Grandparents Grieve, Too

It goes without saying that having a miscarriage can be very painful for a woman and her male partner. But the couple may not be aware that their own parents may be grieving for the loss of the pregnancy. No one expects them to be grieving and so they get no acknowledgement or an appropriate forum for speaking about their loss. You won't find, for instance, a greeting card that says, "Condolences on the Loss of Your Grandchild." You won't find any support groups listed in the yellow pages for bereaved grandparents.

Mixed Feelings

Of course, some people have mixed feelings about becoming grandparents. They may worried that they are going to be placed into a category that will make them seem old. Other grandparents may just lack the grandparenting gene, or be burned out on babies from raising their own. But these are rare individuals.

Most grandparents or potential grandparents are beside themselves with joy over a child's pregnancy and the idea of grandparenthood. A miscarriage can be a major disappointment. The pain of that disappointment should not be underestimated and it is a kindness to allow the almost grandparents the right to their grief.

But there are different levels to a grandparent's pain. They have lost a grandchild, but they are also pained for the loss experienced by their own, dear child. They may feel an urge to offer advice and you may be eager to hear what they have to say. That said, there is nothing they can do to make the pain go away and they probably aren't conversant with current medical thought on the topic of trying for another pregnancy. In short, they may feel quite helpless.

Recurrent Miscarriage

In the case where a child suffers from recurrent miscarriage, the potential mother's parents may fear for her health. They may also ache from watching her in so much mental anguish, so much of the time. There may be a point when the parents feel their child would be so much better off if you'd just give up the idea of conceiving a child. They may feel they would be glad to give up grandparenthood in exchange for your good health and mental wellbeing. Try not to be impatient with what you perceive as their lack of support in your efforts to have a child.

After you have a miscarriage, you will be feeling a great deal of pain. You may not feel able to reach out to your parents. But it's important to remember that you're not suffering in a vacuum. Others are suffering right along with you in their own way and on their own level. On your better days, you can offer them solace, and when you are too hurt to do so, you can at least take comfort in the idea that you are not suffering alone.

Login to comment

Post a comment

Grandma Lily
My son´s wife had a very premature baby boy at 21 weeks.This was almost three weeks ago, and I have never been so sad in my life. He lived for about an hour. I have never seen my son so grief stricken, and he is trying to be strong for his wife...They have had fertility issues and this baby seemed like a miracle! I will never forget him and will always love him...I´m trying to be there for them , but sadness overwhelms me. I dont want to add to their grief or stress.
7 years ago