No Way Of Contacting My Childs Father

48 Replies
BabyMummy - June 27

Lovely to hear from you both, so sorry you are having such a hard time with finding a house on your own May_belle :( I know what you mean about being humiliated I try to avoid anything like that when I am going to be questioned about my daughters father :( Teresa1 , you are not mad at all I do the exact same thing with facebook lol, glad to hear someone else does that too! I am constantly searching for my daughters father and wish anything in the world I could just at least know his name so I had something to work with, but I know its really unlikely thats ever going to happen so trying to accept that. Maybe we should make a private group on facebook for us to chat on we can make settings so only we can see what we write to each other etc? it might be easier to chat and we can ask each other questions etc when things come up, as we are probably going to face many of the same challenges What do you ladies think ? :-)


teresa 1 - June 28

hi there, ya b great to make a private group.


May_Belle - June 29

Hi, good to hear from you both. I would be into a facebook group too if it was private and easy to use. I am quite embarra__sed to see my last post came up 3 or 4 times! (My computer froze when i pressed send and that seems to be the result). Teresa1 do you mind me asking if you get rent allowance? (Only wondering purely for the rent supplement reason and how you handled the father questions bit of it. The woman in the office kept going on about the father paying maintenance and if not I need a court order. Just wondering how you went about it in that regard?). (Babymummy, do you still live at home? Just wondering if you get lone parents. Did you anwser the questions by the social welfare people? I remember having to tell the person who called out to my house my whole situation. I hope you don't think I am being nosy, its just you said you avoid any situation where they would ask about the father). (Sometimes unfortunately its impossible). I have given up completely on tracing my childs dad. I have very little to go on which I find hard to deal with sometimes but I try to not think about it too much now. (I really bet myself up through whole pregnancy and up until I saw the counsellor. We made a mistake but we cannot beat ourselves up forever. The other side of it too is there is a father out there who has gotten off scot free. My child is very strong willed and outgoing so I know i won't have the easiest of times trying to explain myself. I am most nervous of getting caught randomly one day, in front of other people with a question about her father and me sitting there with my mouth open trying to think of what to say.


teresa 1 - July 1

hi may-bell, i used to receive rent allowance and they did ask me alot of questions about thge father, and they had the att_tude like how do u not no who the father is, made me feel i was lying about it. but there is not much they can do when there is no fathers name on birth cert. i am lucky that i met another man who treats my daughter as his own. my daughter had a clicking hip and they kept saying is there any history in the families, so that is hard not knowing the history of the other family. if there is any heridertry illnesses and things. its just a living nightmare, that u can only understand if your going through it. times i look at my daughter and feel so guilty.


singlemomnyc - July 25

HI May Belle, I am in the same situation although when I was pregnant, I thought my son was my ex's and I found out only after a devastating paternity test came back negative. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I cried for weeks thinking it was impossible, until I had a crazy dream that "flashed" back memories from when I think I got pregnant. I has been super frustrating trying to investigate this because none of my friends remember going out that night or me leaving with anyone matching his description ever but it was so long ago, I would be surprised if they did. I got pregnant when I lived in New York City and don't know the guy's name, I moved before I found out I was pregnant so I can't even try to find him because I live across the country now so I gave up, more or less, on traditional ways of finding the father but even if I don't find him, I decided to try to find out about him with the only lead I have, my son and his DNA. I signed us both up for "family finder" DNA tests on I was skeptical but as soon as I got some results I was very happy I did it. I am at least learning about my son's biological background and I just upgraded his tests to get YDNA a___lyzed, which might (fingers crossed) link me to a last name. Imagine that having a last name in New York City is pretty much useless but it gives me hope that I might some day get to tell that guy that he has a son. I have to say, however, that some of what I've learned about this guy's genetic profile worries me. He may be religious and his "people" are not known for advancing women so I am weary that someday I will meet him and discover he is a terrible influence for my son. If I ever get close enough to finding him that I have the choice, I think I will tell him but I will probably get a background check and do some major sleuthing first. My family still thinks my ex is the dad and the paternity test was messed up. I might come tell them everything if I get more info from the next level of DNA test but for now I'm just keeping this to myself. On one level, they are conservative and this would take my reality to a new level of stress for them, on the other, they at least still have hope that someone might someday help me with my son. I don't know if anything will really come from this because it looks like his dad was/is of foreign descent so he may not even be in the US anymore but I am VERY excited to have some new information and new leads. Even if I don't find the guy, I feel that I'll be able to tell my son I tried everything I could to find him. On another note, I am starting to date. My son is 18 months now. I have a cousin who is divorced and her second husband adopted her son from her first marriage and he has been a real father to the kid and I hope that whether or not I find my son's bio dad / accidental sperm donor, I will find him a great guy to be a real father in the ways that matter most. If you want to be in touch, please shoot me a message. I don't work for that DNA company (FTDNA) and I considered using 23&Me and and others but this one looked best and I think it has best chances of working because everyone has to agree to share contact - and it is being used by lots of adopted kids to connect with their biological families so I don't feel like the only person who doesn't even have a last name to start searching for clues about my son's genealogy.


singlemomnyc - July 25

HI Again, I'm just writing another quick note because I'm happy and relieved to have found this thread. I imagine my suggestions of using DNA may not be for everyone but I'm happy to be in touch. I'm geeky so DNA seemed a natural step in my search. It isn't cheap but I am hispanic and my son always looked hispanic plus something but it could have been any number of cultures so I am at LEAST happy to be able to tell him his father was arab and that clicked with my only fleeting memory of the guy that night so I have at least an image in my head that I can share. I have also tried hypnotherapy to recall lost memories but at the time I still didn't realize the one night stand had happened (like other posters, I convinced myself it hadn't and it only really came clear when I got the first DNA family results) Anyway, happy to be in touch. On a last note, I have also connnected with lots of single moms. It is true that most have information about the fathers so they are in a different boat but many of my friends have kids with guys who are really bad news and often wish they were in my situation instead of theirs. Another group I connected with was Single Mothers by Choice. I try to emulate their perspective on mothering as they have almost all gotten pregnant by sperm donors. I didn't pay or go through doctors to get pregnant but when I decided to keep my son, I knew I would be alone and part of me probably even knew I might never find the dad and I kept him anyway and I LOVE HIM and he is my BEST decision ever. I do my best to give him as much or more love as a kid with 2 parents gets and he is a happy, healthy little guy. I can't drop it completely, because I don't know what my son might be missing (if his dad is a good man) but I refuse to be ashamed or hang on to too much negativity about the best, most wonderful person in my life. I love him. I don't know if any of you have read the kid's books (or seen the movies) about Percy Jackson but all of the kids in that movie have a parent who is missing in action (they are greek gods so it's not a perfect fit but I like to think that the guy that got me pregnant gave me the best gift I could have ever gotten in my life. I don't know if I could have been in a relationship with him or if I would even like him as a person if we met again but I am GRATEFUL to him every day so if/when I ever find him, I will probably tell him about my son, if only to say THANKS. Please, please write back if you want to stay in touch. I have been thinking of starting a non-profit for women like us but I imagine most people keep very quiet about this kind of situation. We may have living, breathing, loving reminders of one very irresponsible night but we have been solely responsible for those same little ones every night since and that is something to be very proud of


BabyMummy - July 25

Wow singlemommyc I am really interested to hear more about this DNA site! I have just had a look and it doesn't make too much sense to me, what exactly does it tell you from the DNA ? I would love to look into this, although I am in New Zealand , hopefully its not only for people in the US and they have records of people all over the world, fingers crossed, would give anything to find out anything about him! The man I feel pregnant too lives in another country to me (australia) thats where I was living when I fell pregnant but I do know he is originally from New Zealand also. We don't have anything like that site over here though. Our kids are quite close in age too, my daughter is 19 months now, and thats so awesome that you are starting to date good on you! :)


BabyMummy - July 25

Im just creating a private FB Group for us to chat on so its a bit easier would love to chat more to you ! I also am still considering going down the track of hypnotherapy but not sure if I will yet, I think that is a GREAT idea about making a organisation for women in our position!! Im trying to create a group now but I am going to make the settings "secret" so no-one can see what we are typing in there nor find it by a search on Facebook I need to know you ladies email address's though so I can add you to the group. So if you feel comfortable could you post them on here for me or if there is a private message feature maybe do it that way?


RebeccaT - November 16



teresa 1 - September 30

How's everyone getting on now?? I'm still searching for my child's father with no luck


singlemomnyc - October 1

Hi Teresa, I am so happy you posted. I "lost" this group and couldn't get back in touch with anyone to follow up. The short story is that the DNA profile I had done at family tree dna (dot) com helped me figure out who my son's father was. I still have no recollection of that night and am just starting to deal with that in therapy now that the ident_ty was resolved and proven. It turned out that my son's father was the first person I suspected and ruled out when he said nothing had happened. I was a fool to trust him and not my instincts. When my son was 2 I saw a post of this guy on facebook and learned his parents were middle eastern (like my son) and not Australian, which is what I thought he was. With that "coincidence" to back me up, I confronted him last year and asked for a paternity test. He is married (and was at the time) and promised to get the test but spent 6 months shuffling his feet about it. In May, I buckled down and filed a paternity pet_tion to force him to get the test. It took a while to process because my son and I moved abroad in 2012 but we eventually got through the test and the results were 99.99% conclusive. I moved forward with the case and he made his first child support payment a couple weeks ago. He is still not interested in meeting my son and has been vague about a possible date to meet in person and has not even responded to invitations to meet via skype. I have to tell you. Now that I have the ident_ty squared away and know my son will get financial support, if nothing else, from his father, I am really starting to process what it was like not knowing - or, more importantly, not wanting to know. In my case, I was on a trip with a large group of friends. The last night I was extremely drunk and one of those friends walked me back to my room. I trusted him. I woke up feeling like a mess, hungover, no recollection of getting back to the room. I was dressed. I wanted to believe nothing happened. I had never had s_x with him on the many times he had "offered" before and I wanted to believe that I wouldn't have gone there. I wanted to believe that he didn't take advantage of a time when I was too drunk to say no. I wanted to believe that I wasn't so drunk that I said yes. I still don't remember how things went down but I am sure they would have not gone down if I was more sober. I struggle with this knowledge. I don't want to feel like a victim. I don't want to feel like my son is a product of something awful. I try to remember that the guy was my friend before. I try to put myself in his shoes to understand how he could have known and lied about it when I asked him if anything happened almost four years ago. I try not to be p__sed at myself for feeling so ashamed I didn't press for a DNA test back then. I think that is the worst part. Knowing that my shame held me back. I tried and still try to be sure that being a single mom is not something that is stygmatized for my son. I don't want him to feel less than anyone and I think I have done a good job at that but I have to accept now how hard it has been on me. So, I will always feel like a part of this group because no one in the world can imagine what I have been through or what many are still going through. I definitely recommend getting a family finder DNA test at one of the many DNA testing sites out there. You might find a match sooner than I did. You might remember things you don't want to remember. You may find clues that support your suspicions. My biggest takeaway for you and anyone in this situation right now is to forgive yourself and allow yourself to think it might be that one person you most hope it isn't. Your subconscious may be burying things. Maybe you are lucky and it was a great guy you met on a random night and maybe you or your kids will track him down through DNA. Maybe it was a normal person who you never find and gave you wonderful family you are grateful for every day. Maybe it was someone you trusted or trust and don't want to think about. If you are happy and your kids are happy, maybe not knowing is better. Maybe something in your subconscious is protecting you. No matter what your situation is, forgive yourself. I am relieved for my parents that I found the guy but I am realizing that he is going to be absentee and only involved financially because I took him to court. We'll be fine. My parents would have been fine. My son would have been fine if we never found him. The money will help and I think now at least I know what I have to process in therapy so that is good but we were great before this was confirmed, too. Love your kids, love yourself. i am learning to accept that maybe I was a victim of someone. Maybe I put myself in a bad situation. Maybe I was date raped by someone I trusted. Maybe we were both drunk and stupid. I may try hypnosis again to put the pieces back together but I will learn to deal with this whether or not I put them back together. My son's life will be whole, whether or not his father is ever in it. I wish I could hug all of you so much. No one really understands where you are, where I've been. I wanted to reach out when I confronted this guy last year. I wanted to share when the DNA test was positive. I wanted to share now, that I am starting to come to terms with what happened. I know I haven't really met you but I love you and am sending you strength and hope and love for you and your little ones.


lovelyme2021 - June 7

- Yess i Am In the exact same situation . Only difference is that i am youngg , as embarr ing as it is im only 15 , but we ALL make mistakes regardless of age. One night at a party , i was drunk and was chatting and flirting with this guy. With no type of thinking i decided to have sex with him . We exchanged numbers afterwards but with guilt i decided not to ever call him or text him at all . 5 days later , i went to spend the night at my boyfriend house & me and him had sex , and more weeks after that but we brooken up . So after 5 weeks of not talking to him i discovered i was 5w1d pregnant. When calculating it took me back to when me & my ex was having sex , so for the next 7 months of my pregnacy i was covinced it was his. I totally forgot about that one night stand. My ex had doubts that it wasn't his , and even told people it wasnt. I slandered his name around , and made fun of how he wasn't claiming his child. Now after 8 months i been realizing ive been measuring 2 weeks ahead. I was so confused as i forgot about the one night stand . Now i remember & now i know that the baby is not my exs. I feel so humiliated , foolish & dumb . Cause after 8 months i didn't even know the guy , it was a one nightstand . I swore a condom was used . But now i have to face the fact that my daughter will never know her father . Her father probably doesn't even know he has a daughter ! I suffer from depression & im not eating regularly . As i feel like its all my fault that she has a father but will never know him . Knowing & reading these stories let me know that i am not alone. Really eases my mind , but not enough . Like i said , everybody has their moments & makes mistakes regardless of age , i was a straight A student with only one B , & i was also on the volleyball team positioned as Outside Hitter . All that got thrown away in a couple of months. Im not even in school anymore. The day i fear the most is when my daughter ask me "Where Is My Daddy" , i feel so horrible . Anybody that feels the need to share their stories can email me , as some encouragment can help too cause i honestly need it ! :)


Grandpa Viv - June 7

Lovelyme, your dates confuse me. When they say you are 5 weeks pregnant it has to be from sex 3 or 4 weeks past. That was way after the one night stand and in the time frame when you and the bf had "more after that." To find you are 5 weeks pregnant means you were a week late on your period when you got tested. It almost seems your one night stand was followed by a normal period which would rule him out. A DNA test on father and child is not too expensive and will resolve the issue and child support responsibility. Teen pregnancy is regrettable for what it does to your education and earning potential, but it is in no way the shame it once was. Talk to your doc about an IUD or implant so you don't end up with yet another child, and see what you can arrange to get some kind of qualification that will let you earn a living. Another guy will show up to be father to your daughter.


lovelyme2021 - June 7

- I had an ultrasound last month on the 18th and the sonographer said that my baby is measuring 31 weeks , so that means my baby was conceived 31 weeks ago. Its all so confusing cause when i enter my due date , it goes back to a conception date around the time me and my bf had sex. But a Dna test is definitely gonna be used & im getting on that 5 year implant so that nothing else happens like this again !


singlemomnyc - June 8

Hi Lovelyme, great that you found the group now. I recommend doing your best to track down the 1-night stand guy, perhaps someone at the party has pictures you can use to identify him and get a paternity test. Ask one from every person you even remotely suspect could have been near you. If they do it nicely, great. Take them to court if they don't. Legal aid will cover you if needed - go to the courts and ask for help with forms to file paternity petition, you can only file one at a time so start with the most likely suspect. Do not rule anyone out who says nothing happened. They may not remember either OR they may simly lie. My son's dad said nothing happened and I believed it, don't make my mistake and stop pressing. If nothing happened, they should not have a problem doing a DNA test. If you think you had his number in your phone, check your phone records around taht time. Maybe you texted it or dialed to record it and you can track that call based on time and ruling out known numbers, even if you deleted the number from your phone. Don't beat yourself up if you never find him but your best chance of finding him is now as your memory and your friends recollections of that night will fade fast. I feel very grateful that my son was finally able to meet his biological dad recently and realize now that it was a major burden I had put on myself but the truth is, now that we are back to normal. I am his father and his mother and that is how things will be probably forever. Don't dread the question, but find a good, honest way to answer it. I always told my son that a friend had helped me make him in my belly and he accepted that and seems to be okay with it. We have a book I recommend: The Family Book by Todd Parr, it shows lots of kinds of families. I think the important thing is that your kid feels like his family is normal, not matter what it looks like and that is awesome. I imagine you are overwhelmed going through your own adolescence while raising a kid but when you are older you are going to appreciate having had all the extra time with your kid. I am 42 now and wish I had had him earlier, even doing everything alone. Take care everyone.


Grandpa Viv - June 8

An ultrasound this late is not as accurate as a first trimester ultrasound. Remember that 31 weeks pregnant (from lmp) suggests that conception was 29 weeks ago (from time of ovulation). I prefer to focus on your 5 weeks pregnant story.



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