Holiday Drama Opinions Needed Please

17 Replies
alirenee86 - December 6

...hi all. Sorry, as I'm in like my 4th Trimester here and maybe shouldn't be in this forum, as I had our baby boy November 10th. But he's here, just in time for the holidays and I know many of you are execting very soon as well and might have some opinions as to what you would do in my situation with your new little one that will be here soon. I appreciate any opinions/responses. ...Well, I'm extremely distraught/upset as my family is VERY small. We are SO excited now to have our baby here, my husband and I, as well as his grandparents which he has only one set. My husband literally has zero family and is an only child. My parents were at our house for Thanksgiving just passed, my only sister stayed at her house 2 hours away in CT with her fiance out of spite as she wanted my parents and everybody to be at her house for Thanksgiving. (she has no children and 3 years younger than me). My parents chose to come spend Thanksgiving with us as Justin was only a week old. They love him and love spending time with him. They told my sister however they were coming to our house for Thanksgiving and would spend one holiday with each of us (so her house for Christmas). My husband and I assuemed they'd be here with their first grandchild for christmas and my mom has been saying, 'we still don't know what we're doing for Christmas'. With my sister not even being married yet, no kids yet, why would my sister be insisting on the biggest holiday of the year being at her house and putting m yparents in a position of making them feel they have to choose. It's getting to my mom and I got very upset at her when I heard it's even a question as to who they'd be spending Christmas with. I asked everybody to be here this holiday season as he's only a month old now. My mom is now saying she's out of the family, she can't take all the blaming and everyone thinking they're right and she can't choose. I told my sister she's a terrible Aunt and my mom that I was extremely dissappointed she has such a choice to make. My sister's getting married next year and could save the need to have Christmas at her house for next year. Our baby is only a few weeks old for once in his life and while my Mom understands why we want to be at home with him, my dad already told my sister, 'we'll spend one holiday with each' and my sister is holding them to it. Being solely responsible for our small family's seperation out of her own spite to have Christmas at her house. I told m yparents they're whipped by her. My mom is saying she's better off getting out of here and getting on a plane. ALL she cares about is family and her grandchild aside from my husband and I, more than anyone else. She's put in a very terrible position by my selfish sister and stupid father that caters to her and I'm afraid for my mom's sanity now. I know all I care about is my own child and family now, but it's so sad to me to see our small family being ripped apart at the seams for the holidays which our new baby is the first new addition to our entire family in years and years. I feel somewhat of guilt that I once again should have bit my tongue for the sake of my Mom's sanity and let them go to her house for Christmas, but my husband and I just feel that's SO f*cked up. Shame on my sister for tearing us all apart for her own spite and selfishness. Am I right to hate my sister?? At almost every holiday she pulls very selfish nonsense and nothing is ever really done or said or made too big a deal about. Now that we have a child and she flat out said, 'it's not all about you and your child', I feel like f*ck you, you terribly selfish Aunt. This all in turn is ripping my mom apart but I feel it's out of my control. I don't know how to just let it go. Should I have picked up with my baby packing all his 'baby's first Christmas' stuff and drove 2 hours each way to my unmarried sister's house?? And why is my mom being so diplomatic making it like nobody can get along. Meanwhile, I feel her and my dad should have told her from the beginning this year it should be at our house. They're new grandparents, she's a new and only aunt. He's only a month old. ...Thanks again so much for your responses and sorry if this is all too much for a simple opinion and that a serious shrink is really needed here...

 

Rainbowbrite - December 6

I (being an outsider can see all points of view) your sister seems very selfish and really not a great aunt but at the same time it was told to her one holiday at each of your houses! I can see why you and your mom feel stuck in the middle but if it was told to you that you get thanksgiving and she gets xmas you should just let it be the way it was said it would be. I understand maybe you'd wished they had changed their minds and your stubborn little sister would make it easier for everyone... but you can see that is not going to happen. And maybe you need to just let it be and not let your mom be put in the middle because she is having to chose between her own children and being a new mother yourself i'm sure you can understand why you're mom is trying to make it no one persons fault. It is probably tearing her up inside to be put in the middle of having to chose which family member to go see... I do understand you totally wanting your parents to be there and i'm sure they want to be there but i do think it shoudn't be a pick and chose situation. But then again i'm on the outside and i don't know your family and your sister... and i'm not even saying your sister is right. it is obvious she is selfish and that PROBABLY won't ever change... but you are kind of putting your mom in the middle too... maybe you should just enjoy christmas with your own little family this year, and maybe you're mom and dad will make time to come see you before heading off to your sister and please don't take any of this personally.. like i said i'm just an outsider...

 

socurbaby7 - December 6

i agree with rainbowbrite.... honestly your parents probably said one holiday at each house to avoid this kind of conflict, and yes it is important with the new addition to the family and all... but no offense, your baby wont rememeber this christmas anyway and there wouldnt be much to do other than to just adore your little lo.... so with that being said.... the baby has no sense of time, so if maybe your parents could come and spend some time with you before or after going to your sisters maybe that would work... but think about this... next year you will have the power and a beautiful one year old to have christmas with and the whole family at your house to enjoy her first real christmas with.... so enjoy the fact that you will have that next year... just a thought

 

margie - December 6

Oh man, family stuff can get crazy sometimes can't it? Well, I do think that your sister is being selfish and honestly it may be because she's used to being the baby of the family and spoiled it sounds like...she is jealous now that you have been getting all the attention probably being pregnant and having the first grandchild. I wish I knew a way for you to tell her that her jealous is really unfounded and that she will have her time to shine when she has a child but it sounds like she is too stubborn to have a conversation and listen to reason. I feel sorry for your mom, this all sounds really hard on her, try to be understanding and kind with her because she loves you, your sister and your father and I'm sure that this is tearing her apart being torn in so many different ways. My mom when she was alive sometimes would deal with the same things with my sisters when we would have stupid arguments about these type of things, she tried her best to be neutral and my dad never really got involved. I would say that you have to do whats right for your baby regardless of how you feel...if that means staying at home with him because you dont feel comfortable taking him on such a long drive in the cold weather, then do it! If it means you think its really important for him to be around his family at christmas if they will not budge then do that...but just be sure you are doing what is right for him, personally id be afraid of him getting sick or something, but i also live somewhere that it doesnt get that cold ever (phoenix) so the idea of having an infant out in the cold weather freaks me out a little bit. I hope that everyone can agree and make it a nice holiday and not a stressed out and angry one...I know easier said than done isn't it sometimes?

 

Sims1 - December 6

my opinion is that your parents had already said they would spend the next holiday with your sister. so i do see your sister pt of view as well. i understand that it is an emotional time ie xmas. but at the same time, if it means that much to you, why not have xmas eve with your sister and then xmas day with you. you said they are two hours away that's actually not that far at all. i'd just let it go and not put your parents in such a predicament. if your mom has already expressed to you that this is really stressing her out why not just let be for now since they already promised your sister xmas being with her. i think it is strange of your sister insisting so much adn not just getting in her car and heading to your place for xmas so everyone can be together. its just wierd because i love my sisters kids more that i might love her so i would do naything for them. but at the same time, since your parents had decided this a while ago, you should have said something then instead of now. these are just my two cents. tell your sister to eat it, and then you just let it go and enjoy your first xmas with your son. i'm sure the three of them there will not be fun for them and your sister will then feel like an idiot.

 

KRISTINA - December 6

No offence, but yes I think your sister is not being understanding and is selfish, but you are just being a baby. First off they already said they were going to your sisters, second off 2 hours isnt far, why can't you go to your sisters as well? Third, if its this big a deal just have Christmas with your husband and child. I guess I dont have sympathy because there are people out there with much worse problems than this at Christmas. I am due in a month, my husband is deployed to the middle east and missed, My birthday, his birthday, our anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and may or may not be back in time for the birth of our Child. Our first Christmas with our first child was spent overseas with alone with no family. So in my opinion you should suck it up and be happy that you have a family and should go to your sisters, even though she is a brat. Sorry if this was harsh.

 

alirenee86 - December 6

KRISTINA- sorry, that is horrible and I'm sorry thatt is how you may be spending the holidays. Your're right, there are certainly way less problems, and for as often as I can remember to do so before going to bed, I pray for people who are alone and not with their families for whatever it's worth. Maybe I didnt' describe the situation well enough, and I hope you all understand that until VERY recently, I had no idea that they were splitting the holidays up. I respect all of your opinions, and I see the common thread, but what am I missing in that I shouldn't be so upset??? I'm SO not selfish. You are all saying you see my sister is. I dont understand where that gives the right to rip your family apart. To, me, there's no excuse to allow selfishness to be so easily excused all because 'someone was told something'. That person should never have expected that, right? Yes, my sister I now know was told, 'one holiday at each' but people are told stuff every day. Doesn't make it right. How could we want to be there for any of them for any other upcoming holiday if it's all about them for this holiday when they are an important family memeber in a one month old's life. If it's not important to them now, when will it ever be?

 

tish212 - December 6

wow I don't even know if I want to post on here... it seems attacks are taking place. look I understand the family drama since my family and my dh family don't get along and we have to split our time between them.... I understand the stress as well. this is a hard time for u seeing as how u just had ur lo... ur sister is being selfish I agree... ur baby only gets one first christmas...and I'm sure that's what ur thinking about...however ur lo won't remember this christmas at all.... I know it feels important but why not just let them spend the holiday at her house...and ask them to spend a christmas at your house when your lo can participate more.... it might be nice just to enjoy the holiday with justin and ur hubby... take lots of pictures and make a sc___p book for your lo to enjoy later. look I'm not a dr and I don't claim to be...but for those who have attacked her...did u ever consider she may be going through ppd...which makes this situation that much worse...she came here looking for help and advice...not an attack I understand this may not be the biggest problem in the world but its the biggest problem in her life...this is her family and it seems its falling apart.... that's actually a big deal especially since her dh has none...I am sorry that u came here looking for help and got attacked that's not fair....this isn't a fight to see who's having the worst holiday....it was a plea for support and advice...I am saddened by some of the responses...maybe once we all have our lo's and maybe deal with a little dose of ppd we can be a little more understanding....I would say let them go to ur sisters house but ask for next year... that way the "fight" simmers for a bit and hopefully your mom can calm down a bit. and ignore ur sisters tasteless comments.... gl

 

KRISTINA - December 6

My mother (my aunt) is a very selfish person. My mother tried for years and years to put up with it and to be friends with her, hopping she would change. Well she never did and my mother has had to distance herself. I know it sucks but you are just going to have to deal with it and know that you were right and that you are the bigger person. Believe me Karma will come around. My Aunt is alone now, her kids dont even want her to their houses for Christmas. Im sure it doesnt help that its an emotional time for you having just had a baby and understand thats its hard. My best advice is to try and make the best of what you can and understand that other people will see that you are a good person and that your sister is selfish and that at some point in her life she will pay for her behavior.

 

evae777 - December 6

Here is what I think. I come from a family that never has experienced this kind of conflict and maybe I can shed some light OR maybe not, but I'll give it a shot. So I think that the problem isn't your sister, or your mom, or your dad, or the circ_mstance. I think the problem is the issues you and your sister have between each other that is seperating this Family Holiday. We all like to blame somebody because who likes to think they themselves contribute such a big amount to their own problems? I see your point that your sister is being selfish. Yes, because she has no family yet, not married etc. But do you think that maybe that means she has it worse than you & for you... to just bring a grandchild into the family makes you superior on a Holiday? And what does her being married or not have anything to do with it? How does that lower her importance in this situation? I didn't get that part. She may be doing all this to give you a hard time, but at the same time what have you done to reconcile with her? Sending an email to the entire family to say F You to your sister did not make the situation better, it made it more uncomfortable, gave your sister more validation on why she should not respect you & be happy for you, gave her something to dwell on that will only drag this onto the next holiday and also showed that you do not have the brain capacity to rise above this. So therefore, why should anyone else. Little sister's can be brats especially when they feel that their older sister's do not deserve respect & has not set a good example. Or maybe it is just pure envy that overtime became hate. About the expectations that were set informing you ahead of time that they will be spending xmas with your sister. It's obvious you don't agree with it, but that was the reason why it was set..expectations are set to avoid this type of drama. When people set expectations, we don't nod our heads and agree, just to then later, change our mind & give them a hard time & make them choose. Your reasoning for wanting your family to embrace this Holiday with a new baby makes perfect sense. We all want what is best for our child and our family, but your sister is family too and until the both of you can approach this with some humility and take responsibility for your own share of the problems.. the rest of your family does not deserve to be put through this emotional mess. And just out of all honesty. You would have a leg up and more respect from your family if you could be on a higher level than her and just rise above it and drive to her place or just accept it & be happy for them... and not send such a degrading email. i couldn't even send an email like that to my worst enemy. It shows no self respect & is all around not very cla__sy. So you could & it is safe for your baby, I would just suck it up & drive to her place if family togetherness is TRULY the only intention you have for this Holiday season. If not then practice the skill of detaching from this unhealthy mess to set a good example for your child on how to deal with conflict & be grateful that you aren't unmarried & enjoy your new baby.

 

evae777 - December 6

Oops.. I meant "IF if is safe for your baby"

 

alirenee86 - December 6

evae777, thank you for your response. Youre're very smart and make a lot of sense and I appreciate your candidness.

 

evae777 - December 6

You are very welcome :)

 

linds99 - December 6

If I were you, I would have Christmas alone, forego all the bologna of making people choose. What is wrong with spending the first holiday together alone as a family, you can totally make is special. Besides, your newborn doesn't need to be carted between houses when she is so new, her immune system is still weak and she needs to be "home" where she is still getting used to living there and where all your supplies are....so there is your obvious excuse why you won't be making the trip to the sister's house. Honestly, I agree your sister seems to be very self-centered about it all, someday she will have her own babies and perhaps she will see how hard it is to leave the house with a newborn and how necessary it is to allow the new parents freedom to stay home if they so wish, holiday or no holiday, it is totally your perogative. I think you have a very obvious excuse why you would forego going anywhere...good luck.

 

tynadu - December 8

First, no you should not hate your sister! And to be fair they did come to your house for Thanksgiving. If you really love your mom as much as I think you do go tell her that you are OK with her going to your sisters house, but next year you would like Christmas or better yet Christmas should be at their house. Just think next year he will be much more fun as he can crawl and/or walk by that time. Just be the bigger woman no matter how much it hurts.

 

tynadu - December 8

tish212 - I have read all the post here up to your post and I don't feel as if anyone was attacking her. She asked for opinions! She didn't say to respond only if you agree with ME! When you ask for a persons opinion I would think you wanted that person to be truthful on how they felt. And you have just a__sumed that she has ppd and in that case she need to go to a DR not a posting board. I understand why she feel the way she feels, but she said herself that her and DH a__sumed the holidays would be spent at their house. No one told them that was to be so, but her sister was told that she would get one of the days. Don't come on here and bash everyone else for their opinions we were asked to post.

 

Jilloh - December 8

when DH and I got married we decided that Christmas was our Holiday to do whatever we wanted as a family. If that meant staying at home fine if that meant going somewhere fine. Before we had kids we did various things. We too had the first grandchild (on both sides) which was Christmas 2006. We spent the Christmas with DH's family as we were living near them at the time and we spent the New Years with my family. It worked out. Maybe something like that could work out with your family!

 

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