Outside Advice Needed I M Falling Apart

11 Replies
sk5 - May 10

okhere it is, I'm 17wks pregnant. I had a great boyfriend, but now I have nothing. I started hanging out with this guy that my boyfriend hated. He continued to tell me not to hang out with him, because he wanted to have s_x with me. I didn't listen. On night we were hanging out and he raped me. I didn't tell my boyfriend. I know that I should've but I just thought if I put it behind me that it would be gone. The guy friend and his friends who were there acted like they did nothing wrong. Since I was drunk that night I thought well maybe it wasn't how I remembered it. I hung out with them again several times. Then I found out I was pregnant. At first it sounded like it was the friend's kid. I finally told my boyfriend not able to live with the guilt anymore. Things blow up but then they started to go ok again.I had told the other guy to go to h__l and never talk to me again. But then I was thinking what if he is the father? So I called him and we went out to dinner and talked about what if... Someone told my exboyfriend and now I can't stop crying, throwing up etc. He won't give me any more chances and it makes me sick. I work with my ex and I am unable to function properly at work. I want to move away to run from the pain because I can't deal with it any more. But I want to stay and hope that things can be good again. Now from my ultra sounds it sounds like the baby is my ex boyfriends and he just won't believe it. I hurt so bad all the time. I just need a bit of advice... wills omeone help me????


April - May 10

Wow... you are in a tough situation... I would just say that hopefully things will get better with time (they usually do). How long ago did you and your ex break up? It sounds like all this stuff is pretty fresh. First thing though.. DO NOT talk to the guy that raped you again... even if you still think the baby is his. As for the father, he was obviously hurt by everything that went on. I would just give him a little bit of space and time. After a while, when things calm down, he may have a change of heart and you will be able to explain things and he will listen. Until then, do whatever you can to take care of yourself and your baby. How closely do you work with your ex? Is there a way you can talk to your boss and he can seperate you two so you don't have to see him. (and trust me... it's better if you don't see him... my ex dumped me (when i was 4 months pregnant) for another girl.. and everything became easier for me when i stopped talking to/seeing my ex for a while) Also if possible, surround yourself with people who love you... friends.. family.. I don't know if you live by any of them, but if you don't, call them on the phone. Talking helps. and if you can't talk.. and you feel like you're obsessing or thinking too much... write your feelings down to get them out of your head... this works for me anyway so it wouldn't hurt to try... You can also see a counselor. I have been, and it's helped me tremendously. There are so many things you can do... just try and find something that makes you feel good and works for you (and is healthy for you and your baby) and do that. You're in a VERY tough situation right now, but I believe 100% that everything happens for a reason, and everything works out for the best in the end. It's the c___p in the middle that sucks.


question - May 11

How on earth can you tell from an ultrasound who's baby it is? Maybe I'm not up to date on my technology? Can someone please elaborate? Thx.


April - May 11

I'm guessing by the due date... then you'd be able to tell the conception date... and if the guys are far enough apart you'd be able to tell that way... but it wouldn't be PROOF per-say.. just a better guess... the only way to truly tell paternity is through a DNA test


sk5 - May 11

April thankyou for the advice I was going crazy. The work situation is kinda tough. He is the manager and I am the a__sissant manager. Right now if i leave the store will be screwed. There is another girl who is training for my job since I was planning on leaving after the baby was born. We work mostly opposite shifts but I still end up seeing him about 5 days out of the week. I'm sorry about your situtation also. I know exactly how much it sucks. Yesterday I called the guy who raped me and told him to stop calling me and he said ok. So he's out of the picture. To answer the question for the other girl. I was raped on Feb. 4th right now by looking at the ultra sound my conception date is back to Jan 10th. So that's how that works. The baby grows so fast.


~S~ - May 11

Sorry to hear about your situation, that's really hard. I can't say I can relate, but I can say I understand how you must feel about possibly not having the father around. My bf and I just experienced a "break-up" although he's so confusing about it, there's days when I'm not sure if we're broke up because he says things like "I love you baby" and other stuff but then there's days when he reminds me that he's single. It hurts and plays with my emotions. Anyways....all I can say is just pull away, for now. You need to start the healing process and focus on you, your life and your baby. Time will only tell if your bf will have a change of heart, but if you want to see this you HAVE TO give him time and space. Do not pressure him, that will only push him further and further away. Men are very stubborn and seem to act on impulse. I'm sure somewhere deep in his heart he does believe that the baby is his, and I'm sure he does want to be there, but he needs his time. I'm doing the same with my "boyfriend" (if he still is) He needs time to sort out his life, he knows I still want to be with him, but he's told me to just step back for a bit and time will tell. I hate this, but if I want the best, I've gotta do this. It's hard to even begin to think about "getting over" your relationship, but it's for the best, because if things don't end up working out, then it'll only make it that much easier on you. Take care and best of luck.


what is going on - May 11

am i the only one that thinks that somethings wrong with this picture??? first of all, if you truly loved your boyfriend and respected him, why would you be hanging out with someone that he hates-much less drinking and having a good time with him??? second, if this guy raped you than why would you continue to hang out with him, regardless of the possibility if the baby is his or not! how could you want to be around someone that raped you, took advantage of you...your boyfriend is a good one to have stuck with you for as long as he did. you violated his trust and withheld important information from him...and you wonder why he doesnt believe you


April - May 11

easy now "what is going on" sometimes guys can be "sweet talkers" and make you think your boyfriend is being a dillhole for telling you who you can or can't hang out with... and then sometimes if the guys are smooth enough they can make you believe they were sorry for raping you.... also some girls are more succeptible to things than others... some may call it "gullable." don't judge until you've been in that situation, or unless you know this girl personally. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me with 8 different girls (that I know of) more times than he can even count. Why did i stay with him for so long? He was one hell of a smooth talker. So I can see how she would be fooled by this guy. But you're right about her boyfriend being a good guy for sticking with her. That's why I think she should just give him a chance to cool off and work through things.


whats going on - May 12

sorry April, if you love someone, then you would respect them. she didnt state that her boyfriend lied to her, it was the other way around. she was gullable for someone who wasnt even her boyfriend. when you are in a relationship, no other man should be able to "smooth talk" you. or maybe im crazy for thinking that once you get into a relationship there should be respect, commitment, and trust.


April - May 12

I do agree with you... that all those things should be had in a relationship... and you SHOULD respect your partner if you truly love them, but you also have to realize that for some people it doesn't work out that way. That's all I was saying. Some people just get sucked in really easy. You may not be that way, I am not that way, but maybe sk5 is. She may not even really be that way, she might've just got caught up in it all. Everyone's different. Some people are married for 10 years and then decide to cheat.. that's not respecting your partner and shouldn't happen, but it does. Sometimes things happen that shouldn't have. All I'm saying is that she probably feels really bad right now, she's pregnant, she seems to regret what she did, and everyone makes mistakes. The most important part in making a mistake is learning from it.


Anya - June 1

First of all, I'm glad you've given us the opportunity to offer you our support! I agree with April--the guy that raped you is a coward, and he's not a friend. If he continues to hara__s you now, I'd remind him that rape is a crime and that he'd better leave you the hell alone. "What's going on," no one can judge another, because not a person on this earth knows it all. But people sure like to THINK they do. sk5, for what it's worth, I think you need to examine the relationship you had with your ex. Was he controlling? Were you free to make your own decisions? Did he support you in your decisions? Did you feel smothered? etc. etc. etc. AND THEN, ask yourself if all of those things are THINGS YOU CAN LIVE WITH. He might be / is the father of your baby, but look PAST that for a minute. This relationship is about you and him before it's about you and him and the baby. Sometimes it's easier to hang on to a hope, a dream, an idea, than to let it go and move on. Sometimes it's easier to hang on to a man and ENDURE, than to let him and the future you had laid out in your mind go...but sometimes, it's not the best. Sometimes, hanging on does more damage in the long-run than letting go. Just a thought.


Anya - June 14

sk5, what has happened since your last post?



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