OT Am I Paranoid Overreacting Is He Cheating

12 Replies
Cassie06 - July 2

I really just dont know what to do. I feel like I am an emotional wreck, and I dont really know if I should be or not! Me and DH have argued before over his p___n viewing habits. I understand most guys do, but it bothers me, I have learned to deal with it, but it makes me angry because he lies about it all the time. He didnt realize that I could see what he searched on google, view the history of what websites were visited, etc. Well we hadnt had any problems with it for a few months now but yesterday I found a google search for rape fantasy. Due to something in my past, this is the most horrific of all his viewing habits, and he knows it bothers me. I got angry, and he went outside last night after we got into a fight and I locked him out. I let him back in and we went to bed. He got up this morning before I got up and all the history on my computer is delelted, he left his cell phone (mine is off right now and I dont want to be sitting around 35 weeks pregnant with no communication!) and I look in the call log to see what his uncles number was so I could call him and he deleted all the history in his phone before he left. He also deleted everything out of his email accounts. Now I am so stressed and suspicious. I am afraid maybe the p___n isnt the only issue. Could he be calling numbers or contacting other people? Even go so far as cheating? I dont know what to do or what to think!!!


carol23 - July 2

Well, Ca__sie06, this is a tough one. I am by no means an expert, but it does sound VERY suspicous. I actually had several problems w/ my husband as well with the whole internet p___n thing. I caught my husband on adult friend finder.com and he had a profile looking for women to sleep with ( It actually said that on his profile). I actually caught him by looking at the history on the computer and made up a fake account , did a search, and sure enough, he was there. I confronted him about it. We went through SOOOOOOOOOOOO much because I will be d__ned if I get screwed over like that. So, he now has no privacy as far as internet, phone, or anything goes! He's lucky I even stayed. I wasn't pregnant at the time BTW so I could have easily walked out, but I chose to stay and after going through SOOOOO much hard work with our relationship, we are doing SOOO much better. Now, the whole deleting phone numbers and e-mails is what gets me. Have you confronted him about it? The way I would communicate with my husband during our rough times was through letters. I would write him a letter and leave it for him to read on the table when he got home from work. Then, he would just sit there, with his head down and look like a d__n puppy dog. I also ripped every picture that we had together (I was on my period) and left some in-tact and spread them all over the table for him to see and wrote in the letter that he needed to sit there and look at all of them and decide if it was all worth losing just for a night with some random hoe s___t b___h that probably had some kind of disease and no morals. Everyone handles things in their own way though. I was wrong in destroying our pics(and a lil crazy), but that's the way I KNEW it would get through to him. Screaming at eachother and locking him out of the house will not resolve anything. I knew the only way to get to my husband was through a letter because that way he couldn't inturrupt what I was trying to get through to him. Whatever you choose to do, good luck and make sure you keep your head on straight before you make any major decisions.


Karen_Fletcher - July 2

Hi, im really sorry for what you are going through, im lucky, iv not had this, but i just wanted to tell you that even if he deletes the history, you can still check by searching for folders called "cookies" and "temporary internet files" most people dont know about these so these go undeleted and store EVERYTHING. Good luck with everything and i hope you find a resolve that makes YOU feel better.


carol23 - July 2

My husband caught on to the fact that I was looking up the history, so he even went as far as to delete the cookies! So....... I would look in the trash as well. hahaha. I guess he forgot I was a computer tech. Oh wait, he couldn't have forgot, because that's where I met him! at work!


Karen_Fletcher - July 2

Thats kinda sucky for you Carol... im sorry, at least he seems to be at your beck and call now, i hope it all works out for you.


Mellissa - July 2

another tip to go along with the others that were suggested: we have online billing set up for our cell phone and i can view every single phone call that has been made from the phones... what time and the duration. if you have that, i would look at it. if not, you can also call the phone company and most of the time as long as you can verify the last 4 of his social, they will tell you anything you want to know. i worked for t-mobile and always had wives calling me wanting a detailed list of every call that was made. it sucks having to do that, but sometimes you just need piece of mind. on the other hand, you have to be prepared for finding out something you don't like. i went through that with my hubby...luckily he wasn't cheating and i WAS being paranoid (turned out they were just wives of soldiers that were deployed and my hubby was the finance director, so they were calling him for help.) good luck, and i hope you don't find anything bad at all!! as far as the rape fantasies go: tell him that by looking at stuff like that it totally disrespects you and what you've been through. he should be way more sensitive.


Ca__sie06 - July 2

Well, I went rather balistic and went through all this drawers and closet and everything and through all of his stuff in the floor. I called him screaming and he came home. We have been talking for about 5 hours now. We discussed everything and he apologized and said he felt bad and wanted to say something the other day but didnt. I can tell he means it. I am so frustrated, but I feel that we are finally making some progress because he is willing to discuss things. He said he deleted the numbers from his phone because it was using up a lot of space. I told him I didnt believe him and he went online and showed me the bill and all the numbers and who they were. I know this issue is still going to bother me but at least he is willing to work on it now. I am afraid I overreacted, but it is just such a sensitive subject with me I didnt know how else to act. I guess I need to go help him pick all his stuff up.....thanks for all your responses!


Mellissa - July 2

oh good ca__sie, i am so glad ya'll are working things out!! the fact that he is willing to talk it out, and showed you all of his calls pretty much tells me that he is not cheating, which is great. i think once you explain to him just how sensitive the p___n subject is to you, he'll understand completely. sounds to me like your husband really loves you and is willing to respect your feelings, you just have to be open with him. :)


Krista - July 3

~FYI~ Porn...especially "internet p___n" is SO addictive. I would put an internet nanny on and block bad content...you can block certain content (s_x, nudity) by going to the start menu, select control panel, then click on internet options, then click on the content tab and settings...adjust what settings you want and create a pa__sword...it wont allow any of that content without a pa__sword. I downloaded an internet nanny online it was so easy..about $100 and my hubbie knows about it..and is actually happy that I have it on there...it keeps him good and helped him get through his addiction. the nanny tracks EVERYTHING done on my computer...websites viewed, keys typed, emails sent and received and sends me a copy of everything to my email address everyday. it gives a lot of peace of mind. =) Good luck!


Ca__sie06 - July 3

Thanks Krista! I will change my settings now and check into that nanny!


Aboucha - July 7

I've been up crying for two days because I've had such a bad year w/ DH. By way of text msg's I found out he had an affair early '95 (sadly, during our move to first home purchase). I found out last summer after it was over, he told me he broke it off blah blah. But after tears and talking decided to stay together. I found out we were prego in Nov 95 while he was abroad visiting family for a month. Since then he started running a night club (no one wants a nightclub owner for a DH!!) and I became very suspicious of his behavior, and frankly very lonely since I couldn't hang out at the club because I was prego. He would come home very late, he started drinking every night (he never did that before), there would be girls calling his cell in the midddle of the night. He wouldn't (has never) wear his wedding ring, and eventually asked me not to come by the club (excuse was that people would put negative energy on our baby or was afraid drunk people would f**k with me). But I always felt it was because I was spoiling his "game". Because I was pregnant I would just sweep these things under the denial carpet, and would actually forget about them. My husband is, through all this, very excited for the baby and is very affectionate and loving w/ me which helped my denial (even put on the ring after 6 years of marriage!). I'm due any day now, and it all came tumbling down for me two days ago when I started thinking of what he put me thru this last year and how I sat back & took it. I don't want to be the fool, I don't want my baby to go thru what I went through. My husband quit the nightclub biz (thank God) and is working hard 7days/wk to provide for us, is trying very hard to show me that his only wish in life is his family. But I have so many past unanswered ?'s and suspicians, and a year of many lonley days & nights that I feel like I can't move forwrd.I'm so resentful that I have nothing to give in the marriage. I'm trying to muster courage to leave him, but I'm due any day now and I know all he wants , now anyways, is his lil family. But I will never be able, never ever, to trust my own husband when any little suspicion arises (he's an extremely fab liar). Funny thing is he thinks I've been in bed crying for two days because of hormones. I get choked up when I talk not able to express myself the way I want, plus I always start to cry (!) & he can talk me out of any suspicians I have. I'm 36, w/ babe and clock is ticking. Will/Can he change like he says he has? I'm hopeless. Will I always be checking his text's, emails, & msg's 1,5,10 years from now? Yes is my answer for now and it's pitiful. This post is my prelude to a long letter I'll write to him that I'm not looking forward to it cuz the home is about to get very heavy .


Ca__sie06 - July 7

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am also feeling like this, although I have never found proof of him cheating and dont think he would, it is always in the back of my mind. My DH is also a great liar which scares me, and I want to trust him so much, but its just so hard. We have talked a lot about it this past week and it has helped some, but I still just cant seem to work through it. I hope things get better for you!!


eimear - July 10

really sorry to hear about some of your predicaments. Men are strange creatures. I reckon if you looked into ANY man's computer history you would be pretty shocked. Alot of it is probably more curiosity than intent but I too would be furious and paranoid. Never seen anything in our computer history but I'm sure my other half has the odd peek here and there. Once found a text from a dirty chat line in my dad's phone inbox(scarred for life!)but l imagine if any s___t were to actually respond to those personal profiles, etc your men would actually run a mile for fear of infection, you finding out and most importantly losing a decent respectable partner.:-)



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