Need Help With My Daughter S Shame Issues

2 Replies
DreamQueen - August 27

My daughter gets shamed very easily, but it goes overboard. She's almost three, toilet trained and in her own bed for the night. Some nights, maybe one night of out every three weeks, she will wet the bed. Most of the time it's because of a bad dream, or she's sick. If she went to bed utterly worn out, she sleeps through and will wet. She wakes me up with a massive scream. When I go into her room, she cowers in the corner screaming and crying. She'll scream "sorry, sorry! I'm sorry, Mummy! so sorry!" over and over for about half an hour. Side note, I have never punished her for wetting the bed, and we are non-smacking parents. I don't raise my voice at her for wetting, or scold her. She'll cover her face with her hands and scream until, I think, her throat hurts too much, and then she'll cry for as long as she's able to make tears. When I come into the room, I pick her up, sit in the chair I used to feed her in and rock her while telling her over and over it's okay, I'm not angry, we'll clean it up and it will be okay. But she keeps screaming and crying as if I'm going to beat her for it, even though I have never put any negative feelings towards her wetting. After she stops screaming I clean her and the bed off and change her, sometimes we have a warm shower together, and we'll cuddle on the chair before I put her back to bed. Through the whole thing she sobs so hard her body shakes, and it's only time and sleepiness that calms her down. We've taken her to a child behavior expert and I don't think he believed us about not smacking or yelling at her, because he gave us funny looks while saying "Well, I'm not sure why she would act that way in a SAFE environment" She acts like that, but to a lesser extent, if she fails at anything. She can already read, but when she stumbles over a word she has to apologize to me over and over before she's convinced I'm not angry. If she wears her 'big girl panties' and remembers to go to the toilet she's a ray of sunshine and takes my praise with a jaunty "I always do it like a big girl!", but even one little accident and she breaks down. I once asked if she'd like to wear nappy pants to bed and she cried for ages about how she wasn't a baby, she was a big girl and she refused to put them on. I asked at her pre-school and they said she only wet herself one time, and she sat in the corner by herself until everyone left her alone, and then she cleaned herself off. What else can I do? I'm a first time mum, is this a stage they all go through, to a lesser or greater degree? Or is it just part of her personality?


HollyMay - August 27

DreamQueen Have you tried talking about it when all the drama isn't happening. I think you may be surprised at how much they can talk to you about their feelings. My neice refused to take a BM in the potty, ad would scream and cry that she won't do it. Well one day my sister asked her while they were in the car why she doesn't do it, and it was all because she could feel it coming out lol and it scared her.They talked about it, and now she is the potty queen lol. I think her not being all up set and being able to think about why she gets so up set might help figure out why this is happening. I would keep doing what you are doing! your doing a great job mama! good luck!


kimberly - September 4

This sounds biased I know, but do you think maybe the daycare has scolded her or made her feel wierd about wetting herself? I totally believe you are a good mom and are not making your daughter feel this way, but there has to be a reason she is reacting so strongly. Is she a dramatic child about other things as well? Are there other caretakers in her life. It just seems so strange for her to be apolojizing like she feels she did something so wrong. I would investigate the other people in her life and make sure everything seems ok there. If things seem fine with everyone that takes care of her than maybe ask your pedi and see if he has some advice for you.



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