Should I Contact The Father

6 Replies
WaitN4Baby - February 28

To those of you who have been deserted by your baby's father during pregnancy: Did you or would you contact them when the baby is born? Personally, I don't want to because mine said very hurtful things about me and we did not end our relationship (of 3 years) on friendly terms. I don't think he has a right to see the baby until he steps up and helps support her financially, but maybe I am just bitter because of the way he treated me. Please share your opinions or experience.


krc - February 28

i think a mother should make some effort for the father to see the baby regardless of the circ_mstances. Unless he is a danger to the child of course. That way when they child is old enough they will not resent you. You can hold your head high and look your child in the eye and say... son or daughter, as you know your biological father has never been around but I want you to know it wasn't because I refused or never gave him the chance. I tried to arrange time for him to be with you, I sent him letters and pictures with an open invite and never gave up. It was his decision to not be a part of your life. That way your relationship shouldn't be damaged.


April - March 3

When my ex first left me, I was still going to call him when I was in labor. BUT, over the course of my pregnancy he did some pretty horrible things; including avoiding me, getting engaged to a 19-year-old (I had to find that out from our mutual friends.. well, his ex-friends), telling everyone I got pregnant on purpose (rediculous), telling everyone the baby wasn't his (rediculous), not even calling to see if we were still alive, and then some... then he had the nerve to tell my mom that he'd done nothing wrong. It got to the point towards the end of the pregnancy where if I even heard his name it stressed me out. Well, the week before I had our daughter he sent me an email. Just seeing his name in my inbox made my heart race and I'm sure my blood pressure went up. I just got so angry and stressed. I KNEW that if I couldn't even see his name on a computer screen without getting upset, there's no way I could have him in the same building with me when I was in labor. Keep in mind you are supposed to be as relaxed as possible when you're in labor... makes things go a LOT easier. I didn't even call him until the day AFTER she was born (and she was born at 5am.. haha.. so I had a whole day with her to myself). He ended up showing up at the hospital at 7 that night, stayed for an hour, signed the paternity papers, and left. Then he came to my house a week later to visit our daughter and hasn't been back since (except for the time he brought his fiance with him and I wouldn't let her in the house... so they left). This is the point I'm trying to make...... don't think about it until your deliver gets closer. If, when the time comes, the thought of him stresses you out... it's perfectly okay to call him AFTER you have the baby and let him know he or she was born. If he ends up having a problem with that... say "well you should've thought about that when you left." Like krc said... it was his decision.


April - March 3

One more thing... I also want to say that I agree with krc that you should make every effort for the father to see the baby after the baby's born. After you've made several attempts with no real response from the father, then it's safe to stop without any future resentment from your child. Because, after all, your job isn't to chase after the father. This is what I did after my daughter was born... My ex and I only talk through emails. This way everything we say is doc_mented. (Which will come in handy should a custody battle ever ensue... I also keep a list of dates and times that we've talked, had any contact at all--including court dates, when I've taken our daughter to see one of his family members, or anything else significant). I would email him saying that he really needs to come see our daughter at least 2-3 times a week so she'll get to know him. He'd email back saying he's busy but would like to set up a time to come see her... most of the time, he never set up a date or a time. When he DID (that one time.. haha) I wrote down the time he got to my house, and the time he left. After writing a few months-worth of emails trying to get him to come see our daughter, I eventually gave up on contacting him. He can contact me if he wants to see her. But at least this way, if my daughter ever really wants to know, I have proof that I did everything I could to get him to come see her. (BTW.. I would not and will not allow him to take her out of the house without me until she knows him and feels comfortable with him). Another thing, ANY time one of his family members (usually his mom) has called and asked me to bring our daughter over to see them, I have. This also looks good in court, and it's good for my daughter to know her grandparents. His mom has even came over to my house a few times to see our daughter... and his sister and dad have been here too. It's really sad that he can't come... but I can't force him.


ctgirl - March 4

Hi April. I have seen you post a few times. Is this your first child? Has the hurt and pain of being left alone when you were pregnant gotten easier now that the baby is here? I posted a few weeks ago (12 weeks pregnant and the engagement off). I come babk once and a while to read posts, but sometimes feels that some of the women on here are so harsh. Kind of counter productive for what all of us are going through. Wishing you happiness.


ctgirl - March 4

To waitn4baby. When are you due? Do you have time to decide about contacting him? I am pg with 2nd child. First one is 9 now. Her dad deserted us too, but did come around for birth and now sees her all the time and is a good dad. As for this 2nd pg, not sure that he will even come around. We were engaged, and he called it off b/c I would not get an abortion. Now I am 15 weeks pg, and he wants nothing to do with me or baby. I guess I have to wait to see how things go........It is so painful to wake up everyday and know that he is not here. I feel silly that I am 30 and pg with no father is sight again. Not sure what to tell my daughter's friends parents when I start to show. I am from New England, so everyone is so conservative. I am so angry that I am single again. I know with the first child it goes away when the baby comes. It just so hard that I have 25 more weeks. Sending you love.


April - March 4

Yes, this is my first child. I can HONESTLY say that the hurt is GONE... completely gone. I know that there are some women who still can't say that... but I think there comes a point where you just have to let go and move on. I don't know exactly when that point came for me, but I remember finally thinking... "You know what? He just wasn't that into me... and he obviously isn't the guy I thought he was. So I wasn't into the REAL him either.. because I didn't even know the real him." That's when I realized that our whole relationship was basically a lie, the guy I thought I was with wasn't even real... and breaking up with the guy he really is.. was no big loss to me... he's the loser in all this because he doesn't get to spend the time with our daughter that I do. I don't even care anymore that he did all that to me, it's like I'm at peace with it now. I just know that it made me a LOT stronger, and it probably prepared me to be an even better mom than I would've if that wouldn't have happened. It also gave me an experience to share with you ladies and maybe help some of you feel less alone. Plus it made living without him easy. I TRULY do NOT want to be with someone who would do that to ANY girl.. let alone me! I'm just so happy with the way things worked out. My ex still isn't coming around, and I feel bad for my daughter that she has a father like that, but someday I'll find her a great dad.. and me a great husband. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy every second with her, and give her the best life that I possibly can. Babies really are amazing. Whenever I'm upset... all I have to do is look at her.. and she gives me this gigantic grin and then everything's better. She's my world and I love it. Thank you for the wishes of happiness... I wish the same for you (and all of the rest of you ladies too). Keep your heads up ladies.. things get better.



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