoyed it mabee once or twice in the last 6 years then said mabee once a year he liked it. I have been known in the past to yell back at him but latley I just seem to take all these insults and cry. I used to be so strong now I feel very vulnerable and weak. My mother, who lives alone has said she would love to have me and the kids live with her until I can get on my feet, and or we can eventually get a duplex together. I dont want to be a single mom, yet feel that it is inevitable. Oh and if all of this isnt enough he keeps mentioning all of this c__p about me being useless and ruining his life in front of our one year old. Now I know he is to young to completly understand, but I hate this. I just feel stuck. any advice or info greatly appriciated. I feel like I am becoming the loser he says I am the longer I stay and be verbally attacked.. I just dont want to make rash decisions while pregnant,, but am beginning to wonder if I should. He wont even stop these comments when I start complaining of cramps from all the stress. thanks.


sugafosho - June 4

YES...YES...YES...this is emotional abuse that is a bunch of c___p that he would mistreat you like that. In all honesty it sounds more like he is having to take an adult role now versus being the one who gets to sit back and take advantage of a bread winner wife and in addition to that I think there may be a possibility that he is sleeping around on you (ie the comparative statements he is making regarding s_x) The best thing that you can do is to get out of that situation, and give him time to grow up it is not beneficial in any way for him to degrade and disrespect you and for there to be a happy and functional marriage, it would be good to also get family counseling, I hope everything works out for you, you are strong and courageous woman. You can make it!


New Here - June 4

I don't think removing yourself from a situation where you are being treated with a blatant lack of disrepect is a rash decision. I know he is your husband and there is obviously some feeling there on your part, but it sounds like getting away from this man (and I use that term loosely) is the best thing that can happen for you and your children. As you distance yourself from him and as time goes on, you will regain some of your self confidence. And regarding your son, yes at the age of one, he might not fully understand the exact nature of what is going on, but I am sure that he understands enough and can see that his mother is being mistreated and it is not right to subject him to that situation. The best thing for your children is for you to remain strong and healthy emotionally for them, they can definitely pick up on when mommy is happy or upset. Please hold your head of high and stay away from this man - in fact, if I were you, I would try my hardest to cut off all contact with him - don't call him, don't accept his calls if he attempts to call you, etc. You are lucky that you have your mother who is supportive and willing to help. You are much better off with her!


gracie - June 4

thank you for the responces. They are helping me be strong when it is so easy for me to cave and be weak. Looking back at my earlier writing which was done middle of the night in dark while son was sleeping I said I worked currently for 4 years that was a typo it was 2 years. However before that I worked also, just at different jobs. (temp work stuff) In our relationship this is the only time I have not covered at least half our bills and sometime I covered them all. Each time I have gotten pregnant he has gone on and on about how it is going to ruin his life. The worst thing I did was getting pregnant again with this guy. Sometimes because I was so stupid to think he would step up and care about us, I feel I deserve this. I feel like I am losing all respect with my family who can hardly stand how he is treating me. I tell my mother I am staying nice to him so he will keep the insurance and pay the bills untill I am capible. My mom says this is smart, but I have some savings that I have saved on the side and wont let him have that I could use, but its not much. I just dont know if that is enough of a reason to put up with this c___p. He was working this part time job last year with out benifits and I remember last november when I got sick with this pregnancy and told him he needed to find a job with benifits he freaked out. Told me to get off my lazy a__s and go get a job. I even said fine, you look after Carter and I will go work and he said , I aint looking after him get a babysitter or something. I should have had an abortion. Doesnt that sound awful I would never want to abort my baby, but I now feel like I am in such a hard place. All he tells me know is how he cant wait to quit his job with benifits after the baby is born. Perhaps he is used to living off women because I moved into an apartment with him that his mother owned (she has a 4 plex building and lives in one also) about 4 years ago. He convinced her about 3 years ago that he didnt want to pay rent because he was going to quit his job and work on his movie. yes he made an independant film. His mother always asked him, not me, for money but he never again gave her any. She pa__sed away unexpectedly 2 months ago and she had had to take a morgage on the building apparently to pay for repairs. Now he will probably get nothing and my mother now tells me as far as she is concerned he is one step from being homeless. I wish I had paid more attension to this with him mom, but I just had my first baby and was still a full time student and my husband never discussed it with me. Its like he is another child of mine sometimes.. That probably sounds silly. Thanks for any responces.. grace


belly25 - June 4

oh goodness gracie. it is so scary how similar our stories are. my husband, when he was drinking, was also verbally abusive. he said the same thing about s_x with was boring and i just lay there. he's even told me that he finds it hard to be attracted to me right now because i'm big. i'm big from being 8 months pregnant, not being overweight. i know exactly how it feels to let a man beat you down so much verbally that you start to believe it and feel worthless. if you would like to email me, please feel free to do so at [email protected] i think sharing our similar stories will help us both stay strong for the sake of our unborn children as well as your 1 yr old.


mischelly30 - June 4

Hi Gracie, I know I posted this elsewhere, but in case you didn't see it, you should read this article: which describes characteristics of abusive partners. Remove any of the - to get the link to work. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do...


Tjane - June 5

I was just about to tell her to read that article... and yes this is abuse.... dont let him bring you down!!


justine - June 7

Are you kidding me?? Get rid of this dirtbag!! For your childrens' sake if not for yourself! You are educated and you have a loving mother who wants to help you. You will be fine. YOU are #1. Remember that.


LillyBell - June 7

You have to be strong! Your husband seems to be using the pregnancy + you & your child as an excuse to want to be a bachelor. You deserve better! Your son will soon be old enough to understand what is going on... to understand how daddy treats mommy. This man doesn't sound like a good role model for your son! Ask yourself this - WHY SHOULD YOU STAY WITH HIM?


Nicole121306 - June 7

LillyBell is right. Your son will soon be old enough to understand. You should get out of this situation before he does get old enough. Kids who see stuff like this go on think it's ok to do it too. You don't want him growing up to treat women like your husband treats you. You don't deserve it. Pregnancy is a miracle not a burden. Your husband needs to grow up. He has to realize that he is not 16 anymore and become a real man. You can do this Gracie. It seems like you have so much support of your family. You should say forget him. Plus, abuse usually starts verbally then proceeds to become physical. Stop it before it starts. Good luck and be strong.



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