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MystinaAlise - March 23

I'm 20 years old and about 9 weeks pregnant. The father of my baby is my ex-bf who has a history of being physically and mentally abusive. As bad as this is going to sound I still love him, and finding out I was pregnant by him made it harder to leave, but I did. I moved back in with my mother (who is thrilled about having a grandchild and is convinced I will make a wonderful mother even though I'm not sure) and I am making plans to get back in college and work on my education while I am pregnant. I was told when I was younger that I could not have children and I bounce back and forth between being excited and terrified at the thought of being a mommy. In about two weeks the father of my baby (who I am friends with although we are no longer together) will begin serving a two year sentence for beating me. I want him to be a part of this childs life, I want him to grow up and see what he will be missing. I know that if I go talk to the judge they will reduce his sentence, but I don't want him out if he isnt going to be there for his child. I'm scared I'm going to end up holding this over his head and I don't want him just pretending to want to be there for the baby. He actually seemed genuinely (sp?) excited when he found out I was having his baby and says over and over he wants a part in his/her life but I'm not sure he will be a good influence. If anyone has anything at all to say about any of this i could really really use some advice and some people to talk to... thanks in advance


stephgts - March 23

I say that before letting him into your childs life, have the judge order him to take anger management cla__ses. AND I wouldn't talk to the judge to get his sentence reduced because then your ex is going to think that he has control over you. He won't be taught a much deserved lesson if you take measures to shorten his jail time. You can also file, with the judge, for visitations to be monitored. That way he can be in the childs life, and you don't have to worry about him mistreating your son/daughter or doing something (like drinking and driving if he has that problem) that could harm him/her either.


MaybeBaby06 - March 24

Dont put your child through that abuse and problems,if you dont feel hes a good infulence, dont let him havy any influence. Unless he signs papers and pays support then he will be awarded some custody of the child...but then again with his abusive behavior....he may not be.


April - March 24

I agree with stephgts that you shouldn't talk to the judge to get his sentence reduced. He was given that sentence with good reason. Actually I agree with everything she said... He can be a part of your child's life when he gets out of jail BUT.. he should have supervised visitation at all times, and should take anger management cla__ses. The last thing you want is for your child to be influenced by someone like that.


MystinaAlise - March 24

Thank you all... I dont plan on talking to the judge... I guess I'm not really worried about him serving time anymore (although I would like him there when I give birth) I agree and thing anger management cla__ses would be great and I am hoping the judge makes him take them anyway... I guess this is just hard because even though I know I shouldn't I miss him terribly sometimes... I still love him even though I don't like him and its hard not to want to go running back everytime he swears he's changed (but I'm doing good I haven't given in yet) is it wrong to want to maintain a relationship (friendship) with him for the sake of the baby if he is willing to grow up and get help? I guess I hope that maybe this baby will be a reason for him to realize that things need to change


April - March 25

Actually I think it's good to stay friends with an ex for the sake of the child... just as long as you don't let it cross back over to a relationship. This guy is obviously not the guy you should be with, so friends is okay but a romantic relationship isn't. Also... if there's anything I've learned during my experience over the past year and a half it's that guys only change for themselves. I thought our baby would make my ex change, but he didn't. I haven't even spoken to him in the last 3 months. So don't expect your ex to change either, because chances are he won't.


Lorena1980 - April 5

Ladies, please read this article http://www.enotalone.com/article/4112.html.


Ceno - April 5

I just wrote this to mischelly30 who has a similar situation, like yours...I'm not going to lie to you. It will be hard regardless since you and him have a history. Any history is a long time to share with a person, even if that person is abusive and controlling. The reason you left him to begin with though should be the reason and impetus to help you move on. I, myself, was in a controlling relationship on and off for a year. I didn't see how controlling and possibly abusive my partner at the time was. I didn't see it until AFTER I finally left him for good, which was, to be honest, about 2 weeks ago. Though I thought I was pregnant, I turned out not to be, which was for the better. Yet when I thought I was, I thought the same thing you did. Should he or shouldn't he be a part of my child's life? I mean I did care for him on some level and felt it was the respectable and honorable thing to do, inform him of his unborn child. But as a mother, we want the best for our children, on every level...emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. As mothers, we sacrifice ourselves for our children, in their best interest. So ask yourself this: if he treated me like that, there is always the possibility that he can treat my baby like that. People will say "no way." But the truth is if the person is emotionally and mentally unstable, like in the cases of our Xs, they cannot be a good influence on our child, on any level. Since he has a record of abuse and possibly will be incarcerated due to it, request for supervised visitation can be granted. Don't let him off easy though. Just because he says he wants to be there for the baby. That alone can be his scapegoat to not serving his time in prison. Don't let him make you feel bad about it neither. It's his fault he's there. Not yours. And you don't need to worry about the life he will be missing, with your child. There will be a time when he sees his child, and the baby that is going to grow into a young child/adult, and will see nothing but all of YOUR effort you put into him/her. You want your baby to grow up to be the best adult possible, like any other parent. You hold nothing over his head. It's him who holds his own over his head. All in all though, remember the moments when he badgered you, hara__sed you, made you cry, made you feel inferior and worthless, damaged you emotionally. Personally, for me, that's what made me leave my X three times over...the third time being the last and final time. Your well being will in turn be the well being of your child. It will be hard once again, especially since MAYBE when you see that child you will remember him. But remember every time you think of your child or when you look into her/his eyes, you'll see your strength, your confidence, your gift...a gift of life...renewed and granted. :-D


Tjane - April 5

Lorena, I have been telling everyone to read the article too! It is great ladies! I found a good one too that I posted under "if you are dealing with a controlling man" but that one is even better! To MystinaAlise Please read as I think it will help you, ut may not make you feel better but to have rea__surance that what you are dealing with is not right and you are not alone will help you make the choices you need to........


xbrighteyesx - April 8

he seemed exited, eh? Yea, my father said he was exited when my mom came home with the news of her pregnancy almost 10 years ago. Promised to change. "For the baby." 4 months later she ended up in a bloody pool at the bottom of the stairs, after he pushed her. He wasnt drunk. Or high. Just angry, and she lost that child. Not a day goes by that she doesnt think about that, I see the sadness all the time. There is NO excuse for physical abuse, and nothing can justify what he has, or could do again. You have a child to think about now hun, people like that dont just change. Its hard, god knows I understand how hard, but neither you or that child deserve what he is capable of. You have a supportive mother, who will be there, and who believes you are going to do a great job. Trust her, let her be that support that he will never be able to fill.


mischelly30 - April 8

Another thing I grapple with is this question: is it better for the child to have a father in his or her life who has the potential to be (or is) abusive (be it mentally or physically), and, at his very best, an inconsistently present, caring, and attentive parent, OR is it better for the child to not know the father at all? I do not know the answer to this, but I wish I did. You never know how the people you expose your child to (father included) will affect your child. I would think that having a "partially absent" father would be a hard thing for some children to deal with. Does anyone know of any empirical research (not anecdotal) on this?



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