Who Needs A Father Anyways

10 Replies
Candice95567 - January 30

So, I could use a little advise. I have always been the type of girl to prove people wrong. I would contribute most of this to my always unaproving, druggy, father, who was always high and doubted everything I did. Well now, a year away from my bachlors degree, I had what you might call a break down. I was drinking very heavily and dating two men around the same time. Lets just say, I was in no way careful, and completly out of my charactor. Big suprise I am preggo with two possible canidates, which has remained and will remain for a while one of the biggest secrets I have ever had to keep. I have told my family and friends the news, and just said I new the father brefily, and we are not seeing each other anymore... which isnt far from the truth right? I left out the part that I have no idea which one of the two it is. Initally after the booze wore off, I had taken plan B... Which obviously didnt work... Yeeha Im the lucky 5%. So my question is... It has been eatiing at me which one of them is the father, and I really dont want to suck it up and tell either of them. Would I be considered a bad mother in my childs eyes, if i was the reason their father had no idea they existed? Should I tell both they have a 50% chance of being a father and deal with that additional stress right now? Or just let it slide and swallow my guilt? Any Ideas would be greatly appreciated. Oh.. P.S. I am fully prepared to take on all financial responcibility by myself, and one of the two canidates, I would never want to have any kind of custory of my child. He is arabian, and I noticed he had serious possession issues right before I broke up with him.


iona - January 30

Well you are in a bit of a mess. YES it is fair, honest, and the right thing to do to tell both of them they could be the father. You made a mistake, and now you have the chance to try and make it better and do the right thing. Don't jump the gun and prejudge your Arab ex. To say you would never want him to have any kind of custody is just not nice. Think of the good and positive you saw in him before this pregnancy. Try to remember that. Plus if you look inward, you were living a wreckless lifestyle drinking heavily AND sleeping around....do you think its fair for someone to say they wouldn't want you to have any kind of custody because you are not a suitable mom....? Of course not, you too made a mistake. So fess up. Tell them both. Hopefully both will step up to the plate and take responsibility if necessary. On a side note and I hope you don't mind me saying (you asked for advice), you had a dead beat dad--according to your post--and now you have been involved with TWO men at the same time that you are not proud of...do you think you might benefit from some kind of therapy....We are all haunted by our past and our parents for the good or bad have a huge influence on how we are. You do not want to fall into the pattern and have history repeat itself with yourself or your child. Good luck!!!


gummibear - January 31

by possession do you mean drug possession, or is he a possessive type of guy (possessive of you)? you need to tell them eventually so they can expect a paternity test after you have the baby. you can wait but things only get more stressful. waiting for things to calm down is a fallacy - there's always something new to deal with. the only reason to wait, if i were you, would be in case i lost the baby. but i wouldn't hold my breath. i'd set a date by which to tell - ie x weeks or end of first trimester or whatever. don't let this hover over you - its added stress. get it over with and move onto the next problem.


tayeana - January 31

okay...what is it with this Therapy thing??? Maybe it's an American thing? I don't know. But this site is not for American's only. Everyone on this planet has issues...NOBODY is perfect! So does EVERYONE go and see a therapist because they made mistakes or they made an in error in judgment?? The girl is not in denial about what she did wrong! So why rush everyone to therapy Iona? Maybe it worked for you in the past, but some people get very offended by that suggestion when it comes from someone that doesn't know you. So i think you need to be careful how you keep throwing it out there! Just because she mentioned having a bad father figure, now you think you know the whole situation and she should see someone??? How do you get to that conclusion so fast? it's amazing.... Anyway i think you should be careful because most of the women that are on this forum are already emotionally vulnerable so suggestions like that hit a little harder than usual and can be interpreted in a wrong way...It's one thing to tell someone that you have been in the same situation and therapy helped you and it's another to tell someone that it seems they have hidden issues because their father was a druggy and they should see a therapist. Doctors (maybe even close friends and family) are supposed to advise people to seek therapy...not strangers! I think some of you on this "single and pregnant" forum are a bit too judgemental and come on here for the wrong reasons. I wonder if you are even single and pregnant?? I have left this websites forum because it doesn't help. All it seems to be is just a reminder of how messed up it is being a single and pregnant...I already know that! I don't come on here to have that thrown back in my face everytime i seek understanding. If you'd like candice95567 check out babyfit dot com. The women there a much more understanding and you'll probably find someone in the same boat as you that you can talk to! That's just my 2 cents...


gummibear - February 1

*rolls eyes at tayeana* ppl shouldn't be so negative about therapy. it's not for everyone, but it's a choice more ppl should recognize as just that - an option. i'd criticize someone for shoving it down someone's throat, and do the *same* for someone criticizing for suggesting it. YOU shouldn't get mad at iona just bc you didn't like her suggesting therapy to you. if ppl on here don't want suggestions from ppl who don't know them, they don't (or shouldn't) post here (or anywhere online really), period. its STUPID to say that ONLY one group of ppl - here doctors - can suggest something that *may* be helpful to that person. get over your stupid equating of therapy = "crazyhouse", or don't leak the idea to others. >I have left this websites forum because it doesn't >help. sometimes you get out what you put in (negativity). i'm unmarried and was pregnant, and am now a mother. i've been here since last summer and come back to offer help/feedback to others going thru that 'oh c___p' phase. that moment of looking at the test saying 'oh c___p" and trying to figure out what to do next, how to tell my family and friends -- been there. and the overwhelm and the crying about it. did that. did i go to therapy? no. would it have helped? maybe. would i bite someone's head off for suggesting it? of course not. if you want someone to talk to who is going thru the same specific situation, for venting purposes, then say so. if you want suggestions on what to do w/an eye to the long run, then say so. they are two different things. and for the record, i have NEVER called someone's ideas on here stupid, but yours are completely infuriating to criticize someone for offering suggestions to someone else on the sole basis of 'you're not qualified to make that suggestion'. there are FAR TOO MANY women who need it to be suggested, for whom it will help, and for whom there's no one else to suggest it, to ignore your response or recognize it as anything but asinine. gummibear


iona - February 1

Tayeana, you ask why did I suggest therapy...? Hmmm let me just say for starters that Candices's mom obviously chose the wrong guy to father her child, in her words "unapproving and DRUGGY". And understandably as a result Candice has suffered quite a bit. Candice had a "break down" which lead to a phase of heavy drinking and VERY risky s_xual behavior which lead her to be pregnant and NOT KNOW who the father is. (This kind of behavior pattern is also very likely to repeat itself.) This now has resulted in her keeping "one of the biggest secrets" ever kept in her life. This seems to be to be a lady who could very well benefit from some outside help/advice/therapy.


sabrinasmom - February 2

Candice95567-At the end of the day it's still your decision of whether you keep a big secret, be a single mom, go to therapy etc, etc. My personal opinion is I think you might have a less stressful 9 months if you came clean now and told each potential father the 50/50 possibility. I think regardless of your mistakes or theirs that they each deserve to know they may soon be a father. Paternity tests can be done quickly, and through the mail. Whether they are expensive or not depends on your budget. If you were acting out of character before now may be the time to act with integrity.


jenna32 - February 16

It is really honestly up to you,just look at the pros and cons of everything. I understand not wanting a bad father around, i am kind of in a similar boat, everybody says a "child needs one", but i guess that depends on a lot of factors,like who the mother is,if the child has other men in their life,how well you deal with the stress of doing it on your own etc. I don't know if you have other kids but as a single mom of one, sometimes i do get pretty stressed out and i am a pretty patient loving woman. i always wanted a child ever since i was a little girl and i still find it to get quite stressful. If you had the father around you would take off quite a bit of stress and you'd be less likely to show your anger to your l.o. I still think i am doing a very good job for being a single parent, i mean i don't hit her or anything but sometimes you just want to throw the baby out the window,lol. On the other hand he does lead a negative lifestyle and i understand all of that, my dd's father is the same way. He isn't even paying support,he claims he " can't afford it",he still sees her about once every month or 2. That's something else to consider is that you would be getting money from him,which is a real positive. if you don't have a lot of support from other people it can be hard financially. GL


newbaby2009 - February 17

Um...your child needs a father. What kind of statement is that?


colettejane - April 20

Candice 95567. Congradulations on your pregnancy. I have a toddler age 2 1/2 which I mostly rear on my own. Her father decided he wanted to be a father when I had an emergency section (so he could boast about watching it down in the pub). He has only changed about 3 nappies and done 2 bottle feeds since she has been born and wont even mind her the novelty soon wore off. She is better off without him. There is a child down the road that is 7 her mother is claiming that he is the father but neither will do the test to prove it. My daughter could have be her half sister and both deserve to know that but I cant do anything about it until the girl turns 16 and then I will pay for the test if they want it done. You can rear the baby on your own it will be hard work but at least get the dna test done so that you can tell your baby its father's name and when they get older at least he/she can track the father down. Your child deserves at least to have the name as she/he will always wonder about him and in this day and age he could have a lot of kids fathered and your child could end up going out with half brother/sister then you have real problems. colettejane


babyb - April 20

I am in the exact same boat at you are. i was stupid and slept with two guys around the same time, one i knew already as he's my first son's dad and the other guy i met online but as he's indulged to me he doesn't see us going anywhere, how nice! anyway i am 10 weeks pregnant and i have told both possibles and the online guy says get an abortion or else and he has done almsot everything including puttingm e down and making me feel bad about myself which is totally working, that is was working. This guy won't leaveme alone cause he has two kids already from a failed marriage and can't afford more child support and on and on. fine! i told him i wold not name him as the father even if the test is positive for him as the father and i would do it all my own well, this guy is not good with that as i "might come after him in 10 years for back pay" argh!!! all true though! right? The other guy whom i've known forever is ok, he didn't request an abortion and is being ok about it, but if it is his i am taking him back which people will have a hard time with probably including me but it might be diff this time, who knows. Anyway in seven months it will all be over and we will all know who the lucky daddy is. I wish you luck. I think you should tell the possible daddy's if you haven ot already. And don't worry, your not alone in your stupidity, lol



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