11 Replies
renaye - February 14

im 32 weeks and i have been with my man for just over a year (yes i know we have not been together long) we live together at his grandma and greandads and also his mum and dad and his 2 lil sisters it is crazey i realy want to get our own house before baby is here but he just dont want to talk about it. im kinda like what have i got my self into i do love him but he just dont understand .he will sit there and watch me bend over to pick up washing or clean up carry the washing backet the food in the house try and get out of the car with my hand bag and what ever it is like h__lo im not just fat it is a baby!!! and when baby is moveing i try and get him to look or feel it and he will put his hand there but he just dont care ! i dont know how to express my self or what the words is but i just feel as if he dont care or is he ready to become a daddy well he is only 19 and im 22 this will be both our first child . but all i do is cry i have been to h__l and back over the last 8 weeks with the lost of my 16 year old brother who took his own life and i guess im still trying to get over that~i like to talk about what is wrong with me but my man wont talk he thinks that if he kisses me and tells me he loves me it will be all good but it is not i dont know how to talk to him or what to say with out it tunning in to a fight and hlep will be kool thanks


sarah21 - February 14

I'm sorry to say this but I have to: get used to it. There are some things that will get better once the baby is here. It is really hard for men, especially young ones, to really connect with the fact that there is a baby in there. I am sure you can understand because it's hard for US to connect that there's a baby even though we feel it and see what is happening with our bodies. Men are so much better with the babies once they are actually here, so try not to worry too much that he isn't connecting with baby yet-- he will. My husband is similar to your boyfriend, and he's 28 years old. He doesn't think about me a lot of the time. He'll let me carry as much as I want to and not volunteer to help. I've learned, though, that this is something I am willing to accept. For all his faults there are wonderful things about him. You need to decide if this is something you can put up with. It will always be your responsibility to clean the house, do the laundry, all that. I've learned that when I need his help, I kind of have to demand it. I can still be nice about it but instead of meekly asking him I have to firmly ask him to help me with something, and he will. We as women have the toughest task of all-- to be mother, wife, housekeeper, personal shopper, personal chef, etc. I know it is overwhelming to look at it, but take it one day at a time. You may need to just open up to him. I would write a letter to get it all out, get it organized, and then give it to him telling you how overwhelmed you feel, tell him what you need to talk about with him, and give him time and an opportunity to initiate a conversation about it and he'll be less likely to feel ambushed and defensive and you'll be more likely to be able to have a good conversation and discussion. You'll probably be surprised how good he'll take it and how much better you'll feel after talking about it. Good luck to you and feel free to vent any time.


tish212 - February 15

yikes sarah...I have to disagree with the statement "get used to it"... ick. if my husband were to act like that we would NOT be married... look renaye u r worth more than that...I realize u love him and that u guys r expecting a baby...BUT u need to speak up..put ur foot down and tell him how u feel...let him know his behavior (by not helping u and not wanting to move on with life ...comeon isn't it time to grow up!?) is not acceptable and its time he act like a father and lover not just some random person in ur life... if u continue to let him act this way u will teach this behavior to ur child..if it is a boy u will show him this is how men should act and if its a girl u r teaching her not to strive for complete happiness... I realize wanting to stay together for the childs sake but what if its worse for the child if u stay together? let him know how u feel and if he doesn't change then maybe its time u moved on... remember u r bringing another life into this world doesn't ur child deserve the best u have to offer? sticking with a guy that is so immature and uncaring isn't the best...there is someone perfect for everyone out there and if this guy isn't willing to grow up then he is not ur perfect match...sorry to be so blunt..but I would never put up with that and would hate to see one of my friends become complacent with that. also he should be there for u to talk out ur feelings u r going through one of the hardest things possible right now...and being pregnant while dealing with ur brothers suicide is that much harder... u need to talk about how u feel and get it out... my husband was very supportive when I was pregnant helping me carry things helping with the house work when I was on bed rest and he still helps me get stuff done and I don't have to even ask he is an adult and can figure out what needs to be done... and if I'm even the slightest bit upset he sits me down and makes me talk about it even when I don't want to... if he wasn't like that we wouldn't be together...u deserve the best don't ever settle! and I'm sorry sarah but u seem to be living in the old times when womans job was to stay home and tend to the house and kids...when women were uneducated and were seen as less then men. u may be satisfied waiting on ur husband hand and foot and being a betty housewife but that is not for all women... now a days its 50/50 woman have jobs as well and are just as important as any man. men can do house work..they can show emotion and they can help parent their children! relationships are give and take not just give give give to ur man... I think renaye should stand up for herself and realize that she deserves to be happy! I'm not trying to attack u I just think she deserves better and I also think u do to..I realize u said there are wonderful things about ur husband but shouldn't everything be wonderful? u shouldn't have to "get used to" or "put up with" anything... (and just so u know I'm not some love struck child I've been married for 4 years and weve been together living together for 7 years) sorry if this came out harsh I get pretty pa__sionate when I feel woman r being treated disrespectfully....


Chris1975 - February 15

Hi there...i gotta say you should have a word to him. Pregnancy involves both of you, and even tho it might not feel "real" for him yet, he needs to start growing up and taking responsibility and acting like a caring partner and father. My dh acted like a complete kid before i got pregnant, but throughout this pregnancy hes grown up and wont let me carry ANYTHING, picks everything up for me so i dont have to bend over, unloads dishwasher, cleans dishes, cooks dinner, does laundry!!!! Everything! But its taken probably the whole 9 months for him to adjust to this and each month its been more and more....Does he get excited with the ultrasounds? I know that made my dh excited...the feeling can be a little boring as he doesnt have the patience to sit and wait sometimes (cept when i make him!! hehe)... But let me tell that we have done the prenatal cla__ses and have been told to expect the baby any day now, hes more clucky and excited than me!!! I would recommend taking cla__ses as they are a real eye opener for the guys and give a good idea of what to expect over coming months. Good luck!!!


Astra - February 15

Hi Renaye, first I have to say that I agree with Tish that you deserve a loving and caring partner who will be commited to you and the child. At the same time I agree with Sarah that for young men becoming a father can be very hard, and your guy is very young to be having a child. You are 32 weeks and that means that you still have some time to go before the baby comes. It's never too late to educate your partner about pregnancy, what your body is going through and why you need his help. It sounds like he really doesn't connect the dots or understand, and if you explain it to him in a clear scientific way he may be able to respond more appropriately. You might have to be very specific about what you need help on. My husband is very supportive but every once in a while I have to ask him for help too. As for moving out on your on, it's a big step, and he sounds like he might be getting a lot of support from his family being around. I understand your frustration and need to move on and form your own family unit but it sounds like that might be very overwhelming or scary to your guy if he's not even willing to discuss it. Is there anyone you both trust that could help counsel you through making plans for independence? It could be an older family friend, a religious counselor if you have one, a counselor at a local clinic or even look for someone through your doctor. When I think about the role models your guy has, they are living all together in a family unit, which kind of explains to me why he might not be automatically wanting to move out on his own. I wish for you that your guy will become connected to the baby after birth and become more aware and mroe willing to accept responsibility, it might take a lot of hard work on your part to help get him there and ultimately you will have to decide if he is a good enough partner for you and a supportive parent to your child. Having a baby is a huge transition for any couple, so I urge you to reach out to any support you can get in your area when the baby is born, mothers' groups, b___stfeeding groups if you decide to do that, any free parenting education that is out there and you can drag your guy to. A very wise person once told me that parenting is the hardest job we do that we get no traning for, so get all the support you can and I wish you all the best.


cors1wfe - February 15

Renaye - not to totally confuse you but all of the ladies made good points - my husband can be jerky sometimes as far as helping with stuff but he doesn't let me lift anything heavy and he knows I won't die if I load the dishwasher - I think we would all love to be pampered during this very special time but sometimes that isn't a very realistic point of view. My husband does enjoy feeling the baby move and always rubs my belly and acknowledges that there is a baby in there but he isn't all gaga goo goo over it - I guess he's in the middle - after 5 months he just now said if I wash and dry the laundry he will fold it but then I still have to put it away - and as long as I don't pack it super full I can carry upstairs - I may not want to but I am fully capable - sure I would like him to offer more help but on the other hand men aren't mind readers and usually aren't all that selfless so.....if I really want/need something I have to ask and he is always there for me - if you don't ask they don't know...after 6 years of marriage I still have to ask him to help me bring in the groceries. He jumps right up he just doesn't think to actually get up until I ask. WIth your man being so young that doesn't help at all but as long as YOU feel he loves you and it's worth it to be together then work it out - set a time/place that will allow you to talk privately and share your feelings I guess what I am trying to say is if you need/want help then ask for it - if he doesn't want to or complains than sometimes that is age sometimes it's just selfishness but it's up to you to decide what is best for you and your baby.


Rainbowbrite - February 15

This is a really tough situation but this it the time he needs to be there for you! Yes he is going through feelings and emotions as well but come on.. he is not being there for you... He is already not being there for his child either... NOT A GOOD SIGN... I am in the complete opposite relationship than you and my boyfriend is well OVER PROTECTIVE... he won't let me carry anything.. i'm really surprised he lets me carry my purse at times... but it does get to me but after having an arguement of i'm not handicap and i can carry SOME stuff... he went on to explain how while being pregnant he can't really do to much in terms of helping me with the baby because she is still inside so he told me how allowing him to carry everything is his way of showing he cares and also to take strain off of my pregnant body... and although sometimes it does bother me i do see he really just wants to help and he really just wants me to be as healthy and relaxed as can be... so coming from a totally opposite situation... i have to honestly say that it makes me value what he is trying to do... for me and for the baby... and i think everyone deserves that... it really sounds like he don't even listen to you... none the less try to be helpful to you.. and yes sometimes you should put your foot down and this is one... dealing with a pregnancy is not an easy thing to do.. but also dealing with the loss of your brother is just so much added emotion right now and i can't even imagine what you're going through to feel like you have noone at home to talk to... ESPECIALLY your partner... i think push comes to shove and it sounds like this man is in need of an ultimatum.. although it might not be the best route to go.... and he being only 19 and not sounding very mature could take it bad... but you need to know where you stand and where this baby are going to stand in his life and what he is going to do to help raise the baby... We are all here for you and i really hope you don't take our advice as offensive but we are just trying to help you and just know that you deserve WAY more than what you are being given... Hang in there and keep us updated on what you do or decide to do...


ROBYN - February 15

Renaye - first i am so very sorry for the loss of your brother that is unimaginable. Second i could not imagine for one second my husband EVER being like that its not acceptable. I have been on bed rest for over a month my husband has gone above and beyond for me i also have a 9 year old son from a previous marriage. My husband cooks, cleans, does the laundry, takes my son to school every morning goes to every single doctor appt and still works a full-time job never b___hes or complains its all about respect for the other person and i am having a c-section on Monday he took a month off of work and will continue to do whatever is necessary for my benefit as well as his baby and our 9 year old. I know you guys are young but it doesnt get easier the issues you have before the baby will still be there when the baby comes you will or already have resentment towards your boyfriend you need to talk things out openly and basically put your foot down now and do not allow yourself to be walked on its not acceptable you deserve to be respected. I wish you the best and hope you all can work thru this together.


coco797 - February 16

Renaye, I think that some guys don't quite grasp the fact that they are going to be dads because your the one that's pregnant and they can't "see" the baby. Maybe once your baby is born and your bf gets to hold him/her, his att_tude toward being a father will change. It'll become more real to him. My husband wouldn;t read the books and he would get irritated because he thought all i talked about was baby stuff. Stuff we needed to buy for the baby, stuff we needed to do before the baby got here. but now he's so in live w/ our daugher. He cried when she was born. And teh duration of your relationship doesn;t matter, we were dating 4 months when I got pregnant, 7 months when we were married. Just a little over a year after we started dating, dd was born. My dh and I have always said that we were a team and treat our relationship as such. Your bf needs to be supportive and listen to you more. Hopefully things will get better once your baby is here. If not, sorry to say, but maybe you should leave the f**ker. You deserve a man that listens to your needs, and telling you that he loves you does not count! You deserve better, and so does your baby


mjvdec01 - February 17

The guy is barely an adult by legal standards and seems to only care about himself. Why put up with it? I would NEVER allow a man (boy) to treat me like that. You really need to improve your self esteem and either knock him into shape or ship him out. I am sorry to be so blunt, but this kind of thing really makes me furious!!


jujulbee98 - February 18

hey, from the responses youve gotten on this people have a LOT of different oppinions of your situation. I am in a somewhat similar relationship as you. I am 32 weeks prego, 27yrs old. Babys daddy is 38 yrs old, this is both of ours first child. We do not live together and as far as im concerned, never will. I know what you mean about him standing there while you do everything, he watched me shovel 25-30 ft pathway of snow that was at least 2 ft deep. he just stood there and smoked a frigging cigarette!! he has watched me carry groceries in from the car down that same icy pathway, even watched me slip, and did absolutely nothing!!! When i pack my things to go stay at his house he never helps me get them in, just stands there. I have made several comments about since i am carrying his child he can at least carry in my groceries, but he must think its a piece of cake or something! I think some men just dont get it, and since my babys daddy is 38 i dont think he ever will. And also on the belly thing... i try to get him to bond with the baby, suggest where he should put his hand if he wants to feel his son, he refuses!! he says hes not touching his baby, its my gut! stupid jerk!! Ive even talked to him suggesting that the baby wont know him when hes born if he doesnt try to bond with him now, and he will very stiff handedly pat my belly, but act like its a horrible nasty thing!! Oh, and when i try to talk to him about things like pedatrician or daycare, he just says we will figgure it out later!! But really it has been a learning experience, i truly now understand that you cant change someone! I know that in my heart i have tried everything i can to allow them to bond, and i know that he is showing his TRUE self by not helping me, but its made me a stronger person, i mean, look at the two of us girl!!!!!..... we are very prego, can handle our groceries AND emotions all by ourselves, and have all the bonding time with baby to ourselves! So i just hope you can take the situation and turn it to the best you can, otherwise youll just end up driving yourself crazy, and you cant do that cuz you got an awsome baby on the way who obvoiusly needs the one parent who DOES gets the big picture!! oh, and im sorry about your brother, im sure that adds to the stress even more, take care of yourself and everything will fall into place, whats meant to be will be!!


coco797 - March 7

I was looking for your post renaye. I was wondering what happened w/ you. I;m glad it all worked out. Good luck girl!!!



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