Emotional Connection With Baby

11 Replies
fitzerin - September 19

So I have no emotional connection to my baby yet. I'm 38 weeks and 4 days...due on the 29th and I still feel nothing for him. While I want to be done being pregnant, I'm not excited about meeting my son. I don't feel love for him yet. I'm nervous that I will still feel this way even after he is born. Has anyone felt this detatched from their unborn child but felt the connection after childbirth? I just don't want to be staring at this "stranger" in the nursery feeling like I'm babysitting for someone else's kid.


rebolson - September 19

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from...and I appreciate your candor...I found it hard to admit that when I was going through it. I'm pregnant with my second child, but when I was pregnant with my first, I felt the same way you do now. I felt SO BAD about feeling that way. When I told my friend about my feelings, she said, "Join the club! But, when you deliver, it'll change." I was 33 when I had him so that was 33 years of "just me" (and my husband). I didn't know how it would be with this little "stranger" in our house. Plus, there are no other kids in our family and I wasn't much into babysitting when I was younger, so my experience with babies/kids was next to nothing. Turns out, she was right. I felt an instant connection with my son when he was born. Now I can't imagine what life would be without him and can't remember what it was like when he wasn't here yet.


inuk-mama - September 19

I went through the same thing when pregnant with our son. I didn't feel I had any connection with him, and I honestly didn't want to share my love between two kids. (DD was 7) but as soon as he was born, all the love I had in me came rushing out at him. Now I know that I have room to love two kids just as much as I loved one. I look at it like this, when you're pregnant, you're tummy grows to support a baby, while it is growing, so is your heart and when the baby is born, you immediatly know what the meaning of true love is. It is hard to imagine right now, but it will be there. I can't imagine a world without my two kids anymore. And I hate being away from them for more than a few hours.


Terio - September 19

I laughed a little when I read this ~ Fitzerin, you have nothing to worry about. I've read your posts and know you'll be a great mother. It's so weird, because all the time when I was pregnant, I would talk to this little "thing" that seemed like such a mystery. When she arrived, I even forgot to ask for about 30 seconds whether it was a girl or boy, because I was in such awe. I was in total love the moment I saw her. Never fear - those instincts kick in in no time. And in all honesty, the most annoying thing to me is hearing a crying baby - but for some reason when it's MY little baby crying now, it's no longer annoying (LOL) and I want to swoop her up and make it all go away for her. And I think everything is soo cute suddenly - even getting up every 4 minutes to put the pacifier back in her mouth when I'm trying to get work done is just fine with me. Tee hee. Granted, she's only 6 weeks old now. When she's 14 and backtalking me and hiding cigarettes in her backpack, I probably won't find all her antics quite so cute. :-) You'll do fine - it will be instant love, just wait.


Buffi R. - September 19

Don't worry if it's not an instant connection either. With my first (I have a five year old son), he arrived at 32 weeks very unexpectedly. I wasn't ready for him at home yet (I hadn't even had my baby showers yet), and he was in the NICU right away. We didn't get much opportunity for bonding until a few days had past. At a week old, he got deathly ill from an infection (he's fine now, thank God) and I remember at that moment how fiercely I loved him. I wouldn't say it took a whole week to feel the love, but gradually built up over that week and overwhelmed me when he got sick. Maternal instinct is a powerful thing.


falafal0 - September 20

I do know what your're feeling and know many other women as well. With my first 11 years ago, I felt that way. I was only 19 when I had him. I was overwhelemd about EVERYTHING, and felt 'weird' being big and pregnant and feeling this baby move inside me. When he was born, it was a surreal experience, very fast (only 5.5hrs) and he was suddenly there. I do think i had a bit PND though. But still, it took me a little while to feel total love for him. A better way to explain it might be that it took me awhile to feel like he was 'mine'. I did feel like I was taking care of some else's baby and that I was doing nothing right. One day he was crying and I had this sudden, overwhelming, all drenching feeling of love sweep through me and he was mine! I'd die for him! He was about 7 week then and everything kind of slipped into place. I'm 31 weeks with our fifth now and even though that awe and love is there with each baby when I actually hold them for the first time, it takes me awhile during the pregnancy to feel connected, more so at the end when they are constantly moving and I know what time it is without looking at the clock because they're into a routine. Youc an't imagine life without them once their born, but find it hard to imagine life with them before they are, you know? Just take each day as it comes ad work towards getting things ready, doing things that will help you be close and think about the baby - good luck >-)


docbytch - September 20

Yes...absolutely. In fact...it took some time after the birth of my daughter to start to even feel that connection. First several months at least. I was extremely detached during the entire pregnancy. I was, like falafal, only 19. My mother did not help matters much either because she just chalked it all off to my being "nonmaternal" Women don't make it any easier for each other in matters like this....we are all so harshly judgmental of each other as mothers!! Reading these forums sure as hell illustrates that. I do believe that you will come to love your son...likely sooner than later. You have shown already in some of your earlier posts that your concern for his welfare is very maternal. You will be a great mom!! You may even come to find out that your ident_ty as a person separate from him does not have to be wholly subjugated. At least that's what I found out.. It is understandably harder to feel "instant love" for a person you were not planning to have. Also true in the case of my daughter. Your worry speaks loud and clear about your genuine concern for him. I believe in you 8-)


fitzerin - September 20

Thank you to everyone that posted. I guess I just needed to be reminded that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I sometimes feel like I do because I read people say "I can't wait for my little one ot get here" or "I love him/her so much already" and I feel bad because I don't feel that. I can't express these feelings to my friends because they don't understand. Thank you again everyone!


WP - September 20

I felt exactly the same way too, fitzerin. I never really wanted to have kids and my son was a surprise at 34, so I always felt like I had an alien in my stomach. Like docbytch, it took me a while to grasp how much my life had changed and to really bond with my son - even during b___stfeeding. Just the fact that you're worried about it says that you'll be a great mother. Remember this post, because I'm pretty sure in a few days/weeks/months you and your husband will talking falsetto to him and generally acting like total a__ses just to make him smile :) I know I could have lived a full and wonderful life without children, but I'm really glad I had them and have NEVER regretted my decision.


J.J. - September 20

And don't feel bad if there's not a strong emotional connection even when the baby is born. I felt the immediate mothering obligation to feed and care for my son, but didn't get the "light shining from above, angels singing, omg, i have this special bond" thing going on. A friend who went thru the same thing warned me about this as well. It took some time to grow. I now realize that i'm not a huge baby fan. Some people LOVE the "blob" infant stage, but i prefer them when they're more reactive to stimulants, around 4 months and on. All that said, now on my second (and likely last) preg, i'm more connected to this one, and more excited than i was w/the first.


claire83 - September 20

i have four girls and im pregnant another girl, but when i was pregnant with the first i did not think much about the connection with my child then when i gave birth i felt nothing really just kept staring at her checking she was still breathing lol it felt very strange to me like i was a permanent baby sitter but i grew to love her and when i had my second it felt like i was a mum lol how strange is that


sarah21 - September 21

I just wanted to say thank you to all you ladies who are being totally honest and transparent. It makes me feel so much better to know that my feelings are not unusual and are not wrong. Sometimes I feel guilty. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant yet. I am 21, my husband is 28, and we've been married 2 years and own our home, so we have a perfectly stable life and no reason to NOT have kids, but still, it felt like too soon and it scares me sometimes to think of how this little one will fit into our lives. But now I know that it will work out and a couple months after little one is here, we'll be saying "How did we live without him/her?" Thanks again!



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